Is 'Princess Parenting' Really a Problem?

by Sandy Maple (Subscribe to Sandy Maple's posts) May 28th 2009 3:00PM

Categories: Toddlers, Kids 5-7, Development

Is your daughter on a princess pedestal? Image: amazon.com

Almost from the moment they are born, little girls today are bombarded with princess paraphernalia. Crib sheets, bottles, bibs and blankets all come in pink girly-girl versions and often feature words like "her highness" and images of royal beauties. It only gets worse as they get older. What parent of a toddler girl doesn't have at least one princess dress-up outfit complete with sparkly plastic shoes and a tiara?

Most of us see the princess phenomenon as harmless fantasy play. But there are some who believe that parents who allow their daughters to enjoy this frilly pink pretend world are in danger of raising narcissistic little divas who expect the world to revolve around them.

One such person is Jean Twenge, an associate professor of psychology at San Diego State and co-author of "The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement." In researching the way parenting affects children, she determined that the the current princess obsession that so many little girls - and their parents - have bought into can lead to problems.
Twenge found that while college-age women display fewer narcissistic traits than their male counterparts, the girls are catching up fast. And, in her opinion, the princess phenomenon is at least partly to blame.

"It just encourages parents who put their kids on a pedestal - and who encourage their kids a lot and rarely criticize," she says. "You could label that kind of parenting 'princess parenting.'"

As a parent of a child who has moved beyond her royal obsession, I think blaming princess products for poor parenting is a stretch. Whether your child is currently into princesses, Pokemon or fire trucks, it's all about context and guidance. Even the sparkliest princess wand in the world is powerless against responsible parenting.

What about you? Are you concerned about the princess message your daughter is receiving? Do you try to steer her away from all things royal, pink and sparkly? If so, what would you rather she be doing during playtime?

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Comments (14)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

laurie 5-28-2009 @ 6:13PM

I'm much more fearful that girls will think that when they meet their "prince" they'll get married and live happily ever after!

Melissa 5-28-2009 @ 7:17PM

HAHAHA! yeah that's my fear, too!

Kirstie 5-28-2009 @ 8:11PM

Yet another way to shift blame OFF of parents. Who buys the crap? Parents. Who puts up with the bad behavior from the children? Parents.

If you don't teach your children that the world revolves around them, no tiara will teach them otherwise.

aaa 7-13-2009 @ 8:38PM

i had this stuff when i was little, and you know what? i'm perfectly fine. my mom baught me the stuff but was smart enough to teach me that i wasnt, in any way, an "actual" princess.

Brenda 5-28-2009 @ 9:55PM

Jean Twenge is getting a ton of mileage from a book she poorly (and unethically) researched using a social networking site that basically says, "Kids today. They think they're so special." The sad truth is we've been saying that for generations.

Hearing this come from her makes me want to run out and buy my toddler some of the regalia mentioned in the article. However, since she isn't interested, I won't bother.

damoki 5-29-2009 @ 3:51AM

Kristie presents a valid point and is close to my take on this royal pain thing. I believe the tendency is to blame children’s poor behavior, attitude, and expectations on inanimate objects is a common error in parenting. The parent is in a unique position of influence, and must choose among various effective actions regarding the interests of children. In the original article (Baltimoresun.com) a Dr. Haller (Pediatrician and Professor), thinks a discussion which puts the “make believe” into the proper context will support the creation of a healthy perspective by first limiting the time available and by juxtaposing other enjoyable and/or necessary activities against the princess “play”.

Parents are not really at fault for buying the princess “stuff” but are culpable if they allow that stuff to seed a fantasy lifestyle, which may blossom into a narcissistic adulthood.

In the same way guns do not kill, people do… Tiara’s don’t create self-obsessed, over-expectant, unfocused, and externally motivated children, parents do, by allowing the hype and the fantasy to feed the child’s need to belong, have freedom, exert power, and experience fun. If the effect of attitudinal head swelling creates a “too tight Tiara”, parental magic can make it disappear until the swelling goes down.

Then there are those parents living vicariously through their children: not a lot of hope here. In those cases, the parent is not just the cause of the problem, but likely exacerbates it because they gain so much pleasure in that same fantasy. They miss the point of both child’s play and adult parenting, and when any obsession with the Princess thing fades, another will be found to replace it… good luck kid!

This is a classic battle between building external and internal controls. The truth is, though possibility ongoing for generations, fault virtually never rests on the shoulders of children. It must be borne in part on the shoulders of manufacturing and marketing moguls, but, by far, parental influence is the cornerstone of any child’s view of their unique place in the world.

So, go ahead and build a throne room for your little Princess if she wants one, but make sure she rides her bike, cleans up her room, and helps do the dishes too.

DaMoKi

roger 5-29-2009 @ 11:33AM

In response to DaMoKi's comments - I agree whole-heartedly - very well put.

jen 5-29-2009 @ 11:16AM

Excuse me - but what exactly is wrong with telling your daughters they are "beautiful as a princess" etc. She IS a princess to me and my husband. All the future negative body images just might be overshadowed if I can convince her now, that she is beautiful. And again, what is wrong with the the image of marrying a "prince" and living "happily every after". No one is saying that "ever after" is without conflicts, but YES, I want her to think at this young age (almost 9) that someday she will meet her "prince", he will respect her and treat her as a "princess" and together they will be able to make their lives happy, despite the day-to-day difficulties.

The only "princess" fantasy I DONT agree with, is the one in which the princess needs rescuing from "evil". I think princesses can and should be able to rescue themselves (i.e. see the book "Paper bag Princess" - a perfect example of this!!)

Tamara Burgh 6-03-2009 @ 7:14AM

Just finished a book "Kill the Princess" by Stephanie Vermeulen. It is a very good argument against the princess idea and the notion of a fairy tale life. According to the author women's potentials and gifts are consistently undermined by educational prejudices, commercials, magazines, etc. By my experiences and observations, I find it hard to disagree with her. My eyes have been opened. I have ordered and am now reading five of the books listed in her bibliography. As a women I feel reborn, revived, realistic and empowered having read Stephanie's and other books that "killed the princess" idea. Girls need to find the prince within who will give them the empowering tools to walk with confidence and live up to their potential.

damoki 5-29-2009 @ 8:40PM

Jen,
You seem agitated. Take a deep breath… “ahummmm”. I can see from you writing you love your little princess; all mothers (and fathers) should. The ‘exact wrong” is when the children are allowed to wallow in the fantasy state of “I am the princess and will be treated that way or off with your head”, or as was stated in the original article, “All princess all the time” they can develop a bloated and deformed view of their place in the world and their relationship to others.

Telling children they are beautiful is OK I guess. I did. It is a matter of degree and motivation. Keep in mind the reality of unattainable expectations. In my childhood, I knew a girl who was convinced of her beauty by her parents (I heard it… lots) and she simply was not. She had a hard time with the dissonance created when the fantasy of her childhood hit the wall of reality. Did that mean she was not loved, or could not be all that she could be, or that she was somehow less a person? No! But, it did mean she was not beautiful. So, she had a lot of surgery and suffered from bouts with bulimia. Her body image was the most important focus in her life, and sadly it took away from her potential to achieve greatness in other areas. I would guess mom still says she is beautiful.

The other thing I would wonder about is the “Prince Charming” thing. If you convince (odd word to use) your Princess she is beautiful and will marry the “Prince” what expectations are you laying the groundwork for? If she approaches each potential spouse with a royal list of standards to be met, I fear she will either be very lonely or very disappointed forever after.

Consider what Mark Twain said, “It is not what we don’t know that harms us the most, it is the what we are sure of, which is wrong.” Are you sure about what you are doing?

My hope is that you and all the other loving mothers and fathers will understand a little fantasy in a child’s life is fine, but, the good parts of a person are built from the inside out, in the land of reality, and when successfully assembled will attract similarly constructed men from which she can choose… maybe even Prince Charming.

DaMoKi

damoki 5-29-2009 @ 8:54PM

Tamara,

Thanks for the book title… I will look at it. I do have one question: in your last sentence, “Girls need to find the prince within who will give them the empowering tools to walk with confidence and live up to their potential.”, did you really mean a women needs a man to empower them? To be empowered is a reflection of individual character. Please clarify.

DaMoKi

Steph Vermeulen 6-01-2009 @ 10:04AM

I am the author of the book "Kill the Princess" and wanted to thank Tamara for the mention. I write to make a difference and your words were music to my ears - much appreciated. The work we women need to do to reach authenticity is challenging and it sounds like you - Tamara - are really going the distance. It sometimes may seem easier to 'go along with' social demands but the way women are socialised into relatively 'traditional' roles means that we will be unlikely to lead fulfilling lives - lives that satisfy what we want rather than what everyone else wants from us. 'Tradition' maintains the way things are and the stereotype of the 'pretty princess' or the 'good wife' may suit the status-quo (of women giving to others)- or more importantly the recipients of our generosity - but often it seldom suits the women themselves. This isn't about being totally self-involved, it's more like Charles Handy's description of being "appropriately selfish" - discerning who we are going to give to and when. The princess stereotype only allows us to live up to the smallest part or our potential and now is the time when the full strength of womanhood is needed to redress the imbalances in the world - like the financial meltdown for instance - so I urge women not to emphasise this in young girls.
I picked up this blog from a Google alert on the book title and if anyone would like to contact me, my mail address is: steph@eqsa.co.za or through my website: www.stephanievermeulen.com or Thanks Tamara and may you go from strength to strength.

damoki 6-01-2009 @ 3:26PM

Stephanie,

I am both impressed with the content of your response, and appreciative of the time you took to expand it for the benefit of those who write or just read these comments. Your passion is obvious, your goals are clear, and your words are supportive. Thanks!

DaMoKi

SKL 6-03-2009 @ 12:31PM

OK, I'm confused: which princesses are we talking about?

The one whose stepmom ordered a huntsman to kill her and was instead abandoned in a forest, supported herself by becoming a maid to seven men, was sufficated and poisoned, and ultimately was rewarded for her goodness and hard work by becoming a princess?

The one who was enslaved and abused by her stepmother and stepsisters, yet managed to maintain enough grace to touch a prince's heart?

The one who sacrificed for her father and sisters by becoming the prisoner of a beast, and learned to value and love that which is beneath the surface?

My daughters have a few "Disney princess" things, but they don't pay attention to that any more than they would to any commercial trademark. They also have a case of "princess" dress-up clothes that they use for imaginary play. The thing is, they are only allowed to play with it so long as they follow all the rules of the house, including sharing, taking turns, being kind and gentle, and putting it away upon Mom's orders. Same as any other toy. I like any toy that sparks their imagination and helps them to better connect with the classic literature that we read together. The idea that a princess trademark on a toy can have an impact on a child's personality is frankly ridiculous. I can just imagine parents in a juvenile court hearing: "if we'd only bought the generic kitchen instead of the princess one!" Gimme a break.

Oh, and my daughters ARE the most beautiful children in the whole wide world (just like I once was), so I tell them this most emphatically.