'Wife' School - Would You Send Your Daughter?

by Bethany Sanders (Subscribe to Bethany Sanders's posts)
Jun 19th 2009 6:00PM

Filed under: Opinions

Make Over Camp for your little Betty Draper. Photo: blogs.amctv.com

We have a handful of etiquette-related rules at our house, like these, for example:

No feet where you eat.
Say please and thank you.
When someone gives you a gift, send a thank-you card.
Be the kind of guest who gets invited back.

We also have a couple that I never thought -- pre-parenthood -- I'd ever have to say out loud, like the most recent: We wear underwear every day.

As parents, we created these rules to help our girls become civilized human beings who will hopefully know how to make their way in the world, but according concert pianist Wonny Song, civilized isn't enough -- at least not for girls.

Song, co-director of a music and fine arts camp in Montreal, was so impressed by the manners of a friend's teenage daughter at a dinner party that he has started a new summer program called Make Over Camp.

The goal of the two week class, which is geared to girls ages 10 to 14, is to teach things like table manners, posture, conversation, fashion and make up and hostessing skills. "We see a lot of young ladies who can benefit from a makeover program," says camp co-creator Angela Chan. "They need to develop their presence."

Apparently, "presence" involves being able to put flowers into a vase (decorating a table is one of the course topics) and knowing which fork goes where. A lot of people are critical of the camp, including sociologist Marc LaFrance. "It might as well be called Wife Camp!," LaFrance tells "MacLeans." "Is Betty Draper happy on 'Mad Men?' " No! She's miserable! Things like makeover camp send the message that a girl's value lies in being entertaining, ornamental, totally innocuous, accommodating and polite. I'm also concerned because it targets girls. Where are the boys?"

Yes, indeed, where are the boys? "There was zero per cent interest from the boys," says Song. "Look, this is not a boot camp to reinforce the notion that girls should stay home. It's not sexist. We would love to include boys, but what can we do?"

Well, Song and Chang could start by creating a class that teaches etiquette to both sexes equally, one that doesn't send the wrong message to one and exclude the other. There may not be too many boys out there who are willing to admit they're interested in table settings, but there are plenty of teens -- boys and girls, alike -- who could use a refresher in manners. Marc McCreavy, one of the program's instructors, defends the camp by saying, "It's important to learn about appropriate topics of conversation and appropriate attire." Yes -- but important for girls and boys.

While I think a camp like this sends the wrong message to girls in general, I suspect there are girls out there who might be interested in it. It's like princess dresses. Moms worry when their little girls want to wear princess dresses -- day in and day out -- that they aren't getting enough exposure to gender neutral activities. But some little girls just want to be princesses, no matter how many trucks you stuff in their toy box.

This class might be a good fit for the kinds of teens who are drawn to this sort of thing, but putting your daughter in it so that you can "make her over?" Uh-uh, no way. Find a horse/art/soccer/whatever-she's-interested-in-camp instead and keep teaching her to write those thank you notes. She'll be just fine.

What do you think? Would you put your daughter into a charm school camp?

Child Beauty Pageant Queens

Sterling Sisters. Jamie Sterling of Texas has five girls, ages 10 months to six years, all involved in beauty pageants. A devoted, if exasperated, mother, Jamie cherishes the "girly-girl" camaraderie but says she tries to focus on inner beauty first. However, she worries that her own preoccupation with "looking pretty" might eventually send mixed messages. Read on.

Jeff Curley

Does it bother you that people are quick to judge pageant families?
There's a label that families like us think life is all about looks, and that you always have to be beautiful and be all dolled up. But my girls know that they are beautiful to their Daddy and me, and that's all that matters. They understand love and patience and kindness. We focus on real qualities instead of outer appearance. Pictured: Jamie Sterling surrounded by twins AshLynn and BreAnne, BriLeigh and AinsLee.

Jamie Sterling

Are you strict about makeup, tanning and diet?
I don't take them to the tanning salon, but I will use the spray tan and store-bought nails. It's no different than playing dress-up. They love makeup. It sounds weird, but in my crazy world with five kids, all this girly stuff helps me spend time with them instead of burying myself in laundry and housework. I'm so close to them because of these fun things we do together. Pictured: AshLynn Sterling, 6.

Jeff Curley

Does your husband participate at all?
We've reached an agreement where he will go to any of the pageants without make-up involved, and without any of the fake nails and hair and stuff. That's our deal. He also won't pay for the pageants, so I pay for those kinds of activities with my own paychecks. He doesn't like the exploitation of it all. Pictured: Brooklyn Sterling, 10 months.

Jamie Sterling

Has anyone ever directly criticized your choice to be a pageant family?
We just moved from Austin. I mentioned to my new neighbor that my girls have done print modeling. She said, "That's okay, but pageants are just not right." I agreed and moved on. Then one day I needed her help -- we were packing up for a pageant, my husband wasn't there, the credit card was missing and everything went wrong. I had to run next door and tell her the truth. She ended up being sweet; it hasn't bothered our relationship one bit. Pictured: AinsLee Sterling, 2.

Jeff Curley

What do you say when your girls don't win?
It's hard. This idea of winning and losing is a problem lately because one of my twins is excelling more than the other at the pageants. There are times when I don't want to do pageants anymore because I worry it's becoming too hurtful for her. But every parent has to find a way to foster those issues of competitiveness between kids. You have to pick yourself up and keep on going. Pictured: BreAnne Sterling, 6.

Jeff Curley

Do you see having five beauty queens when they grow up?
When they get to the teenage stage, which I'm not looking forward to, I really think they'll understand the importance of internal beauty and they'll make their own choices from there. I do get nervous about the pageants impacting them in a negative or superficial way. Right now they're so innocent, and we have so much fun with it. I know I need to think harder about the future though. Pictured: Sterling girls, Christmas 2008.

Jamie Sterling

Haley Burkhardt. You could say pageantry found 8-year-old Floridian Haley Burkhardt before her mom had a chance to think twice. "People kept saying, 'You have to get her into pageants and modeling!'" said mom Ashlee Burkhardt. "Everyone said she looked like a porcelain doll, and her personality was so happy, upbeat and cute." After winning her first competition at nine months, this brand new world became all they knew.

Ashlee Burkhardt

Did you have any reservations when she first started?
We were walking through a mall when she was about nine months old, and I saw an ad for a beauty pageant. We decided to give it a try just because so many people had encouraged us to do something with her beautiful face. We never even had time to think about the pros and cons, because she won immediately. Things just took off from there. Pictured: Haley at nine months.

Ashlee Burkhardt

How have pageants affected her social life?
She still shies away from some people, but she truly shines on stage. She was the only child at her preschool graduation who could stand up there without running around or fidgeting. She stood there with a smile on her face. Pictured: Haley, 18 months, winning her first Grand Overall at Sweet Pea Pageants.

Ashlee Burkhardt

ReaderComments (Page 5 of 11)

Add Your Comments

6-20-2009 @ 4:53PM

edschilbrack said...

Manners? Ettiquette? We recently watched an interview with an Olympic multiple medalist ,who jammed at least 1/4 of his whole pancake stack in his mouth, fork (the correct one?) clutched in his fist like a 2-yr-old, and then tried to keep on talking! I'm sure he doesn't feel the need for any training; he's "natural", and a celebrity.

6-20-2009 @ 4:10PM

Kathryn Sullivan said...

This is total bull. I raised my 3 daughters to take care of themselves, never be legally married by the state or some church and to decide their lives for themselves..........worked like a charm.

I am a great grand mother now and we were taught classes in school in Texas on how to be a good wife and homemaker. I have been married twice and now hate men.

6-20-2009 @ 4:15PM

GB said...

Any chance of removing the valley girl voice inflections that they all seem to use, regardless of where they're from. They sound like a bunch of idiot robots when they speak. I know, I know "Whatever"

6-21-2009 @ 10:21AM

Paul said...

The radicals have completely misapplied the notion of equality. Men and women are different; and Thank God for the difference.
This does NOT make one more valuable than the other, just different.
This is the TRUE definition of equality.
http://LoveOfFashion.com

6-20-2009 @ 4:22PM

SweetP said...

What a great idea! Is there a program for 20 something's?
Interesting, this is the stuff I learned in Girl Scouts. Taught my boys how to be polite. How did they hook up with the chicks they have?

6-20-2009 @ 4:21PM

Bart said...

If we had more good wives and less feminazis, maybe American society could return to normal. If we had more maternal involvement in the children's upbringing rather than the workplace, we wouldnt have the screwed up kids we have today

6-20-2009 @ 4:24PM

Kayla said...

I agree with the writer of this article: if your little girl is into this kind of stuff, send her. It won't hurt. But at the same time, forcing a girl to go to this kind of camp would be terrible. But the same goes if you're forcing your child to attend any sort of thing they aren't interested in. What I think we really need is an electronics manners course. It would teach you how to talk to people without texting on your cell phone at the same time, and how to spend a day away from the computer. That's really what our kids need today.

6-22-2009 @ 8:31AM

dschilbrack said...

I feel the fuss over forks & spoons (salad, fish, meat; soup, tea, consomme, coffee, dessert) is over-emphasized & outdated. Who uses all these? On the other hand, Please, Thank you, Yes, Sir or Ma'am, are too often replaced with okay, yeah, you, hey, yo, uh-huh, okay. A thank you note for a graduation check? Fugeddaboudit! I %$#@%& deserve it; I &*@#% graduated, din't I?
Manners, courtesy? How dare you infringe on their constitutional right to privacy, freedom of speech, pursuit of happiness? Bite me!
Just wait 'til the ACLU gets to you!!

6-20-2009 @ 4:26PM

Barbara Greene said...

It would be lovely if the schools (or parents, but good luck with that) could teach manners and etiquette, to BOTH sexes. But forcing a little girl to attend this makeover camp is ridiculous. We have enough negative messages already aimed at our girls.

6-20-2009 @ 6:19PM

jim said...

the SO CALLED sociologist Marc boi's comments were the EPITOME of IGNORANCE!!! there is nothing wrong with people being taught skills and talents that will be helpful to them in a CIVILIZED society!!! his NEANDERTHAL comment was ABSURD!!!!

6-20-2009 @ 4:34PM

bookworm11089 said...

Ok, wow. Settle down. Regardless of what modern culture tries to teach, there a significant difference between men and women. They are created differently physiologically and psychologically, and tend to be interested in different things. The testosterone in men gives them the urge to build, get dirty, and work with their hands (which is why they stereotypically like cars and tools); women's estrogen levels cause them to be more demure, talkative, and prefer gentler tasks (like cooking and entertaining). Granted, a gentleman's camp would be great, but there's nothing wrong with a lady's camp, like this one. I think a third camp should be created also, including the skills that everyone needs to know and were listed above, like filing a tax return and changing a tire.

6-20-2009 @ 4:35PM

You are an idiot who took one too many women's studies courses. Get off your soapbox and join the real world.

6-20-2009 @ 4:37PM

bill said...

"no-i'm not not raising someone's wife" a choice for an answer???? OH, YES YOU ARE!!!!

6-20-2009 @ 4:38PM

Sweetleo82 said...

I must say I ahve to agree with you 110%. You make a valuable point, I don't think we should be teaching girls to cater to men at all!! Men are the ones who need a course... They are ones that have no respect for woman or themselves.

6-20-2009 @ 4:45PM

Amanda said...

Okay, they can call this non-sexist all they want: It IS! This is rediculous! I have a few comments about this one I'd LOVE to make:

1. Raise your OWN kids! Its a neat little trick I like to call resposibility!

2. These are young girls-not wives nor fiances taking a pre marital course!

3. Let your children, if you want them to be mature and proper, pick their OWN habbits and talents up!

4. There's no point in saying "men need this, too" because no one needs this nonsense to be normal citizens.

Lastly I'd like to say that these parents who are okay with this need a serious reality check. Let your child be a child and stop trying to brainwash them. Everyone turns out some way or another, and just look how many people tunred out NORMAL without this etiquette bull!

Thanks for listening,
The 17-year old realist!

6-20-2009 @ 7:07PM

damoki said...

Amanda (#70), I can see you are an independent thinker, and you should be, because most of the big stuff in life came from independent thinkers, and will in the future.

Your #1 and #3 ideas are OK, #2 needs extended comment, and #4 is a point of contention… It is simply the opinion of a child, no insult intended. Being a child is not a bad thing and children often have great ideas, but parents who raised, or are in the midst of raising kids should make parenting policy (if you have a child at 17, you have too many other issues to deal with this).

Calling the teaching of etiquette “nonsense” is, for me, evidence enough to invalidate your input; saying it is not necessary in order to be normal, insults all those who consider themselves normal while they still value the elements of etiquette. You are not showing much tolerance with these put downs.

The problem with being young and thinking you know all the answers, is that you have yet to hear all the questions. If you truly want to wear the mantle of “realist”, you should seek a lot more questions to answer before you try to speak for, or judge those who have.

Try this if you wish, talk to a bunch of adults between 27 and 30; ask them if they thought they had the world figured out when they were in High School, then, for the ones who did, ask them if they still think the same now. I believe you will have your eyes opened to the fact that as most of us get older and gain experience, we start to see with different eyes and think with a different mind. You may come to understand the seeds of your young opinions will grow and change as does your life and experience… at least give yourself an opportunity for your own reality check.

Best of luck… or you can make your own.

DaMoKi

6-20-2009 @ 4:47PM

Mike said...

As long as it theaches the wife to make enought money to support her MAN.

wren said...

How about a "How to be a decent human being" camp? Forget the pretenses of a class society and focus on being the best you can be to all people! So many different cultures in the world, now living next door to each other. Manners reflect the culture. So what is our saying about us? I would rather have genuinely nice children who know the basics (chew with your mouth shut, wash your hands, don't pick your nose...etc); than fake robotized stepford children who learn to smile and be pretend to be nice. How sad that it is still acceptable to "make-over" a young girl to fit society, but not to encourage autonomy and intelligence. I for one, cannot believe that the Miss America Pageant still exists. Come on...does it really show how smart they are by asking them stupid questions while wearing a bathing suit???

6-20-2009 @ 4:52PM

Mark Koenig said...

There should be MANDATORY COURSES in manners and proper social conduct taught at ALL SCHOOLS, both public and private for BOTH GIRLS AND BOYS. It would go a long way in improving the world.

Paula said...

While many of you are spouting "no, not our kids, we can teach them at home", some of you need to go back to school to learn how to spell.
Home economics, as we used to call it, should be renamed "life skills" and should be required of both girls and boys. Yes, boys should know how to cook and clean house. Girls should learn the difference between a flathead and a phillips screwdriver. I took home ec and shop class when I was in school. Back then shop class was strictly for boys. My mother fought a hard battle with the school but I finally got in and learned the basics of simple home repairs and power tool safety. Kids shouldn't have to wait until college to learn how to manage money, balance a checkbook, pay a bill or know which fork to use at dinner. Sorry but parents just don't teach these things at home anymore. Too busy with jobs and social lives. 12 year old girls going to school looking like hookers and 12 year old boys wearing their pants down around their kneecaps just doesn't scream "life skills".

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