When Parents Give In To Peer Pressure

I'm more curious about why your 8-year-old can't watch any PG movies. Even with you? Not even movies like Madagascar, or Up, or Kung Fu Panda, or Matilda? I mean, we're careful about what our 6-year-old watches, but there are a lot of great PG movies out there.

Reply

I'm with Greta on that no PG movies thing, too...my daughter is 3 and a half and she watches PG movies with me....even some (gasp) PG-13 movies are ok for her (she loves the Harry Potter and Pirates of the Carribean movies!)....as for the make-up issue, twelve is a little young to be wearing dark eyeliner, just because "all the other girls do"....clear or "nude" lipgloss is ok, but anything beyond that is just over-sexualizing the kid in my opinion. My cousin is 9 and she always wants to wear lipgloss and her dad says "no, you can wear chapstick." I think that's great for a 9 year old....12 year olds are almost teenagers, they want to grow up, and letting them wear a little lip gloss is ok....dark eyeliner, or any kind of eyeliner for that matter, not so much.

Reply

I believe there are two different concepts here. One is that which 8 year olds are permitted to be exposed to (PG movies, et al), and the other is that which 8 year olds are permitted to expose to others (their face, body, etc.).

A major point of parenting is to help children learn to make good decisions for themselves. This involves developing and listening to their internal voice more than the external voices of others in the areas of values, morals, integrity, and makeup... yes makeup. I agree with the Melissa's comment about the restriction on eyeliner for that age. But what may be more important is to explain why you feel that way, because it is less about what your put on your face, and more about why. And, of course, set the example.

There is another consideration here: you may want to prepare your child for the reactions of her "friends" to her lack of conformity to the herd. This is a real problem of which you must be aware and address. If you restrict your child's conformity to her or his peers, you will be doing them no favors by adopting the "just say no" or "because I said so" stance... they will be out there all alone with no tools or backup; your love and rules are simply not enough.

Nevertheless, set reasonable standards, expectations, and consequences, then follow through with consistency. You may be surprised to find there are times, often many, when your child is relieved to be restricted from participation "by her parents".

DaMoKi

Reply

no pg movies? how is that possible? the only movie ive ever seen that wasnt pg AT LEAST was march of the penguins- and im not even sure what that was really rated.

Reply

Greta and Melissa - great job in illustrating the entire point that Sandy is trying to make!! Applause, applause!

Sandy stated her family's rule - no PG movies for her 8 year old. That's the house rule. Just because YOU don't agree with it doesn't mean she should change that rule. If you want to let your kids watch PG, PG-13... heck X-rated movies, that's your decision and your responsibility. It's not up to you to convince Ms. Maple that her rule for her family is wrong because it doesn't mesh with yours. Nice job illustrating the whole issue of peer pressure.

The argument holds over all of the values we outline for our families: which movies to watch, which music to listen to, whether we breast-feed, spank, or allow our daughters to wear make-up. The family's rules come before society's rules. If I don't want my son getting a piercing, I don't care WHAT his friends say, the rule in our family is, "you don't put holes in your body until you are living under your own roof paying your own way."

That mom over at that other blog needs to understand that there is a higher conflict at issue here - whether she is going to teach her daughter to stand on her principals, or give in to the whims of the crowd. I guarantee, if she lives with her own values and her own principals, she will be much happier and safer in the long run.

Reply

Giving in to peer pressure for any reason is certainly not going to help one's daughter learn to fight it.

It's a fine line between "stick to your principals" and "stick to your parents' principals," but "everyone else's kid is allowed" certainly doesn't work.

I would first honestly tell my child why I don't want to see her walking down the street with dark eyeliner on. At 12, she is beautiful, and far more beautiful without painting her face. A child of that age who paints her face looks ridiculous. That's the truth as I see it, and I have no problem sharing that with my daughters.

Applying make-up is a skill that requires maturity and practice (in private). Inevitably the girls who are just learning it put too much on and appear like miniature prostitutes. I would allow my daughters to get together with their friends and practice with make-up along with a responsible adult, who would honestly tell them what is "too much." Then they would have to wash it off before going out in public, until they really learn how to do it right. They'd still have to be at least 13 (preferably older) before I'd let them out of the house with any fake color on their faces.

But surely I'll get some push-back from the girls, so after they've listened to my opinion, I will ask them to explain to me why they think they should be painting their faces. I will listen openly and write down their answers, and then respond in a way that hopefully helps them to think for themselves. And hopefully this will help them to deal better with the "pressures" they encounter in school. (Though I have to wonder exactly what this "pressure" is. Is it simply seeing a few "popular" girls doing it and wondering if that's cool? Or do kids actually go up to each other during fifth period and say "how come you're not wearing eyeliner like me?" The latter certainly never happened to me.)

As far as the PG movies, I say more power to ya. I am dismayed at some of the stuff I see in today's G movies. There is plenty of time for kids to be exposed to truly worthwhile movies. My rule of thumb is, if the girls are not old enough to have a meaningful chat about the questionable subjects to be shown, then they can wait to see the movie. Every child is different, hence the whole point of avoiding "peer pressure."

Reply

Obviously rules that work in some families don't work in all families, but peer pressure will always be around and sometimes it's not really "pressure" as much as kids just wanting to fit in with what they see happening with their peers. No kid wants to be different at that age and "because I said so" often doesn't cut it. When my now 14 year old noticed that 4th graders were tarting themselves up with full warpaint, she asked to wear makeup. No way. But we let her wear clear lip gloss for school concerts & such that required "dressing up". When she hit 6th grade (middle school) she asked again and I said "not until 8th grade" except for tinted lip gloss. We started letting her wear minimal eyeshadow for performances and dances in 7th grade and finally let her wear it to school in 8th grade. She's involved in drama so she's learned how to apply it without looking ridiculous. We still said "no" to mascara until she could do it without poking her eye out or looking like a racoon. Still no eyeliner until her 8th grade graduation the other day (which I applied). My 16 year old could care less what anyone else is doing and still doesn't wear makeup unless her younger sister puts it on her for something special.

Our biggest problem with peer pressure was when to let them get cell phones. I finally decided to say that when at least half of their friends had cell phones we'd let them too. But it had to be their actual friends that they hang out with all the time - not just any random people at school. We had this conversation at the 4th grade level as well. The cell phone didn't end up happening until the oldest was in 8th grade. The younger one got hers Christmas of 7th grade instead of later too because the phone was free. Of course by then she was the last kid in her crowd to get one because I really did try to hold out until 8th grade. Though now I don't know why I bothered because most days the phones sit at home anyway.

I too am curious as to why Sandy doesn't allow PG movies. There are some terrific PG movies out there as well as not so good and some really, really bad G movies. I'm not trying to change her mind with peer pressure but just understand her reasoning. It's relatively easy to find out enough about a movie ahead of time so a parent can judge a movie's appropriateness for themselves regardless of its rating or what other parents are letting their kids watch. I've seen some real stinkers that I wouldn't recommend to anyone of any age and the movie's rating never came into play.

Reply

One comment I forgot to make is this. No one should condemn someone for not letting their kids watch a PG movie. After all, PG means "parental guidance suggested" which is exactly what Sandy is doing. But knowing that most movies targeted to kids older than preschool age end up with at least a PG rating (if not PG-13), I can only imagine the difficulties they must face in trying to find something to watch at the theater or video store.

Reply