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The Perils Of Disciplining In Public
Filed under: Opinions, Behavior: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Behavior: Big Kids
Recent video of a woman from Gaylesville, Georgia dragging her son through a Verizon store has sparked heated online debates about what constitutes appropriate punishment and the challenges of exercising discipline in public.
Melissa Catherine Smith-Means, 37, the mother caught on the store security camera, was arrested for the incident and charged with felony first-degree cruelty to a child. To date, no one is quite sure if she dragged her child because he refused to walk or if she did it with the child's consent as part of a game, as her attorney asserts.
Regardless, parents coast to coast are sounding off on the issue because no matter what side you come out on, the side of the mom, the child, the appalled store employees, or the arresting officer, parents universally relate to the age-old public discipline dilemma. We've all been there, surrounded by strangers, face to face with a naughty, stubborn child and the choice to either give in to his/her demands, or follow through with our disciplinary threat, despite the disapproving stares of onlookers.
Melissa Smith-Means has not publicly clarified the context of the video, presumably because the charges are still pending. I, for one, will reserve judgment until I hear from her directly – for a lot of reasons.
One, as a former reality-TV show participant, I know first-hand that video can be deceptive when taken out of context. Second, as an at-home mom who is on the front lines of discipline with my five kids all day long, I know that a ten-second video clip of my worst mommy moment is not an accurate portrait of who I am as a parent or the kind of loving home I work so hard to build for my children.
To be honest, I've been burned before for not taking the time to walk in another mother's shoes before judging her choice of disciplinary tactics. Readers might recall a column I once wrote about, Bertreice Dixon, a mom who punished her 12 year-old son for bullying and stealing a fellow classmate's iPod. Dixon forced her son, Montavious Lewis, to stand on a busy corner, wearing a hat with the letter "D" for "dumb" and a sandwich board stating what he had done to his classmate. He also carried a bell he was expected to ring so he could attract the attention of cars and pedestrians at the busy intersection where his mother made him stand. And attract attention he did, including a local news camera crew who captured him shuffling back and forth and looking both bored and understandably embarrassed. They even interviewed Montavious, who seemed to me to be holding back tears. I couldn't help but feel for the kid.
In my column, I acknowledged Bertreice's intentions as good, and even loving, but I rejected her choice of discipline, which I called "humiliating" and probably "unproductive". I received more than 700 comments on that column, and virtually all of them disagreed with me and more importantly, challenged me to consider the unique set of problems Bertreice faced raising her son in a gang-prone environment. After reading all the comments, I came to the conclusion that despite my sympathy for Montavious, Bertreice was, indeed, a far better judge than I of what her son would respond to and more importantly, of the dangers she was trying to protect him from. Lesson learned!
Talk to any grandparent these days and they'll tell you that today's kids lack discipline. Talk to anybody older than 35 and they'll tell you that their parents might very well have been reported for "child abuse" by today's time-out, talk-it-out approach to parenting.
It's a good thing that our culture has a greater awareness of child abuse and encourages adults to respect the dignity of children. But is our culture sending parents mixed messages? On the one hand, we decry a near epidemic lack of discipline in children that has eroded manners and self-control once taken for granted in kids a mere generation ago. From grandparents, teachers and even President Obama, there's a cry for parents to take more responsibility for their kids' behavior. On the other hand, when parents do, or rather, when we see them doing it, we are quick to judge.
Child abuse is flat out wrong, but where's the line between abuse and non-traditional forms of punishment that an individual parent deems effective?
For those interested in talking about this topic on TV, Dr. Phil is looking for you. Click here to leave him a comment. I will be appearing on an upcoming Dr. Phil episode to discuss this very controversial issue.
Rachel Campos-Duffy is the author of Stay Home, Stay Happy: 10 Secrets to Loving At-Home Motherhood.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
8-30-2009 @ 6:24PM
Jana said...The use of "leashes" on children conjures up a picture of something that is used on dogs, but they are used for good reason. Leashes on children can be ok and even a good thing if used in the proper context by a caring, concerned parent who is paying attention to the child and using it to protect him/her, such as in a crowded area where the parent can not carry the child and wants and needs the child to stay close for their own protection and safety.
However, the woman in this video did not pay any attention to the child that she was literally "dragging" through the room and on the floor, which looked like bare concrete. The child was several feet away from her, and she showed no concern in the least for his safety. She did not even look back to check on the child, even when she went around a corner and it looked like the child might have hit his head on the corner. She kept going. Use of a leash on a child by someone who is not using it responsibly to carefully protect a child from harm should not be using it, as just seen in this video.
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8-31-2009 @ 8:50PM
Sifrina said...Jana - Agreed - "leashes" in themselves don't bother me (only parents can decide if this is a safer approach for their "runaway" child) but the dragging is disturbing, even if play. This mom appears to not care what's going on behind her which makes me uneasy.
Speaking of uneasy, I'm a germophobe, so the floor's not my favorite place outside our house, but kids love hanging out there and I notice a lot of parents are more relaxed than I am about this in public settings.
9-01-2009 @ 10:01PM
Karen said...I think that in an ideal world, I would not spank my child. I hate hurting her. However while consequences, times outs etc work well for more benign situations like the ones outlined by the AAP, it is difficult to communicate to a child the real danger of for example, running out into the street.
My daughter had been told multiple times by both myself and my husband not to open the door when we were not in the room. I was asleep in the bedroom one day and woke to a strange voice in the house. I jumped out of bed and saw my five year old at the door chatting with the mail woman. While nothing happened I was absolutely terrified about what could have happened. In my mind, at that point a spanking was far far more benevolent that allowing the "natural consequences". It was also the only really effective way I could find to impress upon her the extreme nature of the possible consequences of her actions. It worked really well because after that I just had to whisper for example: "putting your hand down the garbage disposal is like opening the door to a stranger" and that was the end of the behavior.
I have often heard other mothers of African decent say - I'd rather spank my son now than have the police beat him in the street when he is older. So there are real fears about what could happen to our children if we are not decisive with them now.
So my question is - if we shouldn't spank our children how do we deal with behaviors that could have tragic consequences?What happens when "time out" just isn't enough?
9-04-2009 @ 10:34AM
Mary Sullivan said...Yes--what she said!
These are exactly the impressions I had watching the video. The mom looks tuned out and despondent (and certainly many of us can relate to days/moments when you feel that way as a parent) and isn't watching her kid while she's dragging him. He could have hit a corner, knocked a display onto himself, gotten stepped on or tripped over by another shopper...the list goes on. Even if this was a "game" as she apparently said, is it worth the safety risk? And it's just not acceptable public behavior, for either the mom or the kid. If the kid requests this at HOME as a game, whatever (although you still need to watch where he's going...). This wasn't home. Not sure it's "felony" level, but it would be weird if the mom just walked out and nobody did or said anything.
Mary
http://www.squidoo.com/too-much-homework
8-30-2009 @ 6:34PM
Mike said...All my life, I've seen leashes on kids when in a crowded, potentially dangerous setting. Especially if the kid is in the habit of no obeying parents and just running off wherever they please, whether into a busy street with no thought about looking out for cars or disappearing into a crowd and out of sight of a parent or guardian even for a few seconds and winding up in the clutches of some pedophile or other type of sicko.
Since I'm in my mid 50's and having seen them on kids when I was of the age that a parent might consider leashing me the number of twisted people out in public has grown exponentially so I'm strongly in favor of leashing a child if the parent sees fit. Having said that, there should also be rules on what are proper ways to use leashes on children and if the leash is not used responsibly and for the child's safety and wellbeing, then the penalties should be strict. The sight of a video like that evokes strong emotions and the mother was definitely in the wrong. I still wonder what happened before the video that resulted in the spectacle we saw here.
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8-30-2009 @ 6:50PM
Amy said...As a stay at home mother of two very mischievous boys ages 4 and 6, there are times when I personally feel that a spanking on the butt is what one or both of my children need. Child abuse is one thing, spanking is another. As far as spanking them in public, I have not or will not do it. That is my personal feeling but do not judge someone if they choose to do so.
I sat with my jaw to the floor when I watched the video of the woman dragging her son across the floor. When I first thought about this, my thought was, I would never put my child on a leash. Our children are humans, not animals. After thinking about it, I could justify putting on a "leash" if it was to keep my child from getting lost in the shuffle of a busy airport or something of that nature, as long as the child was walking with you. Dragging your child arcoss the floor as a form of disciplining is simply ridiculous. This is when you need to put them in a stroller to keep them under control. I know I don't know how this child was acting but I do know that no matter how bad one of my boys was being out in public, I would never humilate them by dragging them across the floor by a leash. Again, our children are human, not animals. Not to mention the germs and diseases that could have been on a public store floor.
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9-01-2009 @ 11:47AM
skatelikecrazy17 said...lol you guys are so stupid. Talking and negotiating with your child over why they threw a fit in the store is about as stupid as Obama's idea to negotiate with the terrorists instead of just killing them. If someone knows that if they do something wrong they can get away with a little "talking to", they will obviously do it again! we are so concerned about making sure kids never experience any grief or paint that we are doing more harm than good! I'm glad my parents didn't just "talk" to me when i was bad. Now we have a great relationship. Even infants are smarter than you think. A child should have a HEALTHY fear of their parents. They shouldn't be scared of their parents but they should be afraid of doing something bad.
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10-31-2010 @ 9:53AM
jerseyjean said...Just don't do it in public - when others don't agree the new quick data delivery age makes it easy for do gooders to cause you aggrivation for disaplining your child. I understand that to you it may have looked like abuse but if you had to get out of you car & use a pay phone - would you really have called? Sometimes the 24 - 48 hour rule may be the best rule - if it is still eating at you then - do something - chances are you will realize that one smack - a loud very voice ( I will not deny that I am a loud person) & and placing a child at eye level is not abuse.
9-01-2009 @ 1:29PM
Katydid71 said...As a child protective services worker in a state where spanking is still at the discretion of the parent, I can assure you that it is extremely frustrating not to be able to condemn parents for spanking. I have seen many parents who never would have identified themselves as child abusers do really awful things. Afterward, they feel shocked, ashamed, and disgusted by what they've done. This isn't an illness and it doesn't only happen in cases where the parents involved have been abused themselves or have severe anger issues. We all have a breaking point, and once your child brings you to it, it can simply be difficult to stop yourself from keeping your discipline to the simple spanking you initially intended. I have seen children who have been burned with cigarettes, who have had parts of their scalps ripped away, and who have been strangled, not to mention the far more common broken bones and concussions. None of these things were done by unloving parents who maliciously plotted to harm their children. These were remorseful parents that were driven to the edge of their sanity by their children and lost control when they only intended to administer a spanking. If you insist on hitting your children, PLEASE make certain that your anger is in check before you do it. The best way, if there can be one, is to not hit them as a heated and immediate reaction to something they've done, but to explain to them that they will be getting spanked and why, and to wait until you are somewhere private. Administer the spanking in a calm manner, and ask them to think about why they are getting it. The dread of knowing they have a spanking coming will at least force them to think about what they've done, where as an immediate spanking will be forgotten about almost as soon as it's over.
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10-31-2010 @ 9:52AM
JerseyJean said...I disagree with you completely - a spanking should only be used to extingish a current situtation. In my opinion parents that wait till they get home are more likely to abuse their children. I believe in get it over & done with (by the way one or two cracks is all that should ever be done). Does a child really remember that they are being spanked for something they did 30 minutes before? People need to realize that most abusers do not "spank" their children in public - this may call attention to what goes on behind closed doors. Anything that I do to my children in private I had not problem doing in public but others did. I will not make my children wait till they get home for a spanking (plus I don't believe in spankings - I believe in a crack or two) but please understand if my child is acting up do gooders have now caused me to decided I will not correct them. I apologize in advance for their behavior & if you look at me funny I will tell you that there was a time when I would have corrected them but no more.
9-05-2009 @ 1:58PM
Rashid Mansoor said...love uk
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9-05-2009 @ 2:17PM
Tired said...I think it's all about consistency. As long as parents use their chosen forms of discipline (spanking, time-out, both, etc.) consistently, and not out of anger, I'm all for it. The problem is... we're all imperfect. We all make mistakes, especially when we're frustrated with outside stresses and our child misbehaves. I think many parents make the mistake of spanking their child when their at their wits end, sometimes resulting in a rough spanking and unwarranted spanking.
My parents were "off-the-boat" and spanked me and my siblings often growing up, and we all turned out normal. My parents weren't perfect, but they were in no way abusive. Boundaries need to be set for children- bottom-line. Some parents can successfully set those boundaries with non-spanking methods, and other parents can by spanking. Whatever works- as long as it's consistent and not abusive.
By the way, that video is disturbing. I don't know the details involved, so I'll try not to pass judgment on the mother until they come out.
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9-22-2009 @ 5:12PM
Mamaof4 said...After reading all these comments, I have to say that each parent knows their child better than any "stranger" at the mall, movie, etc. I IN NO WAY CONDONE abuse of any sort, but I personally do not think spanking is child abuse. Some children do not respond well to spanking, others respond extremely well. Each child is an individual person- different methods of discipline work differently on each one of my kids. No one knows that better than my husband and myself. Watch out- when you judge others harshly, you too will be judged just as harsh. And, as already stated, I would not want people to take a 10 second blurp out of one of my "bad days" and judge my mothering capabilities on that 10 second clip. So unfair.
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10-31-2010 @ 9:52AM
JerseyJean said...I am going through that right now - the worse part is the hopeless feeling it leaves you with - a crack & loud firm voice always worked but three people disagree with me & have caused me such a headache that I will now allow my children to what they want in public. Please the next time you see a wild child in public & the parent not doing anything - Do not belame the parent (I use to) but belame Society. By the way I think if they feel that you are wrong - they should be required to by the toy your child wanted that you couldn't afford which led to the tantrum.