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Scolding Your Child's Friend - How Bad?
Categories: Preschoolers, Kids 5-7
Do you scold other people's kids? Photo courtesy of stockexpert.com.
I emailed back right away. "What kind of rules does this child break? Like is she setting fires or talking back or what?"
"This child climbs on my furniture, jumps on it, strips naked, takes toys from the baby ... Ugh! And the mom just lets her do it. She doesn't say anything, which makes me feel awkward and crazy-mad. Then I have to preface everything with: "At our house..."
"I feel like a witch by the time they leave, but really it's basic rules I'm trying to enforce: Be kind, be considerate, keep your clothes on, don't act like a crazed zoo animal..."
Is scolding someone else's kids okay? I called Rosanne Tobey, L.P.C., director of Calm and Sense Therapy, for her take. She said...
"The short answer is...Your house your rules." I love this cutting to the chase! Yes! Go on...
"You have a right and responsibility to yourself, your child, and the play-mate, to enforce your rules. Good rules help children learn boundaries." Tobey also points out that when you enforce your house rules, you're modeling boundary setting for your child, and showing her how you expect her to behave when she's on a play date. All good.
But what if you feel like the wickedest Mother on the Planet? I mean, the other mother is not helping! Maybe your rules are too strict? Should you keep stepping in -- or give up? Here's Tobey's 3-step plan for Eliminating Scold-filled Play dates:
Enlist the other mom's help. "Without help from the other mother this job can become exhausting," Tobey says. "If you want to continue these play-dates, you may want discuss your concerns with the mother. During one of her daughter's episodes, you could mention sort of humbly that you feel like you are often addressing her child's behavior, and you are not sure how she must feel about it." (Side-note: This sounds scary, but I could see how it's the mature thing to do, and might actually lead to an honest conversation that makes your relationship with the other mom stronger.)
Spark a little positive peer-pressure. After visits with this friend, reinforce your rules to your child, by saying something like, "Honey I know your friend's mom lets her take her clothes off on play dates but you need to remember that we never take our clothes off on play dates." You may spark a little positive peer pressure for the next visit "Don't take your clothes off! That's not allowed!"
Take your play dates on the road. "If you do talk to her, hopefully the mom will take the hint and will assist you in enforcing rules. However, if she does not, one option is to have the play dates in a park or on some other neutral territory. That way when her daughter acts out or disrobes it is solely the other mom's problem that her daughter is naked in public."
Finally, Tobey reminds, "You always have the option of declining play dates with this child, if neither the child nor the mother is interested in following any rules." Isn't it funny how it's easy to get stuck in a relationship rut and forget the most obvious solution of all?
Did you have a parenting mishap and now you're wondering, "How Bad"? Send your question to PrincessLvsPink.com and it could be answered here.
Sabrina Weill is editor-in-chief of PrincessLovesPink.com.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
jen 5-14-2009 @ 12:08PM
I get annoyed when other parents DON'T scold my child if he/she is behaving unacceptably. I would scold their child, too, if they weren't behaving. It takes a village to raise a child - if your child understands that everyone is singing from the same songsheet, you will see their behaviour improve dramatically. If you are the only one enforcing the rules, they will just think it's a nagging thing.
For example, my son is not allowed to touch the hose in our garden as he tends to spray people - he can only use it to water the plants with supervision. I was attending to my daughter upstairs when he turned the hose on his friends round for a play date. I'd asked him not to touch the hose twice already. His friend's mother got very cross with him and then apologised to me for getting cross. I was quite ok with it, as he had already been told twice, and kept on doing it. His friend's mum telling him off actually had a more positive effect - he didn't touch it for the remainder of the playdate, whereas if it is me telling him off, he usually does it again for attention!!
What I hate is when you tell a child a particular behaviour is not acceptable in YOUR house (going upstairs with muddy shoes is my pet hate - we don't wear shoes in our house at all. Ditto with food in the sitting room), and their mother says 'it's ok, we do it in our house'. Erm - this is NOT your house, and it is NOT ok. Drives me insane. Actually, I find some kids are more compliant that their parents in this respect!
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Melissa 5-14-2009 @ 3:18PM
I totally agree with you....my daughter did something to one of her little friends and the mom told her "cait, that wasn't very nice. why did you do that?" (I wasn't there). My daughter stuck her tongue out at her and the mom said, "well, if you are going to be rude then we just won't talk to you right now." That worked on my daughter big time! And I appreciate it when other parents step in, too, because I would do it with their children!
Chloe Wilson 5-18-2009 @ 7:09AM
I find scolding my child's friends very uncomfortable as you want them to have a nice time when they are in your house. However when they are bothering our dogs or about to break something I do step in. I tend to get my son to explain the house rules to his friends if they are misbehaving in an attempt to tone down the ’scolding’ tone. I find though that he behaves much worse when he has friends around so I end up scolding him more than his friends! Tweet me http://www.twitter.com/Ben10Fan.
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martha 7-29-2009 @ 5:27PM
I strongly agree with diciplining other peoples kids. My saying is learn to dicipline your child or I will. Plain and simple. There is a child that is my childs age and his parents allow him to do as he pleases. Not at my house and on my watch. I didnt aprove of his behavior and let him know that was not acceptable. The child didn't like what I had to say and didnt want to come back to my house. Now I have a mother asking me what to do. Her child is always being picked on by his cousin that is the same age. The child went to the extreme as to give him a bloody nose. The parent did nothing, they just removed him from where they were playing. I told her that she shouldn't be scared to tell that child what is acceptable behavior and what is not. This will also let the parents of the child know that there are issues that they need to be addressing with their child. Like i say to any parent, If you see my child doing something they are not suppose to be doing, by all means let them know. I dont mind at all you addressing my childs bad behavior. Just do it in a firm and respectfull manner. They will get the point.
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