New Book Says That Fatherhood Can Be A 'Misery' For Dads

by Brett Singer (Subscribe to Brett Singer's posts)
Jun 9th 2009 6:00AM

Move over "Bad Mother." Make room for "Bad Father."

According London's "Daily Mail," men are finally speaking up about the sadness they feel when they have kids.

Day Out with Daddy: Celebrity Dads and Kids

Matthew McConaughey
Matthew McConaughey sits in the sand with son Levi on the beach in Malibu. Levi is McConaughey's first child with model/handbag designer girlfriend Camila Alves.

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Tom Brady
The New England Patriots' star quarterback, Tom Brady, visits with his son, John Edward Thomas Moynahan. Mom is Brady's former girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan. Brady married Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen in February 2009 in Los Angeles.

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Matt Damon
Actor Matt Damon gives his daughter, Isabella, a lift at LAX Airport. Damon and his wife, Luciana Barroso, have two daughters together -- Isabella and Gia. Luciana also has a daughter, Alexia, from a previous marriage.

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President Barack Obama
Despite his insanely busy and important schedule, President Barack Obama makes it a point to spend as much time as he can with daughters Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7.

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Brad Pitt
Actor Brad Pitt, who has six children with actress Angelina Jolie, visits the playground with three of their kids -- daughter Zahara, and sons Pax and Maddox. Not pictured are daughter Shiloh and twins Vivienne and Knox.

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Will Smith
Will Smith and two of his children with actress wife Jada Pinkett Smith -- daughter Willow and son Jaden -- enjoy a night out in New York City. Smith also has a third child, son Trey , from his previous marriage to Sheree Zampino.

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Tom Cruise
Actor Tom Cruise walks the streets of Manhattan with his daughter, Suri Cruise; mom is actress Katie Holmes. Tom also has two other children -- daughter Isabella and son Connor -- from his previous marriage to actress Nicole Kidman.

James Devaney, WireImage

Seal
Sexy crooner Seal, seen here playing in the park with one of his sons, has three children with supermodel wife Heidi Klum -- daughter Leni, son Henry and son Johan. The couple recently announced that baby #4 is on the way!

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Gavin Rossdale
Singer Gavin Rossdale hanging out on the slopes with his oldest son, Kingston. Rossdale and his singer/fashion designer wife Gwen Stefani have two sons, Kingston and Zuma.

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Ben Affleck
Actor/director Ben Affleck picks up his oldest daughter, Violet, from school. Ben and his wife, actress Jennifer Garner, have two daughters – Violet Ann Affleck and Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck.

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Becoming a father is supposed to be one of the happiest times of a man's life. And until now, they haven't dared say otherwise. A new genre of confessional literature is breaking the taboo, revealing that many men feel demoralised, depressed or just plain bored when their partner has a baby. Such work is raising awareness that post-natal depression can hit men as well as women.

The "Daily Mail" cites Michael Lewis' new book "Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood" as an example. The article quotes Lewis as saying that he wrote his book "because of this persistent and disturbing gap between what I was meant to feel and what I actually felt. I expected to feel overcome with joy, while instead I often felt only puzzled. I was expected to feel worried when I often felt indifferent. I was expected to feel fascinated when I actually felt bored."

But boredom isn't the worst thing that Lewis felt: "The worst feeling was hatred. I distinctly remember standing on a balcony with her squawking in my arms and wondering what I would do if it wasn't against the law to hurl her off it. A month after Quinn was born, I would have felt only an obligatory sadness if she had been rolled over by a truck. Six months or so later I'd have thrown myself in front of the truck to save her from harm. What happened? What transformed me from a monster into a father?"

There are certainly expectations heaped upon fathers. But they are far less severe than those heaped on mothers. A mother who works, for example, is expected to be able to leave early and attend a school play or soccer game. If she doesn't get there, she's a bad mother. A father who does the same thing is a hero. If he doesn't go to the game, it's less of a big deal. (Frankly, if a mother works at all, she is often made to feel like a failure. Is that ever true of fathers?) On the other side of things, modern feminists like Katie Roiphe can take women to task for focusing too much on their kids. Choose to stay at home? Bad woman. But if a man chooses to be a stay at home dad? He's doing something wonderful. In other words, women are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Society generally gives men far more flexibility in this area.

The most frustrating part of the "Daily Mail" article is this notion that women are somehow wired for parenting and men are not. Author and father Darin Strauss says, "It's different for women. When my son was a minute old, my wife held him up and asked, 'Don't you love him so much?' I didn't really understand how she could ask such a thing. That purple squirming howler? Men, I think, need to be won over."

Maybe that's true for some men. But it's also true of some women. I know a physical therapist who sometimes takes on extra work as a "parenting coach." I asked her what that meant. She said that she would show parents -- usually mothers -- how to play with their kids. Tickling their tummies while changing a diaper, for example. When I told my friend I was surprised that a parent would need that kind of coaching, she said that I shouldn't be. Lots of parents, even women, did not have any idea what to do with a child.

I remember very clearly the first time I held my sons. It was amazing, almost indescribable, especially my oldest, since I had never before experienced the feeling of holding my own child. I hope I never forget what it was like to look into his little face, his little hands... I didn't need to learn how to feel that way. I just did. But I don't think that makes me a better person than someone who looks at their newborn and thinks, "Ew. Slimy." People are different, not just men and women.

As for this "new genre of literature," I think that admitting to having negative feelings about your kids may be a new thing for some dads, but to me, it doesn't seem all that revolutionary. Yes, most parenting books are still very warm and fuzzy. Fathering books, at least the ones that I've read (well, started to read and then become bored with) seem to be more "I wish I could give birth" as opposed to "I'll be in the waiting room with a cigar, call me when the kid pops out." Even children's books seem to be limited to certain types of father. But "revolutionary"? Not so much. In fact, it's very retro. "Maternal love may be instinctive," says Lewis, "but paternal love is learned behaviour." Sounds pretty old-fashioned to me.

What do you think? Are women "wired" for parenting in a way that men aren't?

Brett Singer is the editor-in-chief of DaddyTips.com. You can follow his tweets at Twitter.com/brettsinger.

ReaderComments (Page 1 of 7)

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6-09-2009 @ 12:46PM

reidgator said...

I agree Nate - BULLSHIT!
First, the notion that it is easier/better for Dads than for Moms is not true. Within certain circles (women in particular), the expectations on working mothers may be unrealistic, but for the rest of society, employers especially, mothers have far more leeway. In most situations, if a mom wants to take time off with a new baby, no problem. But dads? Not so easy. The reason why Dad is seen as a "hero" for showing up at a soccer game is because he is expected to place his career (i.e., income) over the kid's activities. For mothers, the expectations are more flexible. Even with new laws giving Dads the same rights, thfre is a double standard. I left a job because I was travelling and away from family too much. Took some time off to "re-connect" with kids. The lapse in employment has become a millstone around my neck. No mother would be crtiicized as much.

6-09-2009 @ 6:26AM

Megan said...

My husband and I became first time parents in March. I have to admit that when the moment came to finally hold my daughter in my arms I thought I would be all teary-eyed. I wasn't, I was actually a little overwhelmed. My husband was over joyed and adored her. Today, I can't live without her. She is the reason I breath and get up each day. Now, my husband is the one who is feeling detached. Working as much as he does, when he comes home he feels overwhelmed. He is the one going through post-partum depression and is seeking help on it. He tries very hard and each day it is getting better. I think everyone is different and it's the kind of situation that you will never know the feeling until it happens to you.

6-09-2009 @ 12:05PM

athomedad1 said...

As a 46 year old at home Dad,who initally thought I was sterile(2 kids later) I can relate to the frustration of raising small children, also the joys involved .I have been the primary care giver as my beautiful wife makes all the money. I have felt anger pain resentment even hatred at times But When my 21/2 year old son says DaDa I love you that does it for me I forget the negatives and have a feeling of love that CANNOT be defined by words To teach my babies how to live in this world with a set of morals and respect for life and others is a gift that I take seriously, and feel priveledged to have .I think those thoughts of selfishness and anger subside along with the last diapers aroma,at least I hope it does for the other men out there

6-09-2009 @ 6:50AM

sundance sally said...

My husband was "wired" to be paternal. Thank God! Because I
had post partum depression after the C-section. Not uncommon
reaction to anesthesia and surgery. We were both overjoyed with
a very much wanted child. Is parenting part instinct and part
learned from our own childhoon experiences? I think so. Each
person is different and the sum of their own life's experiences.
Is parenting and the feelings that go along with it something that
is also learned as you go along? In our experience, yes! To that end some people make the decision never to be parents, because they recognize they just are not parental material on either the
maternal or paternal side! In some cases, they are just too
young yet! imho.

6-09-2009 @ 6:45PM

Kaleign said...

You know, the problem with men (and women) having babies and having problems with post-natal depression and the feelings of "less-than-enthusiasm" probably stems from their being a little too young. Let's face it, we have kids giving birth to kids! How prepared are they to face the challenges of raising a family?? think about it...once upon a time, adults around the age of 22-24 would have their first child. They would be financially and domestically secure enough to be able to support a family. They were old enough to make choices and to be prepared for the possibilities without a great deal of anxiety and fear.
Now, you've got 13-15 year olds giving birth (note, I did not say "getting pregnant") to babies who have no jobs, no home of their own, and, for that matter, not even a car to get around!! Do you HONESTLY think that the prospects of raising a child in that kind of situation DOESN'T bring about those sorts of anxieties and fears??
Add to that the laws the government keeps passing which seem to only serve to restrict the rights of parents to raise the children properly. Sooner or later, the way things are going, it's going to become illegal to have babies without a license.
Now, if government regulations aren't cause for depression, then I don't know what is!

6-09-2009 @ 7:13AM

J Acton said...

This is a put on - or the Gen X or whatever. I am old old - before the baby boomers. I was deleriously happy when all three of my children came into this world and I watched and helped them grow up. Three college degrees later - I am still happy. Went out on a medical early - went out 5 years early (50% pay tax free) and the 3 of them moved in with me to go to college after a divorce. It was one of the most enjoyable times of my life.

6-09-2009 @ 1:21PM

Gabby said...

My Father was more of a parent than my mom, he raised me all alone, working & doing the daddy thing. My mom became a trucker when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade & still is til this day I'm 25. I still don't see her often & miss her deeply.

6-09-2009 @ 7:07AM

bleevinmiracles said...

my daughter..my first and only biological child..was a "blessed mistake"...my two stepdaughters, whom we had custody of, were enough for both of us as I had fallen in love with them four years before..my husband had done most of their early care and was very attached to them and when the third popped up when they were 12 and 13, my husband had a this one is yours attitude that terrified me until the moment they handed her to him in the delivery room and she owned him..eleven years later she still does...my husband has always gotten it with all of the girls and though the teen years were bumpy and the twenties a little too busy and distant ...he has always loved and cherished each of them

Douglas said...

Hard to tell. I know a woman who had a child while being married with another married man. She has yet to tell her son who his biological father is and there are medical problems with one of the biological fathers children. Her son just had a baby. I think women can be just as bad for children as men. Or just as unhappy having them. Should she ever tell her son who his biological father is? I think it totally unfair to keep this child in the dark because of said possible medical problems with not only his new child but future children. I'd like some feedback. Oldknight@aol.com

6-09-2009 @ 7:19AM

I think most men don't care for their partner's motherhood more than minding fatherhood...most of us become so enthralled with our children we put husband on the back burner for awhile and they lose that star status in our life that alot of times doesn't return until the youngest leaves home for the last time (after college) if at all..my husband works like a crazy person so I got to stay home and play with our kids all day and try my best to spoil him for the privilege..50's life, I know, but it is good for us

soulcage said...

That "wired for motherhood" feeling comes from carrying a parasite in your body for nine months. This little invader who kicks and punches from the inside out leaving only a mother's limbs left for herself to control takes possession over everything else including the mind. Then after nearly a year of internal squatting, pops out in pain and we all say " WhooPEE!!!". Men are indeed overwhelmed. Now they are the sole provider for all these people who stay home and coo at each other while he goes out caveman style and beats the bushes for food and shelter even harder than before. Fatherhood is generally forced on men (what choice do you guys have when a woman decides?) and we all wonder why they are distant after birth. What's the shock? Men are left out of the decision to have a family the majority of the time. Women just don't get it...or, don't want to understand it.

This is coming from a grandmother...just in case you are all wondering. If parenting a child these days doesn't scare you, then you have no sense at all to begin with.

6-09-2009 @ 9:39AM

Kristin said...

I don't think parenthood is forced on the father "most of the time". It is the man's "choice" to sign away his parental rights if he doesn't want to deal with it.

6-10-2009 @ 7:50AM

cammy said...

Soulcage,
First of all, anyone who would call a child a parasite, is f'd up. I don't know what kind of 'grandmother' you are, or if you even really are, but for God's sake, I hope you're joking.........and your just the usual beer-drinking woman hater. Men are overwhelmed? You don't think that having this so-called 'parasite' in your body for 9 months, ripping and clawing it's way out, as it stretches your body and vagina to capacity, is a little overwhelming and stressful? I'm so sorry that men HAVE TO WORK to help support their family and have to be the sole supporter for a year and a half or so (as most women do go back to work, along with all the other motherhood and womenly duties that they are still required to perform between 8 hour shifts at their job). Give me a break. You are absolutely ridiculous to say that "fatherhood is generally forced upon men". What world do you live in? In many cultures, women are married off immediately after they start to bleed and are expected to become baby making machines, and attentive wives to men 20 years older than them. In Western cultures, your ridiculous comment makes no sense as well. Men have the responsibility (if they don't want a child) to take the proper precautions before throwing their seed around. If they choose not to, because A) It just doesn't feel as good, or B) They are in too much of a hurry, or C) Just don't feel it's necessary, then who is to blame? You seem to want to make men seem like helpless invalids who are constantly used for sex and fatherhood. Honey, they have minds of their own (which they may not happen to use all the time when the prospect of a possible vagina is placed in front of them), but nonetheless, they can say no. They can say no, just as the millions of women each year who are raped and end up pregnant and "FORCED INTO MOTHERHOODD", said "no" while they were being violated.

"Men are left out of the decision to have a family the majority of the time" Your idiocy blows my mind. But yeah, we get it. Men are taken advantage of, sexually all the time by their evil wives, mistresses, girlfriends, one-night stands, hookers, etc. Men are ALWAYS responsible when it comes to safe sex and women just haplessly throw their vagina around like a toy. The 12 year old girls who are forced to marry adult men in cultures all over the world, including right here in the US, are evil as well. It of course, is their decision to become baby making machines, as they take advantage of the poor ADULT men they are forced to lie with. And for the millions of evil, plotting women who are raped and become pregnant each year, it was obviously their idea all along to trap the poor man who violated them into being a father. Yeah, you are right, men pretty much have no say in being a father. When will these evil women get it?

Lady, Man, Grandma, or whatever you are.........buy a f'n clue!!

6-09-2009 @ 10:01AM

jessmarroyo said...

If they had sex with the woman, and they know where babies come from, they were not "left out" of the decision. If they don't want babies, they know what not to do. They're not idiots, or victims.

Sacrificing for your children's well-being is an honor, whether you're working to provide for them or carrying them in your womb. Again, if you don't want "parasitic invaders" disrupting your life for the relatively short nine months you nurture, shelter, protect, and keep these creatures close to your heart, you know how to avoid it.

Or should everyone have all the fun but none of the responsibility?

And, I did not spend every moment cooing over my kids. I wiped up poop and vomit, wrangled daily tantrums (hourly on certain days), nursed them when goo was coming out of every orifice, stayed up late nights when they were sick/ bored/ afraid, spent half my day breastfeeding, cleaned up their messes, and made countless meals and then cleaned them off the floor and the child. I bought the clothes, paid the bills, boiled the bottles, administered the medicine, bought the groceries, changed the clothes and the sheets, and did the laundry, cleaning, ironing, and cooking.

That's work. My husband wouldn't have wanted to trade places with me. We are a partnership. He makes the money that feeds and sustains us, and in return I run the house and raise his children, which he honors me for because he sees them for the blessings they are, and I gave them to him through the difficulty of childbirth. It seems like a fair trade to me. We love our children, we are happy to make sacrifices for them, and I wouldn't change a thing.

6-09-2009 @ 11:04AM

Sara said...

I hope you don't tell your children they were a squatting parasite.

I hurt for them.

6-09-2009 @ 11:29PM

JakeZK said...

Excuse me, did you just call a human being a parasite?
And you call yourself a "grandmother"?

6-09-2009 @ 7:34AM

jan said...

I believe that anyone who dares to impose their feelings on a child is abuse. Structure is the only thing a child needs to grow up independent and sound. When a parent believes that a child belongs to them and controls their every behavior is a bully. A child needs a parent to be there in whatever capacity and will adapt to any conditions that need be. Single parenting is not necessarily appreciated by the child, but in this time, single parenting is the norm. Children that have both parents are blessed. How we have let outside influences direct us in parenting is definitely not the way to go. These so called "protective agents" or even nosy friends have no say in how a parent leads or guides their little charges. It is a GOD given right to be a parent and those of us who are parents need to defend our rights as parents and leave the kids out of it!

6-09-2009 @ 9:19AM

jezebele said...

so God didn't give me the right because I'd be a bad mother?

6-09-2009 @ 7:35AM

RingoLad said...

I agree with Nate: BULLSHIT.

If I knew being a father was going to be this much fun, this much joy, my wife and I would have started earlier than we did. Just because the author spoke with a bunch of selfish, childish, regressive men about fatherhood does not mean that the rest of us fall into that category.

6-09-2009 @ 1:53PM

Joe said...

Bravo RingoLad,
I am 53 yrs old Have fathered 4 great kids that I have actively raised with my wife. I am now involved with my 1 yr old grandchild and the feeling is even more heightened than before. the love I feel for him is overwhelming. More men are great fathers than you think.

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