Hired Help - How Much is Too Much?

by Rachel Campos-Duffy (Subscribe to Rachel Campos-Duffy's posts) May 5th 2009 4:00PM

Categories: Life & Style, Childcare, Birthdays

One of my closest friends lives in Dubai, the Middle East city famous for being a playground for the rich and famous. On any given weekend, America's A-list stars and athletes can be found partying on the man-made palm-shaped islands for which Dubai is renowned. What non-residents might not know is that Dubai's thriving economy is largely fueled by an enormous influx of cheap labor from countries such as India, Bangladesh, and the Philippines, and the presence of these immigrants has significant implications for the family life of its residents – including the families of the many American and European expats who work in Dubai.

Let me explain: At a recent children's birthday party my friend attended with her three year-old daughter, she was the only mom who didn't come with her housekeeper/nanny in tow. As she described it, the hired help sat with the children at the "children's table," where they coaxed their little charges to eat, cleaned up their spills, chased after them, and transitioned them from birthday cake to magician show while the moms (some dressed in heels and glittery nightclub attire – but that's another topic!) socialized and noshed on adult fare and cocktails. According to my friend this was not a unique situation; in Dubai, hired help commonly accompany moms wherever they and their children go.

I have to admit that on the day she told me this story I was rather intrigued, if not envious. I had just had one of those really hard mommy weeks – you know, sick kids, long waits at the doctor's office, unwashed hair, and very, very distant memories of my last adult social outing. The thought of a responsibility-free party accompanied by a full-time "wife," frankly, sounded delightful.

As my friend wisely noted, the truth is that it is culturally unacceptable for American moms, even those who can afford full-time help, to outsource the quintessential stuff of childhood, like birthday parties. For the most part, we just don't feel comfortable letting someone else handle these things for us. In Dubai, however, decades of easy access to cheap labor have made it socially acceptable for moms to eschew the messy and tedious details of parenting. Both my friend and I wondered whether American standards would change if hired help were as affordable and ubiquitous here as it is in Dubai. After all, my friend has witnessed first-hand how quickly many middle class American expats become acclimated to the lifestyle.

The more important question, of course, is this: How does all this extra help affect the parent-child relationship? One consequence my friend attests to is the "bratty" nature of the children she sees who are almost exclusively parented by nannies or housekeepers. Personally, I am all for moms getting extra help if they need it (I hire someone to help me with household chores). But too much help, especially with child-care, can become a crutch, preventing us from really getting to know our kids and enjoying their fleeting childhoods -- including boisterous birthday parties with overly stimulated, sugar-high preschoolers. As my sage mother often reminds me often, believe me, you're gonna miss this!

Comments (12)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Herbal Remedies 5-05-2009 @ 6:10PM

Psychology has always supported the close relationship between the families to the community at parties and social qualities generated by strengthening parent - children would say this is not necessarily closer or further away it is important to generate more interaction ...

Mary Sullivan 5-05-2009 @ 6:53PM

Uh....no thanks! The whole thing of sitting with a kid the entire time, wiping his or her little chin, helping him eat his cake, escorting him over to next room for the magician....whether the mom or a nanny does it, after about age 2 it's just goofy, and bound to mess the kid up. I admit I'm overprotective about a lot of things, but sheesh...some folks would use the toilet for their children if they could. Anyone who "acclimates" to this lifestyle never had a middle-class soul in the first place. Flame away--I have no problem being a judgmental b***** on this one ;)

Special needs kids who have trouble with parties--different story; give them all the help they need to participate. Typical kids--no.

Mary
http://www.squidoo.com/fiveminutebrownie

ame s 5-05-2009 @ 8:59PM

I doubt the women who came to the party with nanny/housekeeper in tow has ever had "one of those really hard mommy weeks" or has ever changed a diaper.
I wonder who is caring for nanny/housekeeper's children while they are off caring for the child brats of adult bitches. My guess would be elderly female relatives too old to be considered a good enough employee my Rich Mrs. Thang or an older sibling.
I'm sure it is very taxing to go through weekly mani/pedis, facials, massages, laser hair removal, wash & style, but someone has to do it.
I'll just keep suffering through raising my own children and will somehow deal with the fact that they will love me when they grow up instead of hating the sight of my face. Rock on, spoiled moms of Dubai and anywhere else in the world!

Sifrina 5-05-2009 @ 10:21PM

I totally agree on the crutch theory - I always say that I'm lucky I couldn't afford a live in baby nurse/nanny here in the US or I think I would have deferred too much. It seems so enticing to "delegate" certain undesirable duties, but I think ultimately it was good for me (and my husband) to do this without nighttime help (even as 2 full time working parents). Also, I really needed to develop my confidence as a new mother - by doing things like cutting his tiny fingernails and toenails every week of his life while he slept peacefully (even today at age 7!) - it really made me feel like I could do anything and is something I'd never delegate, even if I had the help!

In your case, as a mother of 5, I think you just need a well deserved break - at the very least a 1/2 day at the spa/salon, not necesssarily the Dubai lifestyle!

Katty 5-05-2009 @ 10:32PM

There's this little boy in my son's Pre K class whose family has several nannies on staff. The nannies bring him to school, to birthday parties and even at his own party take complete care of him with his parents standing to the side just observing. The child has a speech issue (he's 6), is repeating Pre K because he's absent so much and has trouble making friends. All the moms feel sorry for him because of the lack of parental involvement in his life.

I think anything to the extreme is bad, but I have no problem with someone wanting live in help, I am from Latin America and there are a lot of my baby pictures of me sitting on my nanny's lap. If I could afford full time help I would totally do it, but not as a crutch, just as a second set of hands, especially since my son has events at school that I would like to attend sans his sister and I can't so in those situations it would be nice. Just because you have a nanny doesn't mean they get to raise your kids, it all depends on the parents.

SKL 5-05-2009 @ 11:07PM

I am not going to judge this because I don't see the whole picture. I haven't been to Dubai, but it's in a part of the world that is generally not as developed as the US. Compared to the US and a few other countries, it is a lot more work to care for kids in the rest of the world. Take laundry for example. Even the rich people in many countries don't have a washer and dryer - because even if they can afford several years' average local salary to buy them, their homes are not wired / plumbed for it - or they have no idea how to use it, because it's not the norm. So the clothes get washed by hand in what we'd consider a very primitive way. Now if you're rich, you don't just have a few articles of clothing to wash, dry and iron. So obviously you will hire someone to do that. Same goes with cooking, cleaning, etc. As far as kids go, the cost of disposable convenience products that Americans take for granted are so high, even the rich would only use them to show off. As for letting tots learn to eat on their own - all that wasted food and clothing in a place where children on the other side of the wall are starving? How about shepherding them from room to room - well, are your floors made of stone / concrete? Homes aren't designed for child safety everywhere outside the US. Further, what else is the nanny supposed to do while the kids are at a birthday party? Many of them are probably live-in help and are being paid for the time; this is actually a kindness and it's socially unacceptable in many places not to hire help if you can afford it, because such a decision is insensitive to the needs of the unemployed poor. Finally, in that culture, a child's birthday party may be one of the few opportunities married women have to freely socialize; so what is so awful in their having an adult conversation instead of wiping their kids' noses the whole time? We just can't compare what they do over there to what we do here.

And the fact of having a nanny present doesn't mean the mom isn't involved with the kids, particularly in the important stuff like education, understanding relationships, etc.

Personally, I go out of my way to avoid taking my nanny along on outings with my kids. Meaning I will schedule them for times when the nanny is off duty. Nanny would love to be more involved, but her style rubs me the wrong way - and I crave time with just me and the kids.

Mary Sullivan 5-06-2009 @ 4:14PM

lol...are we talking about the same Dubai?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Economy_of_the_United_Arab_Emirates

It's one of the world's most developed countries. Your description is closer to the countries that serve as "cheap labor" (per the original article) sources for Dubai, not Dubai itself.

queenoqueens 5-05-2009 @ 11:53PM

Interesting.

Doesn't the bad stuff bond you and your child together too?

I wonder how my relationship with my child would be if all I ever experienced was the good?

hope 5-06-2009 @ 3:02AM

This has "The Nanny Diaries" written all over it ;)

bromac 5-06-2009 @ 9:13AM

I will agree with SKL in that we should try not to judge someone in an etirely different culture.

However, it is something that I have a very difficult time understanding. Last year I entered my older brother in a Best Father type of contest that the local NFL team was conducting (my niece has special needs and he is unbelievably committed to her; it is so inspiring). He was one of the finalists so we got to visit the team "office" bulding. One of the two football players hosting/conducting this event had two children with him. Also present was his wife and, additionally, a nanny. I was so perplexed as to why a nanny was needed when both parents were with the two children. It was obvious, from limited interaction, that the parents cared deeply for their children... but I guess they didn't want to do the dirty work?? I'm not entirely sure if that was the issue or whether it is just a sign of status among the rich to have a live-in nanny.

All I do know is that I enjy caring for my daughter. Yes, I send her off with daddy or to grandma's house when I need a break from three-year-old-antics, but I very much love providing her with the necessities: food, bath, bedtime story, trips to park or other outings. It is difficult for me to understand why a parent would want to give up these opportunities, but I am not rich and so I don't fully understand A LOT of aspects of their culture.

Jenny 5-06-2009 @ 3:21PM

You guys obviously are full time brat wives of expat CEOs with a job in dubai he has never dreamt of in your own country!!! obviously you have plenty of time on your hands to criticize full time working mothers who are actually here to make a decent living and provide a secure future for their children and NEED hired help to survive.
Looking at your culture & what happens in your world, you sacrifice your time for your children only while they're young and when your child turns 16 or 18 you treat them like they are strangers & throw them out of your houses!!!!! HOW HEROIC & NOBLE IS THAT????and then you DARE criticize and call other children spoilt brats???

Glorious 5-07-2009 @ 2:02PM

Jenny, your comment doesn't make sense. Who is throwing kids out of the house when they are 16 or 18? Do you mean when they go off to college? WTF are you talking about?