Anne Woods: A Weekend for Superheroes
Dr. Laura Schlessinger on Working Moms
Filed under: Work Life, Books for Parents
Dr. Laura feels sorry for working moms. Image: Amazon.com
She says she did not set out to write a book condemning mothers who work but in an interview with the Wall Street Journal, she managed to do just that. When asked at what point stay-at-home mothers should return to the workforce, she answered "never" and insisted that mothers should always be home when their children are.
She uses her own life as an example of how this can be done. When her son was young, she says she arranged to do her radio show only during the hours when he was at school. She says that mothers who claim they cannot manage that type of schedule with their jobs are just not trying hard enough.
"For everything in life, you have to make a priority list. This must be done. If we truly believe in something and cherish it, we find a way to make it happen," she says.
She goes on to say that her "heart hurts" for working moms and their children for what they are missing. "No argument, no criticism. My heart just hurts -- because when you get those pudgy arms around your neck, and being told you're someone's lullaby -- the fact that a woman would miss that is so, so sad," she says.
And that's where she loses me. In her one-size-fits-all approach to parenting, she assumes that a mom who works outside the home has a different relationship with her child than the mom who doesn't. That somehow the loving bond between mom and child is less if you are not together 24/7.
I also take issue with her assumption that all stay-at-home moms are spending their days wrapped lovingly in the arms of their children while their working counterparts are ignoring their kids in a selfish search for personal fulfillment. It's an unrealistic and narrow view of motherhood that serves only to further the so-called mommy wars in which mothers feel they must pick a side and defend it to the end. How about a book that simply praises the good mother who is raising happy and well-adjusted children despite all the 'expert's who tell her she's doing it wrong? Now that's a book I might read.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
5-15-2009 @ 2:38PM
Karen said...Thanks, GMS, for your comments. I was a SAHM for 18 years as we raised our 3 college-educated, happily-married children. The sacrifices? Suffice it to say, they were numerous. The blessings? Incalculable, eternal. Now that my husband of 31 years and I are empty-nesters, we still believe, as we did while we in the middle of our making those sacrifices, that parenting is the best job we ever had.
There are those out there who will scornfully say that not every parent's child will turn out as great as ours. I'll grant you that. However, it would be wise of the naysayers to examine open-mindedly [I think that's the pc term these days.] why kids turn into the kind of adults that make us-and society-proud. We were not perfect parents by any stretch of the imagination! But we made the decision, even in the most dire economic & gee-I-wish-I-were-more-personally-fulfilled circumstances to give whatever it took to be available to our kids. And they thank us for it now that they are out in the world.
In the 70's the feminists told us that boys and girls are EXACTLY the same in EVERY way. At 57 years old, I can say that this is baloney. We are EQUAL as human beings, but we do have different tangible and intangible roles, each as important as the other. And this plays out in the roles we play in our marriages for the best: WOMEN are nurturers, relationship-oriented, MEN are providers, protectors. Yes, we can and should understand and learn the other's role, but not at the expense of our kids' well-being.
It doesn't sound like any of the commenters have actually read Dr. Laura's book. Seems she, having personal and professional experience to draw from, would be a good source of information on this issue for any one who wants what's best for their children.
5-18-2009 @ 1:14PM
thoughtful said...Amen and Amen GMS! Thanks for taking the time to get this out. Our families are falling apart; our country is paying the toll. Kids need their moms, and, yes, you can find a job that allows you to work part-time when they're in school. I have friends who have found ways to do just that. I actually figured out a way to work from home and do what I need to do around the kids' schedules; so we walk together to school, I work, then I go get them, get snacks and they do homework while I'm here. I'm able to get dinner started most days and put some thought into it where before I was too haggard to even think of side dishes (veggies) much less the main course. We are all together for dinner and once they go to bed, I check back in for a few when necessary for work, and spend time with my husband. Our home is much happier; everything works. I'm so tired of people who condemn SAHMs. And if you haven't listened to Dr. Laura or red any of her books, you should. They've helped my marriage and family a good deal.
5-15-2009 @ 2:41PM
Karen said...Jessica, gender roles are different but they are equal in importance to our children. Kids need to see good models of each to thrive.
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5-15-2009 @ 8:30PM
Lisa said...People, Dr. Laura is using all your own insecurities to make money. Period. She must have done the happy dance the first time she heard the term "Mommy Wars" because she's got the perfect gig to make serious bank off this incredibly stupid phenomenon. She writes the book, adding (absolutely nothing original to the debate, btw) and waits for everyone to shell out the bucks or promote her dreck by bashing it. Either way, she wins.
Here's my raw opinion, ladies. Nobody is really that concerned about what you do because, frankly, you're just not that special. And guess what? Neither am I. I'm a mom. There's millions of them out there, each occupying their particular spot on the spectrum of "good" and "bad". Our culture has become so simultaneously self-absorbed and self-conscious. We broadcast to the world that we're either SAHMs or working moms like we're the first people to do it, and not only that, we frantically run around seeking validation from strangers and trying to sway them to our "side". Well, I for one don't care what anyone thinks of my decision to work part-time because the only one that really matters to is my daughter. I'm clocking out of this small-minded, catty, disgusting trend. Just love your kids and make decisions you can look yourself in the mirror for, and stop needing numbers on your side to back them up. That doesn't fix what's really wrong.
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5-17-2009 @ 8:36AM
camille said...I find Dr. Laura very offensive. I was a stay at home mom for 16 years, raising 4 children, moved 3 times in 10 years, cleaned, cooked, volunteered, but was forced to go and get a full time job w/benefits when I was divorced. Not only did I work outside the house 40 hours a week, but I owned and ran my own house, cleaned it, did all the yard work, took care of a dog, while raising my two youngest children 85% percent of the time while their father was re-married and in his own world. My children are now grown up, and are the most well adjusted children you will ever meet. They saw their mother do it all, because she had to, compared to the local lazy housewives who have nanny's, cleaning services and yard care service , all while they go play tennis and go to the gym, have lunches, and go shopping. Who do you think MY kids have more respect for? Give me a break!!
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5-17-2009 @ 1:28PM
Cheryl Guyan said...I'm not lazy, you're just jealous.
5-18-2009 @ 1:16AM
David said...If you actually READ Dr. Laura's book or LISTEN to her radio show you will know that she doesn't advocate that people abandon rEaLiTy. She's all about recommending that people DO what the NEED to DO. If you're a single parent - then, I guess you're gonna have to work. OK. She's OK with that - IF you're a single parent.
.
What she feels is NOT OK is if you're in a two-parent family, and both parents work outside of the home DURING the time when the children are between 0 and 4 years old (typically) when the children are at home & have not started school yet IF THERE is no NEED for BOTH parents to do this. She considers "need" to be very important - but "we want an HD TV" or "we want a second home" or "we want a fancy sports car", etc. DO NOT constitute "need".
Dr. Laura is all about the CHILDREN. Any parent(s) working at home or outside of the house - out of necessity AND/OR for the sake of the CHILD(REN) - is OK with her. She's just trying to support this point in light of our current culture which thinks that staying at home is "uncool" and "restricting". These parents deserve our support, not disdain - and THAT'S what Dr. Laura provides.
5-17-2009 @ 9:49AM
Verona said...I hate Dr. Laura.
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5-17-2009 @ 1:29PM
sherree said...I was with a man for twenty-one years, but we were never legally married. We made five children together. Our first son was stillborn. Eventually, he got a job. Though our children and their father and I all continued living together, I continued to collect welfare. I absolutely loved being able to stay at home raising the three children we had at the time. I loved being able to do arts and crafts with our children. I loved listening to our children talk and watching them play. I loved reading with our children. I loved cooking with our children. I loved being able to watch the many plays that our children created and performed for me. And, I loved being able to walk with our children to and from school.
But, there was no one who praised me on my decision to be a SAHM while I was on welfare. Surely, all the people who champion the SAHM are not suggesting that any women do what I did. Or, maybe in their world the only women who are mothers working outside the home have jobs out of choice not out of necessity.
When our fifth child was three and one-half years old, I got off welfare and went to work. By the time our fifth child was seven years old, my children's father and I had split. Our fifth child in now sixteen years old. Not working is not an option for me or the many single moms who are raising their children alone. We single moms have all the responsibilities of providing food, shelter, clothing, medical care and a college education for our children that SAHM's have. And, those things must be paid for with money that must be earned through employment.
In our market society, goods and services are produced by workers who are paid for by consumers who have a need for those goods and services. As long as there is a demand for particular goods and services, workers are needed to produce those goods and provide those services. So, in a market society, there will need to be people to take those jobs even if those jobs do not allow people to work from home or pay a lot of money. After all, when you SAHM's go out to dinner with your husbands and children, you expect there to be someone to take your restaurant order, clean your hotel room, and ring your purchases at the store!
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5-17-2009 @ 11:36PM
David said...sheree, I don't want to come off as "offensive" or anything - but the fact of the matter is that it sounds to me that the GOVERNMENT and TAXPAYERS were responsible for providing food and shelter to your family.
You had FIVE kids with this guy and he would never STEP UP and be a MAN?? You're probably better off without him. At least now if you go on public assistance it will be "for real" and not just because of some scheme to pump the system because he thought it was less pressure ON HIM to not marry and just let the taxpayers pull what were HIS responsibilities.
Good luck in the future. I'm glad to hear that your kids are up and running now.
5-17-2009 @ 11:46PM
noel said...Like one of the other posters here, I have worked full-time, part-time and I am now at home. My son has had wonderful experiences and frightening experiences in day care. Similarly, we have great days together now that I am at home and some pretty lousy ones. When I was working, I was so conscious of the limited amount of time that I had with him, that I was really on point about so many mom things. Now that I am at home, I am a little more slack and lax about some things because I know I have time to make it up. Staying home is great, frustrating, delicious, terrifying, satisfying, annoying, joyous, draining, inspiring, boring, fun, isolating, fantastic, exhausting and miraculous. I honestly go through all of these emotions regularly and truly feel this way about the opportunity to stay at home. I also felt a lot of these same emotions about various jobs that I had and about graduate school (which I was attending when my son was born). The difference though is that my son will remember my job performance and those days that I go above and beyond the call of duty a lot longer than any of my old co-workers or professors will. All of us "good" mothers i.e. mothers who care about our children and are committed to their well being are working our collective behinds off both in and out of the home. Let's applaud one anothers' efforts and not tear one another down. Please stop this insipid "mommy wars" madness!!
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5-18-2009 @ 9:40AM
jade said...I think if you have kids and dont HAVE to work, you shouldnt. If you have children there should be atleast one parent that is around when the children are. I grew up in a home with two working parents. They both didnt HAVE to work. They chose to. Would have been nice to have at least one of them around to talk to after school. I have been a stay at home mom for 16 yrs now. Only working(night shifts after the kids were in bed) when I HAD to. I understand the importance of having that parent around.
Believe me,.I would LOVE to have career and a life of "my own"... but when my first son was born(I have 5 sons now) I knew my life was no longer "mine". That everything wasnt about "me" anymore. Everything is about the children. I clean, do laundry and any chores that need to be done around here while they are in school. When they get home.. Im here for them. I know all my 15 yr olds high school drama. I know when and by who my 9 yr is being bullied by. I attend all their school plays and concerts. I know whats going on in my sons lives. They are taught morals, values, respect for ALL others.
Just an observation that Ive made over the last 16 yrs, but women that I see that put their careers and themselves first, some of my friends included, have children that are out of control. They talk back and disrespect their parents and anyone else they want. They care about nothing and no one. I blame the parents. Who else can you blame?? Not the child!! They are children, they dont know any better if their is no parent around to teach them!! Its not the schools job to teach your child morals, values and respect. Its YOURS! When both parents work full time, both parents are always "to tired to deal with..." this right now....
I see in my own neighborhood, the kids whose parents that arent around after school are the kids running wild causing problems and bullying the other kids around here. Its worth it to me to give up going and getting my hair done every month... the tanning salon... the closet full of "in fashions"...hanging out with friends at the bars and clubs on the weekends... its all worth giving up to me if .. I get to see my children smile every day.. I get to hear them laughing..They have decent cloths and shoes for school and play... I get to see them grow daily, not just in size but their personalities change and grow... most of you out there that think all that material stuff is important in your life right now will someday, when its to late, realize you missed out on so much of what could have been a more full-filling life. Your children....
Material stuff will still be there after your children move out and move on... careers will be there.. Maybe all these job loses are a good thing to a degree... More parents will be forced to spend more time with their children and get to know who your children really are....
My friends in their 30's that think spending 2-3 nights a week "clubbing" is more important than spending that time at home with their kids watching movies, playing board game, whatever...just disgusts me. Its sad. They dont realize their children are looking for their attention. They are looking at them as examples of "how to be a parent" and breeding a generation of kids that think life is a party. So before anyone wants to comment on my thoughts and opinions,.. if you have kids.. reflect on your own for a minute.. if your there for them and their growing to be healthy well adjusted beings , than good for you! If their not...get working... If you have no children... your opinion is meaningless....you cant possibly understand how over whelming being a parent can be...
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5-18-2009 @ 10:18AM
barb said...Wouldnt it be great if we all had a radio show and we could work from home and i wonder who was watching her children while she was spewing her hate thoughts towards the public. Laura no i do not call her Dr. because a Dr. is suppose to do no harm and she pollutes the airways with her stupidity everyday making women feel worse about themselves then they all ready do. How about making women feel good about themselves even though they have to work outside the home, how but suggestions on how to keep the bond between mother and child going inspite of having to work outside the home. I think if you ask my children if they would rather have a hug or food, clothing, electricity, or heat they would say the latter. My mom worked outside the home and i grew up fine. My children know i love them and appreciate them everyday. My daughter is also learning that she does not need a man to take care of her and make her valuable that she can do it on her own if she choose. That is the best gift to give a child the feeling of self worth. Laura needs to get out of the 1900's.
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5-18-2009 @ 12:06PM
David said...Dr. Laura does NOT demean women (or men) who H A V E to work outside the home. She repeatedly notes this fact in her radio program and books.
5-19-2009 @ 8:20AM
No thanks to SAHM said...Dr. Laura must have some idealized version of the SAHM. My mother was a "SAHM" and have suffered greatly for it. Out of her 5 children I am the only one who completed high school and graduated college. Financially she should have been working - - there was no funding for our necessities, health care, college, etc - nothing. We often went w/out food and electricity because it was important to "Make Sacrifices" so mom could stay home and "raise" us. HA! I'm sorry, but after infancy you don't need mom for every little second and once in pre-k it's time for momma to get a j-o-b. I had my first job at 12 and my money went toward food and clothing - a 12 year old should not have to support herself or her family.
My sisters have followed in my mom's footsteps - choosing to stay home much to the financial detriment of their families (bankruptcy, inability to provide clothing for their children. All of their children are full time in school - what the heck are the doing all day? Calling me at work talking about how "tiring" it is be a stay at home mom, what hard work it is. Sorry, but when "nap" is part of your job desscription it's not hard. In infancy, yes it is hard thankless work, but a five year who isn't home between 8 am and 3 pm? Not that tough.
Personally, sure if you can afford it, stay home during infancy when they do need round the clock care or part time during the toddler years. But once they are in school full time it's just lazy to be a "SAHM". What kind example does that set for the children? I think it sets women back decades. It tells children that they need to go to work all day at school while their moms just hang out at home- and I don't want to hear about the cleaning/cooking/etc. because mothers who work outside the home have to do ALL of that on top of raising their children and going to work.
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