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Oprah Sexpert - Buy Your Teen Daughter Her First Vibrator
Filed under: In The News
As a general rule, I think, many of today's moms are far more open about sex than our mothers and grandmothers were. Our kids know the actual names of their body parts (and aren't afraid to share them with the cashier at the grocery store). We don't dodge the questions about where babies come from or make up silly stories. Experts in general advise that sex ed happen over a series of conversations on the subject, rather than one uncomfortable "talk" somewhere during puberty.So, yeah, we're enlightened. We're empowered. We're dishing out accurate information on an age-appropriate basis. So the next logical step, says "Oprah" sexpert Dr. Laura Berman, is to buy our teenage girls their first vibrators.
Uh ... er ... ahem ... that is, I mean, what?
Awkward, yes, and also controversial. On "Oprah," Gayle King sat shaking her head. "Too much information," argues King, "....They know too much, they're doing too much, I'm just not in favor of giving them this much information." But Oprah disagrees. "They already have the information," she counters.
Dr. Berman agrees. She says putting information like this in the hands of teen girls gives them power over their own bodies, possibly even putting off that first sexual experience. "You're teaching them about their own body," says Dr. Berman, "....And taking the reigns of their own sexuality so they don't ever have to depend on any other teenage boy to do it for them."
The commenters over at Jezebel are typically in favor of anything that empowers young girls. But while many think open and honest conversations are a fabulous idea, they cringe at the idea of having that particular conversation with their own mothers. "My mother was open and honest about everything, including sex," says Jezebel commenter nakedscience, "And I still feel comfortable talking to her about stuff like that. But if she had ever bought me a vibrator, I would have been horrified."
Commenter grrl agrees. "I think I would have needed a lifetime of therapy, and heavy medication, if my mom had bought me a vibrator. There are just some areas of a girl's life that mom doesn't need to share in."
So which is it -- empowering? Or the ultimate example of helicopter parenting? I think that, as with most things in parenthood, it depends on the parent and the kid. What about you? What do you think about Dr. Berman's idea? Would you ever consider buying your teen daughter a vibrator? Or does the idea alone make you shudder?
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 5)
4-14-2009 @ 1:47PM
Mary said...I am with you, Sarah! I grew up in the 70's also and I didn't think about it either. I guess I am just odd. All one has to do is look at the state of kids in our country to see it is clearly out of control.
4-14-2009 @ 2:17PM
CLM said...Huh? Girls have hormones too! And why do you think so many girls have a thing for horses? You weren't ever restless or antsy and didn't know why? Regardless of whether you were exposed to images of sexuality, your body entered puberty. Further, even young children (including girls) are known to masturbate - not because they've been exposed to sexual images, but because it feels good.
4-14-2009 @ 2:38PM
Sarah said...What do horses have to do with it? Are you serious? Let's see - blue jeans or riding crops, blanket, saddle - way too many things between a girl and a horse. That is an outrageous accusation - that girls love riding horses because it sexually stimulates them? You must not be a girl who has ever ridden a horse - I have, many times, and do not recall any sexual thoughts or feelings while riding. So, if my daughter is antsy, I should either buy her a vibrator and show her how to reach an orgasm, OR take her to a riding stable... I know that young girls touch themsleves, but do they masturbate to an orgasm? That is just silly. Your entire comment is silly.
4-14-2009 @ 5:33PM
CLM said...It's not silly - you are missing the point. Deliberately? I couldn't say. What IS silly is this insistence that girls have no sexuality until it is stimulated by boys.
4-15-2009 @ 5:12PM
Kris said...haha, so girls aren't supposed to be encouraged to explore their own sexuality, but it's perfectly fine for boys? and girls don't even have sexual feelings until a boy kisses them? what a crock! as a woman yourself, you should look around at all these young girls and see how sexual they act when many of them are still in junior high school, even elementary school, and they've never been kissed. a boy's kiss is not this magical thing that suddenly starts us off as sexual beings. our hormones alone make that happen.
i myself started having sexual feelings at the age of 12, and i didn't get my first kiss until i was 14. i know many other girls that pined away for boys and sex without even kissing. it's a natural curiousity. your comment, Sarah, is highly misinformed and almost insulting to a woman's sexual independence.
4-17-2009 @ 12:29PM
bromac said...In fact, the majority of young girls discover self-stimulation at a very young age, well before puberty.
5-04-2010 @ 11:16AM
Kay said...I think by you saying boys naturally have sexual feelings and girls only have those feelings when a boy brings then out is just ignorant. Everyone is different so i understand that maybe you didn't have those feelings as a teen, but alot of teens have those feelings from a young age, and sometimes act on them. Why do you think teen pregnancy rates have risen. I think it would be better to talk to your children, explain STDs and pregnancy and then tell them that options, such as a vibrator, is a better way to express their sexual feelings without drastic consequences. Being a teen myself i know that from an open relationship with my mother about sex and sexuality, has kept me from having sex. I believe i started having sexual feeling around the age of 11 or 12 and i had not kissed a boy yet. So therefore i disagree with you 100%. Masterbation is completely natural and should not be looked down upon. It is a safe way to release those urges and feelings. I think everyone should at least be open to the idea of talking to your child about buying a vibrator, being that it is much safer emotionally and 100% effective against pregnancy and STDs. BE OPEN WITH YOUR CHILDREN!!
4-14-2009 @ 12:54PM
LS said...I think it's hilarious that Oprah - unmarried and childless - is telling Gayle - married and mom of multiple children - how to approach her kids about sex.
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4-15-2009 @ 11:03PM
Devynn said...i wouldn't write off oprah just yet. having someone who is looking at your situation "from the outside, in" is beneficial. they tend to see a bigger picture than you, b/c you're in it!
altho, i DO think it's silly to buy your teenage daughter her first vibrator. the embarrassment is only PART of the problem. the bigger issue is the naive thinking that latex and batteries is gonna stop her from having sex. let her buy her own damn vibrator when she's good and ready to. THE BEST thing you can do for her is teach her about what a healthy, loving relationship between two ppl who love each other looks like. and teach her that she doesn't have to have sex until she's good and ready to, boys harmones be damned! :) trust me, if he's willing to dump you b/c you won't have sex with him, he's not worth having around! and ppl say women use sex as a weapon. of all the offenders who use sex like a cowboy uses a six shooter, i'd say teenage boys are the worst! and some men, too.
4-23-2009 @ 8:13PM
WILDCATT said...I am male with daughter.once a girl has had sex she will want more.and if she has it the boy will tell all his friends what an easy girl she is.some boys and girls are late bloomers.and some are early.the encouragement to have sex is bad very bad.a lot of times it ends up with pregnancy.that used to be a very bad disgrace.if divorce is 60/80% that says something about the relation ships.
I have been married 31 ys to first girl and 30 to my second wife.I am old school and 85.
4-14-2009 @ 2:16PM
Jamie said...Wow... didn't see that one coming. Isn't this just teaching our daughters to embrace their sexuality too early? I agree with Michelle's comment that "Giving a girl a vibrator to use as a substitute for being with a boy is ridiculous!"
http://www.pctattletale.com
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4-14-2009 @ 3:08PM
erin said...So is it more odd that I bought my mother her first vibrator?
I think this isn't a half bad idea. Many girls are mortified by having their mothers talk about sex but it is necessary. I'm not sure that a vibrator will prevent girls from having sex but it is a step toward making them comfortable with their own sexuality which should give them a better sense of how to handle sex with another person.
Perhaps presenting your daughter with a vibrator might be a bit odd since you have to assume certain things about what will work for your daughter sexually, but I could see sending her the link to an online store and letting her pick one out to try.
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4-14-2009 @ 7:52PM
doodahgal said...It was so ironic to see this show come on right after a Dr. Phil show that contradicted most of what was stated on Oprah, and discussed how harmed our young people are by too much, too soon. Sorry, but that lady is WRONG because it just puts that much more pressure on young GIRLS to explore things before they are ready. Mothers (or other adult female) do need discussions with young girls, but age appropriate--and we are shoving things at girls at WAY too young an age. Remember Jocelyn Elders wanting to mandate sex education to the point of demonstrating condom usage to KINDERGARTNERS? Just because someone is adult, or an "expert" does NOT make them right. Nobody's going to agree on everything, but come on!
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4-15-2009 @ 12:43AM
Al said...As a girl just out of her teen years (I'm 21), I wouldn't recommend buying her a vibrator. I know I would never have felt comfortable having that conversation during my awkward, angsty, hormonal times. It would have made me feel strange around my mother. I do really agree with the first post (Mary Sullivan's) about giving the daughter a book with a chapter on "taking the reins". This way it shows that the mother is open to discussion on the topic and wants the girl to have the information, without forcing an awkward conversation. Plus, I'm sure the book would have a lot of other useful things in it as well.
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4-15-2009 @ 9:11AM
KK said...im a teenager, and i would never tell my mom anything relating to sex/relationships ever again if she did that.
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4-17-2009 @ 5:04PM
Dan said...Well Michelle, your post is filled with misinformation. There is no biological reason for men needing sex more often. The reason you believe that is purely societal.
I'm a male and my experience was similar to yours. I never cared about sex in high school (although I was pressured to act like I did as many boys are), and when I was in a relationship I had no desire for or ever asked for sex. I had sex when she asked for it, and even then would turn it down if i wasn't feeling open to it.
Some people just have higher sex drives than others.
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4-17-2009 @ 5:04PM
Dan said...I'm sorry but some of these comments are just getting ridiculous. Girls need to first kiss a boy before they start to be interested in masturbation or sex?
No offense, but if you are a human being (boy or girl) that didn't discover masturbation or have any sexual reactions or feelings during your teenage years or earlier, then that is a physical problem. You would have to have developed incorrectly or for some health reason were stunted in maturity longer than others your age.
Of course, you could also be lying, which is not uncommon for people to do when it comes to topics about masturbation or sexual desire. I've had countless people lie to me about the topic of masturbation only to reveal the truth later when they are more comfortable.
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4-15-2009 @ 7:18PM
Mary Sullivan said...Well, some people are late bloomers when it comes to sexuality (as in many other areas), and I don't think that's automatically wrong or pathological. However, I agree with you and a lot of other posters here that girls have sexual impulses just like boys, and they don't need a boy's touch to trigger those! It's not really helpful to perpetuate stereotypes about all males being no-feelings sex maniacs and all girls interested only for emotional/relationship reasons. I remember sexual feelings beginning in puberty, in the absence of *any* sort of relationship with a boy....and I think that's pretty darned typical.
4-15-2009 @ 8:54PM
Aw said...No wonder our daughters dress and act like sluts. No wonder why teen pregnancy and sexual diseases are rampant. No wonder why the juvenile crime rate is out of this world, and still rising. No wonder why our children are disrespectful and rude. It is all because of parents who refuse to take a stand and say "NO !" I know, as for me, I will never watch Oprah. She endorses giving vibrators to teen girls?!! Mothers, think about this. When does a girl become a teen? 13?, 14? How about neither. A girl becomes a teen when she has her first period. For some girls, that is 12. I even heard of one girl who had her first period when she was 10 years old. Moms, are you going to give your 10 year old daughter a vibrator just because some woman on t.v. whose own morals are questionable told you to do it? By giving your daughter a vibrator, you are essentially giving the child permission to be sexually active. Also, by giving them a vibrator, you are stimulating certain emotions and urges that increases teen sex, prostitution, sex magazines, other pornographic means to satisfy these urges that have been aroused. Studies have come out showing that men who were involved in child porn, frequenting whore houses,or some other sexual perversion, and violence, it mostly started with dabbling with sex toys,videos as a teen or pre-teen. So, if these studies show a devastating effect on men and their marriages, etc., what devastating consequences are there for your daughter who dabbles in it? If your daughters life is ruined because you gave her a sex toy, Oprah is not going to be affected by it. Moms, choose wisely.
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4-16-2009 @ 4:10PM
VIC POWERS said...you ARE kidding, right?... you're going to depend on this idiot to help you raise your child?!... no thanks, keep your mind in your own gutter... remember, people, we are given responsibility by God for our children... they are not just humans, they are gifts from our Creator... who wants to be the one standing before God and answering for THIS crude, despicable behavior?... show of hands?... anyone?... helloooo?... let them be innocent for as long as possible, okay?... think back - once you knew everything, didn't you long NOT to?... let them have every day NOT knowing every single thing that you can... don't hide things, or refuse to answer them when they ask something tough, but giving your daughter a vibrator???... come the fuch on!... let's put it into perspective... WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR FRIEND ONE?... no?... THEN WHY YOUR DAUGHTER?... this woman is pure unadulterated trash!!!...
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