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My Child Refuses to Potty Train: What Can I Do?
Filed under: Potty Training, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Parents of toddlers are constantly surrounded by other parents whose kids are the same age. Whatever your activity of choice -- a play group, an art/music class, a visit to the playground or a Gymboree class -- it's relatively standard for parents to gather and share war stories, advice and tips on their parenting experiences. When these conversations pop up, it's also somewhat inevitable for parents to create comparisons between their little one and other kids of a similar age. Is my child is on track developmentally? Is he or she keeping up with their peers?
Potty training is one of those milestones that parents use as a measuring stick for their child's progress. Experts say that two years old is the average age for children to develop an interest in potty training. So what do you do when your child is 3½ and still resistant to learning? From a practical standpoint, every parent knows that children develop at different rates. But from an emotional standpoint, it's hard not to be concerned when YOUR child is the one lagging behind.
ParentDish recently heard from a frustrated mom looking for reasons why her 3½-year-old son was so resistant to using the potty and what she could do at this point to speed up the process. We asked Dr. Mark Wolraich, Professor of Pediatrics and Director of the Child Study Center at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center in Oklahoma City, OK, for his expert opinion, in the hopes that the answer would not only help this frazzled mom, but other parents facing the same frustration.
We have a very strong-willed son who is 3 ½. We've been potty training for the last 9 months. Our initial strategy was to put him in underwear (except for nighttime) and gave him rewards and praise when he went on the potty. He has been pretty good pooping on the potty, but peeing on the potty has been a real struggle. He was motivated and fairly successful at first, but the novelty wore off fast. Since then we have tried most everything -- different types of rewards, cumulative rewards, sticker charts, praise, taking stuff away, timed bathroom breaks, etc. He almost always puts up a fight and almost always is wet even before we get him on the potty. In retrospect, we know that we started too early and that the rewards didn't work for him...but now we're 9 months in and not sure how to proceed. Lately we have totally backed off – kept him in the underwear, not mentioned the potty at all and had no reaction when there have been accidents or successes, in the hopes that he will feel in control and motivated to try again. So far, it has only resulted in messy accidents. He doesn't seem very bothered to be wet and simply points it out and asks for another pair (as if they are disposable!) We question whether we should put him in a diaper/pull-up during the day, but feel like he'll just start peeing in those and we will be even worse off. We are at our wits end and desperately need help!
--Lisa from Short Hills, NJ
Dr. Mark Wolraich: My response to the parent is: It sounds like your son has figured out that he can get a good deal of attention for not urinating where he should. I think your backing off has been a move in the right direction. I would suggest putting him back in Pull-Ups so that you don't have to deal with messy accidents. He will reach a point where not going in the potty will not get any attention and will be bothersome because other children are not in Pull-Ups (like he is). If there is a preschool program that will not take him without being trained and it is one he would like to go to, you might find him training himself more quickly. The less you push him about toileting and the more he experiences the natural consequences of not urinating where he should, the more likely you are to make progress. Good luck and stick with it.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
7-24-2009 @ 1:12PM
Janice said...I'm very impressed that you have been able to resist going back to pull-ups for 9 whole months. I teach preschoolers and have rarely seen parents with that kind of fortitude. Our school's policy for decades used to be that we only accepted trained children, but as the pediatricians have begun telling parents to let kids train at their own pace, we've been accepting these children and have made training part of our goal. Most of the children we work with are ready and it's just the parents' fear of embarrassing accidents and messes to be cleaned that hold them back. That, and the inability of many parents to be firm with their children.
I agree with Dr. Wolraich's comment that backing off was a good idea for the reasons he stated. However, my advice is to stay in the underwear. Your son is saavy enough to know that a diaper is a diaper, no matter how it's marketed.
Typically, when we see boys who consistently wet underwear, it's because they don't mind the sensation. These are often the same boys who seek out other kinds of sensory input...touching everything they can, spending long periods in sand or water if allowed, jumping from up high or crashing intentionally and such. Some of these guys might not even feel the sensation that tells them they need to go as accutely as others. For most kids, avoiding the sensation of wet pants is ample motivation to change behavior. For these little guys, it is not. They need a different kind of motivation that is reasonable to them.
"I'd like to take you to the Dunkin Donuts drive thru, but I have to be sure that you won't get the car seat wet." (Stay dry for 20 min.)
"Wouldn't it be nice if we could visit the park? But, oh darn, what if you get the slide wet? Do you promise to use the toilet so we can go to the park?" (dry for 45 min. to 90 min.)
Figure out where you can go, and work in ever-increasing times during which he must stay dry. Yes, it is a sort of bribery if you use McDonalds playplace as the incentive, but it really is the lesson your trying to teach. In polite society, we don't just go around getting pee all over. That, and you're old enough for underwear so that's what you'll wear. It may work better than incentive charts, stickers and the like because your child will be able to recognize that it's a reasonable expectation that he not get the outside world all wet. Lots of luck!
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8-04-2009 @ 1:13AM
JM said...As a school teacher you should understand that children are relentless at teasing someone who has wet his pants! I had a weak bladder as a child and didn't have the luxury of pull-ups back then. I still see people i went to school with and they remember what i try to forget and its been a LONGTIME since I was in school. I feel it is more important to have emotional health and balance at school, not the title of betsy wetsy or mr.pee pants over their head. They will potty train in their own time-- encourage and love them.
3-08-2011 @ 7:16PM
Jennifer said...I really like your suggestions about potty training. My son is 3 1/2 and is stubborn about the potty. Did do good for a week and just stopped. I will try your suggestions. And see how he does. Thanks so much. I hope this works.
7-30-2009 @ 9:31AM
Heather said...What worked for us finally. Pick a long weekend or take a Friday or Monday off work. Take away all pull ups/diapers. If he goes in his underwear don't react. If he goes in the potty make a huge deal out of it. Under no circumstances do you put the diapers back on( except for sleepign maybe but you can get plastic sheets) Is he dry in the morning you amy not need nighttime diapers.
He can wet his pants and leave them on for a little while ( 15min) when he complains they are wet, ask is it yucky? if so remind him it won't feel that way if he goes in the potty. THen change himwith no fuss no other coments about it.
You can even do this without underwear , just let him run around with no pants. Remember this is a weekend you are in the house all weekend.
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12-05-2010 @ 6:04PM
Janet said...Yeah, umm, my kid's three and a few months. Tried that tactic - didn't work. Tried to keep it up when the child went back to the babysitter on Monday. She was concerned for the health of the other kids and the condition of her house so she insisted he wears pull-ups. We are now back to square one.
8-25-2009 @ 11:02PM
sissyd1966 said...My little boy is 3 years and 2 months old. He has been wearing underwear fro almost 2 months now and has had only about half a dozen "wet" accidents. He even wears underwear to bed at night and, so far, has waken up each morning completely dry. But....he has YET to go # 2 in the potty! He won't even try and still gets quiet and hides when he has to go just like he did when he was in diapers. Does any one have any suggestions? I do not scold him when he does this, but I do try to talk to him and tell him that he his becoming a big boy now and wouldn't it be great if he went poop on the potty. Do you think that maybe he is kind of scared of the poop being in the potty or something? Or maybe it is something I am doing wrong? Any help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
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3-08-2011 @ 7:15PM
Jennifer said...I have a son about the same age and the same problem. He hides to go poppy. I see this was a longtime since you posted. And no one commented on your post. How did you do the potty training with the hiding? My son is also scared of the pain to go poppy. He had a bad constipation day and he did go on the potty. But, since then I am back to the diapers and taking a break from pushing it. Ready to try again. If you have any suggestions on what worked for you. I would like to know. thanks
5-12-2011 @ 4:22PM
Lori said...Ok I thinks it's awesome and great that people can get their kids potty trained in a few days and by the age of 2, and it's wonderful for a Dr. to sit there and babble about what to do, but I personally think it's all a bunch of BS. I have a son who now just turned 4 and flat refuses to potty on the potty> we have been trying for 2 years with no luck. We have done everything from praise, prizes, punishment, etc and not one thing has worked. We try panties and he just wets and poops in them anyways, I have popped him on the butt as punishment, but still he poops in them. It's almost like he just doesn't care. With school starting in less then 2 years I am sooooo scared that he will not be allowed to go to Kindergarden. He is already missing Preschool. Please someone give me some advice.
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