Modern Fathers the Equivalent of Hired Help?

by Sandy Maple (Subscribe to Sandy Maple's posts) May 22nd 2009 11:00AM

Have fathers lost their place in the family? Photo courtesy Friendscallme on Flickr

Michael Lewis is a father of three who is feeling a little under-appreciated. He's written a book, based on a series of amusing pieces he wrote for Slate, called "Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood." In it, he describes what he considers to be the raw deal that men have been handed by the mothers of their children:

"At some point in the last few decades, the American male sat down at the negotiating table with the American female and -- let us be frank -- got fleeced," he writes.

He is referring to the role of the modern father -- a role that he says has been diminished and debased by the modern mother who has decided his value lies in doing as he's told with nary a thanks. No longer the powerful head of household, he's become the equivalent of unpaid hired help. The babysitter, the heavy-lifter, the go-to guy when something trivial needs to be done.

Day Out with Daddy: Celebrity Dads and Kids

Matt Damon
Actor Matt Damon gives his daughter, Isabella, a lift at LAX Airport. Damon and his wife, Luciana Barroso, have two daughters together -- Isabella and Gia. Luciana also has a daughter, Alexia, from a previous marriage.

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Tom Brady
The New England Patriots' star quarterback, Tom Brady, visits with his son, John Edward Thomas Moynahan. Mom is Brady's former girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan. Brady married Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen in February 2009 in Los Angeles.

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President Barack Obama
Despite his insanely busy and important schedule, President Barack Obama makes it a point to spend as much time as he can with daughters Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7.

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Brad Pitt
Actor Brad Pitt, who has six children with actress Angelina Jolie, visits the playground with three of their kids -- daughter Zahara, and sons Pax and Maddox. Not pictured are daughter Shiloh and twins Vivienne and Knox.

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Will Smith
Will Smith and two of his children with actress wife Jada Pinkett Smith -- daughter Willow and son Jaden -- enjoy a night out in New York City. Smith also has a third child, son Trey , from his previous marriage to Sheree Zampino.

Eric Charbonneau, Le Studio/Wireimage

Tom Cruise
Actor Tom Cruise walks the streets of Manhattan with his daughter, Suri Cruise; mom is actress Katie Holmes. Tom also has two other children -- daughter Isabella and son Connor -- from his previous marriage to actress Nicole Kidman.

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Matthew McConaughey
Matthew McConaughey sits in the sand with son Levi on the beach in Malibu. Levi is McConaughey's first child with model/handbag designer girlfriend Camila Alves.

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Seal
Sexy crooner Seal, seen here playing in the park with one of his sons, has three children with supermodel wife Heidi Klum -- daughter Leni, son Henry and son Johan. The couple recently announced that baby #4 is on the way!

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Gavin Rossdale
Singer Gavin Rossdale hanging out on the slopes with his oldest son, Kingston. Rossdale and his singer/fashion designer wife Gwen Stefani have two sons, Kingston and Zuma.

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Ben Affleck
Actor/director Ben Affleck picks up his oldest daughter, Violet, from school. Ben and his wife, actress Jennifer Garner, have two daughters – Violet Ann Affleck and Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck.

Bauer-Griffin

Where his own father may have ruled his roost with an iron fist, Lewis claims today's fathers have been stripped of their authority and relegated to water boys for their wives and children. Their vast powers of leadership and moral-compassing are no longer required or even desired by their strong and empowered wives.

It would be easy to dismiss Lewis as a disgruntled stay-at-home dad, but I felt something when I read this article. It was a twinge of something I think was recognition followed by a tiny bit of guilt. While I acknowledge and appreciate my husband's ability to problem-solve, plan, and otherwise make sound decisions, I rarely let him do so.

I do, however, let him clean up the mess when the cat misses the litter box, carry the heavy potting soil to the shed and keep the lawn looking neat and tidy. He's not a stay-at-home dad. In fact, he's been edged out of a leadership role precisely because he works long hours and I am left to hold down the fort. This operation needs only one leader and I see no reason why it shouldn't be me. But in taking over have I taken him down?

How much authority does your husband have at home? Does he run the roost, or is he the errand boy? Or have you negotiated some amicable third option?

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Comments (11)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Nicola 5-22-2009 @ 12:16PM

I hardly know where to begin. I read the companion piece and, to me, it sounds like Mr. Lewis has acquired himself a bit of a god complex. There was indeed a time when men "ruled" the house. When women were not permitted to attain a university education, to work outside of the home, or to undertake business transactions without their husband's authority. There was a time when women were breeders and tenders, men were hunters and protectors. This is no longer that time.

I work full time outside of the home in a scientific research position. I have a graduate degree. My husband only has a bachelor's. I am published. I present at conferences. I am an equal breadwinner in our household. And you darn well better believe that my husband will do an equal part in maintaining our home and family. And, no, I will not kiss his feet and give him extra special thanks for being a parent, a spouse, and a decent human being!

Mr Lewis feels put out by the fact that he has to take his child to swim class? Or take her for the occasional walk in the park? That's called parenting. I'll put this another way -- mothers, women, wives are not slaves. Fathers, men, husbands are not in any way superior and do not deserve special recognition for doing the work of life. Parenting, cleaning, working, paying bills, running errands, helping with homework, sharing the joy of raising a family. Real men, sexy men, are the ones who aren't standing in the background whining about the injustice of having to parent their children (instead of what? playing video games? golfing?), but are smiling, laughing, and sharing in a beautiful life with their children and spouse. The rest of you guys are simply pathetic.

Nova 777 5-22-2009 @ 5:11PM

You need only look at the sorry, pathetic and morally corrupt state of our society to see where the vast number of head strong females and wimpy men have carried us to date. The clock is ticking for us all, so hang on tight to what is left, because it will soon all be gone. The foundation to a strong Nation, is a strong society and the foundation to a strong society is strong families. Strong families are run by a strong loving Father and a strong loving Mother who know when to be boss and when not to be. Not one over the other. They now only exist is moderate numbers and are fast disappearing at an alarming rate as parents capitulate to Hollywood and Liberal values and ideals. Don't ever say that you, the guilty parties of both genders, were not forewarned !

Robert 5-24-2009 @ 2:04PM

While foolish men do get confused with their role as a husband, women might also recognize that they at times add to the confusion. Yes, men and women are equal, however it is the man's role to lead and the wife's job to submit to his authority.

Ladies, where this might seem like a "raw deal" the fact of the matter is that with leadership comes responsibility - sometimes heavy responsibility that only a true man can shoulder. It does include doing chores, interacting with the kids - but also choosing where to live, what schools for the kids, money to save, attitudes to have, church to attend.

Yes, and also, if his family fails, it is his fault too. As a husband, I want to protect my wife and family - being smart about my actions. Foolish also is the man that doesn't discuss with his wife - who, as we all know, have skills and thoughts that are correct.

The last thing any leader needs is someone who undermines his actions - makes fun of him or engages in a power struggle. Some wimpy men just give up - why did you marry that spineless man in the first place? If you ladies wanted power and leadership - don't get married or work out your competitive streak at work or sports.

Get things back on track and be the person you know you should be - if your sissy man gave his balls to you, give them back to him and encourage him to use them to lead you and your family.

SKL 5-22-2009 @ 1:35PM

1) Ha! Ha! Ha!

2) So now some men know what it's been like to be a woman for millenia!?

3) If you want to make a decision, go do it! Take some initiative. There is plenty of room for improvement on every domestic front. Do something and feel good about it and then shut the hell up.

4) I can see why this guy is a SAHD - he'd obviously be a whiney, disgruntled, unmotivated, therefore "unappreciated" employee.

Jessica 5-22-2009 @ 1:41PM

"I am an equal breadwinner in our household. And you darn well better believe that my husband will do an equal part in maintaining our home and family. And, no, I will not kiss his feet and give him extra special thanks for being a parent, a spouse, and a decent human being!"

Couldn't have said it better Nicola!

Karen 5-22-2009 @ 1:56PM

Seriously, what is wrong with these men? In order for your wife to carry your balls around in her purse, you have to take them off and hand them to her. I don't allow anyone to subjugate me, and I have no sympathy for all these privileged white men who complain that The Woman is keepin' them down. Women and people of color had actual laws constraining us, and we broke those shackles. If these wusses can't even tell little Quinn to carry her own backpack, their oppression gets no sympathy from me.

Inger 5-22-2009 @ 2:02PM

I don't think my husband has been delegated to the unpaid help. We are definitely a team, and each of us has our own assigned roles. I am a stay at home mom, so I cook - he doesn't. I clean the house - he might occassionally help empty the dishwasher or assist in putting new sheets on a bed but that is the extent of his housework. I take care of the children during the day, in the evening we both watch them. I take care of the laundry.

He, on the other hand, goes to work every day. He earns the income that provides us with everything my family and I use every day, including the things I have to spoil myself like pedicures and my gym membership. He reads stories to the children, helps with homework,and plays t-ball as well as going to all the games.

It is a matter of being partners, with everyone AGREEING on their roles. It isn't an issue of being modern or not, it's what works for each family. It's not a women's lib issue, as I am all for women's rights and this is what I choose to do, it's a personal issue between couples.

Peace!
Inger

A dad 5-24-2009 @ 9:44AM

I suspect this book is much more of an observational humorist take on modern fatherhood on only trivally a lament for male authority of yore, despite the shocked and appalled claims of some commentors on here. In general, I agree -- if someone is truly dissatisfied in their role in a marriage or household it's up to them to straighten it out through communication.

There is a valid side to this topic though. Not so much in the "shame" of the modern father being more culturally expected to share in child rearing and household tasks, this is only fair. But there is a certain disdain for fathers that has cropped up among the current mommy generation. It may seem like good natured mockery, but there is something deeper that to me, as a father, is disturbing.

It's become downright commonplace to assume men are some sort of sitcom stereotype - a bumbling fool incapable of completing even the most trivial tasks without supervision, a wandering fool in need of a kind, guiding hand to keep him straight. Mothers routinely worry about leaving the home and children in father's care for a night or even a few hours.

Witness the rise of the use of "DH" among online mommies to refer to their "dumb husbands". If a community of online men referred to their wives as "DWs" there would be outrage. But DH is considered appropriate humor, even though it speaks to the idea of men as bumbling fools.

So before you mommies dismiss this idea completely, take a short moment of introspection to see if you aren't just a little dismissive of your husband or men in general as something less than yourselves.

jen 5-24-2009 @ 6:10PM

FYI - "DH" stands for "dear husband"; " DD" is "dear daughter", "DS", "dear son", etc.

dan 5-25-2009 @ 6:27PM

No joke and the reason for all that bumbling is probably that we (Dad's in general) lack the experience the Mom's have in dealing with all the day to day stuff. Mom's need to try to remember the early days of parenting when they were sure that they were doing everything wrong when they chuckle at their "bumbling spouse"(cause first time mom's are just as bad). Give a dad the time and they can become just as capable as a mom at parenting however dad's get $hit for this with comments like "his wife has his balls" (not to mention mom's smart a$$ commentary on how they're doing things the wrong way). Mom's don't get hit with this kind of stigma for trying to be a good parent/spouse. (In fact I seem to remember giving a good deal of moral support when my wife delivered our first child 9 months ago when she was sure everything she was doing was wrong. hmm fancy that.;p )

g.blanda 5-25-2009 @ 10:27AM

i think it's his fault that he is treated that way. he should just say no if he doesn't want to do something. just face it if he thinks he is going to be appreciated by a female he is wrong. they are not wired that way.he should do what he thinks is right, and if she doesn't like it she'll have to get over it.

damoki 5-26-2009 @ 12:14AM

It appears to me, between the "I am woman" and the "You are my woman" comments offered from both ends of the spectrum, there is little focus on the actions of mom and dad as they relate to the way the children view, imitate, and internalize those actions.

Parents should consider the comments, actions, and attitudes toward each other, which are absorbed by their kids, who will probably display the same in their relationships with a future spouse. Is that really what you parents want?

The man who insists on being the "leader" with a subservient wife, or the wife who declares equality with little regard for the differences in each of us, both display an undertone, if not an outright assumption of superiority and arrogance... kids "monkey see, monkey do" the entire display for future reference.

So, let's drop the "women were subjugated for years, therefore women should get their turn now", and the "worn out prehistoric, club-wielding Papa concept", and get on with the job of being great parents through education, example, coordination, and cooperation... oh yeah, the respect thing too.

DaMoKi

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