The Real Reason Behind America's Lack of Civility: Parents

by Rachel Campos-Duffy (Subscribe to Rachel Campos-Duffy's posts) Sep 27th 2009 11:00AM

Categories: Teens & Tweens, Behaving Badly, In The News, Bullying

When President Obama told CBS's 60 Minutes recently that our country is suffering from a lack of civility, most Americans understood that he was talking about Rep. Joe Wilson (the congressman who famously shouted "You Lie!" during his speech), politically heated cable news shows, and of course those "angry mobs" that have been showing up for health care town hall meetings and Tea Party rallies across the country.

The press concurred with the President and threw in the timely headlines about Serena William's foul-mouthed outburst on the tennis court and Kanye West's hijacking of Taylor Swift's MTV award acceptance speech.

"There's a coarsening of the culture," the media has collectively and belatedly declared - as if Republican political discontent started a national trend that spread to hip-hop and tennis stars.

News flash! The culture has been coarsening for at least the last decade or two. Sure, popular culture hasn't helped, but rock stars, sports stars, politicians and angry cable pundits are not the source of the deterioration of civility in the culture.

Parents are!

For evidence of the shortage of good old fashioned parenting in this country, look no further than this video of two unprovoked attacks on a teenager just looking for a place to sit on his school bus. Talk about lack of civility. As the boy takes two separate beatings, lifting his hands only to protect his own head from continuous blows, fellow passengers passively watch, cheer on his attackers and only two kids begrudgingly step in to break it up.

The utter lack of compassion displayed by the students as they witness the humiliation and violence that was perpetrated on a fellow classmate is shocking and depressing.

Unfortunately, in this incident, race is being used to deflect from the real conversation our nation should be having about raising kids with character and a conscience. Since the victim was white and the assailants and passengers were African-American, all kinds of allegations are being tossed around. It's being labeled as a hate crime.

For the record, I don't believe in labeling certain crimes as hate crimes. In my view, all crimes are hate crimes, regardless of the motivation or the color or sexual orientation of the victim. When I saw the video, I can honestly tell you that I did not see race.

What I saw was the very sad results of poor parenting.

In both the attackers and the onlookers, I saw parents who failed miserably to instill compassion, a sense of justice and moral courage in their children. Too many parents are failing their kids, shirking their responsibility and making themselves present in their kids' lives only when it comes time to defend their offspring against the school officials, teachers, police officers and judges left to deal with the aftermath – rude, mean, angry kids.

Parents, step up! Stop waiting for celebrity role models, teachers, coaches or after-school programs to do your job. Civility starts at home.

This is the conversation President Obama, the media and the nation should be having.

Comments (36)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

LS 9-27-2009 @ 4:52PM

Hallelujah, Rachel! Thank you for outing the elephant in the room.

Recently, I was trashed and personally attacked - in a Facebook conversation, no less - by the teen-aged friend of one of my relatives (also a teenager). This person attacked me because I happened to mention to like a TV personality that he did not. This person came on, using language that, regardless how prevalent in our society, still shocks me. He called me names. He attacked me personally. He mocked me. I responded a few times, attempting to engage in civil debate over an issue, but this person continued his personal attacks on me. And instead of stopping him, his MOTHER came online to egg him on. I finally gave up after two or three exchanges, understanding that this person had no desire to debate actual facts, he was simply interested in "winning" by bashing a faceless stranger.

This is not the first time that this has happened to me. I've had people of all ages act shocked and offended when I've told them that I will not accept foul language as a "normal" part of conversation. I've been verbally attacked by other parents when I express opinions that differ from theirs.

We have definitely become a coarse society. It goes back beyond the R-D arguments of today. It goes back to the glorification of fights during hockey games. Bloodletting as a goal in video games. "Cop Killer" and "B**ch-slapping" (verbally and otherwise) in music. Even some of our clothes are offensively named ("wife beater" t-shirts, really?) And yet, each time one of these things happen, we turn away, shaking our heads, but taking no stand. We continue to buy into this crap - we continue to watch and attend the hockey games because "the fight is part of the game" (surprise, no it isn't!), we continue to buy that deranged rapper's 'music' because "that's life on the streets" (maybe, but there's nothing good about it), and we continue to call shirts by that name because "everyone does it". And we berate those who stand against it.

Well, I for one won't do it. My son says "please" and "thank you" without being prompted. He is corrected if he is rude, to me or anyone else, and he is taught that there is a better way to express his feelings. And I will continue to do this until I shuffle off this mortal coil.

Lynn Weinstein 9-27-2009 @ 5:36PM

In a world where only the media hyped things have something done about them there needs to be hate crimes. But I agree with the previous writer, it's the parents who are at fault. All parents are at fault for this all over the world. We tolerate the behavior of people who serve as icons and heros--sports stars, celebrities and other public figures. Back not too long ago if a celebrity was caught up in a scandal they found it very hard to hang onto their careers; not so today. People need to be held accountable for their deeds.

Michelle 9-27-2009 @ 5:47PM

I do believe that civility starts at home with the parents. The way I see some kids behaving these days is incredible; just uncalled for and pitiful to say the least. Scary, too.

But...I do not believe the media is saying that the "Republican political discontent" is the start of a trend, one that has been a long time coming. I do think that the vicious verbal attacks on President Obama at the tea parties does not help anything, however. It is not a good example for our kids to see grown adults act like immature children themselves. We teach our children to fight for what we believe is fair, but not at the expense of disrespect to others. And now I see adults, my age or older, who were probably raised with the same Christian and family values I was, yelling and name-calling, holding up hateful signs at these tea parties, ones in which some children do attend. I thought this was was the kind of behavior we as parents were trying to avoid. Maybe THAT is what the media is trying to say.

Glorious 9-28-2009 @ 12:50PM

After what the lunatic libs have said about President Bush and Gov. Palin, nothing the Right has or ever will do, can come close to that insult. The people at the protests who are violent are liberals. The person who created the Joker sign is a liberal, The people carrying guns at BO's speeches are his supporters. The person who created the hitler sign is a liberal and it is all being blamed on the Right.
The outrage over what people say about Obama is Hypocrisy at its finest. What about what you said about President Bush? What about those hitler signs and signs with him as Satan? Suck it up Buttercup, you are blaming the wrong people. And you have no room to talk. You liberals are corrupt lying lunatics who have no money. Go live in Europe or Canada and see how great it is. But we are Capitalists and we are staying that way.
Joe is right...BO was lying and continues to lie. Wilson/Palin 2012!
No, Bill Crosby/Sarah Palin 2012!
ANYONE BUT BO!!!

Sonya 9-27-2009 @ 7:00PM

KIds these days have no clue how to act or resp[ect there elders. I have two children 14 and 11 and i try and distill the respect that they need to get somewhere in this world. In my day I had the wooden spoon and soap in my mouth... These days they threaten you when you disicpline them on calling CPS... I handed them the phone...

Ann44 9-27-2009 @ 7:22PM

When women stopped listening to their mamas when it came to the wisdom of the ages, they lost their own kid's manners because they didn't understand what was acceptable, and what wasn't. "Everything goes" and "Do what you want as long as your aren't hurting anyone" were the sayings in the modern household.
Suddenly, good advice became outdated and objectionable. Even if the mother knew what needed to be done, she was too tired from a full day of work to enforce it. If our kids are misbehaving, it's on the shoulders of us mothers who allow it. When we couldn't pull them in, then we sent Daddy in to back us up. But how many kids today have two parent homes anymore? How many kids have mothers who are willing to make their kids face their bad decisions? (and back the LAW when their kid breaks it)
As a Belleville, IL resident, I can tell you excuses are already being made for the beating you witnessed on your TV. Still, there are those who didn't see anything wrong with what happened on that bus. Face it, many don't care about crossing the line because their parents don't recognize it either.

queenoqueens 9-28-2009 @ 12:19AM

Lack of civility is one of my biggest pet peeves. I'm hard on my kids to make sure they don't act like animals. I've seen plenty of kids that act in ways we would never have dreamed of acting when we were young.

I do blame the parents. They may have their reasons...they're tired, they're lost/clueless, you name it. Perhaps they just don't know what's wrong or how to fix it. But either way, the responsibility lies with them.

If everyone had to face the consequences of their actions, I think this would occurr less often. Things that help....discipline, accountability, community support, etc. But ultimately it comes down to courage. Courage to do the right thing, regardless of the sacrifice.

LS 9-28-2009 @ 9:08AM

Specifically regarding that video, here's a quesiton: where was the bus driver? Why wasn't that bus pulled over IMMEDIATELY and the police called? WHY was that beating allowed to go on as long as it did? I will even go so far as to ask this: with so many kids toting cell phones these days, you know that probably half of that bus had them in their pockets. Why didn't anyone call the police?

While I am appalled that nobody stepped in to physically defend that young man, I can grudgingly admit that I understand why they did not. It was a gang situation that was quickly escalating. Anyone stepping in to defend would likely have suffered the same fate.

That does not excuse anyone on this bus from being responsible and making a simple three-digit phone call: "911, there's a fight on my bus. We need help."

But instead, those kids cheered. Except for the one young lady in the center aisle, who looks horrified, the kids cheered. Frightening. And pathetic.

SKL 9-28-2009 @ 9:29AM

"The cops acted stupidly." - Barack Obama

"God damn America." - Barack Obama's "spiritual" mentor

"He's the first clean, articulate black candidate." - Joe Biden

"C--t." - Obama follower protesting at a Palin rally.

Etc, etc, etc. Why are we even commenting about civility today? Because one or two conservatives finally said a couple of unpleasant words that weren't even that foul. Give me a break.

Civility has been on the near-extinction list since at least the 60's.

EH 9-28-2009 @ 4:11PM

Since we're getting off topic to inadvertently blame particular Presidents rather then parents for their children's behavior, I guess George W. was the reason for our national education crisis;)

Wonderfully educated quotes from George W. Bush:
________________________________________________

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

"I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005 (Listen to audio clip)

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

"They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 (Watch video clip; listen to audio clip)

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

moose 10-10-2009 @ 7:26PM

Glorious- You are an example of our problem. You have no clue

Glorious 10-28-2009 @ 4:47PM

Hey, MOOSE, kiss my astroturf.
YOU have no clue...or you are a lying liberal lunatic intent upon destroying our great country.
How do you like the way your boy BO is trying to get a television station (fox) surpressed, huh, Hotshot? And to think, you VOTED for his sorry a$$!
Aren't you ashamed?

Karen 9-28-2009 @ 1:53PM

What exactly is politicizing rudeness going to do to address the issue? Way to lead a civil discussion, Rachel Campos-Duffy. Classy all the way.

Glorious 9-28-2009 @ 5:24PM

I think we have become more courteous, when you compare what was said about President Bush and what is said about Obama. President Bush and especially Gov. Palin have been unbelievably trashed and slandered and lied about. More people should yell "You LIE" because if BO's lips are moving, the man is lying.
The joker sign was made by a liberal, as was the hitler sign. The people carrying guns at BO's speeches are his supporters. The people causing violence at the protests are liberal thugs.
Oh and Joe Wilson was right. Every time BO talks about this train wreck of a healthcare "reform", he lies.
I think the shock of realizing exactly what they have voted for and seeing that they were wrong, has plummeted most Libs into a state of shock. Liberalism is a form of mental illness anyway but just think! Hope and Change has become Hoax and Chains. And how hard it has to be to admit you were dead-ass wrong. Poor sad Libs.
Crosby/Palin 2012!

Crissy 9-29-2009 @ 8:50AM

Rudeness? You call physically assaulting someone "rude?" I call it a criminal act, and should be treated as such."Rude" would be coughing in someone's face or stepping on a foot without apologizing. I am the parent of a 7 year old who has been the target of a 12 year old bully. I actually had to get the police involved because this childs' mother refused to believe her son could act like that, and that he wouldn't lie to her. My son isn't an angel, but I give him consequences for his actions, where the bully's mother wouldn't even consider her kid would do anything wrong. IT IS PARENTAL IGNORANCE!

Marlene 10-15-2009 @ 3:01AM

Crissy, I agree with you and furthermore, I feel that the Child Protection Services for that particular country/parish should have immedicately been made aware of the situation. That way, perhaps the parents of the children involved would be made accountable for their lack of positive guidance in their childrens lives, and quite possibily be investigated to see just what type of home life the children have. When they see laziness, filthy language, disrepect for anyone except those who happen to agree with their misguided ways, and filthy living conditions, both emotional and physically, they should take action to remove that children from that environment and place them somewhere with a more positive environment...such as a facility where morals and manners are discussed and taught as a fundamental part of life, where the child may get whatever needed therapy they may need to overcome or cope with dispicable things that may have happened to them and the children have been internalizing them from fear or embarrasment, or even repercussions from peers.

We have a family business where we have a VERY NICE mobilehome park, with 12 rental units, and they along with their contents belong to us. We usually do not have a very high turn over in our tenants because we explain to them the rules and regulations, and how we run the park up front. Parents and children all in the same room together with managment, are given a written list of what behaviors, actions, speaking. respect for others and their property, in addition to our NO TOLERANCE policy on drugs, alcohol, vulgar language inside the park and if they are not complied with they will be asked to move after two warnings, unless the offense has to do with drugs and/or alcohol! We run a family oriented property and maintain it in a way that a parent can feel their child will be safe playing in their own backyard.,and violating those particular stipulations means a 24 hour evicition! There is ABSOLUTELY no excuse for ANYONE to re be rude to anyone, anywhere'! As longer a those of us that find it distasteful, nothing will happen. We must have PASSION when we speak or wrie to tthose in a position to get some action moving to possible come up with a workable solution...the first one being.....start teaching our kids what they are going to need in the REAL world in order to survive. (Not spend 98% of their time pop testing, quizing, drilling on questions that are on the standard testing, such as Benchmark's, SAT, ACT, and a bunch of theres which really just reflects on the SCHOOLS image instead of what the students are actually learning!~!! STANDAR STEPS SHOULD BE BANNED FROM OUR SCHOOL SYSTEMS. There is no consistency in the material and skips all over the place and students are constantly confused on just exactly what they are to be doing. I know it truly aggravates me when I am trying to help my child when I am helping my child study and we have to search to entire textbook to locate specific areas she is teaching on....very bizarre...VERY bizzare!!!! PARENTS WAKE UP AND UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEMS OUR CHILDREN ARE PRESENTING US WITH TODAY OR NOT ANYONE ELSES FAULT, BUT THEIR OWN WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR CHILDREN! THEY ARE KIDS AND NEED GUIDENCE, DIRECTION, ENCOURAGEMENT AND GOOD OLD FASHIONED DISCIPLINE...ON THE BEHIND TYPE!!! iT SURE DIDN'T URT ME AND I KNOW THOUSANDS MORE IT DIDN'T HURT EITHER AND TODAY THEY ARE VERY RESPECTABLE PEOPLE BECAUSE OF IT. PARENTS LOVE YOUR KIDS AND DON'T BE AFRAID OF DISCIPLINE.......IT WORK'S EVERYTIME.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Geri Lane 9-28-2009 @ 9:26PM

I'm a teacher in the public school system, and lack of civility is only the tip of the ice berg.

Chere 9-29-2009 @ 11:31AM

I agree Rachel. I think using the media as a scapegoat for civility is an excuse. It is our responisiblity as parents to teach our children how to behave, to have compassion, to not hit others, and so forth. Outside influences will always creep in, but there are certain core values that if taught at home, most kids will take with them. Sure there will be those circumstaces where it seems a parent did mostly everything right and their child just goes off path, but I believe for the most part they are capable of doing the right thing. Also we should be modeling civility to our children. How do we behave? Children watch us closely and if we exhibit behavior that is less than favorable we can not be surprised when they do the same. I think it has nothing to do with race, politics, etc. I think our country has gotten used to accepting bad behavior without a whole lot of consequences.
Great post Rachel!

Bee 9-29-2009 @ 3:11PM

Being a parent today means you do not only deal with your children, you deal with other peoples children, and society. I believe that kids want everything now, and when others have it YOU are the bad parent in everyone's eyes. My children have more rights than anyone. They do not know what to do with these rights. I have their friends telling me I am overbearing, controlling, and too strict because dinner is at 5 p.m. and homework must be done before anything else. The things that I am called over the phone, Myspace, and texting is incredable. Yes, I take away the pones, but their friends give them theirs to use. I take away computer rights, but just try to cancel a Myspace account without the passwords, I even tried to put a block on the computer. I tried to contact "Myspace" themselves. It is a joke, my husband and I are working together, but it feels like us against a world of teens, teachers, media, and corporate America. Even if you, yourself has strong morals and values it means nothing anymore. I feel that my children are my responsibility, we have done so much. Any child that craves stability and structure comes to our house, our kids hate it. Remember the saying that it takes a village to raise a child? You kept your nose clean when you where a kid because no adult would tolerate bad behavior. Anyone could pull on your ear, all the way home, and tell your parents. Not all parents spanked, but some did, our school had a paddle.
Where is my village? The police came to take notes after some punk kid throws rocks at your house from the sidewalk aka. "public property" and your neighbors have no idea what to do because kids have all of the rights. Nothing happened to this punk.
I live in a good area, but I still see a lot of kids out of school on sunny days, there is no one to call, they have the right to drop out, do drugs, destroy property, and go to school later when they "feel" like it. Parents have a responsibility, but all of our rights to do anything about it have been taken away. I know my kids aren't perfect, and they are still much better than most I've dealt with, but I can see why parents give up. I won't, I can't, but I have met some parents who are so emotionally bullied by their own children, with no help from anyone, that they are depressed. If you want to blame parents, then go ahead, but no adult wants this for themselves or their children. There is a much larger problem here with parents only being part of the problem, or solution. What happened to values, and morals of our country to help support the families, and individuals?

Laurel 10-11-2009 @ 9:32PM

Hey Bee-you've got it right! However, my belief is that the church-going that used to be standard in the "good 'ol days"(whether the children wanted to go or not) has fallen to the way-side; children learn a LOT when the ten Commandments are learned!! They learn there NOT to harm others! To respect your fellow-man, etc. Taking prayer out of the schools was the beginning of sliding down the slippery-slope of UN-civility.............and that is a SAD, SAD pronouncement of today's society......I fear for my grandchildren and great grandchildren!! I believe also that the decision about abortion taught kids today(and those of 30 years ago) to have NO respect for anyone-even the unborn!!! Did the Supreme Court think there would be NO side-effect to their ruling?? Sad again!

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