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As a general rule, I think, many of today's moms are far more open about sex than our mothers and grandmothers were. Our kids know the actual names of their body parts (and aren't afraid to share them with the cashier at the grocery store). We don't dodge the questions about where babies come from or make up silly stories. Experts in general advise that sex ed happen over a series of conversations on the subject, rather than one uncomfortable "talk" somewhere during puberty.So, yeah, we're enlightened. We're empowered. We're dishing out accurate information on an age-appropriate basis. So the next logical step, says "Oprah" sexpert Dr. Laura Berman, is to buy our teenage girls their first vibrators.
Uh ... er ... ahem ... that is, I mean, what?
Awkward, yes, and also controversial. On "Oprah," Gayle King sat shaking her head. "Too much information," argues King, "....They know too much, they're doing too much, I'm just not in favor of giving them this much information." But Oprah disagrees. "They already have the information," she counters.
Dr. Berman agrees. She says putting information like this in the hands of teen girls gives them power over their own bodies, possibly even putting off that first sexual experience. "You're teaching them about their own body," says Dr. Berman, "....And taking the reigns of their own sexuality so they don't ever have to depend on any other teenage boy to do it for them."
The commenters over at Jezebel are typically in favor of anything that empowers young girls. But while many think open and honest conversations are a fabulous idea, they cringe at the idea of having that particular conversation with their own mothers. "My mother was open and honest about everything, including sex," says Jezebel commenter nakedscience, "And I still feel comfortable talking to her about stuff like that. But if she had ever bought me a vibrator, I would have been horrified."
Commenter grrl agrees. "I think I would have needed a lifetime of therapy, and heavy medication, if my mom had bought me a vibrator. There are just some areas of a girl's life that mom doesn't need to share in."
So which is it -- empowering? Or the ultimate example of helicopter parenting? I think that, as with most things in parenthood, it depends on the parent and the kid. What about you? What do you think about Dr. Berman's idea? Would you ever consider buying your teen daughter a vibrator? Or does the idea alone make you shudder?
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 5)
4-16-2009 @ 5:21PM
Joa said...Reminds me when daddy showed us 3 girls who to put a condom on by demonstrating with an actual condom and a plantain (just like a banana but way bigger and harder)... awkward, weird and shocking...... didn't really help since we were way to embarrassed to watch the demonstration which he gave when my other sister ended up pregnant.... I do appreciate him caring though.
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4-16-2009 @ 7:23PM
BeinReal said...Im sorry but no matter how religous you are, or what faith you carry, and what you preach to your kids... they are going to do what they want to do... to see that some of you say that "My child is not like this" or "my child will never have sex before marriage" makes me laugh... I got pregnant by a guy that was from a STRONG christian family his mom also never thought that he would have sex... my mom had NO clue that i had been having sex for quite some time before getting pregnant... Used condoms, on the last time, it broke... i got pregnant... we had to tell our families... I am not a slut, never have had an std, was never rude to others, never in trouble by the law... so what are you gonna say now? So for all you "moms" on here saying your child is NOT having sex... think again.. you never know... give your child the toold they need... inform them about birth control... i will talk with my son and daughter about sex when they are older... i will also let them know that they should wait.. BUT if they so choose to have sex i WILL provide them with what they need to protect themselves... my kids will have sex whether i say they can or cant... but the least i can do is protect them from STDs and teen pregnancies...!!!
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4-17-2009 @ 2:48PM
AP said...Sarah- I am a woman and I masturbated to orgasm as a child, long before I even knew what sex was. I just knew it felt good. Plus, I know I'm not alone in this-- I have friends and family members who had similar experiences.
And horseback riding being sexually stimulating? Yes, indeed. And I know I'm not alone in that, either.
The lesson to take from this? Both women and girls vary in their levels of sexual interest and sensitivity, and yes, some girls ARE motivated to have sex because of their hormones-- without needing any encouragement from boys.
However, perhaps a young aunt or older female cousin might be recruited for any "vibrator" talk. Probably less embarrassing than discussing that with mom!
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4-17-2009 @ 3:39PM
Vanessa said...ok being a teenage girl myself, I think i would be ruined for life if my mother bought me one! i don't need her that involved in my sexual life. sure i can share things with her about sex but i don't need her buying me things to help with my sex life. no thank you
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4-17-2009 @ 5:36PM
l8209g said...I am a child of the '70s & now a mom of 2 wonderful college age daughters. My mom for a '50s housewife was open & honest about sex with me as I am with my girls. But we also like our privacy. I walked in on my mom & dad "doing it" and thought I would go blind. I can't fathom walking in on my girls with a vibrator even if I knocked 1st. This is a very private action. Talking about it, answering questions sure but buying it. Sorry! I don't want to know. I may lend them the money for 1 if they asked me for it but that's as far as I would go.
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7-09-2009 @ 12:28AM
ammm said...okay some of you guys are absolutely ridiculous! okay i am a teenager currently and if my mom bought me a vibrator then i would be horrified but the comment about not knowing or not wanting to masterbate before getting kissed is just stupid. im 13 and i started masterbating when i was 12..but just to experiment which is probably what ur dughters are doing behind ur back. no girl needs a vibrator to make herself happy. i didnt! although i dont do it anymore bc i dont like it..a lot of girls do like it. and u would be surprised at how many girls and guys in my school that have already had sex MORE THEN ONCE!parents:kids dont want to talk to you about sex so if its their decision they wont come any where near you when its time for the discussion..spare ur kids an awkward and unwanted conversation
4-17-2009 @ 4:37PM
aRLENE said...OPRAH, IS GETTING TOO MANY SICKO'S ON HER SHOW.
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4-17-2009 @ 8:02PM
Claudia said...Talk honestly about sex the good the bad and feelings emotionally and sexually. Teenage girls however for the most part in the sex -saturated society we have today are unfortunately being used as sexual objects, and treating themselves as sexual objects. When today's girls are more concerned about being "sexy" as oppose to smart, we have a problem. I am far from being a feminist but teaching girls and young women to know how to take care of themselves is imperative. I am sadly watching two younger cousins in their mid-20's chase after the father's of their children. One graduated from college. The other has a mother that can send her college on her dime and that one does not want to go. They rather run behind these guys and "NOT" go to the Attorney General for Child Support. Sadly one has 3 children. The other won't go for a teaching certificate. SAD.
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4-18-2009 @ 9:55PM
diagd1 said...What a ridiculous idea. LIke one of the other people who commented above, I think the early sexual experiences for girls most often come because of the boy pressuring her into it, not because she has an "urge" to satisfy. Boys and girls are different in what they want. Girls, more often than not, have sex because of the intimate relationship they think it will bring. Instead of a vibrator to stave off sex, how about nurturing their relationships with their fathers, and if a father is not available, then a grandfather, uncle or anyone else (who is safe, and not going to take advantage of her). That is what she really wants!
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4-21-2009 @ 12:39AM
beansomatic said...I'd buy my daughter a vibrator, or have one of my friends do it if it was too uncomfortable for my daughter to approach the subject with me.
Teenagers are sexual beings. Girls totally have sexual urges and impulses, and masturbation is a good way to relieve those feelings without risking the consequences of a sexual relationship. For girls especially, masturbating is how we figure out what we like and how we orgasm...knowledge which prevents bad sex later on.
And the commenters above who think that boys are the ones doing all the sexual pressuing...LOL. You obviously haven't been around any teenage girls in the last decade or so. I've been out of highschool for nearly 20 years, and I remember that most of the girls I knew were very sexually assertive. We wanted sex as much, if not more than, the boys we were dating.
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4-23-2009 @ 7:11PM
Brittany said...The only thing worse than your mom mentioning masturbation and giving you a vibrator is looking for a pair of socks to borrow and finding your mom's OWN toys.
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4-24-2009 @ 10:21PM
rachelle said...Buy your daughter a vibrator, what is this world coming to. Everything is sex,sex,sex. Enough, let young girls be girls. Teenagers don't even know how to have a conversation any more without a phone in their hand . Teach young girls that they should get to know the boy they are dating,
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4-25-2009 @ 6:49PM
mimi said...The last few comments really point out the problem. A lot of girls don't discover masturbation very young. It's a gross error to assume that every young girl discovers this on their own. Some don't. There's a website called the clitoris.dot.com that has a forum where women share their masturbation history and stories. Many are the same. Some are strange. There is of course, women who have been abused. Some women admit to finding their clitoris between the ages of 5 and 10. Others as teens and shockingly there are women who get well into adulthood before they experience a clitoral orgasm.
We make far too many assumptions about what women do. My DH who was quite the stud a young man said he was shocked at how many women who never even looked at their genitals. This is true. Ask any GYN or sex therapist..
This is part of the problem. And yes it is true that some girls have libidos that remain dorment while others awaken earlier. And sexual abuse is not necessarily the reason. Who knows? Maybe There's a physical reason.
But neither group should be condemned.
Which is why parental instinct is important in knowing what's right for your child and not just assuming that they have inherited your sexual DNA. Big mistake!
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4-26-2009 @ 1:25AM
Angelique said...well...I'm a Teen girl and I am a virgin. Adults also need to understand that in this day and time teens are having sex @ 12-13 years old. Soo not only do they need to have the sex talk earlier masturbation is a natural occurance and I'm saving myself till marriage. Any boy who would pressure me to have sex will most definately be denied access.
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5-11-2009 @ 6:45AM
eveningdawndashr said...Personally, as a 20 year old with extremely strict parents, I know they NEVER would have done this with me. But honestly I didn't have to be taught about masturbation, and the vast majority of my friends also say that they just figured it out. I don't know how I would have felt about my mother buying me a vibrator, but I would have been happy if she had even told me they existed. That's as close as is really necessary, just the information. And for concerned parents, owning a vibrator is not "too much" for a girl if she is earnestly ready for that step with herself. At least she will be able to experience her own sexuality with a little less pressure from peers.
By the way, most of the people I know well with multiple partners have never used a vibrator, and on average those who own a vibrator have more self confidence when it comes to their sexuality. My friends often come to me for their sex advice, though I've only had one partner. I'd like to believe that the reason for that is my knowledge of my body and myself and that I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
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5-22-2009 @ 5:02PM
Jessica said...There is nothing wrong with masturbation, in fact it is healthy. If
you dissagree I am sorry. However, it is and should always be
PRIVATE.
I'm 17 and if my parent bought me a vibrator I too would be
horrified. In fact, my father offered me one once when I turned 16,
and I said no thank you. Not because I have a problem with them, but jeeze, he's my DAD. Is nothing sacred??
Just invest in a really good book that includes the subject, and both
parties should be perfectly happy. :)
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5-22-2009 @ 6:03PM
simpsongzr said...Yes,teen girls are as horny as a 13 year old leg humping boy.Look at the rise of sexting from young girls.I don't under stand why a parent would give any teen a phone with picture and texting ability.Just give them a reguler phone for urgent calls.
I was 14 when I had my first go at sex.A16 year old girl walked me through every position she knew while two other girls watched and took pictures.
Good thing there was no internet back then.
But still,she came to me.
When I was in Ausi,Some of the girls in this small town where I stayed at my brothers inlaws were as young as 9 haveing sex.I remember one day a girl (10)was telling her brother to beat up some kid becouse (he didn't pull out,and didn't tell her when he was going to Blow).
I also now of 2 girls who familys were very strict church going people.So strict,both these girs turned into sex machines to feel liked by some one.There fathers were complete dick heads.
Both there mothers have no idea that they were not virgins when they wed.
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5-25-2009 @ 12:10PM
ashley said...I agree with simpsongzr. Teenage girls are just as horny as teenage boys. I am in my twenties, and I can tell you that while it may have started as a need for emotional fulfillment from the first boy I had sex with, it quickly progressed to sexual satisfaction that I desired. And you wanna know the kicker? My mom did not find out that I had lost my virginity until this past Christmas. She was baffled because she thought that I would NEVER do that. Parents, I am telling you that if you don't talk to your kids, they will learn more on the school bus than they will from you. And most of that stuff won't be true. My parents were very open with me when I got into high school, but most of the stuff they were telling me I already knew. But I will say, that because my dad sat me down and talked to me about those things, all I could hear when I did give in to a boy was him telling me, "Men are pigs. They will take what they want from you, and then they will tell every one of their friends. And then their friends will want to get a piece of that to cause they think it will be easy." Parents need to be open with their kids; at an age appropriate time of course.
As far as the vibrator thing... My mother knows everything that I have ever done, and I would still die if my mother bought me a vibrator. And as far as using it as a substitute for sex, well masturbating and vibrators are a sorry substitute if that. And all of you that say that you never felt aroused until a boy kissed you, come on. Maybe you don't remember it because you didn't know what it was or maybe you are too embarrassed to admit it, but it happens to everyone.
But basically, if a teen wants to have sex, they will. No matter how religious or sheltered they are. You hover too much, and they WILL find ways around you, and they will only want to rebel MORE. Teach them to be safe, and teach them to love and respect themselves above all else.
6-11-2009 @ 10:03AM
GMS said...Even though I had experimented with pot prior, when my dad offered me a hit from his joint, I declined. I was also masturbating and having sex, so I think I would have declined a vibrator also. I have three going on four girls (and one boy), and I don't think I'll offer them a vibrator. I am sorry I had sex at such a young age. My masturbation did not prevent me from having sex; it made it more appealing to me. I don't have all the answers (God, I wish I did). I will speak openly to my daughters and provide them with good books. My husband and I will also tell them how early sex really destroyed us emotionally (the shame, the guilt, the pain from it not fulfilling our emotional needs, the effects of hurting others, etc.). I wish I had waited for him, and he wishes he waited for me. Hopefully they can learn from our candor.
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7-06-2009 @ 7:52PM
Stephanie said...okay sarah you are a very naive person if you don't think that your daughter has any feelings for masturbation or any sexual feelings at all. have you ever considered that maybe she just isn't comfortable talking to you about it. I mean if she is reading any of your comments i can see why she cant talk to you about it. Believe it of not girls do masturbate to an orgasm. we aren't growing up in the '70s anymore so sorry hun but welcome to 2009!
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