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Do Babies Ruin Friendships?
Filed under: Opinions
Becoming a parent at a young age changed my life in many ways, not the least of which was losing the companionship of most of my friends. We were all so young and even though it hurt, I couldn't really blame them for going on with their child-free lives and leaving me behind. But while I chalked that experience up to youth, it would seem that dumping your new-parent friends is not exclusive to the immature.
Over at Cafe Mom, Emily writes about meeting a friend for lunch soon after giving birth:
"About three weeks after my son was born I went out to meet a friend for coffee. It took Herculean effort to get out the door-finding sweatpants that fit over my yo-yoing waist and a hat to cover my dirty hair, strapping my protesting infant into a carrier, packing diapers and blankets and pacifiers -- and by the time I got to the cafe I was a sweaty, anxious mess. My friend was wearing heels and looked sickeningly well rested.
'Oh!' she said, 'I didn't know you'd be bringing the baby!'
No, I thought I'd just leave him home alone, tended by our cats."
It seems that for many, the beginning of parenthood often spells the end of friendships. Former BFF's tend to drift away when you are no longer available at the drop of a hat to meet for drinks or other adult activities. The phone stops ringing and just when you probably need her most, your closest confidante is nowhere to be found.
As sad as that may be, it isn't the end of the world. Your new bundle of joy will also bring new adults into your life. Adults who will understand when you show up twenty minutes late for a lunch date with spit-up on your shirt. Or when you cancel that lunch date altogether because your potty training toddler refuses to put on pants. After all, that is why we try to make nice with other parents -- they get it.
People grow apart for all kinds of reasons, but nothing changes relationships quite like the addition of a child. What about you? Have you lost friends since becoming a parent?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-24-2009 @ 4:16PM
vwhit06 said...I have 2 Very good friends of mine one has 2 kids 3 and 10 and the other has a 1 year old.I love them to death but we have become 2 different people as we are growing up were all 24. We have different priorities and I honestly Dont see them as much as they'd like me to. I cant stand being around the stress the crying- Cant get up and go thing. The only difference here then the above statements is I would never turn my back on them. I may not have kids and I understand its a 24/7 job But no -children adults ALSO have some serious Business to tend to when were trying to build UP to that family life. Sometimes we Just cant handle being around Kids, When we dont have to.
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4-24-2009 @ 8:56PM
CLM said...I always made a point of staying in touch with my friends as they started having kids. They were still my friends. I simply learned how to plan things ahead of time so they could get sitters, and stopped by their place(s) when they couldn't get away. The great thing was, when it was (at long last) my turn, my friends (both with and without kids) did the same for me.
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4-24-2009 @ 9:07PM
Katty said...I have one good friend who had a son two years after I had my son and she told me the most interesting thing:
"You know, after you had A, I was like, okay, she had a baby, no biggie and then I had my son and I was like WHOA, she had a baby and I thought it wasn't a big deal and it really really was"
It made me realize that even if friends disappear, its because they really don't know what its like and your good friends will admit it :-)
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4-24-2009 @ 10:08PM
amy said...I have a son who is five and a daughter that is six months old, in my expeirence with friends and becoming a parent is that throughout the years you will weed out a lot of friends. You will loose some girlfriends in the beginning because they just flat out too selfish to comprehend that you had a baby, then there will be your mommy friends that will come and go also. I noticed in my expeirence as a mom that there are a lot of mothers out there "faking the funk" they will tell you that there child is perfect and potty trained in a day! Those are the people that will never admit that being a parent is the hardest job in the world. I can proudly say that i have a great group of friends that can admit that there are hard and trying days being parents and tell me that i'm not alone. As for my single and child free friends i am their therapist! They will show up to my house when i'm scrubbing bathrooms to talk about there very busy and dramatic lives. I love them but they must not come empty handed!!! sandwiches or starbucks!!! anywho... real friends if they truely love you and value your friendship will make a point to be a part of your new life, spit up and all....
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4-26-2009 @ 1:32AM
yasmingamal said...I was lucky, my best friend was pregnant when I was. I gave birth 5 months before her, so we were both aware of the changes in each others' lives. It is true that you fall out of sync with the women who don't have children because you have a different timetable and your needs change, that doesn't mean that you can't be friends. You just need to be clear about your needs and that you'd love them to be a part of your life. Good friends will do the same, and with a little compromise everything will work out.
4-26-2009 @ 1:53AM
mommyquest said...I don't think it ruins friendships so much as just changes them. I wouldn't consider it ruining a friendship even if you no longer spend time with that person. Sometimes your friends are just on different paths than you are. Most of our friends we still talk to even though we had a baby, we just don't hang out as often as we used to and when we do hang out it is generally different. We aren't the ones they call to go to a club or a bar now but when someone is having a BBQ they'll invite us over. I wouldn't ocnsider that a ruined friendship it has just changed.
First time mom from
http://mommyquest.blogspot.com/
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4-26-2009 @ 12:13PM
Melody said...I have always been the single one with my group of friends, and the youngest. So when my friends had kids I learned to roll with it. I even babysat for them at times. I've always been one to plan things ahead of time so that didn't change when my friends started having kids. So, I've noticed no change from how it used to be--only the fact that we might have one or two extra little ones around.
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4-27-2009 @ 10:55AM
Amy said...I found just the opposite. As my friends had babies, they no longer wanted to do things with me, because I was still single. And when my group of friends would get together, all they would talk about was babies.... nothing else. I was bored to tears. They forgot to have any other interests in their lives. Now that I have a child, I do have some different friends, but my child isn't my whole life. He helps to make me who I am, but he is just one part of who I am.
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4-27-2009 @ 3:17PM
Crazypolynesian said...Prior to having my baby, I was a smoker that hung out with a whole bunch of other smokers. Of course I quit smoking, but after the baby was born, I couldn't bring myself to take my baby to my friend's houses where they smoked INSIDE the house. So basically, for my own child's sake, I've stopped hanging out with a bunch of my smoker friends.
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5-30-2009 @ 4:19AM
Mom Of 2 said...I haven't "lost" any of my friends per se, but I find myself trying to avoid meeting up with them simply because they can't seem to understand that things just aren't the same anymore.
I can't be there at last minute's notice because I have to schedule activities around my kid's naptime.
I prefer not to go to certain places simply because we don't drive and getting there can be such a bitch.
I can't have them visit as and when THEY feel like it because I need the time to rest and clean house.
But they mostly just interpret it as me being lazy or selfish. Like I said, they just don't (and probably won't) get it until they become parents themselves.
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