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Move over "Bad Mother." Make room for "Bad Father."
According London's "Daily Mail," men are finally speaking up about the sadness they feel when they have kids.
Becoming a father is supposed to be one of the happiest times of a man's life. And until now, they haven't dared say otherwise. A new genre of confessional literature is breaking the taboo, revealing that many men feel demoralised, depressed or just plain bored when their partner has a baby. Such work is raising awareness that post-natal depression can hit men as well as women.
The "Daily Mail" cites Michael Lewis' new book "Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood" as an example. The article quotes Lewis as saying that he wrote his book "because of this persistent and disturbing gap between what I was meant to feel and what I actually felt. I expected to feel overcome with joy, while instead I often felt only puzzled. I was expected to feel worried when I often felt indifferent. I was expected to feel fascinated when I actually felt bored."
But boredom isn't the worst thing that Lewis felt: "The worst feeling was hatred. I distinctly remember standing on a balcony with her squawking in my arms and wondering what I would do if it wasn't against the law to hurl her off it. A month after Quinn was born, I would have felt only an obligatory sadness if she had been rolled over by a truck. Six months or so later I'd have thrown myself in front of the truck to save her from harm. What happened? What transformed me from a monster into a father?"
There are certainly expectations heaped upon fathers. But they are far less severe than those heaped on mothers. A mother who works, for example, is expected to be able to leave early and attend a school play or soccer game. If she doesn't get there, she's a bad mother. A father who does the same thing is a hero. If he doesn't go to the game, it's less of a big deal. (Frankly, if a mother works at all, she is often made to feel like a failure. Is that ever true of fathers?) On the other side of things, modern feminists like Katie Roiphe can take women to task for focusing too much on their kids. Choose to stay at home? Bad woman. But if a man chooses to be a stay at home dad? He's doing something wonderful. In other words, women are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Society generally gives men far more flexibility in this area.
The most frustrating part of the "Daily Mail" article is this notion that women are somehow wired for parenting and men are not. Author and father Darin Strauss says, "It's different for women. When my son was a minute old, my wife held him up and asked, 'Don't you love him so much?' I didn't really understand how she could ask such a thing. That purple squirming howler? Men, I think, need to be won over."
Maybe that's true for some men. But it's also true of some women. I know a physical therapist who sometimes takes on extra work as a "parenting coach." I asked her what that meant. She said that she would show parents -- usually mothers -- how to play with their kids. Tickling their tummies while changing a diaper, for example. When I told my friend I was surprised that a parent would need that kind of coaching, she said that I shouldn't be. Lots of parents, even women, did not have any idea what to do with a child.
I remember very clearly the first time I held my sons. It was amazing, almost indescribable, especially my oldest, since I had never before experienced the feeling of holding my own child. I hope I never forget what it was like to look into his little face, his little hands... I didn't need to learn how to feel that way. I just did. But I don't think that makes me a better person than someone who looks at their newborn and thinks, "Ew. Slimy." People are different, not just men and women.
As for this "new genre of literature," I think that admitting to having negative feelings about your kids may be a new thing for some dads, but to me, it doesn't seem all that revolutionary. Yes, most parenting books are still very warm and fuzzy. Fathering books, at least the ones that I've read (well, started to read and then become bored with) seem to be more "I wish I could give birth" as opposed to "I'll be in the waiting room with a cigar, call me when the kid pops out." Even children's books seem to be limited to certain types of father. But "revolutionary"? Not so much. In fact, it's very retro. "Maternal love may be instinctive," says Lewis, "but paternal love is learned behaviour." Sounds pretty old-fashioned to me.
What do you think? Are women "wired" for parenting in a way that men aren't?
Brett Singer is the editor-in-chief of DaddyTips.com. You can follow his tweets at Twitter.com/brettsinger.
According London's "Daily Mail," men are finally speaking up about the sadness they feel when they have kids.
Day Out with Daddy: Celebrity Dads and Kids
Matthew McConaughey
Matthew McConaughey sits in the sand with son Levi on the beach in Malibu. Levi is McConaughey's first child with model/handbag designer girlfriend Camila Alves.
X17online.com
Tom Brady
The New England Patriots' star quarterback, Tom Brady, visits with his son, John Edward Thomas Moynahan. Mom is Brady's former girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan. Brady married Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen in February 2009 in Los Angeles.
Revolutionpix / Fame Pictures
Matt Damon
Actor Matt Damon gives his daughter, Isabella, a lift at LAX Airport. Damon and his wife, Luciana Barroso, have two daughters together -- Isabella and Gia. Luciana also has a daughter, Alexia, from a previous marriage.
Bauer-Griffin
President Barack Obama
Despite his insanely busy and important schedule, President Barack Obama makes it a point to spend as much time as he can with daughters Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7.
Getty Images
Brad Pitt
Actor Brad Pitt, who has six children with actress Angelina Jolie, visits the playground with three of their kids -- daughter Zahara, and sons Pax and Maddox. Not pictured are daughter Shiloh and twins Vivienne and Knox.
James Devaney, WireImage
Will Smith
Will Smith and two of his children with actress wife Jada Pinkett Smith -- daughter Willow and son Jaden -- enjoy a night out in New York City. Smith also has a third child, son Trey , from his previous marriage to Sheree Zampino.
Eric Charbonneau, Le Studio/Wireimage
Tom Cruise
Actor Tom Cruise walks the streets of Manhattan with his daughter, Suri Cruise; mom is actress Katie Holmes. Tom also has two other children -- daughter Isabella and son Connor -- from his previous marriage to actress Nicole Kidman.
James Devaney, WireImage
Seal
Sexy crooner Seal, seen here playing in the park with one of his sons, has three children with supermodel wife Heidi Klum -- daughter Leni, son Henry and son Johan. The couple recently announced that baby #4 is on the way!
Bauer-Griffin
Gavin Rossdale
Singer Gavin Rossdale hanging out on the slopes with his oldest son, Kingston. Rossdale and his singer/fashion designer wife Gwen Stefani have two sons, Kingston and Zuma.
Michael Buckner, Getty Images
Ben Affleck
Actor/director Ben Affleck picks up his oldest daughter, Violet, from school. Ben and his wife, actress Jennifer Garner, have two daughters – Violet Ann Affleck and Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck.
Bauer-Griffin
Becoming a father is supposed to be one of the happiest times of a man's life. And until now, they haven't dared say otherwise. A new genre of confessional literature is breaking the taboo, revealing that many men feel demoralised, depressed or just plain bored when their partner has a baby. Such work is raising awareness that post-natal depression can hit men as well as women.
The "Daily Mail" cites Michael Lewis' new book "Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood" as an example. The article quotes Lewis as saying that he wrote his book "because of this persistent and disturbing gap between what I was meant to feel and what I actually felt. I expected to feel overcome with joy, while instead I often felt only puzzled. I was expected to feel worried when I often felt indifferent. I was expected to feel fascinated when I actually felt bored."
But boredom isn't the worst thing that Lewis felt: "The worst feeling was hatred. I distinctly remember standing on a balcony with her squawking in my arms and wondering what I would do if it wasn't against the law to hurl her off it. A month after Quinn was born, I would have felt only an obligatory sadness if she had been rolled over by a truck. Six months or so later I'd have thrown myself in front of the truck to save her from harm. What happened? What transformed me from a monster into a father?"
There are certainly expectations heaped upon fathers. But they are far less severe than those heaped on mothers. A mother who works, for example, is expected to be able to leave early and attend a school play or soccer game. If she doesn't get there, she's a bad mother. A father who does the same thing is a hero. If he doesn't go to the game, it's less of a big deal. (Frankly, if a mother works at all, she is often made to feel like a failure. Is that ever true of fathers?) On the other side of things, modern feminists like Katie Roiphe can take women to task for focusing too much on their kids. Choose to stay at home? Bad woman. But if a man chooses to be a stay at home dad? He's doing something wonderful. In other words, women are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Society generally gives men far more flexibility in this area.
The most frustrating part of the "Daily Mail" article is this notion that women are somehow wired for parenting and men are not. Author and father Darin Strauss says, "It's different for women. When my son was a minute old, my wife held him up and asked, 'Don't you love him so much?' I didn't really understand how she could ask such a thing. That purple squirming howler? Men, I think, need to be won over."
I remember very clearly the first time I held my sons. It was amazing, almost indescribable, especially my oldest, since I had never before experienced the feeling of holding my own child. I hope I never forget what it was like to look into his little face, his little hands... I didn't need to learn how to feel that way. I just did. But I don't think that makes me a better person than someone who looks at their newborn and thinks, "Ew. Slimy." People are different, not just men and women.
As for this "new genre of literature," I think that admitting to having negative feelings about your kids may be a new thing for some dads, but to me, it doesn't seem all that revolutionary. Yes, most parenting books are still very warm and fuzzy. Fathering books, at least the ones that I've read (well, started to read and then become bored with) seem to be more "I wish I could give birth" as opposed to "I'll be in the waiting room with a cigar, call me when the kid pops out." Even children's books seem to be limited to certain types of father. But "revolutionary"? Not so much. In fact, it's very retro. "Maternal love may be instinctive," says Lewis, "but paternal love is learned behaviour." Sounds pretty old-fashioned to me.
What do you think? Are women "wired" for parenting in a way that men aren't?
Brett Singer is the editor-in-chief of DaddyTips.com. You can follow his tweets at Twitter.com/brettsinger.
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 7)
6-09-2009 @ 12:18PM
Sharon said...Miller-McCune magazine just published a story on the benefits of the daddy brain. New research shows that fatherhood can make you a better man. While men don't endure the pangs of childbirth, studies show they get some of the same cognitive and physical benefits from their own altered biochemistry, which occurs once the baby arrives.
Check it out here.
http://www.miller-mccune.com/health/benefits-of-the-daddy-brain-1097
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 12:28PM
Suzanne said...Women and men are not wired differently; they are responding to societal expectations and cues. I am a woman who has absolutely no desire to be mother and feels no special warmth at the sight of a child or the thought of one of my own. On the other hand, I know men who can't wait for father hood and love to gush over anyone's adorable brood. It is not a matter of gender, but rather of individual personality.
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 12:46PM
Terri said...So, basically, what they're saying is that men are immature and need to grow the "f" up. That's news? I feel sorry for women who are married to grown men who want (EXPECT) to be treated like they're little boys forever.
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 12:44PM
S said...Michael, you are absolutely right. Many men feel left out because their wives take on so much of the responsibility (voluntarily), that when they try to participate they're "doing it wrong". My advice to any man that has this problem is simple: Do something that mom doesn't do. While it is likely your kid does everyday things with their mother, it is also likely that there is something your child would like to do that their mother doesn't want to or hasn't done yet. Take your kid on a hike, ride bikes, watch a movie a week. Something that Mom doesn't do. Even the little rituals (reading to them before they go to bed, making pancakes on the weekend) are things that will stick with them
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 6:18PM
reidgator said...Also, Dads, do not be afraid to tell the mother: "Excuse me. I am a daddy. I am not a 'male' mommy. Do not expect me to do things like a mommy!"
Reply
6-10-2009 @ 1:42AM
el said...Let's see how long you will last. Because it's just a matter of time before you walk out the door. Just remember child support checks don't equal fatherhood. Good luck in playing the daddy role.
6-12-2009 @ 1:20PM
reidgator said...El, normally I ignore a post as stupid and bigotted as your's is, but, for the sake of other readers:
I have 3 kids, the oldest is 19! And, I am still here. In fact, I quit my last job two years ago because I was away (too much travel). I am now the "stay-at-home" parent!
6-09-2009 @ 12:56PM
Crystal said...I think this article is completely ridiculous! My husband and I did not plan our first born.... I was terrified but he was a calm in the storm for me. You see all his life he has wanted a family. Kids and a wife who loved him and he could have the honor of loving and caring for... Whenever I worried over something that could happen or what kind of mother I would be he calmed me. No we didn't plan this child but he loved it even though he had not met him. He was with me for every Dr.'s appointment he could make and all the important ones ( my first one, the ultrasound hearing the heart for the first time). He was in Tennessee driving an 18 wheeler when I went into the hospital with pre-eclampsia and was told both me and my little baby could die if we weren't treated then. He drove 6 hours to Radford, VA and my folks drove 5 or 6 hours there to pick him up and then straight back to my hospital room where he did not leave my side! He was there helping me and counting as I tried to push the baby out, he was in the Operating room when I ended up having the c-section. I saw the look in his eyes when he looked at our firstborn and held him for the first time. I was new to motherhood and he had helped raise a stepdaughter and a nephew. When OUR child came into our room that night and for the first three nights thereafter MY HUSBAND did diaper changes because I couldn't move without hurting. He has never stopped working his butt off either.
Like I said we didn't plan him but once he knew this child was coming he was just as excited as I was, more so at times. He always thought I was beautiful pregnant when I thought of myself as a ugly cow!
We actually were trying to have our second child and he was just as excited over this little boy as he was our first. His only fears about it was based off of my previous pregnancy where I had gestiational diabetes and pre-eclampsia. I ended up having gestational diabetes again and it was controlled by insulin shots. He was always calling me to check and make sure I had checked my blood sugar and taken my insulin. This is HIS child and HIS wife he didn't want anything to happen to either of them.
I could not be the mother I am today for either of my children without their loving father!
Men always have a choice in the matter... There are always options... But I can't help but think of an old commercial "Anyone can be a father but it takes a MAN to be a Dad!"
It is perfectly normal to have fears of what kind of parent you will be and yes we still have those fears because for me everything is new and a first but its what you do and how you act that forms your kids. I know my husband will be the role model and Dad these boys need.
Heck my husband has even said something about trying one more time a couple years for his "little girl" he wants so badly!
This is taking a fews opinions and trying to make it stand for the whole! Every man I know feels blessed to have their kids! Not one of them has EVER expressed not wanting them and feeling anger towards them for taking their number 1 spot!
I also think it is wrong to classify those of us under 40 as spoiled and rotten and bad parents. I am teaching my children right from wrong! I don't care to be number 1 in anyones eyes but I still am because me and my husband are number 1 in our kids eyes and they are all that really matter to me!
Don't judge me because of my age or anything like that judge me based off the fact that my kids are healthy, wel nourished and well adjusted. They will know what is okay and what is not. They WILL make their own mistakes cause mommy and daddy can't protect them from everything. But we will do our best! And it is not wrong for our parents to have made us feel special. Children are special and they should know that! They mean the world to their parents. My parents think I am even more special now because I am not only their baby but also a mommy to their grandbabies!
LoL althought my mom has said if she knew grandkids were this much fun she would have had them first!
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 1:05PM
tee said...I think a man thinks of fatherhood being a 'misery'when it comes to what he receives in the end. You have men who will try their best to share in the time with the child understanding that a baby requires alot of attention and YES their'special'needs are going to have to go on the backburner for a while. You also have men who are selfish enough to start complaining and starting fights and such...also using that time where the child gets his mothers devotion to the point he feels neglected which 99.9% of the time is a lack of sex complaint...gives that as reason for adultery and any other mistakes made.
Truth is mothers and fathers feel misery when it comes to parenthood...neither should get more special treatment than the other in the matter. Children require their parent(s)attention,love and care,even with planned parenthood...I think everyone gets sooo caught up in the "NEW BABY"craze they forget to truly discuss and brace themselves the mental preparation needed for the stress that comes with that baby.
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 1:09PM
Hello said...As I read this article, I can appreciate, even as a female, the conflicted feelings described. However, in dealing with a 18-year-old female high school senior, the roles are now reversed. While my husband agonizes over our inability to connect with our daughter, I, on the other hand, am ready to toss her out of the nest.
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 2:43PM
Kerrie said...I understand! You have probably done all the work to raise your lovely daughter and you are tired and ready to take care of yourself for a change. Now your husband is worrying whether he has done enough for her for her to be willing to take care of him when he is old. Seen this situation in my own experience (times 6 wonderful children, including myself and my sister and our 4 children!)
6-09-2009 @ 1:09PM
Corkfish said...A lot of men are passionate about having children and that's great. But, I think that most men have kids because "that's what you're supposed to do". Everyone else is doing it. Right? Try finding a mate and telling her you don' want kids. Won't happen unless you find that 1% of females who don't want a child. Since most men are afraid of being alone, they just go along with it. I'm not jealous of my married friends, but many of them are jealous of me. Judging by the anger in response to the mere suggestion that a man could regret having children, seems to me there's a lot of sub-concious buyers remorse out there! I couldn't be happier that I never had kids.
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 4:17PM
Brenda said...Yes! I do think women are wired for parenting in a way that men are not. This doesn't mean that all women can "feel" for their newborn right away; I think that takes time just like it does for men. And this is the reason I cannot understand why our society does not encourage the option of adoption for unwanted pregnancies. But that's another topic. When you are a parent of little boys and little girls, you can see the inborn tendencies of the little girls to gravitate toward their dolls and the little boys toward their footballs and cars; it is not learned, it is very natural without any encouragement. We have definitely noticed a difference of interests with our little boy compared to our girls. You also notice in public when you have a baby how women always notice the baby and ooh and aah over the baby while men virtually ignore a baby. So in conclusion, yes girls, and then women, are wired to be parents and definitely do have that maternal instinct, even if it might take time to kick in after the birth. For those women you read about in the news like Casey Anthony, they have suppressed their maternal instinct and have behaved in an unnatural way but obviously, this is rare. Men do develop their naturally protective paternal instinct but I really think for men, they have a need to protect and provide for their babies more than they have a need to nurture, even though of course, they do eventually learn to nurture.
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 1:19PM
laura said...what farmer regrets reaping what he has sown?
blessings are what children are around your table...raise them right and care for them now; they will remain with you or return to you and care for you in your old age
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 1:30PM
DrummerDude said...yeah i really think this article really misses the mark for a lot of people.....one person can't really sum it up for the way everybody feels about having a child.....and it said that some find it boring.......all i have to say is that if you just had a kid and it's boring, you're sure as hell not doing something right lol, it's a nonstop job!!!!!!! but anyway, it seems like a lot of the depression would come from the fact that the men (as well as women who for one reason or another cannot be there to raise the child from the start) who have to work or go to school to get a good career to pay for the child's needs, aren't there to do their biggest job: be a parent.....that would seem to me at least to be a normal reaction.......you just brought this beautiful child into the world and now you can't see it grow & learn........that's probably why so many men are getting depressed about it, because now they love having a child, but they have to work a crap-load of hours to provide for it; but now they never get to see the kid or help it learn, or to be around for those "baby's first" kind of moments (among other parenting milestones for their children), that to parents are priceless. And they i think among other things resent that.....i don't know, that's just my take on it.
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 1:37PM
Fiona Mackenzie said...People feel what they feel. Denial or self-judgment doesn't change that, just makes them feel the same things--plus guilt. Just remember, if you don't toss the kid off the balcony when you feel like it, you are O.K.
My husband and son both had the experience, when they saw their first child, of something like a relay connecting in their brains, and they were forever changed. Sometimes it happens that way, sometimes not. We knew fathers who saw their kids as inexplicable creatures for whom they felt little until they were about eight, and could throw a ball or hike--for them, paternal love happened a lot like male bonding. But they caught up; a couple of years later, you couldn't tell the difference.
After my second child was born, I was appalled to realize that I didn't feel about her anything like I did about the first. It was a mistake to plan a second child, I thought--unfair to the first, who had to share, and unfair to her to be born into a family where she was obviously less welcome.
When she was six months old, I looked back and said to myself, "What was I THINKING?" Of course, by then the doubts were history, life without her was unimaginable, and I easily recognized that first month as merely an artifact of the circumstance, of getting to know and love the newer person as well as the elder.
Reply
6-13-2009 @ 7:00PM
life's complicated said...might be time for taking another look at the groundbreaking classic by Adrienne Rich: Of Woman Born.
men might find they can relate to alot of it while having missed alot of what their own moms, wives, girlfriends and partners might have covered up and feared revealing themselves....
fft
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 1:44PM
Tina said...Some people are great with kids and others shouldn't have reproductive organs! I know one mother who divorced her husband because she wanted to be with someone else, ripped the family apart, lied to the kids, kept them from their father on purpose and jacked around his medical by taking the girls to the DR for any reason possible. She also withheld Christmas presents and birthday presents when the girls got older and went to live with their father. She married and divorced 4 times and had kids with some of them but NONE are living with her. They all left to live with their fathers. She's a phony leech that doesn't deserve those girls but they turned out great thanks to their father! My cousin married him a few years ago and she's been more of a mother than their biological mother ever was!
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 1:51PM
Tina said...I think fatherhood and motherhood is hard period.
Reply
6-09-2009 @ 1:57PM
RAG said...My daughter is the best thing to come into both my husband and my life. My husband lost his mother prior to us finding out we were having a child. We were told that for us to have children would be very difficult, 9 Months to the exact date of his mother's passing our beautiful angel was born. During the pregnancy my husband developed a heart condition, the job he had was very stressful and we made the decision to that he would step back in his career and I would move forward in mine. Upon the arrival of my daughter I was reluctant to even go back to work but knowing financially we had no choice I did. My husband who took on a 9-3 job stepped up to the plate and became the best dad, he does all the daycare drop-off and pick up, takes her lessons after school, cooks, cleans and does the laundry. We split the sick time and days off from daycare evenly. I often feel guilty that I am not always there and get to see the things he does, my job is demanding and can be 7 days a week morning to night, but I also feel good knowing that her dad is there to care for her when I can not be, it certainly was a different story when I grew up.
Reply