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Letting a Child Win - How Bad?
Categories: Preschoolers, Kids 5-7
"You're it!" Photo: stockxpert.com
Many parent-friends were split on this issue -- and had pretty strong feelings about it, I might add. So I asked Parental Advisor Robert Schachter, a New York City-based psychologist and faculty member of Mount Sinai School of Medicine, if it's cool to let kids win or if it's better for them to let them "practice losing."
"It's cool to let them win," Schachter says, "As long as you don't let them know you're letting them win."
But what about the idea that they're going to lose in the real world, so they should get used to that experience in a safe environment?
"Every parent has a rule-book that's exquisitely detailed in terms of 'This is what you do to raise a kid,'" Schachter says. "Sometimes this rule-book is based on a reaction against what their parents did, or imitating what their parents did that was positive." Okay, I can see that.
"But," Schachter warns, at times, "the rule book may not have any correlation to what's appropriate developmentally for a child. Just because a parent has a justification for their behavior, doesn't mean it's developmentally helpful to the child."
His main point: "Making a child feel bad doesn't help them do better." Schachter adds that the more often you can help a child feel successful, the better prepared he may be for challenges he will face in and outside the home. His rules for playing against a child:
Be a teacher, not a staunch competitor. "It's just like how, until a certain age, you make decisions for your child. Then, as they start to be able to make decisions for themselves, you still tell them your decisions but you carefully explain to them your rationale so that they start to learn how to make decisions for themselves."
Up your game as the child improves. "When he can fight harder, you can play harder. You don't need to let them win every single time if they have equal abilities. You need to help a child learn the skills to fend for themselves. I think the more success a child can feel the better, but you do need to teach them the skills of competing so you should push against them as hard as they can push back."
Remind yourself why you're playing the game. If your child has become an equal rival at a game, it's one thing to play hard against him or her. But if you're clearly far stronger at a game, Schachter asks, "What's the point of winning when you're playing a child? If the adult is always winning, it just makes the kid feel like he can't win."
So, how bad is it to let a child win? Not bad, as long as you don't make it obvious that you're letting them win and you continue to up your game as the child improves.
Have you had a less-than-perfect parenting moment and you're wondering, "How bad?" Send it to PrincessLvsPink@Gmail.com and it could get addressed in this column.
Sabrina Weill is editor-in-chief of PrincessLovesPink.com.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Chrysee 7-09-2009 @ 12:59PM
When I was very young, I hung out with our neighbor's sons who were a similar age (I may have been a year or two older?). Every time we played a game or board game (usually more chance than skill) and I won, they would literally start crying and have a tantrum and then their mother would come in and yell at me for not letting them win.
It was great fun. ;P
They were like, 8.
I would not let a child win constantly, but I would also not play a game of skill against a child who stood a high chance of losing. Many of the board games aimed at children are chance-based, not skill. Candy Land, Shoots and Ladders, Sorry, etc. How do you even "let them win" that anyway?
I'm not gonna try to play Monopoly or freaking Settlers of Catan with a child. When they can get the rules of those sorts of games enough to actually play them, they can handle losing (or they'll know the rules enough to know you're doing it wrong)
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Uly 7-10-2009 @ 11:50AM
By contrast, my mother says (and my experience backs this up) that you should never play purely LUCK based games with young children. Why? Because they hit a losing streak and they get frustrated as they know they have NO way to turn it around.
In a skill based game, you can set up a handicap. So in Memory you can allow them to turn over four cards instead of two, or limit the number of "extra turns" that the grown-up gets for making a match. In Crazy Eights you can give yourself extra cards when dealing, and allow them to pass after drawing a certain number of times. But what sort of handicap can you give in Candyland?
Uly 7-10-2009 @ 11:49AM
I don't let my nieces win games. There's no point to that - we're trying to teach them to play games for FUN, not to win or lose, and letting them win kinda hinders that.
But we do encourage good gamemanship from all players. We do not trounce the other guy just because we can - if I can win a game with a 5 point lead instead of a 500 point lead, the former is preferable. We shake hands afterwards (even if we lose) and say "Good game". (And if the grown-ups lose we work to model good behavior - we talk about how we'll work harder next time, or how it was still fun even though we lost, or how we're disappointed but it's just a game, after all.) And we do give handicaps to weaker (and younger) players.
A handicap isn't cheating, and it's not letting somebody win, either. It's making the game fair for people who aren't as good at it. So in card games we alter the size of the hand to suit the player (in crazy eights and I doubt it the grown-ups get bigger hands, in slapjack the grown-ups get smaller hands), we allow children to pass a turn more easily, in games that require quick thinking we give the girls a five second head start, that sort of thing.
It's all within the rules, we do nothing on the sly, and sometimes we still win even with the kids having help.
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Eric Haaranen 7-16-2009 @ 4:39AM
As for me, it is alright for a child to win in his/her parents in the games because it is their stepping stone for another life, another future they’re facing. But, not all times, parents must given his/her child a chance to win. Of course, there is an instance that parents will enhance the child’s behavior in case of having an interaction with other children.
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SKL 7-16-2009 @ 9:49AM
Kids should play age-appropriate games and should be given no advantage. If they can't figure out Chess, maybe they need to stick with Checkers and watch others play Chess until they get a clue. That's how we did it in my family.
I recall when my kid brother and sister were small and we used to play pinochle. The kids were allowed to look at everyone's hands and watch the game. They could ask questions but were not allowed to reveal what was in anyone's hand, or they would have to leave the room. By the age of 6, my sister was playing pinochle with adults - and winning often enough to enjoy the game. She knew how to be a good winner or loser - or, more accurately, she knew that if she acted like a brat, she would have to leave the game, so she just smiled and moved on.
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Red73 7-27-2009 @ 9:58PM
I rarely let my kids win and have actually had people tell me I am being mean and ruining their self esteem. I disagree, you can't always win in life. I went to the truuconfessions site and a bunch of people agreed with me so at least I know I am not alone in this thinking.
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