Parents Partially to Blame for Narcissism "Epidemic"

by Amy Hatch (Subscribe to Amy Hatch's posts) Apr 28th 2009 10:00AM

Categories: Playground Bureau, Extreme Childhood, Books

Rampant plastic surgery, materialism, helicopter parents, and the cult of celebrity are all contributing factors in the "epidemic" of narcissism among young people, and especially among college-age women, according to a new book, "The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement."

Narcissism, defined as excessive self-love, is on the rise, according to authors and renowned psychiatrists Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell. Based on several scientific studies, their book outlines how extreme over-confidence often leads to disaster -- both on a personal level and for society as a whole.

So just what makes a narcissist? Easy credit, celebrity worship and treating your kids like royalty. So basically, everything about modern American culture. Julie Marsh, author of the blog The Mommy Slant, agrees. Marsh, a Denver, Colo. mom of three, asserts that parents are so quick to praise their children -- and so reluctant to dole out the discipline -- that we're creating yet another generation of spoiled brats.

"I think it's ultimately detrimental to tell a kid that they're the smartest or the prettiest or the fastest," Marsh says. "Having integrated that sort of superlative into their identity, what happens when they meet someone smarter or prettier or faster? In an attempt to bolster their self-esteem, we've actually set them up to have their sense of self shaken, leading them to avoid challenges."

Bad Kid-Habits and How You Can Fix Them

Whining

TRY: "I can't understand you when you're talking in that whiny voice. Can you ask again in a different way?" (You have to say this at least 10,000 times before it works.) Hold firm with: "I'm sorry you're upset but the answer is still no."

Zela on SXC

Bad Kid-Habit: Screen-obsession

TRY: "Hey kids, new rule: You can only watch TV [say your rules here]." Follow by posting the new rules on the fridge, which will give you the opportunity tosimply point rather than repeat the rule 100x per day.

TIP: Refer to the Tips on the Bad Kid-Habit Whining slide to cope with what happens immediately after you say this and for the 7-10 days that follow.

Annalog85 on SXC

Bad Kid-Habit: Won't Eat Anything

TRY: "If you eat that broccoli, I will cry! I'll do it! No! Don't eat it!" Follow with hysterical pretend-crying. For some reason our children love to watch us sob over veggies.

TIP: You have to really pour on the drama for this to work.

justinhenry on Flickr

Bad Kid-Habit: Won't Get Ready

TRY: We put a sticker chart by the door, and give stickers (princesses for our Little Princess, smiley faces for our Prince) every time they are ready at the door by 7:45.

TIP: Give a small prize when the chart has 25 stickers on it. Something small. Like stickers.

merfam on Flickr

Bad Kid-Habit: Ignores your requests

TRY: Wait until your child needs something (hungry, thirsty, help with a project) then say, "Sure-could you please just put your clothes in the hamper first? Thanks!"

TIP: Don't repeat requests a million times, because that turns your voice into Background Noise.

Johan Larsson on flickr

Bad Kid-Habit: Won't Go to Bed

TRY: Routine, routine, routine. After reading 1,000 books about this, routine is the common advice-thread. Figure out the sequence of events that works best for
your family and do their bedtime routine the same way at the same time every night. (If you have a great routine that works, will you post it in the comments?)

TIP: If you can incorporate things you say or sing into the routine every night, that's even better (like singing the same songs in the same order). Remember Pavlov?

Robert Crum on flickr

Bad Kid-Habit: Sibling fighting

TRY: "Okay you two are not allowed to play with each other for the next 5 minutes. Please find separate things to do." (Follow up with suggestions so they don't just stare helplessly into the middle distance).

TIP: This tends to make siblings unite against you in their desperate desire to play together. Really make them wait it out.

hyperboreal on flickr

Bad Kid-Habit: Dawdling

TRY: When you need your kids to walk along say "Green Light!" and when you need them to stop say "Red Light!" Add in fun by saying "Purple Light!" and explaining what that means (skipping, hopping, or kids' favorite method of forward-motion: the Gallop).

TIP: This comes in super-handy when kids are about to run too far down the block and you shout RED LIGHT!

bjearwicke on SXC

Bad Kid-Habit: Hitting

TRY: When she gets that "I'm going to hit you" look, prevent her from hitting by saying "no hitting that hurts" and moving out of reach or holding her hands.

TIP: Preventing hitting takes more vigilance but if you can do it, it's easier to correct the behavior rather than reacting once you have been hit and part of you is in parenting mode while part of you is distracted by: "Ow, my eye!"

jmcknight on flickr

Bad Kid-Habit: Clinging

TRY: Cling back. This sounds crazy but worked for me-I tell my 4 year old "Oh my gosh, you are stuck to my butt! Please hang on! Don't fall off!" She laughs like crazy while I try to get dressed and put my makeup on with her hanging on. After a few minutes she's had enough and lets go.

TIP: Finish your coffee first.

Sarah Serendipity on flickr

Dr. Susan Giurleo is a child and family psychologist in North Andover, Mass., and she agrees wholeheartedly that parenting plays a strong role when it comes to narcissism.

"Parents tend to see their children as fragile and unable to manage for themselves," says Giurleo. "Instead of teaching children and teens to figure things out, accept consequences for their actions, and feel any real pain, parents rush in to rescue, solve and eliminate all struggle for their kids."

In her practice, she adds, she sees many parents who fail to set high, clear expectations for their children, and don't follow through when kids misbehave. "So, when a child grows up with no rules or expectations, no consequences for poor behavior, and are always rescued from their poor decisions, they accurately determine that they are special and in control," she says.

Oh, man, did that ever make me cringe. I hate to see my kids suffer, and of course I think they are the most special little boy and girl who ever walked the earth. I'm a lot better than I used to be, but my husband is the heavy hand when it comes to setting expectations and following through on consequences. Me? I'm much more likely to issue hugs and kisses than discipline.

Reading this made me realize I'm not doing them any favors, and on top of that, they are growing up surrounded by a culture that places heavy emphasis on being exceptional. But into every life a little failure falls, and I also want them to know that stumbling here and there doesn't make you weak or stupid -- it just makes you human.

Do you put your kids on a pedestal, and does it show in their behavior?

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Comments (29)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

Mary Sullivan 4-28-2009 @ 10:47AM

Well, it's always easy to blame parents for everything.

The experts quoted make some valid points, but without much empathy for kids and families.

I worry more, personally, about epidemic depression and anxiety among kids/teens than about "narcissism." On the other hand, some of the same factors could be contributing either way: rescuing, micromanaging, and overpraising instead of actually engaging with kids in small, natural ways; imbalanced nonschool hours that emphasize homework and electronics (both sedentary) over chores, sleep, exercise, and other things kids need to be grounded and healthy. Seems like we're pushing them too much in some ways, not enough in others.

Read a NY Mag article that stuck with me: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Not sure the link will work--but it's a worthwhile piece. Title was "How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise," from the 2/12/07 issue.

Some kids are naturally confident and competent in navigating the world, while others need more coaching. Coaching is different from rescuing/doing things for them, and frankly it takes more work upfront. It's a long-term investment. When we don't make that investment, we pay.

Part of the over-involvement, or inappropriate involvement, is safety related. In the old days, you'd see it on the news if something bad happened to a chid in your neighborhood or metro area. With today's media we see and hear about bad stuff *everywhere,* every day. The impression created is that kids are in constant danger, and for some of us it's not easy to work through that, even though we'll stunt our kids' growth if we don't. I think it's more about learned helplessness than "narcissism."

regards,
Mary
http://www.squidoo.com/greatfamilymovies

dale floody 5-25-2009 @ 5:55AM

Tempest in a Teapot?

The primary scientific evidence for the existence of an “epidemic of narcissism” involves changes over time (1979 to 2006) in college student’s scores on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory. However, there is ongoing debate in the psychological literature concerning the merit of this evidence (for a summary, see www.balancedpsych.com).

Given this debate, what remains is loads of anecdotal evidence based on selected segments of the population. It makes for fun and interesting reading, but I’ve been teaching at the college level for 35 years, and I’m not at all convinced that there really is an epidemic of narcissism.

By the way, there's also a section devoted to parenting on the above web site. Enjoy.

SKL 4-28-2009 @ 11:05AM

It does't help that every time a parent tries to teach a child a lesson, there is an uproar. Unless you're willing to forego any sense of approval from other adults, you can't spank, ground, deprive, push, or let the child experience the natural results of his actions. And every day you hear of some city or state that is trying to ban some type of discipline or force some type of hand-holding. Then you have communities (like this one) where everyone talks a good game about how patience must always win the day - when at home they are just as human as everyone else. Parents need to have the guts to do what they feel is right regardless of what others think.

As for narcissistic actions such as plastic surgery, they are easy to prevent. Say no! No. It's easy, just practice it a little. My kid will be lucky if I let her wear make-up before age 18, let alone have a knife taken to her body. What a way to tell your daughter she's ugly: "you need a doctor to make you pretty, honey." No.

DesiRee 4-28-2009 @ 12:45PM

Well said, SKL.
Well said.

CLM 4-28-2009 @ 6:40PM

SKL,

I am totally with you on your last paragraph!

AMJ 5-05-2009 @ 2:19PM

SKL, I couldn't have said it better. It is ironic how the same school systems and government that passed numerous laws against spanking and other discipline are now saying we will arrest and hold parents responsible for children actions. You pass every law you can to supersede my rights as the parents and now that the are out of control 'little adult' is running rampant; you want to arrest or fine me.
I'm fined if I spank and I'm fine if I don't and they go out and act wild and crazy cause they know, better then some adults, their rights as provided by the government.
You know what, I'll do time to discipline mine!

LS 4-28-2009 @ 11:31AM

Something in the original post caught my eye. Bethany, you were worried that you're too lenient, whereas your husband is heavy-handed. Well... seems to me, that might be a good balance. That's why the "ideal" family has a mom and a dad. Moms are naturally more nurturing and compassionate, whereas the dads are generally the "enforcer". That doesn't mean that those roles can't be exchanged, it just makes for a nice balance. As long as you're not undermining your husband when he says "no", you should be ok. There's nothing that says that you can't say, "I'm sorry honey, dad says no, and I agree with him."

As for the narcissistic tendencies of "today's youth"? I absolutely believe it. Look through some Facebook pages of high school and college-age kids, girls, mostly (in my experience). Hundreds upon hundreds of pictures of THEMSELVES, taken by.... themselves. With their phones, with their digital cameras. Put through Picnik, Photoshop, whatever, to emphasize themselves even more. Rarely pics of others besides them, unless they are in the picture, too. Talk to some of them. If the topic leaves their life for more than a few sentences, they're suddenly texting someone, or they change the subject back.

Where does it come from? I agree, parents. But I also have to tag schools and their stupid "no red ink" and "no keeping score" and "nobody fails" grading systems. Teachers can't discipline a child without the parents going to the administration and bringing the house down on that teacher. Also have to agree with SKL - parents who discipline their children run the risk of having them taken away if they so much as raise their voice at them. We have become a world more concerned with how we feel than what we know. And that's dangerous. VERY dangerous.

LS 4-28-2009 @ 11:32AM

Oops... I feel like a total dork. AMY!!!! The writer is AMY!!! not Bethany. I was thinking of two posts at the same time. time for some ADD meds, I guess.

Amy, my humble apologies for messing up your name.

DesiRee 4-28-2009 @ 12:45PM

There are lots of valid points here. I am not the type of mom who entitles her children to everything and anything they want. They have lots of stuff, but they've had to earn it and do get it taken away if they mess up. When they make mistakes, they are forced to face the consequences. Parents who do not teach their children consequences (good, bad, or ugly) are setting those children up for some serious failures later on in life.
You should see and hear the responses I get from the "officials" at their school when things go wrong! They look at me shocked and will always question my response to my child's mistake. For example, if my son doesn't do his homework (or leaves it at home...he's in sixth grade), I do not drop whatever I'm doing to run it over to the school. So his teacher was allowing him to do it in class. I politely told the teacher that my son needs to face consequences and be benched during recess so he can complete his work. Apparently that makes me a bad parent for forcing him to take responsibility for his actions. The teacher's response to my insisting my son face consequences for lack of planning? He allows him to do modified work, and complete it in class. How is that supposed to help him?
These are the same "officials" who do not allow the children to run on the playground (supposedly because they might fall and get hurt) during recess. They will actually punish children with a note or bench them for running during recess. Then people wonder why kids are obese? They wonder why kids can't sit still in class, say they must have ADHD, and medicate them? I fell plenty of times during recess as a child. I learned to go to the nurse to help me clean it up, bandage it up, and be more careful next time. And before any comments are made from the ADHD team, I, myself have it, but have learned to manage it by burning off much of my energy which enables me to focus for certain periods of time.

Kids aren't allowed to choose teams for kickball or whatever, because someone's feelings might get hurt if they're chosen last. ::roll eyes:: Whatever. So the kid who was chosen last will either learn to be a better athlete or more likeable if they want to be chosen first.
It's ridiculous, and so incredibly frustrating!
Consequences, good or bad, are an excellent learning opportunity.
Learning opportunities lend to people striving to be the best they can be. I don't see any harm in that at all. That's what God wants us to do, too.

MLP 4-28-2009 @ 12:21PM

It's funny how the headline reads "Parents Partially To Blame. . ."

Of course parents are to blame. There are parents in the media, education, government and of course the medical field. We seem to think that we are detached from these other entities that make up our society. It’s them against us thinking. We are all the problem. I can't have a conversation with a fellow woman that doesn't begin with her recanting all of the things she has on her agenda. All that involves her driving, volunteering or something that involves her all mighty child. I'm sick of it. I call them "one uppers." Adults can't feel confident in a conversation without including their child's accomplishments. They are living through their children. Our children are not individuals; they are extensions of ourselves, literally! Doesn't anybody question why there are so many children retaliating out there by using drugs, cheating, shooting people? Maybe they want to be children, not badges of honor that we parents wear on our chests. Come on we glamorize the child with "18 and Counting" and "Kate and what's his name Make 8." How about "8 is enough?" The rest of the world is watching us and our society that is becoming more self-indulgent by the day. What happen to children being our greatest commodity, instead of our greatest source of personal self-esteem? We are to raise them to be functioning individuals in society, not takers.

Mary Sullivan 4-28-2009 @ 12:29PM

"8 is Enough"--amen! ;)

shannon 4-28-2009 @ 1:36PM

It's not so much the over-the-top praise that I witness, but the over-praise when the child hasn't done really anything or has done something that is completely wrong in a sports task for example and the parents are just gushing over the mediocrity. Then they expect the teacher or the coach to do the same. I understand encouragement but sometimes no comment on a task is just fine and to let the child just "be."

Another thing I find disturbing is these private, developmental schools that seem to be producing these enabled, social misfits. For example, the child doesn't raise his hand to answer a question but just blurts out the answer and this kind of behavior has been allowed to fester over the years. So by the time the child hits middle school, the child is constantly disrupting the classroom by blathering through an entire lecture. When the parents hear the complaint they ask the teacher to understand that their child is a "genius and should be allowed to operate this way." When in reality, in his previous school years, if he had been reminded gently over the years to wait his turn instead of having the behavior just reinforced again and again, that might have helped.

A friend of mine was recently told by his 5th grade teacher that her son doesn't "connect" with any of the other kids. After 4 years of being at this school, he's never connected with anybody! So what! And now they are revealing this to her! He's a really bright and sweet kid. He's academic and poses no behavior problems. You could almost say he's just shy. When I was growing up this wasn't a big deal, but the school is saying he has an "issue." Everybody has issues and we deal with it. I told my friend to find another school but she's buying the school's diagnosis even though they are not qualified in anyway to give one. She has had him tested and the results have come back and no autism, or anything else. The guy just isn't the super talkative type. What really would have helped him socially though is if he would have had a better gender balance. His class has been made up of three boys and seventeen girls. Like do you think that might have something to do with it?

That's what I love about public school! 10 boys and 10 girls and everything is not "an issue."

mikkilee69 4-28-2009 @ 7:07PM

Parents Partially to Blame for Narcissism "Epidemic?"

I almost have to laugh at that. Parents are partially to blame? Who do we fully blame? Isn't it typical of a narcissistic person/child to blame others and not take any responsibilty for their own actions. If you read through the blogs here and elsewhere you will find parents blaming the government, education, the other parent(divorce situations) and the media for children's bad behavior. They very rarely start with themselves.

ajaske 4-28-2009 @ 12:50PM

While I don't doubt there are some issues with young people and parenting that are new to this era, I am skeptical of these so-called experts. In the 60s or 70s, the world was supposedly going to hell in a handbasket due to poor parenting, the impact of TV, and the cult of celebrity. So here we are 40 years later and it is simply the same diagnosis, but with new technology (now let's blame video games.)

I am sensitive to this because my daughter's high school principal essentially accused us of being overly involved in fighting for my daughter when she was given a D in Calculus in high school. There are times, all through high school, when kids need their parents to continue to help them fight their cause at times. I have tried to learn from times when I may have been a bit more involved than I should have. But I also think there are a lot of aggressive, territorial adults who believe their actions should go without questioning, whether they are right or wrong and think parents should never be involved, because it is inconvenient for them and it is a lot easier for the adult to bully a high school kid.

Over time, it is good to give kids more freedom and have them resolve as many issues as possible. But it has to be a gradual process and it has to take into account that there are a lot of adults out there who do not have your kids' best interests at heart (although there are also a lot who do!)

My daughter is now in college across the country and very independent. She spent her spring break building Habitat for Humanity houses in New Orleans. She is off to spend a year abroad for school and doing an internship this summer in wildlife rehabilitation. I find it pretty insulting to see people like her painted with a broad and prejudicial brush stroke by these type of writers. And I think the fact that we were involved parents was probably helpful, not harmful. I would certainly put my daughter's character and that of many of her friends up against most of these so called experts. Adults who brought us the last 10 years of rampant ineptness and corruption ought to think twice before they start criticizing young people and the current crop of parents. In other words, perhaps good to take the log out of your own eye before taking the splinter out of others.

endo 5-08-2009 @ 9:01PM

"Adults who brought us the last 10 years of rampant ineptness and corruption ought to think twice before they start criticizing young people and the current crop of parents"

This is exactly the kind of thinking the author was critcizing. It's always someone else that's creating the problems for you and your child Of course your child doesn't have any of the traits listed above, she's perfect and never deserves a "D" in anything. If your daughter is in college doesn't that mean you were an adult for the last 10 years? Look in the mirror.

SKL 4-28-2009 @ 1:20PM

Your daughter "earned" a D in calculus. She was not "given" a D.

Your daughter must have been nearly an adult when she "earned" this D. When you say parents must back off gradually, when are you thinking it should start - the night before their 18th birthday?

It's true that not all teachers are going to bend over backward for all kids. That is how most people are when they deal with adults, so kids might as well get used to the idea, unless they aren't planning to be treated like adults any time soon.

Ernie 4-29-2009 @ 3:41PM

I'm glad your daughter is taking time off to build homes for the needy and not trying to solve Calculus problems during the summer. She obviously knows what she's good at and what she's not good at. Despite your fight to raise her D to a C or B or A (which, by the way, how do you argue with a grade in math? It's either right or wrong. No questions), she hasn't really needed to use it. Perhaps more Geometry would have been better; it comes in handy when building homes. Remember, somebody has to get a D. At the same time, I'll bet she did very well in biology. If everyone is getting A's, the class is not hard enough and THAT you should be screaming about.

shannon 4-28-2009 @ 1:37PM

A "D" in calculus huh? So did you win the battle and get the grade changed? Was it because the teacher didn't like her or did she deserve the "D" because of test scores and not doing extra credit? Didn't she know by mid-semester what her grade was and what the outcome might be? In otherwords, what the consequences might be?

Gena 4-28-2009 @ 1:30PM

Ajaske, let us put into perspective that in this day and age, your daughter might be the exception to the narcissism problem.

I hear so often from my daughters' grandmother that they are deprived because they don't have the latest video games, the best sneakers, massive and expensive christmas gifts, blah, blah, blah. The mantra is "I don't want them to feel left out". One of the reasons why her son and I aren't together is because of his grandoise sense of entitlement. That woman will never let her son fall, and believe me, he knows it. I don't want my girls to be the same way.

hurnda 4-28-2009 @ 1:54PM

My husband is a defense attorney and has seen this trend progress over the past 40 years. Many of his clients are the children and grandchildren of former clients and their attitudes are increasingly more difficult to reform. He has made it his life work to teach these people how to live better, more productive lives. Many have 'eventually' thanked him. We retire soon, and with the ever decreasing common denominator in society, we are concerned for our own children and grandchildren, as they have to deal with this mess.

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