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Filed under: Baby Names
I love my grandmother's middle name, but it is my cousin's first name (we are not very close). Dare I use it for my own daughter? If I were to use it, would my family think I was stealing the name from my cousin, or would they assume it was in her honor?
- E.
Sometimes choosing a baby name can seem like choosing an email user name. You start out thinking about the best choice, but pretty soon you're just hunting for something reasonable that hasn't been claimed yet. Isabella? Sister-in-law took it. Gabriella? Neighbor owns it. Aarghh!
Many parents, therefore, ask me about the boundaries of name theft. Does it count as stealing if it's your second cousin's kid's name? What about your husband's college roommate whom he only sees once a year? Your next-door neighbor, if there's a really big fence between your yards?
In most cases, I think the whole idea of name theft is overblown. If your child's name is fashionable, she's likely to share it with classmates and coworkers throughout her life. There's nothing wrong with that, it just means that the name is well-liked. One more Isabella, even in your own social circle, shouldn't hurt anybody.
If you choose a genuinely unusual name, though, the duplication can stand out like a sore thumb. If your cousin is named Zephyr or Mehitabel, it's a fair bet that the name will be taken as an homage...and cousin Zephyr may well be taken aback.
May I propose a radical solution? Ask her. It always surprises me how few people take this direct approach to determining another person's feelings. If you're genuinely concerned about how she feels, you'll find out. And if you really just want permission to do what you want...don't say I told you this, but if you ask the question right, you can usually get the answer you're looking for.
Start off by saying how much you've always loved the name, how much you envy her for bearing it (or admire her for choosing it for her child), and how you really hope she won't mind if you give this beloved name to your own child. Not many people will have the gall to come between an expectant mom and the name of her dreams. Now you have your OK, and can explain to anyone who cares that you asked permission first.
Have you ever "stolen" a name -- or had one of your own taken? Share your experiences!
Have a question to Ask the Name Lady? Drop her a line!
- E.
Sometimes choosing a baby name can seem like choosing an email user name. You start out thinking about the best choice, but pretty soon you're just hunting for something reasonable that hasn't been claimed yet. Isabella? Sister-in-law took it. Gabriella? Neighbor owns it. Aarghh!
Many parents, therefore, ask me about the boundaries of name theft. Does it count as stealing if it's your second cousin's kid's name? What about your husband's college roommate whom he only sees once a year? Your next-door neighbor, if there's a really big fence between your yards?
In most cases, I think the whole idea of name theft is overblown. If your child's name is fashionable, she's likely to share it with classmates and coworkers throughout her life. There's nothing wrong with that, it just means that the name is well-liked. One more Isabella, even in your own social circle, shouldn't hurt anybody.
If you choose a genuinely unusual name, though, the duplication can stand out like a sore thumb. If your cousin is named Zephyr or Mehitabel, it's a fair bet that the name will be taken as an homage...and cousin Zephyr may well be taken aback.
May I propose a radical solution? Ask her. It always surprises me how few people take this direct approach to determining another person's feelings. If you're genuinely concerned about how she feels, you'll find out. And if you really just want permission to do what you want...don't say I told you this, but if you ask the question right, you can usually get the answer you're looking for.
Start off by saying how much you've always loved the name, how much you envy her for bearing it (or admire her for choosing it for her child), and how you really hope she won't mind if you give this beloved name to your own child. Not many people will have the gall to come between an expectant mom and the name of her dreams. Now you have your OK, and can explain to anyone who cares that you asked permission first.
Have you ever "stolen" a name -- or had one of your own taken? Share your experiences!
Have a question to Ask the Name Lady? Drop her a line!
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-27-2009 @ 11:18AM
Michelle said...My boyfriend and I were pregnant roughly the same time as one of his best friends and his girlfriend and we both had boys (my son was born a few months before theirs). We had picked the name Dominick Connor, and after they're son was born we found out they had named him Austin Dominick. I was a little miffed that they didn't say anything but didn't make a big deal since it was a middle name, but then I found out that apparently she didn't care and didn't want to ask how we felt, and she was going to make their son's name Dominick Austin until he said no, this apparently was an ongoing argument since I found out they even argued at the time when the birth certificate was filled out. Since they're birthdays were so close I wouldn't have liked them using the same name, even so far as to pull the "we thought of it first and our son was born first" card. My boyfriend, though, before we picked a name, was vetoing any name if he knew someone with it. I think it's ok to pick a cousins name, etc, especially if that cousin won't have the same last name (I can understanding not wanting two Steve Smiths, but if one of the names is Steve Taylor that's totally different, for example).
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4-27-2009 @ 11:27AM
Mary Sullivan said...Ooh, fun topic. We had something just like this happen. My twin brother used my middle brother's *middle* name for his son's first name. Middle brother surprised everyone by being super offended, said he was saving that for his own son, down the road. Funny thing is, the name in question originally was my mom's last name. (Phew, this gets confusing!) My mom joked that if anyone felt encroached upon, it should be her. But of course she didn't.
I agree that just asking, in advance, is a good idea. But in this case, my twin bro. didn't even know to ask, because he didn't think he'd be ticking anyone off.
Related question: How bad is it to use a friend's kid's name for your pet? Pretty bad, right? Just checking, as there's a cute, classic, kind of folksy name I'd like to use for a kitten, but my friend took it for his daughter. I figure that would be a MAJOR faux-pas, so back to the drawing board.
regards,
Mary
http://www.squidoo.com/justbreathe
Reply
12-28-2009 @ 4:43PM
Sarah said...I've got the opposite problem! Ella was my great-grandmothers name and has definitely come back into fashion, to the point where my fiancee won't consider it because it was the name of his dearly (and recently) departed cat! Here's the kicker, the cat was named after the neighbor's daughter!
4-27-2009 @ 12:25PM
Emily said...Our son's name, Wilder, was suggested to us by a friend after a colleague of hers. We never met the colleague & had no trouble using his name, especially as we had never encountered another Wilder. It wasn't in the top 1000 (our primary criteria for name choice) and we loved how it sounded. We wanted to use my father's name for my son's middle name, but my sister had just used it for her baby's middle name, so we opted not to.
When a church acquaintance's son was born several months later, she asked us if we minded if they used Wilder, which I thought was very sweet of her. She commented on how personal name choices were and she really wanted to make sure we didn't mind and if we did, I think she'd have used a different name. We didn't mind particularly, but it is funny how out of our way we went to use an unpopular name and as it turns out, our church has three Wilders under the age of two.
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4-27-2009 @ 12:03PM
Kelly said...Great Topic. What if the name you love is the same as one of your best friends child? The only thing which may make this okay, is that you dont see this best friend often because of busy schedules....(although you talk often on the phone). Her child is 7 years old, so there would be an age difference. She has said its okay with her, but I still question whether its right or not. Opinions?
Reply
4-28-2009 @ 6:25PM
bremarie03 said...My best friend decided to use my daughter's (somewhat unusual) middle name for her daughter's first name. I wouldn't have minded (much), except she tried to claim that she suggested the name to me in the first place. Well, I know exactly where I got the idea, and it wasn't her. So now (even though it's so disgustingly petty, I can't help myself) I always make a point to call my daughter by her first AND middle names at least once every time we're around her, just to remind everyone who had the name first.
And despite evidence to the contrary, we actually have a very good friendship.
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