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Mother Never Told Dying Daughter End Was Near
Filed under: Medical Conditions, In The News, Weird But True, Amazing Parents
Jeanette Gilderdale, right, with her daughter Rachael. Credit: John Connors Press Associates
She knew her teenage daughter was going to die, but didn't tell her.
"I couldn't have her waking up every morning wondering if today was the day," Jeanette Gilderdale of Eastbourne (south of London along the English Channel) told the London Daily Mail.
Her daughter Rachael was 13 when the family doctor said she had no more than six months to live. Gilderdale decided then to keep the diagnosis a secret, even though Rachael defied expectations by living another four years.
Gilderdale spotted a mole on her daughter's right knee in 1988. It turned out to be malignant melanoma. Rachael died a month before her 18th birthday in 2002.
In a story in the Daily Mail on Sept. 8, Gilderdale opened up about her decision to keep Rachael's terminal condition secret. Gilderdale told the paper she has taken criticism for letting death take her daughter by surprise, but added she doesn't regret her decision.
"How can you tell a 13-year-old she's going to die?" she told the Daily Mail. "You can't. I didn't want her living with fear. I wanted her to have a normal life, however much of it she had left. So I put my tears in my pocket and pulled out my smile. And I kept that smile for the next four years."
In the meantime, Rachael got a boyfriend, pursued college plans and dreamed of one day joining the Royal Air Force.
What do you think? Would you tell your terminally ill child she or he is dying?
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 10)
9-09-2009 @ 10:01PM
Mary B said...I agree with Mandy! I've almost given up on reading comments to articles on AOL because they usually degenerate into name calling. However the respect and consideration that everyone has given to each other and to this difficult situation is touching. I've never been placed in this position; to anyone who has been faced with this decision, they can only do what they feel is best for their child. May they be given the strength to do whatever they feel is necessary.
9-10-2009 @ 4:46AM
Steve said...How would YOU feel if some one come to you and tell you: YOU are going to die in the next few months ? Think about it for 3 minutes then answer the question ! BTW, my respond to the question was : NO.
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9-09-2009 @ 9:21PM
gilibean said...I would have to vote no I would not tell. I would not want my kids wondering everyday is today the day I wll die,no I would want them to live a worry free life as possible and go on as nothing was wrong. But I also belive it also maybe a sign of denile because I would totally be in denile if we dont talk about it it does not excist but every family is different and each should do what they feel is right in there heart!
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9-09-2009 @ 9:25PM
Barry said...Until you have lost a child, there is nothing you can say. Mom had to be a strong lady to smile and still keep this inside. I could never have done this. God bless you mom.
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9-09-2009 @ 9:27PM
Nevuela said...Look, I can totally understand that we don't know what it's like until it happens to us personally, but can someone please explain why it's okay for an ADULT to know they're going to die, but not a child? Where exactly does one draw the line? It's only a few years' age difference, after all. Like a 17-year-old. Still a child by law, but then suddenly they're 18 and they're adults. See what I mean?
Maybe terminally ill children wouldn't live the rest of their short lives in fear and sorrow if their parents just taught them the positive side of what we call death. You know, that all it is is that we move on to another realm of existence - heaven, maybe, depending on your beliefs - and that all their pain and suffering will be over. AND that they will be reunited with their family one day. Simple as that.
Besides, I feel that it is wrong to withhold such information from ANYONE because they should have the right to plan out their remaining days as they see fit. Maybe have the Make-a-Wish Foundation grant the poor kid’s wishes. I sure as hell would not keep my kid in school. What a waste of precious time that they could be spending with their family and enjoying what’s left of their life! Most kids don’t even like school, and there’s no point in learning anymore if they’re going to be gone soon, right?
How selfish it is, not only for the kid, but for their friends. One day the kid will be gone and all his or her friends will be in total shock and grief. If they had only known, then they could have spent more time with their friend before losing them. And what if they had had a fight with one of their friends, and they didn’t make up before the kid died? The other kid would probably never forgive himself for that, even though it’s the parents who should never be forgiven.
I think it should be against the law for anyone to withhold such crucial information from a child, no matter how young. The very first person the diagnosing doctor should break the news to is the child. I can tell you right now that I would NEVER, EVER forgive ANYONE who knew I was dying but didn’t tell me. Don’t you people realize that even CHILDREN have goals and dreams? And to not tell them that they only have a short time left on this earth completely ruins their chances at achieving them?
You people who agree with this woman make me sick, and I just pray your lost loved ones forgive you for what you’ve done to them. And don’t you DARE try to tell me that YOU wouldn’t want to be told you were dying soon. EVERYONE wants to have their affairs in order before they go. At the very least make a will so that your stuff doesn’t just end up with whoever got hold of it first, or worse, in the trash.
EVERYBODY dies. Just tell your kids not to be afraid. Teach them the brighter side of it all, and who knows, maybe they’ll even look forward to “meeting Jesus” or whatever it is you’ve told them about.
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9-09-2009 @ 9:37PM
Rebecca said...Please do not be so sanctimonious until you have walked in a parent's shoes. Perhaps one day YOU will be told that your 3-year-old has a potentially terminal cancer. Then YOU can decide whether you want to accept that verdict and tell him that he is going to die. Or perhaps you will want to do everything you can to get him through it and see that he gets to live every minute of his life.
It's easy to pass judgment when you haven't BEEN THERE.
9-09-2009 @ 10:00PM
Someone is Here said...Excuse me, Rebecca, but what did I just say? The very first thing I said was this: “Look, I can totally understand that we don't know what it's like until it happens to us personally, but can someone please explain why it's okay for an ADULT to know they're going to die, but not a child? Where exactly does one draw the line?”
The rest of my message was merely me stating my case against the decision to not tell a child he or she is dying. You need to learn to read the ENTIRE message before preaching to the person who posted it. Looks like you didn’t even read the first line. All I did was give all the reasons I believe a child has the right to know they’re dying. I have every right to do so. YOU have no right to tell me otherwise.
9-10-2009 @ 12:09AM
Cy Tott said...When I was about 13 an older cousin of mine, got into an argument with her husband before he left to meet friends to go hunting. He was leaving after work, and she didn't want him to go because she said he would be too tired to drive such a long way by himself. The argument became very angry and heated and they both said ugly and harsh words that should not have been said before he slammed out of the house without a kiss or a decent goodbye.. Several hours later he fell asleep at the wheel, hit a bridge abutment and was killed. Obviously she was right, but that did not make her feel any better about the last words and moments they spent together before he left. Although she knew in her heart they loved one another, and the argument grew so ugly probably because her husband was so tired, it took years for her to get past those last moments together in spite of all the good moments they had had.
This incident changed my life forever too. It was many, many years ago but never do I part company with family or friends without a hug, a kiss and I love you, no matter what, no matter how angry, no matter how short the intended parting, no one in my life will ever doubt my love for them even if we disagree. Sometimes my spouse or my kids say I am silly, but then they smile and tell me they love me too. The point: live like you are dying, every single day. None of us knows when that day will be, a plane could drop out of the sky on top of you in the next minute. Its not up to us. If there is something you really want to do, do it as soon as you can. Try to live so whenever that moment is, people will smile when they think of you. And last but not least, forgive as much as you are capable of forgiving and then ask God to give you the grace to help you to forgive some more.
Jesus Christ said in the Lord's prayer, to ask God to:
Forgive us our trespasses (sins, mistakes, goof ups, etc.)
AS WE FORGIVE OTHERS.
What a profound statement that demands serious attention!
If we will receive from God ONLY the amount of mercy, the grace and the forgiveness we have given to others, doesn't it behoove us to start giving out as much of that mercy, grace and forgiveness as we can muster, and again, ask God to help you to forgive MORE.
9-09-2009 @ 9:26PM
Diane said...I'm a Christ follower and my children know that when they die, they will go to heaven to be with Jesus. It's not a scary thing, it's a great thing. Yes, I would be sad to lose one of my children, I would miss them terribly but I would also know that they are safe and in the arms of our lord. Even at the age of 7, my youngest understands this.
It's also hard to say what we would do until we are walking in that parents shoes.
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9-09-2009 @ 9:28PM
Diane said...I agree with Barry.
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9-09-2009 @ 9:29PM
patty said...this story is tragic because it took place in england-the land of government controled healthcare. some gov. official probably decided her treatment would be too expensive. If she lived 4 more years without treatment- she may still be alive today if they had treated her cancer aggressively-regardless of the cost. she may have been able to live all her dreams. welcome to our future if obama care passes......
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9-09-2009 @ 9:30PM
Yggs said...I'm on the receiving end of this, only, having just turned 18, my doctor told me and not my parents about my life expectancy.
My parents don't know.
Every day should be filled with hope and love for the ones who take care of you. Since there is nothing that can be done, right now, just keep living for the moment. If you can make one other person happy, you will have done well.
It is up to each and every person and their level of maturity to decide how to handle certain death. I'm glad this girl had a chance to live how she wanted to. That is how we should all live to our deaths.
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9-09-2009 @ 9:51PM
Lisa said...Given six months to live, I think she would have given up. Being she made it four years, I think her mother made the right decision.
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9-09-2009 @ 11:15PM
Bettina Higgens said...Thank God I have NOT have to make such a decision for one of my six daughters of her life expectently. YOU are a very BRAVE and LOVING mother to have to keep this inside of you all this time knowing the end would be near.
I feel you did the right thing as by letting her live each day with happiness, doing all the things that teenages do with each other to have fun, study together, go to class parties etc. is what you allowed her to do until the end. My prayers and heart goes out to you for being such a great, caring and wonderful mother.
My heart and prayers go out to you and family and I know you feel the vacant spot in your heart for your daughter BUT you DID give her life by not letting her know the whole story. God Bless you.
YOU Did the Right Thing as I would have gone that route myself.
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9-10-2009 @ 4:14PM
krystal said...what an incredibly strong woman. she gave her daughter the gift of a normal life, so she wouldn't have to live in fear & could enjoy her last years to their fullest. i commend her for staying strong for her daughter. i would have done the same.
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9-09-2009 @ 9:46PM
gary said...if you believe the bible how could you not tell some one at the age of accountable that their is life after death to those who believe in JESUS CHRIST.
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9-09-2009 @ 9:48PM
andie said...I am absolutely in total awe. I beleive that the mother in this story is a true angel. Her most important role in this life time is to be the best mother that she could be and I FEEL that she did exactly what her daughters creator wanted for her to do. I am the proud mother of 6 children. 5 are my natural children & 1 we have had since the day she was born, two years now & we are adopting. I am not a weak woman but I am not sure how I would face living day by day not knowing if today was the day that one of my children would no longer grace me with their presence. Her concerne was that her child would live with a shaking soul instead of being happy & living life to the fullest on lifes terms. I can not stop the tears from staining my face right now. Right on mom. my hat is off to you. Absolutely beautiful you are! Thank you!
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9-09-2009 @ 9:47PM
Shona said...She may have known she was sick and sought treatment, and the mother just didn't tell her that she would die from it. They were not very clear in the story on what was said to the daughter. Im sure if there was any kind of treatments or hope for her child she would have gotten it.
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9-09-2009 @ 9:49PM
Rob said...Never having children I can't imagine what a parent goes through knowing they're going to lose the child...very sad...very brave. My only question about this story is why is it surfacing now? The poor kid died almost 7 years ago.
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9-10-2009 @ 6:00PM
sal said...This mother and her child lived in the UK, where their healthcare is governed by rules that we in America don't have to deal with-so far.
Could be that the UK system knew her cancer stage was such that she would eventually die anyway. The mother may have known something about the UK socialized healthcare would give another doc app't 5 or 6 months and the doc had already led her to believe that it would be unnecessary, because her daughter would already be dead. I wonder about the deception that goes on in the UK and Canada when it comes to people who are in need of expensive procedures and treatments. I wonder about this slam bam you will mamm healthcare obama is rushing through the Congress.............The mother, in my opinion made a very brave decision, and then to put a smile on her face and proceed with the activities of daily life, is amazing Grace. We in America have been allowed to fight for what we think is right, in the UK, this mother did not have our history of, pursuit of healthcare, even if we have to sell the stock, or the house, or the boat, or the cows, etc. We go the extra miles, because we can. But, that day may be coming to an end. This English mother is brave, yes, but she is full of wonderful memories of those 4 years of Grace. I pray that I could do the same, even if it were me who had a killing prognosis.
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