Skipping Kids Birthday Parties - How Bad?
Categories: Toddlers, Preschoolers
We are planning our childrens' combined birthday party right now. Since their birthday is in about five minutes, we thought this was a good time to start. Our kids are not twins, but their birthdays are two weeks apart, so we have a party for both of them on the weekend in between. I was talking to a friend about this and he asked me what our other friends do for birthdays. In our community, it's a range from backyard to bigger "event" type parties. We do the backyard or playground version, in part because of our aforementioned total lack of birthday-planning skills.
"How bad is it if you don't like going to these parties?" my friend asked, "Like if you skip other kids parties and don't care?" Hm, I asked, "Well do you RSVP? Because that seems mean to the mom otherwise." Yes, he RSVPs, it's just that he doesn't really see the big point in going to the parties, or in throwing a big party for his little one.
I know lots of parents (us included, some years) who have "gotten away with" just taking the kids out for ice cream on their birthdays. Is there a base-level of celebration that must occur to qualify as a good parent on your child's birthday? Is it bad to downsize the birthday to a family-only affair? To find out, I called friend and counselor Rosanne Tobey, L.P.C., Director of Calm and Sense Therapy.
"I think birthdays are what you make them," Tobey answered, rather sensibly. "What is important is that the child feel celebrated, how your family chooses to do that is up to you." So a small party is fine, yes?
"Small, intimate birthdays can have just as much meaning, if not more, than a large party full of children. But large parties are okay as well, just know that every birthday need not be an extravaganza in order to make a child feel special."
I was glad to hear this because on some years we've done more than other years, and I somehow feel that on the parenting grade-scale you're supposed to do pretty much the same thing every year. But maybe that's silly. Here are Rosanne's other thoughts about how to have a meaningful party that your child will have fond memories of:
Make your child feel special. Even if you're just taking her out for dinner, sing happy birthday, get a cupcake, have her wear a hat or a tiara, anything that shows her this is her special day.
Create traditions. This doesn't mean doing the exact same thing every year, party-wise. Maybe every birthday you tell your child the story of the day they were born, or take a picture of him wearing the same hat. He will grow to look forward to and treasure this consistency.
Don't compare. Even if your kids are always talking about the huge parties their friends are having, you don't have to buy into the birthday-party hype. "When your party is large just because everyone else has a large party, the party is not about the child anymore, it's about keeping up with the Joneses."
However, Tobey points out that if you know you're going to have a small party, consider only accepting invitations throughout the year to parties of the children that you would invite to a smaller gathering so you don't end up feeling pressured to "return the invitation."
So, answer the question: How Bad? "Honestly, I give this a zero. I think you should call downsizing birthday parties: how good! The larger the parties get, sometimes, the more diluted the child's connection to those attending. The bottom line on birthdays is, when you treat a child like they're very special it's a good thing. If that means breakfast in bed and presents at 7am or a special dinner alone with mom and dad on their birthday, it's good. Especially in this economy, parents should not feel pressured to show children they love them with expensive gifts or expensive parties."
Do you shun childrens' birthday parties, both others' and your own? If so, comment below -- or email your own cringe-worthy parenting moments to PrincessLvsPink@gmail.com and you might find out: How Bad?
Sabrina Weill is editor-in-chief of PrincessLovesPink.com.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
ame s 4-23-2009 @ 4:32PM
I'd rather be wacked with a stick than attend a kid birthday party.
My daughters are 2 days shy of being 2 years apart. When they were younger we did have seperate parties. I cringe when remembering my older girl's 6yr party. We invited her entire class to the bowling alley. I was honestly surprised when every one of them showed up. I had another surprise when I allowed them to each invite friends over for a sleepover. I ended up with 19 little 7 & 9 year old girls upstairs. Only one went home at bedtime.
Now that they are getting older they realize that if they skip a big party I can afford a nicer gift ;) My 9 year old invited 3 friends for a sleepover this year. My 11 year old invited 2, so my husband and I let them pick a restaurant to go to.
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Nicola 4-23-2009 @ 5:12PM
My Mom was just discussing this topic the other day. She wondered why, when my sister and I were kids, parents just did the "drop off" thing for birthday parties. You would never have assumed that a parent would stay. That would just be -- weird. These are your kid's friends, not necessarily YOUR friends. And that was such a good point! Why can't my son enjoy a fun party on a Saturday without it being up to whether or not I feel like socializing with that particular group of parents for two hours? And why can't I invite kids to a KID PARTY without having to provide entertainment and food for all of their parents as well (and some kids bring BOTH parents).
So, can I add a question to this comment? How does one specify that Johnny is invited to a birthday party and that Johnny ALONE is invited to the party? Not Johnny's parents, certainly not Johnny's siblings (that's another topic altogether). Why is it that all parties these days require a parent to supervise?
Because, if I didn't have to be there, I wouldn't care one bit about how many invites my son got. As it is, I cringe when I see the Transformers themed envelope in the mailbox...
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Anita 4-24-2009 @ 9:05AM
Nicole, I only stay at a party with my kids if I am already with the mom and she makes a point of asking. Otherwise, I consider it free babysitting and use party hours to run some errands. And the only parents who stay at my kids' parties are the ones I am friends with and I ask to stay to help out. No idea why other parents would choose to stay at a kid's birthday party unless it's at a pool or something and they are concerned with safety.
Karen 4-23-2009 @ 10:38PM
Parent are just more involved in their kids lives these days. When I wanted to have kids only I wrote DROP OFF: 2 pm and PICK UP at 4 pm on the invite. But you have to be prepared for the parent who is uncomfortable dropping off their child in a home of someone they do not know. Also, for us, we didn't have neighborhood schools so we didn't know the parents of our child's classmates where when I grew up, my mom knew my classmates because they lived in the neighborhood. Other parties I made clear that siblings WERE invited (usually when they were much younger). And frankly, why not use it as a reason to get to know your childn's friend's family? If you want to drop your kid off and it isn't clear on the invite, just call and ask the mom when you RSVP. Ask what time they'd like you to come back and pick them up?
But as for birthday, who says you have to do the same thing each year? We tend to make some years more important than others. Some birthdays are big parties, some are trips, some are smaller parties. It depends on the child's life and what they are interested in. My son wanted to go camping for his birthday for several years in a row. One year we invited 4 other familys and some years it was just us.
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Karen 4-23-2009 @ 10:38PM
That is a really cool looking cake in the picture!
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ninainindia 4-24-2009 @ 2:52AM
Just drop off the kid and enjoy a day fro yourself!
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Amanda 4-24-2009 @ 3:09PM
As far as inviting kids to our parties goes, we have a strict one-child-per-year policy, partly to keep the bedlam to a minimum and partly to keep costs low. However, since my older daughter's birthday is July 5th, we rarely have to worry about that because everybody is usually still out of town for Independence Day vacations. She has no problem with family-centered parties so far, because that's who we can usually have over without scheduling complications and also the rest of the family is close by.
As far as attending other kids' parties goes, I usually drop her off at the party and either run some errands (if the party is at a play zone in the county seat) or go home and enjoy the quiet time. As a stay-at-home mom whose husband works evenings and weekends, moments to myself during the daytime like that are platinum, especially on the weekends when I would otherwise have the kids by myself all day and be going completely bonkers by Sunday!
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Jennifer 4-27-2009 @ 4:00PM
Umm...so yeah, my oldest is six and we've NEVER thrown her a big party. Her first birthday was a cookout with our neighbors, her second she threw such a fit (at yet another cookout) she spent most of the night in her room, where she fell asleep. After that we wised up. We live near the beach and a really cool boardwalk, so for her third birthday we offered to take her to the boardwalk where she could play games and eat treats...do whatever she wants. And even though we go to the boardwalk all the time, her birthday is HER day to do whatever she wants-within limits. And she's only gone to four parties in her life-the last one just about put me over the edge. Neither my daughter nor myself like large crowds or chaos, so she doesn't mind doing the boardwalk and having her special day.
My younger daughter is only three, and her birthday is two days before Christmas, so we've done a special party at home. This last one she planned herself, by telling us what decorations and what kind of cake, etc she wanted. Then we hung out at home and did whatever.
If your child doesn't have a huge party they won't die, nor will their or your true friends think any different. Especially in today's economy, teaching our kids to cut back (like on parties) is a good way to teach them to responsible. Maybe then they will grow up and be more fiscally responsible than their parents and grandparents, whose actions have caused a recession.
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