Are We Doing This Parenting Thing All Wrong?

by Gary Drevitch (Subscribe to Gary Drevitch's posts) Sep 24th 2009 6:00AM

Categories: Just For Moms, Just For Dads, Development, In The News, Opinions

Parents may need to rethink how they dole out love. Credit: jupiterimages

If there's one thing modern childhood experts have drilled into our heads, it's that we should avoid overpraising our kids.

Apparently, our unconditional approval will lead them down a path that ends only in drug-dealing, prostitution, book-making or related trades. If we build up our children too much, then the moment Mommy and Daddy aren't around to stroke their egos, they'll crumble like week-old, preservative-free cupcakes.

The only problem with this approach? It's completely wrong.

Many of us practice "conditional parenting," which means withholding attention and affection when our children disobey or disrespect us. And we assume that the kids understand that the time-outs we dole out don't change the way we feel about them. But new research shows that's exactly the message they get.

As reported in The New York Times, researchers Avi Assor and Guy Roth of Israel and Edward Deci of the U.S. conducted a series of studies -- the latest took place this summer -- to discover the effect of conditional parenting on kids. They found that while children of conditional parents were somewhat more obedient than other young adults, the main difference was that they liked their parents less.

Hmmm.

The kids also reported more frequent feelings of unworthiness, shame and guilt ... not unlike the guilt you may be feeling as you read this.

Despite the findings, you can be sure that conditional parenting isn't going away anytime soon. It has high-powered advocates, like Dr. Phil, Supernanny and their fellow time-out travelers, who insist that instead of bending over backwards to make sure kids are happy 24/7, parents must stand up and assert their will. If children won't bathe, finish their homework and eat their carrots on demand, mothers and fathers should take away treats and privileges until the kids get with the program.

Conditional parenting also feels right, especially for us dads. When we're called to the rescue by wives grappling with stubborn, disobedient children, our quick and forceful punishments end the crises, at least for the short term. Doing what Assor, Roth and Deci say we should do -- forget the time-outs and devote more time to giving kids the guidance to make the right decisions themselves -- is a lot more work.

But it may be worth it.

The moments that dads like this one really love best are the quiet ones when we explain the world to the kids -- why we work, why we wear seat belts, why we run out the clock instead of running up the score. In the back of my mind is the fear that all the clashes of will with my children are wiping out all that is gained in those quieter moments.

We know how much we love our children -- we tell the world every day through the photos on our desks and the status updates on our Facebook pages.

But the kids aren't so sure, if the new research is to be believed.

The Dr. Phils of the world say that caring too much about how our kids feel about us is a sign of weakness. I used to agree, but I'm starting to believe that the need to win every argument, to have one's authority go unchallenged, and to shun compromise even when there's just one carrot left on the plate may be the real sign of weakness.

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Comments (11)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Clarissa 9-24-2009 @ 7:50AM

It really depends on the kid as to what type of punishment works best. To say that one type will work on all kids is like saying everyone has brown hair...it just isn't true.

What works for your kid may not work for mine and vise versa.

As parents we all have to figure out what works for each child. We may try a hundred different things before we find the one solution that brings our kids in line or we may hit one the first or second try.

As parents we have to learn to pick and choose our battles. Not all battles are worth fighting over and some require compromise.

Norma Beatriz 11-06-2009 @ 8:10PM

I'm confused by the chain of comments set off by Gary Drevitch's post. It seems to have deteriorated into a debate about whether or not rules are okay, and whether time out is an appropriate punishment for misbehavior.

That's not what I got from what I read. He says, ".... the need to win every argument, to have one's authority go unchallenged, and to shun compromise even when there's just one carrot left on the plate may be the real sign of weakness."

He is talking about authoritarian, not authoritative parenting. And he specifically cites the likes of "experts" such as Dr. Phil, who I agree with Gary, is an egomaniacal autocrat. There is a huge difference between establishing an order of authority, respect and structure in the home, and attempting to get a child to comply with the most innane of expectations just to prove that the parent is in control. Rules and expectations vary widely from one home to another, so it can never be said that one is the be all and end all to correct parenting or living. It is good, in my opinion, for parents to acknowledge this, that this is what we do in OUR home, and when you are head of your household, you will also be able to establish the standards that are best for you, not because they are "correct", but because it is what makes sense to YOU. And what a wonderful way to teach kids tolerance and acceptance of others' varying lifestyles and choices.

It does, in the short term appear easier to "lay down the law" with no room for negotiation, until the kids are old enough and big enough to decide to use the same tactics and lay their own law down on the parents. Unless there has been a pattern of open communication, understanding and respect on both sides, the road will get extremely rocky. And who is the winner in that? No one.

Geri 9-24-2009 @ 9:10AM

My daughter has a step-daughter who kicks the walls if she's put on time out. She will find anything and everything destructive to do if she is put on time put. The child's father has tried spanking, which works, but the little girl openly says how much she hates her father.

As a public school teacher, it is difficult for me to do "time outs", and I'm not allowed to spank, so I have used positive reinforcement since I began teaching 15 years ago; that's why I have parents tell me that their children behave quite differently at home than they do at school. I do believe that some teachers overdo it and praise everything the child does. That isn't good either because the child doesn't develop a sense of what excellent work really looks like.

I watched a documentary on parenting the other day on ignoring bad behavior and praising the good, which is in line with what I do in my classroom, so my daughter is giving it a try. So far, it seems to be working.

Geri Lane
http://www.survivepublicschool.com
http://www.thepublicschooldaily.com

Patricia Seemann 10-30-2009 @ 5:53AM

Oh please, set the boundaries with the consequences and follow through....half the parenting books are written by Psychologists that need future patients....I give my kids lots of love, praise and positive reinforcement, but the rules are the rules period the end. We have fat obese children, because parents are too lazy to say...no! your not eating that....or No! get outside and run around you are not playing video games all day. I watch Super Nanny and can't believe parents are actually that stupid

LS 9-24-2009 @ 10:13AM

Ok, first off, the object of parenting isn’t to “get your kids to like you”. It’s to raise kids who are mature, settled, able to function in the world around them, whether they’re two or 22 or 42.

Does that mean we should beat our children regularly, whether they need it or not, just because we “don’t care” if they like us or not? NO. But it also means that we don’t explain every little action they must take, every single time they must take it. It also doesn’t mean that we praise every little success, or ignore every time he kicks the dog, just because we don’t want to be “negative”.

Parenting means walking a very fine line, all the time, and using a LOT of common sense and patience while you walk that line.

Yes, explain to your kid why he needs to buckle his seat belt. The first time he asks. But, when you’re late for soccer and he’s not buckling his seat belt because you haven’t explained WHY for the six hundred and forty-second time, you’re being manipulated if you answer with anything but, “Buckle it NOW, or we don’t go.” And then … don’t go if that belt isn’t buckled.

Sometimes “Because I’m the Mom and I said so,” is a perfectly acceptable response. And if it makes my kid dislike me for a couple of minutes, well, he’ll get over it. Because you know what? If I issue discipline and love in equal measure, he’ll have no doubt that I love him. If I don’t do my job as a parent, and that means setting definite limits and sticking to them, I’m really not showing love to my child. I’m teaching him that I’m a pushover, that I can’t be counted on when he absolutely needs me – like if he’s in a serious situation and needs someone in his corner.

Constantly explaining things to a child teaches him that there are no limits on his behavior. That he can talk his way into or out of anything. And that’s just not so. Once that over-talked kid gets to school, his teachers are not going to be talking to him, explaining *why* he can’t haul off and whack little Johnny in the head, they’re just going to put him in time-out and be done with it.

And honestly, this worry about whether your kids will *like* you or not? That’s the talk of an insecure parent who really needs to sit down and think long and hard. When I discipline my son, I’m sure he doesn’t like me. For that five minutes in time. Frankly, sometimes I don’t like HIM for that few minutes that he just spent spewing every molecule of anger that his little body could hold, at me. But you know what? Once the punishment is done, it’s done. And I love him to pieces again. And ten minutes later, he’s hugging my neck, saying, “Mama, you’re so cool for playing Legos with me. I love you, Mama!”

Jennifer 9-25-2009 @ 4:57PM

You hit it dead on. I am so much less worried about whether my children like me today than I am making sure they are those responsible, respectful people of the future. I know I didn't like my parents all the time growing up - but I do now and are grateful for the discipline they gave me. I can be friends with my kids when they are adults.

Amy 9-24-2009 @ 10:35AM

My kids don't need to LIKE me, I'm their mother, not their friend.

I have used time outs with my two children since age one. It is a much gentler form of discipline than spanking (which I have also had to employ, sparingly, for the most grievous of offenses).

When used correctly, the time out breaks the cycle of behavior-reward-behavior-reward that kids get stuck in (for example, color on the wall, hey! that's pretty, color some more...) and gives them a chance to focus on what the parent is saying when they process them out of timeout (after the fact).

I have written about how to use time out correctly at http://prettybabies.blogspot.com/2007/07/wfmw-how-to-do-time-outs-correctly.html

It ALWAYS ends with talking about why they got a time out, telling them something positive they can do next time (coloring on paper instead of the wall), then giving a hug and an "I love you."

If you do time out correctly, it IS effective, and your kids still know you love them. I've even talked to my kids about how I have to discipline them BECAUSE I love them.

Please read my post about time outs and do them correctly, and see the results for yourself. It really works.

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

SKL 9-24-2009 @ 9:57PM

Well gosh, my kid may be serving a life sentence in prison, but at least he likes me!

I am not my daughters' friend. I am their parent. I hope to be their friend when they are in their 30s. And that is the likely result of what you refer to as "conditional parenting."

Red73 9-25-2009 @ 2:38PM

I agree with the other posts I am not my childrens friend, I actually posted a similar comment on truuconfessions.com and most people agreed with me. As an adult I am my mothers friend as a child she was the boss. I use time outs and find them to be effective, they give my children time to think and calm down. However, all children are different and what works for one doesn't work for another. I think most children don't like their parents at some point so I won't be losing any sleep over that.

Liz 9-27-2009 @ 8:41PM

This goes along somewhat with the philosophy Jane Nelsen author of Positive Discipline. As a parent, I set boundaries, enforce rules and require MUTUAL respect all while assuring my children by word and deed that they are loved. It really does require a lot more personal responsibility, time, care and maturity as a parent to focus on teaching children better ways to behave than winning power struggles and being vindictive. I think the catch phrase in the book is "kindness and firmness". It works for my family.

Brian 10-20-2009 @ 12:52AM

Wow. Some of the comments here are disturbing. Whatever happened to finding a happy balance between discipline and friendship? - Brian, http://raleighdaddy.wordpress.com