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Mom Says, Dad Says
Two parents duke it out
Categories: Divorce & Custody, Celeb Parenting, Behaving Badly, In The News, Twins, Triplets, Multiples
The Gosselin's split has been bitter and public. Whose side are you on? Credit: COP / BuzzFoto / FilmMagic
Reality Check: Kate Gosselin is a Good Mom
by Susan Avery
Kate Gosselin is not crazy for keeping her marriage band on her left ring finger. She is not an emotional basket case for tearing up publicly a few times lately. And she's certainly not a lunatic to check on who's baby-sitting her young children.
Kate is a mother going through a divorce.
With that misery – be it public or private – comes waves of feelings that need time to process. You don't have to be a trained therapist to understand the upheaval involved in a breakup, especially one that involves children. The initial shock of it all feels like you're swimming underwater. You can see, but things seem fuzzy. You can think, but your certainty can't be trusted. You can stand, but you're always wobbly. And you definitely can't breathe.
What you have are your instincts.
That's what Kate went on last month when she came by the house during Jon's time with the kids. The two – of TLC's Jon & Kate Plus Eight – have a custodial agreement worked out, called a bird's nest in matrimonial-court parlance, where the children remain in the family home and the parents take turns living there.
Back in August, Kate found out that someone she didn't know was baby-sitting her children and she went to the home to eyeball the woman. According to reports, Jon wouldn't let her in the house and the police were called. None of this happened in front of the kids and no arrests were made.
Last week on ABC's "The View," Kate was a guest host and she was called on the carpet by Whoopi Goldberg to defend what she did. Her response was honest, responsible and classy. She said she was uncomfortable not knowing who was minding the kids. She also said she was wrong to do it. Never once did she bash Jon.
Granted, in a legal sense, Kate was wrong. But in a maternal sense, she was as right as rain. If a parent has the feeling that something is not kosher, it's that parent's obligation to check it out. No one, including Jon, has accused Kate of going to the house and acting like a raving madwoman. She didn't pull a wacky move like banging down the door with an ax, or bringing camera crews with her, or make a production of it by involving the police. She went there to find out who's in control of her kids.
Control is the keyword here. As the stay-at-home parent who was always in control of her kids, Kate is now going through a very normal withdrawal phase. Her precious brood is now under someone else's care part of the time. We don't know how she found out that a stranger was watching her kids and what lead up to her knocking on the door. I'm going to venture a guess: I'm thinking that she called Jon and he wasn't particularly forthcoming with the information. Or, he offered up the name of the baby sitter and it raised her antennae. Any good mother would be concerned.
Since the court papers are sealed, no one is privy to the custody agreement. But I can almost guarantee this much: There's a provision in there that says something about joint decision-making over the kids lives. If Kate was not part of the decision on choosing that baby sitter, she had every right to check it out. Period.
When news of their divorce hit back in June, Jon said, "This will be a difficult transition for all of us ... We are no different than other couples and parents who are facing a crossroads in their marriage."
Exactly my point. This goes on every day with parents in passage out of their marriages. Let's stop beating up on Kate. She may be a reality-TV mom, but she's also a human being.
Sorry, Kate, This is About The Law, Not Your 'Instincts'
by Tom Henderson
The hardest things to do in a divorce where children are involved is to cut through emotion and deal with reality.
This is especially true when the children are the two people getting divorced.
Listening to reality-show parents Jon and Kate Gosselin snipe at each other, you just want to pull the car over and tell them to forget it. No one gets ice cream today.
These people need to seriously grow up before they can be truly functional parents to their eight children. Kate appeared on ABC's "The View" last week to, among other things, explain why she violated her agreement with Jon by showing up at the house on the day he had custody of the kids. She wanted to know who the new baby sitter was. This made Kate's spider sense tingle. She drove over to the house, she said, and sobbed at the gate. She says she knows she was wrong. She says she learned her lesson.
Not really.
She still maintains a mother must listen to her instincts, that both parents should be equally involved in the hiring of baby sitters. This isn't about her relationship with Jon. Oh, by the way, did she mention he is a no-good %#@?
The facts are, like it or not, you give up a certain amount of control over your children in a divorce. You have to trust that the other parent will make good decisions. As long as the person is not physically or psychologically abusive, butt out.
That applies to hiring baby sitters. Kate never met this woman. She had no reason to feel uneasy other than her "motherly instincts."
Sorry. Not good enough.
If she had serious misgivings, she could have -- should have -- called in outside authorities to investigate.
The fact that she ended up sobbing at the gate proves she was operating on emotion rather than reason. Loving instincts are important. They separate Mary Poppins from Cruella De Vil. However, you don't throw reason out with the bath water.
At some point, you have trust your ex is not going to eat your young. Don't second guess the parent on the front lines. The first commandment of being a noncustodial parent is, "Thou shalt not futz around with the agreement."
You turn over control when you turn over custody. So does your ex. Custody is a matter of law, not instinct.
It's reality. Deal with it.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 21)
citygirl1178 9-23-2009 @ 2:14PM
I think it's time Kate backs off. I understand it's hard for her to go and spend time alone while Jon is in charge of the kids. But she did choose this man to father her children, and she also choose to cut his balls off during their married life. Now she doesn't like that she can't control him and he is being a man and a father now that he's in control of his balls again. If she was so worried about how her kids are being treated or seen then she needs to take the cameras off of them and their lives. Fix your home, you have enough money....I hope she is setting some cash aside for the kids therapy they'll need.
Reply
Pat 9-23-2009 @ 2:55PM
Kate should not have been sneaking. Everyone seems to think Jon was the one who messed up, but he atleast didnot break up another marriage. Women like Kate are not real high in my book. She wouldn't even give her little girl a glass of water, but she had one her self..........she is a momzilla
cas 9-23-2009 @ 3:14PM
I think the reason Kate was a ball buster is because Jon has none and he is child like. So I guess someone has to take charge and be a Mother and a Father.
I read that the reason Kate went there in the first place was because one of the twins called and told her Daddy was acting funny with the babysitter...I rest my case.
Inkling 9-23-2009 @ 3:39PM
I am sick and tired of people like YOU who read a tabloid or watch a scripted and highly edited "reality show" and think you know so much about a person's life or their personality. She has every right to know WHO is watching the kids when she is not, (and that includes any current squeeze of Jon's too). Just because the parents are divorcing or separated does not mean that they can go off and bring whoever they want into their children's lives. It should apply to BOTH of them. It seems that neither of them are mature enough to make a rational decision about CHOOSING the right people to bring into their children's lives. After all, they CHOSE each other, CHOSE to bring 8 children into this world, CHOSE to put their family on a "Reality TV Show", CHOSE to act like fools, and CHOSE to let fame go to their heads. I don't think either one of them were looking out for their children at any time.
Bethann 9-23-2009 @ 7:08PM
So very true! I understand she wants alot of money but many people make it on alot less with that many children. She said she is a nurse so go back to nursing, they seem to be make decent money. Then the kids don't have to be plastered on tv and Mom can spend more time with the kids. Love is spelled TIME to kids. John seems to be trying to go on with his life and get counseling. He has said in the past he would be happy going back to work in IT. Those aren't bad paying jobs either. You don't have to live in a million dollar home to raise happy, healthy and loving children.
Noebody61 9-24-2009 @ 4:08AM
Get a job and support your family JON! You can sure spend the kids money so how about earning some of your own.
Donna 9-24-2009 @ 7:53AM
I think Kate is acting very mature in this whole scandal. She is taking very good care of her children, she doesn't talk about or bash her ex and especially in front of the kids. John is all about me, me, me! He is so childish and selfish. Just re-watch the interview he did on TV a few weeks ago. It tells all you need to know about him.
Jen 9-23-2009 @ 3:37PM
Ok citygirl you obviously have never been through a divorce. Maybe you should walk a mile in Kates shoes before you judge!! I have been there and I know how hard this time can be and I would imagine it is equally as hard in the spot light with everyone judging you.
judie 9-23-2009 @ 5:14PM
So true. You can already tell by watching these kids they have emotional problems. Watching them scream and throw tantrums is terrible but I see their mother doing it also.
ewerang 9-23-2009 @ 6:29PM
Jon had no balls to cut off. He's selfish and childlike - not to mention lazy! Jon has a lot of growing up to do. He complains about having kids so early - I can tell you his kids were NO accident!! Bad choices Jon! Don't let your kids suffer because of them!
glory25420 9-25-2009 @ 1:37PM
Kate was constantly having to point out to Jon what needed to be done. He could never discern the obvious and just do it without being prompted. Having to tell your "helpmate" what to do and when to do it is just as stressful and burdensome as having a 9th child. He always appeared to let chao's reign because it was easier on him than actually getting doing the work of disciplining and/or teaching or engaging the kids. If he wasn't so self centered he would cut out anything that could make single mom Kate stressed out, and worry that his comments and swinging lifestyle might impact her ability to deal with his kids. It seems like Jon is mad at Mommy and doesn't "get" the enormity of leaving her alone to raise 8 small children. The least he could do is follow the routines and rules she sets for them, instead of indulging his childish temper, since it is the children who pay the consequences.
ArmyMom42805 9-23-2009 @ 4:13PM
She's a Mom, yes she chose him to father her children...but in the end I don't think either of them are "bad" people they're just living their life out loud! I can assure you law or no law if I wanted to check on my children I would as would most Moms. That being said Jon has rights too! I think Jon's biggest problem is he's a passive aggressive personality and likes to sometime play poor pitiful me look how mean old Kate is busting my balls! So the Hell what! I bet he knew she was a ball buster before he married her, we ball busters don't hide that stuff for long! They are who they are and there's always her side, his side and the truth!
judyjjbod 9-23-2009 @ 4:17PM
Kate has always been in control (more a case of her being an out of control, harping nag) so its going to be hard for her to realize that she is not actually in control of anyone but herself because she managed to get by with it for so long! She believes her so called "celebrity" status is going to ensure that she gets her way any way she can. Jon may be sowing a few wild oats, and use his wrong head to make a few decisions, but I'd bet my life savings that he would never put his childrens lives in jeopardy. I don't believe Kate is capable of mothering her 8 children without a slew of help & ton of money. (Jon either for that matter...but I do believe he would do a much better job the majority of time, and he would have much more tolerable children.) I have been divorces raised 4 kids by myself and they are jall fine adults and citizens
GJSly 9-23-2009 @ 4:18PM
Each parent has the right to know just who is baby sitting their children! Both parents should agree on just who is qualified to baby sit their children. A mother's instinct is what has helped the human race (and most all animal life) survive - so don't knock it.
vballgrl 9-23-2009 @ 4:28PM
ok. so i agree with citigirl. not only is kate a bitch but she's also a pain in the ass and like someone said earlier a momzilla. not only that she's the idiot who is exploiting her kids. that's being a bad mom from step one. when they were interviewed asking if they would do another season jon started to say no and she interrupted him, said of course they are and gave him a look that could kill. he obviously wanted to stop. kated is a bitch who got herself into this mess. yes they both need to grow up and she has every right to know who's watching her kids but she needs to learn to act her age rather than acting the age of one of her kids.
Kerri 9-25-2009 @ 9:02AM
If you ever want to talk about the realities of divorce, please send me an email, thebrownstowne3@aol.com. What a shame you feel Kate should back off. Does anyone ever think of how the party who did not want the divorce feels about splitting their children? It's agony to be away from your children!
stacy 9-24-2009 @ 3:12PM
If you have seen the previous episodes of the show, Kate is a controlling person over EVERYTHING. She talked down to her husband all the time!!! No wife or husband should be treated that way. You cannot treat people the way she treated her husband. The whole thing is a shame and horrible for the children. But if you treat your spouse like crap, then someone else is going to come along and make them feel better or they will just leave on their own accord.
c 9-23-2009 @ 5:08PM
Main ingredient. Only ingredient (at this point) the children!
Keep their best interest in mind! You are adults. Deal with yours
AFTER the children's.
Bonny 9-23-2009 @ 6:14PM
Time to face it . Both dont care how much this hurts the kids. They will know when the kids reach teen age that they screwed them up badly.it will only get worse both are to blame.
Judy 9-23-2009 @ 6:18PM
I think Kate has reason to worry. The "babysitter" has gained a lot of publicity lately with her comments about how she and Jon had a hot tub "tryst" while she was there. The kids were in bed and she commented about how she kept watching the house, afraid the kids would wake and come out. Jon is totally irresponsible and, in my opinion, is going to self-destruct at some point. I don't always agree with Kate, but I think she is a lot more responsible and cares a whole lot more about the kids and their welfare and future than Jon does. He says he misses the kids but then he says he loves to go to New York where it is quiet and peaceful and he can go out. What a dad..... And.....I would certainly be scrubbing down that hot tub!