Nearly 1 In 20 US Adults Over 50 Has A Fake Knee
Monique Ruffin: The Journey to Very Poor
Empty Threats - How Bad?
Filed under: Opinions
Ah, empty threats. They're like chocolate ice cream in the morning. We know we shouldn't, but then it just... happens. The following How Bad? question is from a dad who says he has a "friend" with an empty threat problem...While *I* am perfect, I have a "friend" who has the habit of making threats that there is no way I, er, I mean he would ever follow through on. Like "if you don't stop it right this instant, I'll stop the car, let you out, and you can walk home." This to a four-year-old, miles from home. Or, "Okay, that's it -- we're getting rid of the TV!" Or the most common one, "If you don't pick up these toys, I will, and I'll throw them in the garbage!"
Sound familiar? A favorite from my personal empty-threat library is: "I'm going to turn this car around right now and we won't see your friends today!" I mean really. Like I'm going to barrel through excruciating city traffic twice on one weekend day in the name of honest parenting. Even my four-year-old knows that's not going to happen.
And on the other side, sometimes I fear making an empty threat so much that I follow through on something totally stupid, just so I won't have made an empty threat. That makes me feel like an even worse parent.
How bad are empty threats? To find out I called a How Bad? Parental Advisor, Robert Schachter, a New York City-based psychologist and faculty member of Mount Sinai School of Medicine.
"It's not a question of good or bad, it's a question of will it work or not?" Well, will it? Or, rather (since we know it won't work) when will the empty threats stop working? Pretty fast, says Dr. Schachter. But what if a child won't pick up her toys and you are tired of being her maid? And you've already done the empty-threat thing a few times so now she knows you won't actually throw out the toys? Just speaking hypothetically -- is there hope? Yes! It turns out you can recover from chronic empty-threatening.
Try some new moves, says Dr. Schachter, who establishes that for his advice to work, we are pre-supposing that the little girl in question, "is normally cooperative, obedient and of sweet disposition, and not constantly irritable, throwing temper tantrums or being oppositional." Assuming all of that (and you can, can't you?), "The object is to help her feel competent and good about herself," Schachter says. Try this:
Make it a game. Four-year-olds like to be engaged. Help her pick up and make it a race or a game like "Now let's pick up everything pink!" Or sing a clean-up song which conditions her to start cleaning up when you start singing it. If she cooperates a few times with you, she will most likely learn to clean up by herself.
Time her. Use a stopwatch to see "how fast" she can put the toys away. If she beats yesterday's time, she gets a treat. If she doesn't beat yesterday's time, she can still get a runner up treat for trying.
Don't fight, finesse. "Don't make this about a power struggle," says Dr. Schachter, "it is about distraction and deceit... I mean finesse."
So what about the threats? How bad are they? "Keep in mind that the research shows that positive reinforcement works better than negative," Dr. Schachter says. "Remember that you love your child and that the object is to get her or him to pick up toys, not to experience a trauma." Good point.
"So if you do still threaten," Dr. Schachter continues, "Pick consequences that fit the crime, and the consequence should occur within a short time frame of the offense. If the kid doesn't pick up toys at 2:00 PM, don't refuse to give dessert at 6:00 PM. You can set limits, but do so with a clear structure and purpose in mind. For example, if she is watching TV instead of cleaning up, cheerily turn off the TV and say, "Come on, let's get your toys put away and we'll get that TV right back on. Come on, Mommy will help. Hurry, hurry the program is about to start." After she puts them away, make a big deal about how grown-up and wonderful she is."
Do you make empty threats? Comment below or write PrincessLvsPink@Gmail.com with your own How Bad? question and it might get answered here.
Sabrina Weill is editor-in-chief of PrincessLovesPink.com.
YourVoice
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
The Effects of Threats on Children
Su Laurent brings us handy hints and tips to make life easier, such as the effect of threats on children.
-
How to Navigate Entertainment Choices for Kids
Children today spend hours watching television, movies and videos; listening to the radio and CDs; playing video and computer games; and surfing the Internet. While these media primarily provide entertainment, they are also a source of information and tea
-
Should You Let Your Children Go Play Outside Alone
Parents are faced will all sorts of dilemmas when it comes to raising their children. One topic that is the subject of a big debate is whether or not kids should be allowed to play outside on their own away from mom and dad. Daddy Clay tackles this important parenting subject in this episode of Quality Time. Is this a good way to teach your kid independence? How do other parents feel? How real is the threat of abduction? What are the most dangerous situations for a child?
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-30-2009 @ 10:35AM
Mary Sullivan said...Okay, the doc's right about positive being better, but some of his advice seems kinda wimpy. What are his parameters for a "traumatic" consequence? Trashing all their toys because they wouldn't turn off a gameboy, sure. Turning off the TV for the rest of the day--not just a minute--if they repeatedly ignore a request to clean up? Totally appropriate. His approach seems geared toward kids about 2-3 yrs. old. "We'll get that TV right back on" is pretty lame if you're dealing with an 8-, 10-, 12-y.o. who is blowing you off.
Empty threats are a pet peeve. I try hard not to threaten a consequence I know I won't follow through on. This is a source of some tension with my husband, who will say stuff like "I don't think you can go to [grandparents' house....long planned visit there's almost no chance we would cancel, except for emergency] if you keep acting like this." This yields an evil eye from me every time.
I've definitely slipped up sometimes, esp. re. giving their toys to Goodwill. For what it's worth, my friend's sister actually did this with a bunch of her kids' stuff and claims she never again had trouble getting them to clean up. With my kids too, it seems to take just once with a dramatic follow-through. Positive reinforcement does work well when done right, but sometimes it's not enough.
Empty promises are the flipside of empty threats, and I avoid those like the plague, too.
Mary
http://www.squidoo.com/greatfamilymovies
Reply
4-30-2009 @ 11:13AM
LS said...Um.... a "runner up treat" if she doesn't accomplish the task set forth? (In this case, picking up the toys within the time allowed) WHAT???
Ok, so let's see, you have a wicked smart kid, like most of them are. She picks up her stuff quickly the first time, gets treat. Second time, picks it up, but is pokey about it, and *just* slides under the time limit... gets a treat, because yeah, she finished in time. Third time, she pokes and pokes, doesn't beat the clock, but STILL gets the treat, as a "runner up". I'm not even LOOKING at this kid, and I can see her making the connections. "Hmmm... Mommy will give me a treat no matter what, so I can just play with the toys she points at. YAY!! COOKIE!!"
I'm sorry, no.
Task + parameters + effort = reward.
Task + parameters + NO effort = NO REWARD. PERIOD.
and I get how easy it is to make a threat in the heat of the moment and then not follow through. But honestly, people, are we just empty vessels, void of any thought or common sense at ALL? If you KNOW you're not going to cancel that trip to Grandma's house, then don't threaten. Maybe, though, you could threaten that there will be no DVD player on the way to Grandma's house. All it takes is for the parent to be a little bit present in the situation, and keeping your cool, not falling into the trap of arguing with a kid.
Which, I know first-hand, is a hard thing to do.
Reply
7-26-2009 @ 3:10AM
Samantha said...LS, I love your ideas!!! The PB is something will go in to effect in my house as of tomorrow. My son is 3 and acts like a 5 yr old. I know every parent thinks their child is a podigy....lol Anyway, I see this solving some problems and then causing more tantrums. I can deal though.
And as for the comment on the treat for just trying...right on!!!! I don't think so. Children these days think everything should be handed to them and that they should get rewarded for just trying something. I don't think so. Like every child recieving a trophy just for playing on the team no matter if their team won or lost. I don't think so. That is not setting the example I want to set. There is a reward for trying something new whether he liked it or not, he at least tried it. Then their are the rewards that are earned. He is rewarded for doing things that are asked of him, and doing them, and double rewarded (Like two cookies instead on one) if he does them in a timely manner. I do not reward bad behavior. EVER!!!! All the runner up treat does is teach them that no matter what they do, they get a treat. It will only take days for that kid to figure out that no matter how long it takes, he will still get a treat. Playing with the toys, goofing off, or just not picking them up when mommy or daddy tells them to and taking their sweet little time about it is just saying, "yeah I will pick them up, but when I want to, not when you tell me to.......and I will still get that runner up treat!" I don't think so. Pick them up when I tell you to, because I am the mom and you are the child. You will respect me when I talk to you and listen to what I say. Then you will get a treat for being a good child and doing what you were told to do the first time....not the hundredth. Off course we all know he doesn't get the treat every time, because normally I have to tell him several times....lol
4-30-2009 @ 11:14AM
SKL said...I feel that empty threats are unfair to the child, because you're basically teaching her that you "won't" follow through. Then when you make a threat you "will" follow through on, she is blindsided. Teach her that you mean what you say. You are entitled to change your mind, but then have a logical reason why you are not following through, so it doesn't become a generalized learning.
I rarely make empty threats (at least not ones the girls can understand . . . some I mutter to myself . . . ). I recall one time when I got really angry over something and declared that I was going to do X. Upon cooling down a little, I had to admit that X was not an appropriate response. So I said, "I got so angry that I overreacted. I am not going to do X. I am going to do Y instead." But normally I think before I threaten, and I follow through if the threat doesn't deter.
As far as "trauma" goes, that sounds great, but in real life, kutchy-koo only takes you so far. Anyone wonder why you keep hearing "three is the new two"? Hmm. Disciplining a young child is hard work and a serious responsibility. It's not fun for anyone, as I often point out to my kids, but avoiding it can only make things worse.
Reply
4-30-2009 @ 11:31AM
LS said...Oh, and I've come up with a viable alternative for the "I'm THROWING your toys away!!!" threat. Keep in mind that my kid is 5.
I have, in the middle of my living room (ok, it's on the side of the room against a wall), a printer-paper sized box (the one that you can get from most offices, that holds, what, 10 reams of paper?). Attached to that box, is a sign that says, "PENALTY BOX'.
The parameters are these:
1. If you are asked to do something, and you ignore me to continue playing with a toy, that toy goes into the Penalty Box.
2. There is a list of toys, that he helped to make. This is the order in which the toys disappear into the PB if other behaviors are not proper. For example, if he comes home from school with a behavior mark, the first toy on the list goes into the Box. If he mouths off to me, toy 2 goes into the box.
3. Unless otherwise specified, all PB Quarantines expire at midnight, so the next morning, he is free to retrieve the toys.
This way, I don't have to make empty threats.
And when I DO make outlandish threats? He knows that I mean them. He nearly went to school in his PJ's today, because he was being so pokey in getting dressed.
Reply
5-01-2009 @ 4:26PM
peanuts said...>>> "Don't make this about a power struggle," says Dr. Schachter
How is it not about a power struggle. The child wishes to exert their preference by being contrary, simply because they are learning the boundaries of behaviour. The parent must demonstrate there are boundaries and should lead the child to sociable, and otherwise acceptable, behaviour.
This is by definition a power struggle.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't threatened something but I'm willing to miss out on treats too so my kid will learn that in our family their are negative consequences to bad behaviour. I do let my 3 year old know that I'll be sad too if we miss out on going to the park or whatever.
Reply
5-20-2009 @ 11:31PM
sarah said...hi i agree with the previouse comments,
im 17 and my dad and step mum make empty threats to my younger siblings (4 and 6) even though they are small i see their behavior is getting worse and there is increased crying and yelling in the house. when i see my folks doing this i quietly point it out and they mouth off at me and yet they cant understand why the kids miss-behave. Im not sure what to do anymore , please help...
Reply
5-25-2009 @ 9:23PM
damoki said...Sarah,
I hope you are still reading these... You are in a unique yet unfortunate position. You see the problem yet are not easily able affect change because of your limited impact on your parents and the limited time you have anyway.
Your best bet is to simply set a good example for your relatives, both parents and kids. Parents who believe their way is adequate in the face of lots of evidence to the contrary, are stuck in the morass of ignorance afflicting so many, even when well intended.
Then there is the idea that you turned out OK in the same family, so possibly your fears may not be a justified as you believe.
However, if you would like the name of a very good book on the whole "raising kids" thing, you might get one titled, "Getting out of your Kids Faces and Into their Hearts", by Valerie Bell (may be out of print... try ebay or Amazon). I have read many books on raising kids and this is one of the best.
No matter what you decide to do, remember the best teacher of behavior is a person's on actions and consequences, and that yelling and telling, though it may make you feel good for a moment, seldom works well in the long run because 'preaching ain't teaching'. Good luck... or you can make your own.
Damoki
7-15-2009 @ 7:57PM
Glenn said...Some of the advice Dr.Schachter is valid for kids under four or five but why he doesn't he say outright that empty threats are VERY BAD is beyond my understanding.
NO ONE SHOULD MAKE EMPTY THREATS, EVER!! "I'm going to give all your toys away to goodwill!" or "We're getting rid of the TV!" are just ridiculous comments. (Why not say, "you're not using that Wii for the rest of the week" and "No TV for the rest of the day!"?) Schachter did state that empty threats won't work for very long and he's right. Seems kind of wimpy of him not to say EMPTY THREATS = BAD!
If ever a parent makes a threat, that threat needs to be followed through. PERIOD! My son knows I mean it when I tell him, "Okay, no more television today," and he won't even try to turn it on. Same with toys or foods or doing things that he is looking forward to doing. I always give him a warning or two and tell him exactly what will be the consequence of his actions then if he doesn't stop, I will lower the boom. He'll whine about it LOUDLY but once he calms down he understands that the punishment is there and accepts it. It's important that you warn your child that a consequence is coming and to ALWAYS follow through. Otherwise, you're just lying to your child (that's right, LYING) and not only will your child stop believing that you will punish them but they won't believe you in other things you say as well.
Just a note, when I punish my son by not allowing the TV on, I'm punishing myself as well because I can't watch either. When I tell him he can't play with his DS, I will sometimes read to him or draw with him instead. So when you pick a punishment realize that there will be consequences for YOU as a parent as well.
Reply
2-22-2011 @ 6:40PM
brina8106 said...I was the QUEEN of empty threats although they never did work for my children. Finally I got fed up with yelling, making threats that didn't work, and just being plain stressed because they would not listen. My son has those huge building blocks that I'm always stepping on in the middle of the night and my daughter leaves her stuff EVERYWHERE. I didn't say a word to them. The morning after they went to school I boxed up all of their toys and put them in storage. They were to say the least mad and I explained to them I've told them a million times to pick them up and they would not so I put them away and until they started listening to me and behaving they were not getting any of their stuff back. I know it seems kind of harsh but it was the only thing that worked for a little while. They just didn't play with their toys anymore so I had nothing I could take away from them. Then they started playing the computer games and the Wii. When they act up I lock them out of the computer and hide the Wii.Its a temporary fix but it works.
Reply