Would You Hire A Manny?

by Amy Hatch (Subscribe to Amy Hatch's posts) Jun 12th 2009 3:00PM

Categories: Playground Bureau, Childcare

Some mothers say they could never trust a male babysitter. Image: sxc.hu

Is gender a factor when you choose a child-care provider? That's the question on the mind of "Boston Globe Magazine" writer Lylah M. Alphonse, who asks exactly how we can expect our husbands to be hands-on dads if we don't trust men with our children.

Alphonse has a point, but babysitting, day care centers and nursery schools are traditionally dominated by women. This "social norm" has become the dominant paradigm for childcare in the United States, says Joe Keeley, founder of College Nannies & Tutors, and a former "manny" himself.

"Many parents never had a male babysitter or nanny as children, so therefore do not think of males when it comes time to find a caregiver for their own children," says Keeley. "However, College Nannies & Tutors has seen an increase in families not only being open to a male, but specifically requesting them."

I asked a few women I know whether or not they'd be open to having a male nanny or babysitter, and the responses were divided right down the middle. Roughly half the moms I polled said they would be more than open to the idea.

Chicago-area mom Sara says she's "intrigued" by mannies. "I've had many traditional nannies and babysitters," Sara says. "I always think there would be something great about my son getting the male perspective on things like sports and play activities."

While she has no issues with a feminine caregiver, Sara does think that men bring a different energy to the job of child care. "I don't mean to stereotype, but while young girls are cute and very nurturing, sometimes I wish there was a man around more often to 'toughen him up,' and I think male babysitters can provide a little of that perspective."

That's what I thought, too -- until a young man applied for the part-time babysitting position I advertised recently. The ad was very tongue-in-cheek, asking for someone who could leap block towers in a single bound and conjure up a mean mac and cheese.

The best in-kind response came from a young, out-of-work pilot looking for a little side income until he could find a full-time gig. I went as far as asking him for his child care references -- and then he said he didn't have any. While this would have been a problem for a female candidate, as well, it was especially troubling to me because of his gender.

Totally prejudiced, right? Maybe. But like one mother I know, I couldn't get past the societal unease about men and young kids.

Betty (not her real name) doesn't use sitters very often, and tends to rely on friends or relatives on the rare occasion when both she and her husband leave the house. Betty was adamant that she would never consider a male caregiver for her three kids.

"I have several grim stories about people trusting teen-aged boys with their children," she explains. "In one case, a woman I know was told by her daughter that the teen-aged boy who was babysitting her and her siblings had molested her."

That isn't the horror story she's heard about a male sitter, she adds. "So, no. I would never hire a male babysitter for my children. I do not care particularly if this is sexist, or not."

Betty admits she is "ferociously picky" about who cares for her kids, mostly because she's known other families who haven't been as choosy and who have suffered as a result. "I have known people who have made woefully poor choices in female childcare providers, so I don't think at all that this is a simple 'Man Bad, Woman Good' issue," she says.

Or is it? I think most parents are careful when it comes to choosing a child-care provider, and unless you're willing to run a background check, there's always a wee bit of risk involved. I do believe that parents look a little more closely when that person is a man.

Case in point: My daughter's cooperative nursery school required all parents to work in the classroom. One of the parents was a stay-at-home dad, and that sure raised some eyebrows when it was his turn for potty duty. This is a parent whose child was in the class, and who had been fingerprinted and had his background checked, for good measure. And still, some moms were uncomfortable with the idea.

As with most parenting decisions, this is a decidedly personal one. I, for one, was surprised at myself for turning down the seemingly nice and funny young man who wanted to be our babysitter. I guess I'm not quite as enlightened -- or gender blind -- as I thought.

Would you hire a manny for your kids? Why or why not?

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Comments (16)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

ame s 6-12-2009 @ 4:17PM

Being lucky enough to have my parents, brother, and aunts near by, I've never hired a sitter.
When my older daughter was born, my brother drove an hour each way to visit on his days off every week. At first, he would hold my daughter while I slept. As she got older, he would spend hours with her cooking pretend meals with her kitchen set, building masterpieces with legos, pushing her on her swing. He even made sure Barbie's shoes matched whatever outfit she was wearing.He did the same when my 2nd daughter (born 2 days before my 1st daughter turned 2) arrived. He's 35 now, not married, doesn't have children.
When my younger girl was in Kindergarten, her class's asst. from a nearby university was Mr. Jake. Mr. Jake was a 20 year old working on a degree in early childhood education. Those kids adored Mr. Jake and he adored them. He now teaches 2nd grade at our school and it's sweet to see kids running up to him, doing the happy-jump-up-and-down-dance while saying Guess what, Mr. Jake, hey Mr. Jake, I made a 100 in spelling!!"
Gender isn't an issue when it comes to caring for children. Sure, there are men who shouldn't be allowed within a foot of a child, but the same is true for some women, too.

Irma 6-12-2009 @ 4:33PM

NO NO NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michele 6-12-2009 @ 5:11PM

I place au pairs and we have quite a few male au pairs that have great success. In fact a male was voted Au Pair of the Year.
For the second year in a row, the International Au Pair Association (IAPA) has chosen a Cultural Care au pair as their "Au Pair of the Year" award winner! This March, the 2008 Au Pair of the Year, Cultural Care au pair Linda Falter from Germany, handed over her title to Ricardo Silva de Araújo, a Cultural Care au pair from Brazil. Cultural Care is proud that out of over 50,000 au pairs nationwide, IAPA has chosen Ricardo as their winner for 2009. IAPA is the global trade association for qualified au pair agencies and companies, and, since 2004, their "Au Pair of the Year" award is one way this organization has been able to highlight the incredibly positive impact au pairs have on their host families.
To see a video with this fantastic manny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ps7Dog3Aj8
Michele
http://mchazen.aupairnews.com

Melissa 6-12-2009 @ 6:36PM

Call me sexist, call me a bitch....I would NOT let a male be my child's nanny or sitter....when you hire someone, you don't know them at first....the only male my child has ever been left alone with for more than 2 seconds is her uncle (my best friend, who has been there from day one), and honestly, he would let her pee her pants before he even thought of taking her to the potty! Because he knows it's not appropriate for a male, other than her dad, to take her to the bathroom. He wouldn't change her diaper when she was a baby, because he didn't think that was appropriate, either. I am a single mom, so she doesn't have a male figure around 24/7, but I would never want to risk something happening to her because I wanted her to have that "toughen up" male influence.

Heidi 6-12-2009 @ 6:39PM

Children are more likely to be molested by friends or family members than by someone hired to care for them. If all males are that frightening or likely to abuse, perhaps we should keep our children away from their male family members. How sad. I think if I'd had boys, I would definitely have wanted to give them the male perspective (game playing, sports, etc.) and teach them by example that men can nurture too. However, I think I'd hesitate about a teenage boy unless I knew the family REALLY well. Developmentally teen boys are a whole different animal than teen girls. Don't we all know girls who are babysitting other people's kids at 13 or 14 and boys the same age who can't really be left alone for a few hours to take care of themselves? Come to think of it the same could be said for some grown men! Seriously though, it really is sexist and stereotypical to say men shouldn't babysit because SOME men are molesters.

Heidi 6-12-2009 @ 6:49PM

All that blabbing and I forgot to make the comment I felt most important. No way, no how, NEVER would I hire a child care provider, male or female, with no verifiable references. And not random references from just any former employer. I'd never hire anyone to watch my kids unless said references were from people I actually knew. How do you know a reference isn't just a friend of the person who says "oh yeah, she was my nanny, she's great." How would you really know?

damoki 6-13-2009 @ 8:21PM

Heidi,

You made some great points, but I think this is a problem with no real solution. People will believe as their parents and the media have trained them, and of course, there is that “what makes them feel in control” thing. It is basic fear, and fear is powerful, especially for those convinced of their righteous opinion even when based in ignorance, bias, and prejudice. Look at some of the comments about using boys to babysit: “NO NO NO !!!….” and so forth.

You sound is if your head is screwed on OK, but though I love humor too, I was “amused” that you could not resist the “jab” at the guys. I guess that type of joke is the payback for all the blond jokes: though neither advances the cause of mutual respect, albeit how funny. I wonder about the cumulative effect on children’s attitudes of the “dumb male” depicted on TV so often, and the inept male jokes told ad nauseam in polite and not so polite company.

You stated boys are developmentally behind girls. No argument statistically, but is a 14 year old boy always behind a 13 year old girl? Your advice about looking before you leap is best; I would not hire someone to walk my dog without solid references.

Additionally, everyone should read the somewhat acerbic comments by Tomm, who makes the point that categories may be for sales inventories, but not people… yet we persist in turning out the same product generation after generation.

Personally, I don’t trust anyone but my mom to babysit… so there you go.

DaMoKi

Heidi 6-15-2009 @ 4:58PM

Ok Damoki - you are absolutely right. Only one really stupid sentence though. Sorry - I don't like to buy into stereotype, but that line did. And while I don't believe all men are inept, I live with one who can't figure out the coffee maker or TV. He builds multi-story commercial buildings though. Go figure.

And I didn't say that boys are developmentally behind girls. Just that they develop differently during puberty and the teen years.

By the way, I always enjoy reading your comments on many other topics. Thanks

Anita 6-12-2009 @ 9:38PM

One of my closest friend's teenage son has babysat for my kids. My son prefers him and asks for him because he'll play ball and Legos and do "boy" things. I trust him completely. I certainly would not have a boy or girl babysitter that I did not trust.

tomm 6-13-2009 @ 9:09AM

So anyone who does something out of the ordinary should be flagged as "having ulterior motives". Let's rule out males in anything except technical, finances, sales. In particular, no man should ever work in healthcare, with children. Caring for people is not for men. Plain and simple. Are all women working in male environments having ulterior motives, too? Or are they just, you know, males inside?
Between the stereotypes, the prejudices and the fears, I'm appalled by many comments. Don't confront your fears, live in them, tell yourself you're absolutely right every time FOX tells about another scandal. Oh and please spread the knowledge that men are evil to every kid you see. Make sure they're afraid of half the word population, and their dad. They won't thank you later.

Mary Sullivan 6-14-2009 @ 2:40PM

The part in the article about people mistrusting the dad as a class volunteer even when he had a kid in the class and had been background-checked and fingerprinted strikes me as a little hysterical. On the other hand, if I'm totally honest I'll admit to being more wary with guys around the kids. I chalk this up more to a bad experience of my own, in childhood, with a male bsitter than TV news and the culture of fear. Although statistically, you can't get around the fact that more pedophiles are male than female :(

Agree with the other posters about references--would never hire someone, male or female, to watch the kids without at least 3 references that I can grill in detail. I also have a pretty keen creep-o-meter, when I interview prospective babysitters. Not that I can rest on that, but instinct counts for something.

The kids have had just one male bsitter and would have loved to have him over more. He was a high schooler involved in a zillion activities and was just too busy.

Mary
have a laugh, on me...
http://www.squidoo.com/amazonviral

SKL 6-14-2009 @ 4:50PM

I have enough personal childhood memories to know what can happen when parents aren't present. Personally, I have not left my girls with anyone I didn't know pretty well (their nanny was the only non-family-member and I never left home for the first few weeks). My girls are 2.5 now, and I plan to put them in Sunday School and preschool soon, because they are old enough to tell me if anything uncomfortable has happened.

I don't plan on leaving my girls alone with male caregivers because, again, I have a lot of personal experience that backs up the sense that males are more likely to do something "wrong" than females. Not that they all will, etc., but this is an area where I don't feel it's worth the risk. They can get their guy time when I am present. The only exception so far has been my dad, who has helped me out in a couple of binds. I know him well enough. But even he told me the last time he babysat: I'm not going to bathe the girls. I didn't question him, but I assume he just doesn't want the girls to think back and wonder, what with all the stuff kids hear nowadays.

Not all discrimination is insensitive or wrong. And I don't think it's right to criticize parents for acting on their protective impulses - particularly with respect to things moms can't undo.

grimmmey 6-15-2009 @ 9:38AM

My next door neighbor has an 18 year old son who is like our own child (we tutored him for 5 years, took vacations with him and he even slept in our bed during a traumatic family event at his own home). Although many people thought our arrangement unusual, both my husband and I love him as if he were our own with the blessing of his parents who were facing trauma of their own.

He is the uncle to 3 children, age 10 down to 1, and has been in their lives since birth. It is amazing to see an 18 year old boy who takes the time to hug, listen to and play with small children even in front of his friends (who are generally a bunch of empty headed kids). I would absolutely trust him with my 2 year old daughter...the only reason I haven't is he has a girlfriend and they like to go out frequently. I would have as much distrust for a male caregiver as I would for a female...especially a stranger. Rarely have we seen male caregivers on nanny cams shaking babies or neglecting them-perhaps that is just the odds since there are far less male caregivers, but evil people come in all shapes, sizes, colors and even both genders.

taylorcorder 6-15-2009 @ 12:22PM

I'm not exactly sure why, but I don't think I would hire a manny to babysit my son. For some reason it would make me feel a little uneasy. I guess because I feel women are more caring and nurturing, but thats a personal opinion.

3boys 6-15-2009 @ 2:50PM

As a stay-at-home dad I didn't realize at first that men have been gender-profiled this way. I found out after my boys stopped having play dates once they entered elementary school. Even their best friends have frequent play dates with other children but not with my boys. I never ask anymore and nobody asks me.

Moms want to find other moms to take turns driving their children places and having drop-off play dates with. They don't want it to be a dad. Even the lesbian parents of a boy who asked me if he could have a play date with my son said no. That somehow makes sense if it weren't so ironic.

I was surprised by this because my best friend when I was growing up had a dad who was remarried to a woman who took no part in his life.

This hasn't been a problem when I coach. Most moms are happy to drop-off their kids as long as it's a team situation. I suppose my boys will spend plenty of time with their friends once they're teenagers.

Leanne 6-16-2009 @ 10:32AM

I am a Nanny Recruiter for Nannies on Call a agency here in Vancouver Canada.

I hire nannys, both male and female for placement and on call work.

I only hire GREAT nannies.
I think that as a parent you should be VIGILANT...absolutely vigilant no mater what you are looking for when checking nannies references, when checking criminal record checks, when looking into their cpr/first aid certification, and when looking into their past employment/childcare history. It is a big job.

In addition to all of that vigilance... you should also always trust your own instincts!!!

I think some people are naturally great with children period...
Often with great nannies...in addition to their natural aptitude, a wealth of experience, , applicable abilities and additional training have made them more than capable in the childcare field.
This level of ability has absolutely nothing to do with sex.NOTHING.
Some PEOPLE are great with kids...Some PEOPLE are NOT!!!

If you need to use a babysitter or a nanny service because you aren't lucky enough to family close by or because you haven't developed a support network that can handle all of your childcare needs... just make sure the service that you are using has the same screening demands/requirements that you would if it was you prescreening every applicant.

and again...ALWAYS trust your instincts!!
Leanne Hume
Nanny Recruiter
Nannies on Call
www.nanniesoncall.com