Dating Your Kids Helps Keep Sibling Rivalry in Check

Before my second child was born last August, I had oodles of one-on-one time with my beloved older daughter. In fact, I am hard-pressed to believe there was ever a child more doted on than mine. That's why I fretted almost daily about the fact that I wouldn't have time to focus on her and her alone.

Then I discovered Christina Refford's blog, Fairly Odd Mother. Refford, mother to three, set out to spend more quality time with her kids on an individual basis, and created "date nights" for each of them. Refford, who home-schools her kids, also works part-time. Her husband also works, and goes to school at night. In a March 30 post titled "Is There Enough Time To Go Around?" she outlines her worries about the amount of quality time she spends with each child:

"This might strike you as odd, but I worry that I'm not spending enough time with the kids. I don't mean as a group, which is how we do things around here. Every. Single. Day. I mean one-on-one time. Just Mama and Child A. Or B. Or C. That kind of dedicated time with each child on their own just doesn't happen right now."

Despite their hectic schedules, Refford and her husband now manage to spend alone time with each of their three kids -- Isabel, 8, Jillian 6,and Dante, 4 -- at least once a month. How does she manage? Dinner dates. I mean, everyone has to eat dinner, right?

"They get to pick the place," Refford says. "Since their tastes run to the chains, it doesn't cost us much more than $20, unless I spring for dessert. It could be even less money if we stuck to fast food or even just a scoop of ice cream one evening. It doesn't have to cost a lot."

Devra Renner, author of the award winning book "Mommy Guilt: Learn To Worry Less, Focus On What Matters Most and Raise Happier Kids," agrees. "Keep in mind one on one time need not be expensive for it to be meaningful," she says. "As your kids get older, you can try taking turns picking how you both will spend your time together."

Renner, who also has a master's degree in clinical social work and is co-founder of Parentopia, adds that treating kids as individuals goes a long way toward helping them maintain solid sibling relationships: "It's no deep dark secret that siblings often compete for parental attention," she says. 'If each child knows they are going to get one-on-one time with a parent, then it is possible sibling rivalry for parental attention could decrease, and the offshoot of that would be a more positive sibling relationship." Renner adds that it's also beneficial for parents and kids to "see one another as individuals, apart from the family herd."

"Herd" is the perfect word to describe a family with multiple kids. Sometimes, I feel less like a parent and more like a sheep herder. Refford agrees, and says that separating from the "four-pack" gives her a new perspective on her children. "Each one acts a little more grown up when they are alone with me which makes me realize how quickly they are growing up," she says. "They seem to love the uninterrupted attention and talk about whose date is coming up next all the time."

While it isn't easy, Refford and her husband are committed to maintaining the "kid's night out" tradition. "It isn't all that easy to schedule, but it is so worth the effort," she says. "Besides, there will probably come a time in the not-so-distant future when my kids don't want to be seen with me in public, so I'll take their excitement over this and run with it for now."

Is one-on-one time with your kids important to you? How do you manage it?