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Leaving a Child Out - How Bad?
Filed under: Siblings, Opinions, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Tweens
Do siblings always have to do the same things? Credit: AshD23, Flickr
Does everything always have to be even among siblings? To find out, I called my friend and Mommy Advisor Rosanne Tobey, director of Calm and Sense Therapy, a counseling service.
"I agree with this mom," Tobey said. "There's not necessarily anything wrong with trying to keep things equal when they're too young to understand. Otherwise you're going to end up with constant tantrums. But by kindergarten or first grade, kids can start to understand that the world isn't even all the time."
Here are Tobey's tips on how to keep the peace when things aren't equal:
Have special time with the "left-out" child. When one sibling gets invited to a party and the other doesn't, try to make time to focus on that child so she feels special. But Tobey warns, don't oversell your at-home activities -- as in, "We'll have the most fun at-home day ever!" -- or you'll be setting yourself up for failure.
Explain the situation in terms that make sense to a child. "Tell your child that she wasn't invited because she isn't in the birthday girl's class or isn't her age, not because they aren't friends, which can hurt your child's feelings."
Sympathize with your child. "It's okay to say, 'I can see you're disappointed. I would be, too. What can we do that's fun together?'" Make sure you don't trivialize her feelings. Allow her be sad about it. "If your child is sad or angry about not being invited, that's okay." She's learning that life isn't always fair, which isn't a fun lesson.
Encourage siblings to develop separate friends. They will come to expect that they won't always be invited to the same parties. "They'll learn to develop a little independence from their sibling."
So is it bad to leave one child out if the other sibling gets invited to a party?
It's okay to let her feel disappointed and to help her work through those feelings. "I don't think it's terrible to keep things even," added Tobey. "But if you keep trying to make everything perfectly even, as the kids get older, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of "gotcha" from the kids; they'll always find a way to think things are uneven." Instead, help your kids develop by experiencing the disappointment, recovering from it and developing resilience.
Have you had a less-than-perfect parenting moment and you're wondering, "How bad"? Send it to Sabrina at PrincessLPink9@aol.com. She'll try to answer as many as she can.
Sabrina Weill is the founder of the pink, princess-y gift site: PrincessLovesPink. Many of the Mommy Advisors in this column are the writer's personal or professional friends.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
8-20-2009 @ 2:16PM
SKL said...How about a class? I have 2 daughters whose ages are 3 months apart (elder is nearly 3). One (DD1) is physically advanced and has a tremendous interest in dance and gymnastics. The other (DD2) is physically average and isn't such a rabid fan. I've put them both in classes over the past year, but DD2 has tended to ignore the teacher, either sitting stubbornly or going off and doing her own thing. As they outgrow "mommy & me" classes, DD2's behavior could be a safety issue and certainly a distraction/frustration for the teacher. It's enrollment time again and I'm debating what to do. DD2 is the younger and putting her in a class with sis may mean holding back DD1, who would most likely qualify for a higher-level class. I'll be talking to the teacher to see what she thinks of this, but I'm thinking it would be too mean to start just one child in the class. But I might threaten to withdraw DD2 if she chose not to participate. Hmm, that might actually motivate her . . . .
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8-20-2009 @ 9:13PM
ame s said...My daughters are 2 days short of being 2 years apart. If one has a friend over, I either have the other invite a friend also or have her spend the night with my parents.
If one has a friend over and the other doesn't, they almost always bicker, argue, bug each other.
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9-10-2009 @ 4:24PM
Dolly said...I think having everything even is wrong kids do have to learn that life isn't fair and parents have to learn tough love does work. My older kids have to learn that the little kids get things they don't sometimes to learn things they have already learn just as well as my 5 & 4 year old have to learn that the older kids get to go to places without them and get to do things that they don't because they are not old enough to be trusted to go. When you have one or two kids it's always easier to make things even always easier to afford to make things easy but remember that there are other lessons that tie into others if your child is 18 years old and the other 15 and god forbid the 18 year old gets a tattoo how are you going to even that. I have six kids and they range from 12 to 2 my 6 year old can play outside by her self and my 2 year old cannot. my 12 year old can walk around the corner to a friend's house but my 6 year old cannot. they have to learn that friends and brothers/sisters can have something you don't and making everything even means when you can't make it even they find a way to make it even. sneaking to the tattoo shop, stealing, sneaking out, running off all the other lesson you tried teaching them not to do all out of the door because you made everything even,
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10-09-2009 @ 4:03PM
Kristin said...I think that it depends on the situation. You have to find a middle ground. I am a mother of three. I have a boy and two girls. I can't always be fair.
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2-22-2011 @ 6:28PM
brina8106 said...I have a 10 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. One or the other gets left out of things. My daughter will go to her grandparents on the weekends and my son isn't allowed to go because he won't listen and behave for them. So while she is there I spend time with him, take him somewhere, or play games with him. If she is home and he spends the night somewhere I do the same with her. I hate my children feeling left out but it is going to happen. It is like when one is sick and has to go to the doctor we do that and I take them to McDonalds and get them a Happy Meal. I try to balance it out as much as possible so that they do not feel completely left out.
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