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Cyber-Spying on Your Teen - How Bad?
Filed under: Opinions
There's been much in the news about teen "sexting" and tween Twittering lately, which reminds me of when I was visiting with some friends who have teens, and a concerned mom confessed that she cyber-spied on her 14-year-old son and found out that 1) he was having slightly more advanced conversations about girls than she expected and 2) there was some occasional drug and alcohol experimentation going on.
"If I hadn't spied on him, I'd never have known," she said. She spoke to him about both of these issues and felt she was able to help him form some new opinions. But some other friends (with younger kids) were aghast that she had breached her son's trust, to which Mom-of-Teen pointed out A) that her son had not and would not find out about the spying and B) "My house, my computer" and then, a while later, C) Well, "How bad?"
I called my friend Linda Perlstein who is the author of a bestselling book called Not Much Just Chillin': The Hidden Lives of Middle Schoolers. "How bad is cyber spying on your teen?" she asked. "How exactly was she spying?"
"Because Facebook isn't private, it's published, so if that's what the mom was looking at, her son has no grounds to say, 'Mommy can't see it.'" It was my impression that she was pulling up his chat history and reading it, I told Linda.
"That's more like eavesdropping on a conversation," Linda said. "Even though it's sort of wrong, I give moms some slack here because they are responsible for their kids' well being. I know my opinion is not a popular one and some people put a very high value on children's privacy but I don't."
But what about trust? Won't the son find out eventually and feel that a sacred trust has been broken? Linda says the key factor in the decision to spy or not to spy is to ask yourself why you are spying. Here are points she suggests you keep in mind:
Ask yourself: Why do I want to spy? If you have worries about your child, says Perlstein, "Doing research that you need to do to keep him safe is fair game. If you have concerns about what your kid might be getting into, trusting them and thinking they would never lie to you is delusional. I know lots of teenagers who have great relationships with their parents and whose parents think they tell them everything and none of them do. I don't really have a problem with this kind of spying, I think that's okay. If you're so worried about pissing your kid off or breaking the trust you miss an opportunity to find out something you really need to know."
However, if you're just nosy... "I don't think it's criminal parenting parenting to be curious, but I think you should ask yourself do you need to be involved in all of the innermost thoughts of your kids -- do you need to know everything about them? And if so, can you find up front ways to do that, because there are definitely reasons not to spy." There's that old trust issue, and also if a child finds out you are spying, he will become ever more sneaky about his activities.
Don't fess up. "Like with any guilty situation, when you fess up to make yourself feel better, it can be a very selfish act." If you need to address issues with your child that you found out about by spying, says Perlstein, "do it in a roundabout way -- besides you won't get very far by announcing that you found out about this issue online and you're furious about it."
Restrain yourself. While working on a book about teens and sex, I met several moms who confessed that they started spying on their kids by reading their IM history, and got kind of "addicted" to reading about their child's lives, like it was a soap opera that they didn't want to give up. How can a child feel safe having his own thoughts if he's constantly being spied on? "It's a slippery slope," Perlstein agrees. "That's why you have to really ask yourself why you're doing it and show some restraint and judgement -- your child deserves that."
So, answer the question: How Bad is it to cyber-spy on your teenager? "This is a 2 if it's an isolated incident and you were curious or worried and had cause to take a look. If you're addicted to your kids happenings and you spy on them all the time, that's a 7 or an 8. Then the problem is not your child, it's you."
Do you have a story about cyber-spying to share? Comment below! Or send your How Bad question to PrincessLvsPink@Gmail.com.
Sabrina Weill is the editor-in-chief of PrincessLovesPink.com
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-16-2009 @ 1:01PM
Don said...I don't think it's bad at all in fact i think it's a right. If you feel your child cannot safely navigate the internet then you do need to keep a close eye on them.
A Couple of ways to do this
1.) first your computer should be in a public area of your house not in kids rooms.
2.) Install monitoring software on your computer (one I would recommend, I have no affiliation with the company just like the software) http://www.iambigbrother.com/
Not only do you want to make sure your child is safe you also want filter everything that comes into your house, you do the same thing with your TV why not the internet, there things far worse online.
Reply
4-16-2009 @ 3:29PM
LS said..."But what about trust? Won't the son find out eventually and feel that a sacred trust has been broken?"
Um.
WHAT???
Teenage son is experimenting with drugs, possibly sex, doesn't say anything to parents (at the least) or lies to them and says he isn't doing it (more likely), and the PARENT is worrying about losing the CHILD'S trust???
Really?
When did it become the parent's job to earn the trust of the child? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? When I was growing up, I lived with the absolute dread of losing my parents' trust, of disappointing them, of losing their approval. Now, it seems, parents are constantly bowing their heads, scraping and scrabbling, begging their children to "please, please, please, trust me! I won't do anything to offend you, I won't drop you off near school, I won't talk to your friends, just please, please, please LIKE ME."
Frightening. And enlightening.
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4-16-2009 @ 4:04PM
SKL said...This whole independence thing when it comes to the internet confuses me. These same parenting advisors are expecting parents to get involved in every mundane aspect of their kids' lives from doing their homework "with" them, to driving them everywhere to keep them safe from local pervs (and never leaving them alone in the car!), to giving them condoms to protect them from STDs. God forbid you send your child to the optometrist alone, but don't you dare take an interest in what he does online.
The use of the internet in my house is a privilege. If and when I choose to let my children use it, they will know that it's MINE and as such I have a right to know what they are doing on it, at any and all times. Should I let them drive my car without being allowed to know where they are going or whether they're impaired? Or make calls on my cell phone without my knowing whom they called? What if they decide to bring someone over and have sex in my bedroom? Is that off my radar too?
If my kids have something they need to say privately to someone, they can go whisper it in that person's ear. That was enough for us when we were kids.
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4-19-2009 @ 3:39AM
Aw said...Liberal parents and liberal people in general seem to believe children are like computers. Once you program the computer, it does what it is supposed to do. Wham bam bing bang, once you pop that kid out of the womb, or wean them they are on their own. LIBERALS WAKE UP ! ! ! CHILDREN DO NOT COME PRE-PROGRAMMED ! ! If you are going to have children, you are responsible for training them right, and your training does not end when they turn 18. The training lasts for LIFE. How they turn out is your responsibility and nobody elses. So yes the parent has a RIGHT and OBLIGATION to know what the child is doing on the internet, who their friends are, who they are communicating with on the phone, who is communicating with them by mail, what homework they have, what are they watching on tv, what activities are they involved in, curfew decisions, choosing their friends, dating decisions, clothing decisions,everything decision. It is not a matter of being an over-controlling parent. It is a matter of protecting and preparing your birth to 18 year old for life. Once they are adults and on their own, you can offer them advice/ suggestions, but the ultimate and final decision is the adult childs.
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4-20-2009 @ 2:54AM
Anne said...Parents there is no way this should be.
http://www.000health.com
Reply
5-02-2009 @ 7:53PM
jessica121 said...i am a 13 year old girl and i recently found out that my dad set up my aim screen name so that all of my conversations would be forwarded to his email. well my parents and i really trust each other, we have all of our email passwords, and all stuff like that. so one day i told him to check the email i sent him and he told me to open it. i signed on his name and clicked on the first one i saw from me. it was a copy of all of my instant messages from that day. i no i don't do anything bad and i, barley even swear, but i was just so mad at him for spying on me and thinking i had something to hide. i think that if you are going to spy on your son/daughter, if they find out it will take a lot to have them gain your trust again. i'm begging you for your child's sake, think to yourself first, could they really do anything bad and what do i have to gain out of this.
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5-22-2009 @ 4:25PM
Jessica said...As a teenager myself, 17, coming very close to 18, I perfectly understand why a parent would want to check up on their child, especially when communication is low and like the article said, there is a specific concern.
I really can't imagine myself ever being the kind of parent that can't trust my son or daughter to so much as send an email or IM without constant monitoring. (I find it kind of creepy and immature that some parents simply do it out of curiousity like it's a "soap opera"...) If you can't trust your fourteen year-old to be alone for five minutes without whoring themselves or dealing crack, don't you think there's something very wrong? If so, being sneaky doesn't fix the bigger picture.
Give people a chance to make a mistake or two before you begin to assume they're always up to no good.
Why not just teach him/her internet safety from a young age, set parental locks accordingly to age, and keep the computer in a public area of the home? A rare check is fine but more than that can be excessive.
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6-04-2009 @ 5:42PM
HR Cook said...I'm sorry but as a parent I believe you have the right to know what your children are doing and where they are doing it at all times. There are so many dangers in cyberspace that teens are unaware of or think they are invincible to, having the mentality "it won't happen to me." Always let your children know they can talk to you about anything -- but there are some things you may need to discover yourself for their safety. I learned the hard way after I found out my 15yr old niece snuck out of the house to meet some 20yr old guy she met online -- after that I was hacking into all of her stuff, going through her backpack, her room, etc. As long as they live under my roof -- it is my right.
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7-11-2009 @ 8:02PM
Ailly said...as a mom of a 13 year old girl of course i have cyberspied. but only when i was really worried about my daughters well being whilst she was being bullied.
sure your doing it for what you think is a good cause but if you were the good parent you think you are being then surely your kids trust you enough and can talk to you about their problems/experiences.
unless you have a really douchey child with like really weird freinds or you think their on hard drugs/pregnant or something. then check the instant mesaging chat logs and read them . once . no more. if you find nohing there, hack their myspace, facebook or bebo .
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