Texting While Parenting - How Bad?

Parents who multitask when with their children should not be surprised or hurt when their children grow into teenagers who remove themselves from their parents lives. When you don't give your child your full attention when they are talking to you or playing with you, you are telling them that they are not important and not respected. Don't be surprised if your child doesn't respect you later in life.

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That photo is kinda freaking me out. What's up w/ her fingers?

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Glenn, your point is well made!

Everyone is guilty of splitting their attention when inappropriate, but with your kids, it is different. People who may insist multi-tasking while parenting is OK, might ask themselves how it would feel if their boss, or spouse, arranged some one-on-one time with them, then continually attended to phone calls, text messaging, and other interruptions. The feeling would be that you were simply not as important as the interruptions.

In this case, a “multi-tasker” is simply defending bad choices. I would expect to hear things like, “I don’t do it that much”, or “My kids understand my work requirements”, and the dumbest comment yet, “Everyone is doing it!” Yet oddly, in a different vain they may be right about the last one as a reverberation from Glen’s final statement: The kids of these parents will likely “reward” mom and dad by returning the favor when they get their own electronic ball and chain. I believe excuses seldom lead to forgiveness or understanding, and most always engender regret.

Remember, you reap and you sow, because as a parent of a young child, you are first and most important example of behaviors.

DaMoKi

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While I do believe it's best to have a solid amount of focused time with our children apart from work stuff, I believe it is good to do some work around the children and involve them in it to the extent practical. The thing is, this should be done with a positive attitude. Nobody seems to think it's wrong to, say, cook in front of our kids, and I don't see how that's different from taking a conference call, tweaking a report, or exchanging a few emails. All things in moderation. But if you do it with a guilty conscience, your kids will pick up on this and end up getting a bad attitude about your work and your ability to control your life.

When I need to finish up something or take a call during part of my "family time," I tell my kids what it's about in a positive way, make sure their needs are met first (e.g., serve dinner early rather than late if the call is at 6pm), and give them something to do that is a treat for them. I tell them how much time I need and then when the task is done, I leave it completely behind and get back 100% to my kids. Personally this feels right to me.

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Well it depends on how much texting your are doing. If it is bad enough that a teenager is complaining than I think it is beyond working and sounds like a crackberry addiction. If it is one or two then there is no issue.

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SKL,

I really believe we agree…basically. You stated you “do believe it's best to have a solid amount of focused time with our children apart from work stuff…” I agree. You also said, “I believe it is good to do some work around the children and involve them in it to the extent practical.” That sounds good to me.

However, you believe a big reason for today’s generation gaps is due to parental failure to have their children, “tagging along with or helping their parents from a very early age.” as, you claim, was the norm up to two centuries ago. I agree parental behavior is the main reason for virtually all generation gaps (for another discussion), but if you are going to look back 100 to 200 years ago, you must take the bad with the good. There are many differences between then and now; relying on activities and actions “cherry picked” from the past to justify conclusions today is inherently flawed. The often complex, convoluted, or confusing nature of work place and societal dynamics diminish any single comparison for cause and effect (translation for Kate2: Things change).

I agree there is value in exposing children to parental efforts at work. I am not convinced taking time to “fix a report”, or “take a call” during family time qualifies as kids tagging along with mom or dad, even though I see the negative effect as insignificant when done in moderation. I believe you are, as I alluded to earlier, more tuned into the needs of your children than most, but then you are at the top of the curve, so to speak. You are also apparently in a position to do the things you mentioned. There are many parents not able, inclined or willing to do the same; in those cases, they will fail to serve the purposes you and I support. The effect on their kids will range from neutral to negative.

Then there is the whole question about parents who work in a factory, flip burgers, work 8-5 each day in an office, are unemployed, or work multiple jobs. Not all parents are in a position to bring work home or have their kids “tag” along at the office… they need different tools and a different approach because for them and their kids, texting at home during family time, is just texting.

DaMoKi

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Kate2,

You said: “damoki - Do you speak to people in the same pompous, measured way in which you always write here? Just curious!”

I do not believe you are “curious” about my patterns of speech in the least. Your statement was intended as a cheap shot insult, and a low class twist on the old “Have you stopped beating your wife yet?” logic trap. If I used multi-syllable words too much for you, I suggest you spend some time with Dictionary.com or reading a good book. If my writing causes you discomfort, that is unfortunate, but I intend to continue to express ideas in a thoughtful (measured) manner. Look at the mess the President stirred up by not calibrating his words better.

Your next few sentences were substandard parroting of SKL’s comments, who I mostly agree with… not sure why you said anything at all?

Then you said, “I personally see nothing wrong with my husband bringing his laptop into the family room while we all watch and comment on "America's Got Talent" etc.”

Well, personally, I am proud of your husband for finding something else to do while the rest of the family watches that particular show! Also, you need to reconsider the definition of “family time” and “focus on the kids” if you think watching drivel TV qualifies. Don’t get me wrong, I like an occasional drivel TV too, but not with my kids in tow. Maybe that is what you and your family consider quality family time… it is not for me to say.

You said about your hubby, “It's a fact of life that he has to work after-hours and I think it is important for our kids to see him work, and see how we as a family can make adjustments and compromises in order to spend time together. Maybe he's just better at it than members of your family might be.” (Another low and cheap insult, soooooo…)

It is a fact of life in my family, we mostly finish work at work, and then are able to keep family commitments without constant interruption, but then maybe members of my family are better at it than members of yours might be. (Is this not fun or what?)

You then said, “I also can't ignore your previous post in which you ask how someone would feel if their boss texted, etc during a meeting - have you been to any corporate board meetings lately?” Then you babbled on about people in the meeting not paying attention due to their electronic tethers and your opinion about that being OK now. Maybe this is a clue as to why you think as you do… mmmmm!

Slowly re-read my post! I never said Board Meetings or even Meetings. What I said was, “People who may insist multi-tasking while parenting is OK, might ask themselves how it would feel if their boss, or spouse, arranged some one-on-one time with them, then continually attended to phone calls, text messaging, and other interruptions.” One-on-one time is not a board meeting. Maybe “one-on-one” was too pompous for you… oops.

You know, it is easy to be rude. I hope you are not setting an example for your kids in this regard. In your future comments, try to be respectful of others and their position whether you agree or disagree. The truth is, you and I probably agree more than we disagree. Let’s leave it at that.

DaMoKi

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SKL,

I have already stated I agree with much of what you say, and that you are a good mom and all that blah, blah, blah. What the heck does that have to do with the other moms who are not so perfect as you?

What about the moms and dads who strive, but are not as "planned" as you, who do not see things as you do, do not have the benefit of your "unusual" situation, or simply believe there is another way? What about the rest of us? We are just so wrong?

This should have been a discussion about various concepts, but you seem to think if we would just do what you do, our kids would be perfect: No room for other thoughts or approaches.

You have made this all about you, and within that, you have created the real disconnect. However, I do not expect you to hear me or see it that way, because, as they say, the hardest thing in the world is to tell someone something they are convinced they already know. Be careful, that sounds oddly like the definition of a closed mind.

DaMoKi

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My name is Paul Hunter, and I am the 19th child out of 21 natural children. Yes, my mother who is Mrs. Louise Hunter is the mother of 21 natural children, (18 living today) 61 grandchildren, and 55 great-grandchildren. www.hunterfamily21.com

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SKL,

I am puzzled: I looked over my comments and spotted a number of times I clearly stated I agreed with your basic argument, which involved the integration of work and kid-time in moderation. Yet it seemed to me that any disagreement was seen as a total rejection of your position, which is one or the reasons for my last comment.

However, I agree you are entitled to say what you think, and would never want you to think I was trying to muzzle you… not ever the case.

The point of the original article was to discuss parents who abuse texting and other non-kid-time activities and how that would affect kids. Taken apart from that, your contention that attention, as you define it, will “better” connect the members of the family, I agree.

You said you did not imply perfection of you or your kids. Though I saw it differently, I will take you at your word, and retract my statement.

To use your word: I actually believe the “disconnect” is straying from the original focus of the article. As Glenn said in an earlier comment, “This article is aimed at the parent that will take every phone call and read every email and text message WHILE spending time with their child thinking that their child doesn't notice that mom has more important things to do than play with her kid.” That level of interruption and that attitude is in no way “integrating” work and family life. Honk is you agree.

Though unlikely to happen, I think you and I would enjoy discussing this and other family oriented topics over a cup of something. But for now, I am not sure there is anything to be gained from the continual flailing of this deceased equine.

I have enjoyed your comments and look forward to them in the future.

DaMoKi

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Kate2,

If you are going to use big words, try to use them correctly. To paraphrase requires that you cover all the main points with accurate meaning and tone: you failed to do so in at least two ways. First, you failed to cover that part where you misread my previous comments and subsequently made ill-conceived remarks, and second, you misinterpreted other points apparently to serve your own purpose. But, considering your history of, and obvious inclination to misread, miss points, and select insult over meaningful discourse, what more could we expect.

There is one positive though… we now know you can count to ten.

DaMoKi

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Texting and using cell phone while driving cause so many traffic accidents that they are now banned in many places. And who even heard of texting five years ago? This is yet another example of how we are reacting to the explosive changes wrought by technology in our lives. But the impact of technology on our kids and families has been just as explosive and can be just as destructive as traffic accidents, and also requires severe measures.

The problem is big.
A recent Kaiser Foundation Study shows that 21% of kids 8-18 are using media, including texting and multi-tasking, up to 19 hours daily. Family life and grades are down. Parenting itself is weakened when parents text or use cell phone instead of being fully present with their kids.

The solution must be big.
Media can be great for kids if used right. Only 1/3 of parents set limits, and when they do, media use drops by only 1/3. Not much. Setting limits does not work enough. Parents should plan media use just like they plan meals. A Media Plan must be based on sound child development and family health principles.

It must help families succeed as their kids brains are wired actively during early childhood. It must prevent improper chaotic use in the teen years before it starts. It should translate into practical daily media menus. Be fully present with your children and avoid texting and cell phone use.

Parents themselves may be damaging children when they are not fully present because they are online, on the cell phone, or texting. Not only are they rude or setting bad examples, but their distractions interrupt the vital bond necessary for healthy wiring of young children's brains.

Parent commitment must be big and they need good expert help.
There is no quick fix. Start early and work at it as part of daily parenting. Parents have the home court advantage and they must commit themselves, as they do to a nutrition plan, retirement plan, and to make the family and marriage work.

We need a ban on texting while parenting!

Eitan Schwarz MD FAACAP DLFAPA, is a doctor who knows kids, media, and families. He is board-certified in both general and child and adolescent psychiatry. Currently on the faculty of Northwestern University, he has recently researched the use of digital media in play therapy with children. He is the author of
"Kids, Parents, and Technology: An Instruction Manual for Young Families" (www.mydigitalfamily.org) in paperback and e-book.

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I have a big concern
My 15 years old daughter is very bright and has all As, she is doing very well at school but in last two years I noticed she is dropping all her friends and it's almost one year that she does't go out with any friends and doesn't invite anybody to our house . She hates to talk about it and whenever I bring it up she gets so... upset that I don't dare to talk about it.I am afraid she is becoming a loner, specially that she is ONLY CHILD
Please help me to find a solution
Thanks/Ana

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