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Do You Feel Your Babysitter Judges You?
Filed under: Baby-sitting
Housekeeping was never my strong suit, and with two kids and working from home, the house is one handful of Cheerios away from being condemned by the public health department. That's why I expect my babysitter to do some light housekeeping.
You know, empty and load the dishwasher, fold the laundry if it's all over the couch (which it usually is), tidy up the toys when the baby goes down for a nap. I'm lucky to have a great babysitter I trust with my kids, and she does all those things for me. Last week I came home to find my daughter's bed made, all nice and neat, and I almost swooned with gratitude.
So why do I always feel like such a jerk when I leave a mess in the kitchen when she shows up in the morning? Why do I rush around and hide the pan I made nachos in at 9 p.m. the night before, and was too tired to clean before bed? Why do I feel like she goes home and tells her Ugg-wearing roommates that she works for a big fat piggy? A piggy who lets her kids eat lollipops at 9 a.m.?
Turns out I'm not alone. Plenty of moms feel like their sitters look askance at the dirty dishes in the sink, not to mention their parenting practices. Just what is it about these lovely caregivers that makes us feel us feel so defensive?
"I think, as women, we all judge each other, and if I walked into someone's nasty house twice a week, I'd be looking for another job," says Andrea Rizk, an Atlanta mom of two. "My twice-a-month sitter is an epidemiologist. She babysits to pay off her student loans. I mean, she has more degrees than I do, and she deals with germs for a living. How the heck can she look around my house at the dust and the dirt and not judge me?"
Rizk, who admits that she has a touch of obsessive-compulsive disorder, adds that "deep down, we know we are being judged." But in her case, responding to that implied judgment by cleaning up for her sitter, company and even her cleaning woman makes her feel better.
"Even with two young kids, a business to run, and a house to manage, I find the time to make sure that my house looks semi-clean," she says. "If not, I apologize to them like I just ran over their dog. And, I am not a bit sorry for this. It makes me feel good -- confirms that I am a total nut job, but makes me feel like I did something to make someone's day better."
Jenny Cheifetz, 33, is a mom of two kids under four, and also runs her own small business, The Sugar Mommy. She has every excuse for being too busy to catch every dust bunny, but she still feels sheepish when the sitter shows up.
"I am always embarrassed in front of babysitters for what I think is a messy, disorganized house, with toys all over the place and dishes in the sink. I know it's really not that bad, but it's not the way I want my house seen," she says. "I'm also embarrassed by my behavior as a mother sometimes."
It wasn't so long ago that I was a nanny myself. In college, I earned spending money as a part-time nanny for a family with five kids, ages 2 through 11. Half the time, the mom was in the house when I was working; she needed as many extra hands on deck as possible.
This was a wealthy family, with a tony Boston brownstone -- and every surface of that home was covered in laundry, dirt and spilled milk. I cleaned up plenty of messes and witnessed lots of mommy-meltdowns, and never once did I judge that poor, harried woman. Maybe we need to give our trusted babysitters a little more credit. They love our kids, they save our sanity, and while we may feel like they are judging us, maybe we are really judging ourselves.
Do you feel like your babysitter judges your housekeeping and parenting skills?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
5-01-2009 @ 3:06PM
Amy said...When I was a kid, my mom was a single mother of three. She got very little help from my dad, but he did pay his support checks. Anyway, one night my brother snuck out of bed and heard the babysitter talking on the phone to her mom about how filthy our house was - she said the couch was covered in dog hair, and everything was sticky. She said she didn't even want to sit down.
What made it even more lovely was that I had her mom as a teacher years later, when I was in high school. Neither of us had forgotten the incident. It was the last time that sitter watched us (because of course my brother told my mom).
I can't help but hope that she's a single mother of three, herself, now, and that her house is hairy and sticky. I know it's petty, but to hell with her for judging my mom - who did her best in a really tough situation!
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5-01-2009 @ 3:37PM
J.R. said...As a fifteen-year-old who babysits, I can honestly say that I have never judged a parent if their house was less than immaculate. I don't have kids, but hey - I have younger siblings, and I understand completely that life is hectic with kids around. So who cares if there are a few dishes in the sink or clothes piled on the couch?
As for doing the light housekeeping: I try to help out by tidying up as much as I can. I make sure to leave the house in the best condition I can, and if the kids are napping then it's no issue for me to do some extra dishes or sweep the kitchen. I don't know. I just like to make sure the parents come home to a tidy house.
Just my 0.02, though. :)
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5-01-2009 @ 4:20PM
SKL said...My nanny and I disagree on things like this. I find myself telling her: germs are your friends! Dust is your friend!
I don't ask her to do a lot of cleaning. It's her job to do one load of laundry per week, clean after the one meal and one snack the kids eat during her shift, and any other mess they make (they aren't very messy as kids go). Of her own volition, to kill time during the kids' naps, she does some additional light cleaning. Occasionally, she will point out to me that she's used up a cleaining product that I haven't used for years. I prefer to clean with plain water and washable cloth for the most part.
The other day she told me that if I don't replenish the kitchen cleaning product she's used up, I will have mold growing up my walls in the kitchen. I just laughed. I never had mold growing on my walls in the 41 years before I met my nanny. As long as you clean reasonably often with water, clean up grease immediately with a grease cutter, and not let things sit around wet or dirty for too long, you won't have big problems.
If someone started trying to remove every particle of dirt, dust, and hair from my house on a daily basis, I'd ask them to stop, and they could leave if they didn't like it. It's healthy for kids to have these things in their environment - unless they are born with an immune deficiency. And yes, I let my kids eat off the floor and without washing their hands. They are very healthy.
All that said, I was a babysitter as a teen, and there were some homes that went too far. We're talking gooey couches and carpets, and animal waste in the house. I am sorry, that is gross. But usually I was happy to see a little dirt because it made me feel more human (my mom wasn't Martha Stewart either).
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5-01-2009 @ 11:00PM
Maureen said...I am a freak about this. I don't have a regular babysitter because we have lots of family nearby -- but if anyone is coming by to watch the kids or even if other kids are coming for a playdate, I totally freak. Windows must be cleaned, surfaces dusted, sinks wiped down, beds made....
I came from a family with 7 kids and our house was almost never tidy. It wasn't dirty, but my mother couldn't in a million years keep up with the mess us kids could make. I remember feeling bad about the way the house looked as a kid. Maybe that is where my freakish-ness comes in. My mom is the best and she worked her butt off taking care of us, but there just aren't enough hours in the day. I wish I could just have someone over and not look at a stack of papers that needs to be taken out and wonder what the person thinks of my clutter.
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5-02-2009 @ 7:13AM
J. said...As a former nanny of the world's messiest people, I can say that - YES, we judge you!
No, I don't want to clean piles of MOLDY dishes in the sink from the weekend!
No, I don't like stepping on glass shards!
No, I don't like inadvertently stepping in your child's throw-up from the night before that you did NOT clean up!
No, I don't like having to search through moving boxes from a YEAR ago to find something! Unpack your stuff!
No, I don't like folding your husband's underwear!
No, I don't like being asked to stay four extra hours after you leave on vacay to clean your entire house!
If I wanted to be a housekeeper, I would've interviewed for THAT job. I am a highly-trained childcare professional, I'm sorry. You are wasting us, our talents, and YOUR money at the larger expense of your child if you ask us to do much other than that.
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5-02-2009 @ 9:14AM
Sabrina said...I have never EVER expected anyone whose job was to watch my kids to do any cleaning that didn't directly involve a mess my children made while being cared for by that person. If they spill juice or food while I am out and you are feeding them, YES I expect you to clean that up, even if it means sweeping the floor. I expect you to put their dishes in the sink from that meal, but not wash them (although it's really nice when you do!), I expect you to change the dirty diaper and put it in the diaper pail. I expect you to put super nasty clothes in the hamper or in the bathtub if they need rinsed out. I expect you to wipe up the pee dribble from my potty trained kid and make sure she flushed. If they're being bathed, I expect you to empty the tub, put away the toys, wipe up the gallons of water on the floor andhang up the towel. I expect you to oversee my children cleaning up their own toys.
I don't expect you to mop the floors, vacuum, fold my laundry (really, PLEASE don't touch my laundry, ever), or wash my dishes. I do not expect you to take out the garbage, dust, or anything else.
You are in my home to take care of my kids, and that sometimes means taking care of their messes. That's part of the job. My messes are part of MY job.
I do, however, appreciate and pay extra to anyone who takes on anything extra.
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5-02-2009 @ 2:24PM
J.R. said...I don't mess with laundry, for the record. Dishes are one thing. Folding the laundry seems almost like an invasion of privacy to me. I just don't do it - feels weird.
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5-02-2009 @ 3:11PM
SKL said...I agree, that's too personal. My nanny does my tots' laundry, but I won't let her even see mine, even though she has offered many times to do it for me. Why do I want someone touching or looking at my underwear?
When I was a summertime nanny at 15, the kids' mom went out of state for a couple of weeks and I was asked to do the laundry during that time. I didn't mind it, but I felt like I was intruding into their private life. This is OK for an emergency - or if you're talking about folding the towels or washing little kids' stuff - but not personal items of a mature / maturing person.
5-02-2009 @ 8:59PM
TaiDollWave said...When I babysit, I'm more than happy to clean up messes the kids make/I make. I.E. I made some supper, so I wash the pots and pans that I use, wipe the crumbs off the table, wipe off the stove, wash the dishes and make sure any leftover food is put away. Or pick up the toys, DVDs and cases, books scattered on the floor from the good night story, whatever. This is fine. This is part of my job.
It is NOT however, my job to make sure your floor got swept, your kids laundry is folded and put away (barring dirty clothes in the hamper), your dog is combed, your windows got wiped down, or any of the other billion things parents are shocked when I say I don't do.... unless they pay me extra. Sorry, I'm in college, and when your kid goes to bed, I sit and study, I don't turn into a maid.
I don't judge someone if they have some dust bunnies or clutter on the floor. It's cool, I know it must be tough to raise kids. But when you request my services to sit your kid, I'm sitting your kid. I'm not your Molly Maid.
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5-03-2009 @ 6:09PM
LS said...Hey, J.R.... Moms (ok, parents) LOVE young ladies like you!!! Most reasonable parents do not expect their babysitters to do tidying up, etc., beyond their already defined instructions. For you to do it, just to help out, is a very sweet, and much appreciated, gesture.
I have a gem of a babysitter who is a lot like you. She started out as "just" a sitter, and is now referred to as my "adopted sister". She's been with us for almost 5 years, and saw us through a massive family disaster - and was insulted when I offered to pay her for the time she spent during that horrid time.
Babysitters like you and her are few and far between - I hope that you are appreciated for the gem that you are.
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5-03-2009 @ 8:01PM
ame s said...I doubt I could manage to give a flying flip if the babysitter,nanny, or cleaning lady was judging me. Hello? This is the babysitter, nanny or cleaning lady. I can evidently afford to pay said babysitter, nanny or cleaning lady and this person is a babysitter, nanny, or cleaning lady. They are in no position to judge the people paying them.
I don't ask the babysitter to clean and I don't ask the housekeeper to watch my children. If either has a problem with being in my home, they are more than welcome to work elsewhere.
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5-05-2009 @ 11:47AM
April said...You must be a real gem to work for... nannies, babysitters, and cleaning ladies are NOT 2nd CLASS CITIZENS.
5-04-2009 @ 12:17PM
bromac said...Who cares what a babysitter thinks of you. Really. And if they want to do some cleaning, that deal should be arranged ahead of time and extra money added.
As far as J's comments.....if you don't like it, go work somewhere else. It isn't right for you to judge someone when you have absolutely no idea what their life is like. Are you a parent? If not, then you have no right to assume you have any clue as to what it is like to work full time, care for a child, and keep a house clean.
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5-04-2009 @ 1:03PM
Mary Sullivan said...Well, there's messy and then there's board-of-health level crud, which is what J describes. A bsitter (or a kid) shouldn't have to step on glass shards or last night's throw-up, no matter how busy or stressed the family is.
Having said that, I'm not super impressed if I come home from an evening out and find toys strewn everywhere and dirty dishes piled on the counter--the result of activity that happened while I was gone. It won't disqualify a bsitter who's great with the kids, but it sure makes me appreciate those who clean as they go.
I hate cleaning and do worry about getting judged, especially where we live--everyone else seems to have a cleaning service and constantly spotless house. Like my neighbor said after doing the community "housewalk" tour--I don't envy the big houses so much, but I do envy how clean they are.
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