Do You Play With Your Kids?
Categories: Playground Bureau, Mommy Wars, Extreme Childhood
Lots of moms say playing with their kids is hard work. Photo courtesy of sxc.hu.
Other moms, that's who. At least, that's what my friend Jenelle says. Jenelle and her son, James, were at our public library recently when another parent pressured Jenelle into abandoning her magazine for a round of Legos and puppets.
"James was playing with this woman and her son, and the woman was all, 'Oh, look, he wants to play with someone,'" Jenelle says. "I just smiled and kept reading, but she said it three or four times, until I finally felt like I had to play with him. I was totally annoyed, because that's why we go to the library, so he can play with other kids -- not me! I am not a play-on-the-floor mom."
An informal poll of my friends revealed that more than half of us -- myself included -- are less than enthusiastic about playing with our kids. Geez, I'm cringing even as I write that. Playing with your kids shouldn't feel like work, but for many of us, it does, and we definitely feel guilty about it.
"I feel enormous pressure and guilt when it comes to playing with my kids," says Mississippi mom Megan Jordan, 32. "I remember being pregnant with my second and reading an article about parents relearning how to play. At the time, I was still fairly enamored with being a mother and thought it was a little sad, but it's become a self-fulfilling prophesy. No sooner had I judged that article than I began having trouble coming up with dialog for the action figure I had been assigned for the moment."
Jordan is a busy mother of two boys, ages 4 and 2, and she is expecting her third child. The author of The Velveteen Mind and editor of BlogNosh Magazine, she says that she does not play with her kids every day: " I always thought I would, which makes me feel incredibly guilty. Instead, I probably [really] play with them every other day. On those other days, they basically play around me while I write or manage other tasks. I'm always with them, though not always tuned in."
Dr. Jennifer Canter is a pediatrician and mother of four, who also founded Play This Way Everyday, a company dedicated to enhancing interactive play between kids and parents. Canter says parents need to stop pressuring themselves to be the ideal playmate all the time, every day. Relax and enjoy the time you spend playing with your kids, no matter if it's for five minutes or two hours.
"Parenting can be stressful and the responsibilities on parents are enormous," Canter points out. "There are tremendous benefits to interactive, structured and free play. However, it is most important that the child and parent enjoy these special times together. One day it may be 10 minutes, another day an hour or two, and another day not at all. That's OK."
Play becomes more and more complex as children get older, she adds, and toddlers and preschoolers can exhaust parents with their imaginations. This is a good time to promote independent play, Canter advises. Definitely get in there and play pirates for awhile, but you can take a time out for coffee and a magazine, too.
That's good news for Jordan, who says she has a 20-minute limit. "If you could see me right now, you would be embarrassed for how much I'm cringing when I admit that I can tolerate on-the-floor play for usually no longer than 20 minutes," she says. "Playing cars is my best bet, but I still hit that 20 minute mark and crash into the wall."
Twenty minutes can sometimes feel like an eternity to me, when the siren song of dirty laundry and un-met deadlines drowns out my ability to impersonate a rainbow fairy or a frog disguised as a prince. But I do it, I get down there on the floor and roll a ball to the baby, or play Barbies with the big girl -- and I wonder just when it was that play started to feel more like work.
Are you a play-on-the-floor parent, and do you judge parents who are more hands-off?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Michelle 6-02-2009 @ 12:22PM
My mom was a great mom. She stayed at home with us (me and my brother), we had lots of attention and interaction. I recall her reading to us often or the occasional board game. But not once was she on the floor playing cars or Barbies - that was what our friends were for! And I will admit - I just don't do the Barbie thing - and now I have a baby boy - I'm supposed to drive cars around and make a rrmmm-rrrmmm sound? Not likely, at least not for more than a few minutes. And I think I'm a pretty good mom too. When did it become expected that parents spend hours on the floor playing with little kids?
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Maureen 6-02-2009 @ 12:42PM
I was really good at playing with them when they were toddlers and early preschool. Thomas the Train, building blocks, stacking things... I could do all that for a long time. But now that my son is 6, I find it hard to "get into it" with him. He wants to pretend power rangers or Indiana Jones and I just can't do it. I really dread it when he asks me to play with him because I know he won't be satisfied with a game of Uno or tinkering with Tinker Toys. It's a bit easier with my daughter because I don't have as much trouble playing store or school.
I have lots of guilt about this, but I try to remember that my awesome mom didn't play with us. She cooked with us, read to us and listened to our stories, but play Ghost Busters with us... no way.
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SKL 6-02-2009 @ 1:26PM
I understand why the woman in the story was irritated. I too take my kids to the library toy place so they can interact with other kids. If I want to play toys with them, we can do that at home. Sometimes other kids' parents act like it's wrong for my kids to leave my side and/or approach other kids at the library play area. What is wrong with people?
When my kids came home around a year old, they had no idea what to do with toys, so I did get down and play with them until they understood and the "play" center of their brains clicked on. Now I only get involved where necessary for them to understand what things are for / how they work - and at 2.5, they need very little help with this. They have each other to play with. That's what play is supposed to be - creativity originating from the child's mind, not the mom's. (Sometimes I'm a prop in the kids' play, when I'm invited and to the extent I have time / patience.) What I'm more likely to do is get them involved in what I'm doing in my grown-up world, e.g., let them set the table, help stir the food in the pot, observe wonders of nature, etc. This is also great fun for them but I don't see it as "playing" with my kids.
I don't agree with the premise that a child benefits from a mom's taking on child-play roles. To some extent, that is going to limit the amount of true creativity and initiative that the child contributes to the play experience, and hence the child won't grow as much in those areas. I think that as long as a child has other kids to play with every day, they would benefit more from having parents step back and let their imaginations go. If they do play with their kids, they should let the children lead, and just enjoy the glimpse into their child's mind, rather than trying to inject their own ideas into it.
I have almost no memories of my mom playing with me, yet we had lots of quality time together. In addition, what about the dads? My dad played with us often, but it was always child-led play and necessarily limited in time.
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queenoqueens 6-02-2009 @ 1:28PM
My eldest would ask to play with me all the time since she was only child until the age of 4. She loved Barbies and it never failed that I would fall asleep while playing. Every.Single.Time. I disliked it so much my body would shut down. I did it as much as I could out of guilt, but kids pick up on that too. Not sure what's worse....playing with them when you dislike it, or not playing at all.
I think what the other folks said about sharing other things you both like is the best way to go. And then do what you can to find them playmates that like the same games they do.
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Melissa 6-02-2009 @ 2:22PM
OMG....I don't feel like a terrible mom now! Thanks everyone! I admit it, I can't get down and play with cars or My Little Ponies for more than 20 minutes, and it feels like an eternity! I have an amazing bond with my daughter, but not because I get down on the floor and play....when did that become critical to their emotional well-being?
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damoki 6-02-2009 @ 9:14PM
Well... you guys saved me a lot of time. I mostly agree with the comments so far, especially SKL's 2nd and 3rd paragraphs and the last sentence from Melissa.
How about all of the parents in wheelchairs who never "get down to play" and they are fine parents with equally fine kids. If it works for them.....?
Amy's friend Jenelle, who was pressured into "playing", may want to review her ability to set her own compass.
DaMoKi
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cml3720 6-03-2009 @ 8:35AM
Thanks you so much for this article (and all the comments). I am constanttly harboring guilt for not being a "get-down-on-the-floor-and-play" kind of mom. I work part-time and try to spend some time doing that on the days I do not work, but also need to catch up on domestic duties.
I have found that my son is happy with 15-20 minutes increments of hands-on mommy play most days. In fact, I usually set a timer for "Play time" and "Mommy time" on those days when it feels like a struggle. Somehow having a definite end to the block of time helps me to really focus on what I am doing - playing with him. Without that, I often am physically there, but mentally running down my to-do list.
It is wonderful to know I am not the only one :)
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mommy 6-09-2009 @ 7:02PM
My DD is 16 month. ..:)I thought reading WAS play.. does it count if I sit on the floor?
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Ryanemily 7-15-2009 @ 11:12PM
I feel the same way, I feel terrible. I usually work the whole year, but this year we moved and I couldn't get them into "camp". I feel like I am letting my kids down by not being on the floor with them 24/7. I do love my kids but i feel like I am missing adult interaction and when my husband gets home he is all about the kids, forget about me and then when they go to sleep he is all about the jobs he has to do around the house.
I don't mean to bitch but it is really getting to me. I feel guilty when i have some down time on the computer, I know i shouldn't but I do.