Kids and Extracurriculars - When Do You Let Them Quit?
Categories: Fun & Activities
When kids are ready to quit, do you let them?. Photo: sxc.hu
Lisa Belkin over at Motherlode has asked readers when do you let a child quit an activity? Like Belkin, we have a few rules in our house about this, and we've had to enforce the "if you commit to it, you see it through" rule once or twice. But that was for short term activities -- six weeks or less -- that only met once a week. Had the activity in question been a more involved commitment, I think I would have been more flexible. After all, I don't force myself to continue a hobby I don't enjoy, so I don't think it's fair to make my kids do it either.
But at the same time, it is a parent's responsibility to teach and to guide. And jumping in to solve the problem every time a child gets bored or feels discomfort is the hallmark of helicopter parenting. Exactly where is the balance?
"Motherlode" commenter cz shares her own experience, "As a child my parents often made me stick with camps and sports I hated. If anything, this just served to weaken my then already weak self-confidence....If you think he'll learn some other valuable lesson by making him stick with (it), it might be worth it. But, if the lesson is just that he should stick with something he really doesn't like, when it's not necessary for him to do so...I don't know, it seems like a recipe for unhappiness as an adult."
Commenter Julie Armstrong, on the other hand, thinks quitting isn't the answer. "I have struggled with this issue with my kids now aged 12 and 15," she writes. "Generally, if they are safe but just unhappy I generally make them stick it out. Quitting should be the rare exception rather than the rule."
I think there are good reasons for pulling kids out of an activity: It's not a good fit, they're being bullied, they're being hurt, it's affecting their grades at school. And it's only fair, I think, for kids to have a say in what and how many activities they're involved in. But there's also a good lesson in making them stick it out: When you start something, you finish it.
What do you think? Do you let your children quit an activity they don't like? Or do you make them stick it out because of the lessons they'll learn from it?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
mlf161406 7-03-2009 @ 3:16PM
When our kids want to sign up for something we sit down and we discuss how much time it is going to take, what other activities they might miss out on, and what the cost is. If our kids are willing to make a commitment to an activity then we will spend the money so they can do it. However if we sign them up they cannot quit. We tell them that they have to see it through and if they don't like it they don't have to do it the next year. We have only had to enforce the rule once. Our son wanted to quit mid-season, we didn't let him. He finished the season, ended up having a lot of fun. He signed for it again the next year and loved it.
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Mischelle 7-04-2009 @ 5:28PM
I think that's an excellent idea- I never thought of making my daughter sit down and thoroughly explore the idea of commiting to a new activity. I always thought that if she said she wanted to try it, I should let her. As a result she has quit alot of activities that she probobly never should have started. Next time we will discuss the idea in depth BEFORE she commits. Thanks!
Donna 7-31-2009 @ 1:49PM
I am a grandmother of nine children. They are all overbooked with sports, birthday parties, concerts, recitals,, etc. The problem is that their parents (our daughters and sons-in-law) expect us to attend everything. We attend s much as we can. We never miss concerts or dance recitals. I babysit at a moments notice and have stayed at one daughter's house while she went away with her husband. I loved doing it. Right now this daughter is mad at my husband and I because we missed her son's playoff games which are in the evening sometimes out of town. My husband gets up for work aat 3 or 4 AM and is too exhausted. She is convinced that we are slipp up as grandparents. What do some of you younger moms think? Help!
Mary Sullivan 7-05-2009 @ 1:17PM
I agree with Bethany's take on what would be automatic grounds for dropping out, like a health or safety problem associated with the activity. Otherwise, for us this depends partly on whose idea the activity was in the first place and what the rationale was for joining or encouraging it. For instance, one of our kids is resistant to almost all extracurriculars, and to a point that's okay. Schoolwork keeps him busy enough that we're fine with almost no extras. He tried (minimal) sports for a few years, but it didn't work out. Our expectation, though, is that he do one physical type class--does not need to be a team sport. For the last couple years he's chosen to do yoga, 1x per week. The instructor is fabulous, the other kids are nice, and because my son has anxiety problems, the class has been excellent for him. He periodically asks to drop out, but only because he thinks he'll be able to play on the computer if he doesn't need to head off to yoga at 11 on Saturdays. That's not how it would really work, but that's his perception. We say fine, if you don't want to sign up next session for yoga, just pick any other physically active class. So he grudgingly sticks with the yoga.
I do force all 3 kids to stick with piano. The lessons are very low key, as the teachers are myself and husband...mainly for cost reasons. Tons of adults I know have told me they wish their parents had not let them quit piano. This is a "you'll thank me later" situation. It's so much harder to learn as an adult, and like I said, the way we do this, it's a minimal time commitment.
Some kids want to sign up for everything, and in that situation I think the first poster has a great approach. Sit down beforehand, make sure everything is clear, and get a commitment from your kid. And then (s)he can only drop out for one of the reasons Bethany mentioned.
Mary
http://www.squidoo.com/kid-drinks
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Mary Sullivan 7-05-2009 @ 1:27PM
ps Something else you could do for a child who is old enough to have a weekly allowance and to understand consequences would be this: If he or she insisted on joining a class and now wants to drop out for a non health or safety reason, make the child pay half the class fee. Take $1 a week out of allowance (or more, depending on how much your child gets) until the debt is paid off. It's a tough approach but not mean and will make most kids rethink quitting. If they do quit, you eventually recoup some of the cost, and they learn about tradeoffs in the context of a family budget.
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jen 7-06-2009 @ 5:47PM
Another great kid- friendly activity your readers would enjoy is to grow a TickleMe Plant from seeds and then watching the plant MOVE when Tickled! As a first grade teacher I no longer plant Lima beans, as the growing of this interactive plant, proved to be much more exciting and educational for my student's.
I found my supplies for a classroom kit at http://www.ticklemeplant.com but they also sell individual greenhouses and even party favors, with everything you need to grow your own TickleMe Plant from seeds. I assure you your kids will be more excited about gardening, and its just fun to watch the expressions of the faces of children (and even adults) when they see the plant close its leaves and droop when tickled,
Use code PLANT to save $2.00
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Andy 9-22-2009 @ 10:04PM
I made the decision to allow my son to quit recently and although I believe I made the right decision it came with a great deal of pain.
I signed my son up for tackle football. He played flag football last year with mixed success.
My first problem was that I signed him up without his knowledge. Now this league started with a 2hour-a-day/5day-a-week conditioning for 3 weeks, followed up with a 2hr-a-day/3 day a week practice schedule with weekly games. This started in July and I live in central florida.
My son didn't get the hang of hitting other kids. Because of his size (he is a big, tall kid for his age) he was immediately singled out as here was this big seemingly strong kid who didn't want to hit anyone and didnt want to be hit. We did this for 8 weeks.
for the past 4 weeks he had been bullied by other kids and the last straw was when the head coach, a person who I previously respected, yelled at him in front of the other kids that "no one is going to feel sorry for you, not your mom, not your dad, not your teammates. We are done with this! You are going to hit him and drive him back".
After seeing him look at me, with tears on his face, ask me "why daddy does everyone want 100% when all I can give is 50%". "no one is being nice to me - why?"
By the way, he is 7 yrs old.
I dont have a problem with competitive sports, but remeber that it is competition not fun that these leaques are about. If your son is competitive, it serves as a good outlet. If training and friends is what you look for, it may not be the right way to go about it.
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