When You Don't Like Your Kids' Friends' Parents
Categories: Fun & Activities, Playground Bureau, Mommy Wars
Not all your kids' friends will have parents you'll want to be friends with. Image: sxc.hu
Sometimes the issue is that other parents have different rules. "My daughter spent the night" at her friend's house, says mom Julia, "and she and her friend went out for chips at midnight. If I had pre-teen kids spending the night, I'd have a pretty good idea where they were at all times, but the friend's mother didn't seem to care." But a difference about curfew wasn't the only reason that Julia wasn't interested in being friends with this other mother. "This mom was also known around school for yelling at teachers who dared to say her daughter had done something wrong. Basically, she was crazy."
So how did Julia handle the issue? She came up with reasons why her daughter was not allowed to go to the friend's house. "I didn't exactly lie; I just sort of bent the truth a little. I told my daughter she was allergic to her friend's dog so she couldn't go to her house anymore. Okay, so maybe that is a lie," she admits. But who can blame her?
Sometimes our kids' friends' parents just rub us the wrong way. Leslie's daughter wanted to have a classmate over to play; when Leslie extended the invitation, the girl's mother asked about guns in the house -- a reasonable inquiry. However, "I didn't like the way she posed the question," explained Leslie. "She said 'I have to ask this' and then asked if we had any guns almost as if she thought the answer would be yes. So we didn't have the girl over."
It seems that the kids are often the ones to lose out when their parents don't get along. I have a friend whose daughters are about the same ages as my older two. I even have photos of my son walking through the mall hand-in-hand with her older daughter. But then I found out she voted yes on California's proposition 8 (which took away the right to marry for some citizens). Now I find it difficult to talk to her, let alone allow my kids to spend time with her daughters.
I'm not sure there's a good solution to the problem of dealing with parents you don't like. Sometimes, you can put up with people for the sake of the kids and other times, it's just too much to ask.
Have you ever had to deal with a parent you really didn't like? Have you ever told your child they couldn't play with another child because of the other child's parent? How would you handle a situation like these?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
SKL 5-19-2009 @ 2:36PM
First of all, how can you teach your kids to be tolerant liberals if you yourself can't be tolerant of other people's political views? Now if she'd voted for infanticide (like Obama did) I could understand the aversion, but disagreement with gay marriage is fairly prevalent (obviously the majority in CA) and not likely to affect how the play date goes.
Politics aside, adults need to model politeness toward people we don't agree with, because that's something kids need to learn in order to be successful in life. If the choice is between putting up with a lamebrain and denying kids a healthy amount of socialization, I'd err on the side of putting up with the lamebrain, though I would strategize to limit the amount of time I had to suffer.
Now if the issue is that you don't trust the other parent to properly care for your child, then you should not allow your child to be in that situation. And I believe that parents should be honest with their kids about the reasons, if they are old enough to comprehend. There were plenty of times when my parents told me that they didn't want me in a particular person's house, and I knew why, and it was a good lesson for me.
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Amy Wood 5-20-2009 @ 7:39AM
Way to slip your agenda in there Roger!!!! Real slick comment on Prop 8.
You are so "open minded".
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Amy Wood 5-20-2009 @ 8:40AM
. . .I almost forgot. . .good one on "gun control" too!!! Real subtle.
Jessica 5-20-2009 @ 9:23AM
The only thing that should matter regarding your child's friend's parent is whether they have the same ideas of safety and supervision. Who the hell cares what their political views are? And why would you deny your child the right to make their own political decisions and have their own political influences. Very closed minded if you don't, in my opinion.
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Mary Sullivan 5-20-2009 @ 10:31AM
Parents' politics aren't a barrier for me, or else my kids would lose some of their best friends. A couple of the parents are very different from me politically; basically I avoid talking politics and focus on areas of common interest.
I also don't think you need to be best buddies with your kids' friends, but you DO need to be able to communicate with them on anything related to safety, limits and rules, and (at times) basic values. The values piece works like this: Let's say the other parent opposes gay marriage, while I support it. That won't keep me from letting my kid play in their home. However, if that same parent is using homophobic language or slurs in front of my kid? No more visits to that house. I'd still invite the kid here, though.
The whole supervision thing is a big issue in our community. Some parents are known for being really, really lax. When my kid gets invited (occaionally) to one of these homes, I just ask if the other kid can come here instead. I'm sure this solution won't work forever. When they're teens, I'll have to explain why they can't hang out in certain homes--and will be honest with the kids about it. But my sons are used to that from me--they know I've never been running for Miss Popularity.
Mary
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Katty 5-21-2009 @ 8:06PM
I agree that beliefs, whether political or religious make a difference in whether or not my child can hang out with another child, but that's only if the parent says inappropriate things in front of my kid. Like Mary said if the parent said something racist, or told my child that his parents were going to hell, then I would have to take steps to protect my son.
Beyond that as long as the parents are nice and supervise appropriately, then I am good with being cordial if for some reason I don't it it off with them.
I actually had to make this decision yesterday when my son went to a playdate a friend's house whose mother I am not sure about and as we were leaving and she handed my son some candy that he had never seen before, not because I am the sugar police but because he doesn't have a sweet tooth and he said he didn't know what they were she said:
"Wow, does your mother buy you anything good? Is she nice to you at all"
She was laughing, but my 5 year old wasn't and he burst into tears at home and said "mommy, you are the nicest mommy in the world" so my husband I decided that if you are passive aggressive to my kid, we are done.
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