The underlying motive is the important thing. We have to choose words that build character, not cop-outs, as much as possible. Kids are too smart and we'll lose credibility pretty quickly if we play games with them.

"The truth" is a loaded term when it comes to kids, because their understanding is so limited. My 2-year-old will tell you that when a person or animal is dead, he/she will "never wake up again." That's about it. When grandpa's dog dies (my daughter's favorite), I'll tell her he died and see how she reacts, then talk about it as much as she wants to. I don't plan on lying, but I won't be going into whether or not there's a dog heaven or how bodies decompose or whether he needed to be euthanized, unless she specifically asks. If she's smart enough to ask those questions, she deserves an answer.

I can't think of an example where I've lied to avoid a meltdown or whatever. Mostly I find myself simplifying things so the girls' logic leads them to the same conclusion. But I am not afraid of disappointing my kids. Today my daughter kept saying "I want __," and after "you don't need __ to do X" didn't appease her, I replied with "I want a million dollars. I want sunshine every day. Nobody gets everything they want."

Now as for Santa, I believe in him every bit as much as I believe that mothers are always be patient and kind, and I intend to share that "truth" with them, again until they are old enough to ask the right questions.

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Well, the MomLogic article alludes to Santa, and I guess my spouse and I are big liars, because we've done Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy for years. I consider it a parent's right to "lie" about these things--a longstanding, more or less harmless tradition passed from each generation of parents to the next. I did have a friend whose parents who so pro-honesty that they never did any of these things.

I wouldn't do the seatbelt type lie, but I'm sure I've done some other small ones to spare myself from a big harangue by my more argumentative kid. I try not to do it too much.

Re. the death of a pet, when it happened to us, I told my kids the pet had died, like the doctor recommends. They were 9, 9, and 11 at the time, but I think I still would have done that had they been younger. I was upset when I told them, and our whole family was able to be upset together, talk about how our pet's spirit will always be with us...etc.

The "bedroom noises" situation? Yes, absolutely, say as little as possible. It's none of the kids' business.

regards,
Mary
http://www.squidoo.com/momwear

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I don't think that many "lies" are lies, so much as edited versions of the truth.

A lot of kids understand the concept of "going to Heaven" when we die. So saying that Fluffy "went to Heaven" is softening the harsher words of "Fluffy died". It's skirting the truth, but it's not telling the cold, hard facts. I will often use that type of verbage when I have to tell Little Man something that might upset him... and right now, I'm gearing up for the "Fluffy Died" conversation, since our cat is old and very sick. It's coming, and I'm not looking forward to it.

Most of the time, though, it's just the facts in our house. "Can I have another cookie?" "No." What were you and Daddy doing? Sorry, honey, some things between adults are private. And for the record, our car *doesn't* go, unless seat belts are buckled. I don't allow it to move, therefore it doesn't go.

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I forgot to say: lies I **hate** :

When a well-meaning doctor or nurse tells my kid that a procedure "won't hurt; I promise" or "you won't throw up; I promise" (this was when one of my kids had to drink a barium shake, after he'd already been vomiting). Tell them yes, the shot will probably hurt a little, but it will be over with fast. Yes, they might throw up from the shake, but probably just once, and the doctor needs to figure out how to help them feel better.

I know these folks work very hard and totally respect that. With my guys, things just go so much more smoothly when we're upfront. My anxious kid likes us to estimate a percentage: what are the chances I'll throw up? etc. It's kind of goofy, but for some reason it helps him manage the situation.

Mary

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When we had our 13yo lab euthanized in February, we told our daughter that he went to be with the other old dogs where he could run and bark and have fun that he couldn't have here with us anymore. I felt ok with this. I hadn't broached the death issue and wasn't ready to.

However, not long after, a friend from her school experienced the death of her grandmother and they discussed it as a class (i was a bit perturbed but she goes to montessori so I wasn't really surprised). Now, daily, she talks about her death. She is obsessed and tells me all the time that she is dying. I try to talk through it with her, but in all honestly, I wish the school would have left it to parents to discuss. At least they should have given us warning that our 3-4yo would be discussing death with us b/c of the death of a students family.

Regardless, I don't tell lies. If she asks, I give it to her straight, but at her level.

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when our dog recently died and I had to put it down, I lied to my 11 year old daughter. I didn't
want her to think that I killed the dog. so I told her
that she died at the vet's of a stroke, very suddenly. my kids knew she was sick but were in total denial. i told my son in November that she had cancer and because he is 14 , he could handle it better

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