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Columnist Lenore Skenazy wrote about allowing her son Izzy to travel on the New York City Subway by himself at the age of 9, and got labeled "America's worst mom." She started the Free-Range Kids movement to silence her objectors. Credit: Joe Kolman
If "Free-Range Kids" author Lenore Skenazy endangers children -- and some people claim she does -- so does "Sesame Street."
When the first season of that venerable children's show came out on DVD in 2006, it came with a disclaimer that "early 'Sesame Street' episodes are meant for grown-ups and may not meet the needs of today's preschool child."
Why not? Because what used to be considered wholesome fun is now seen as ridiculously reckless. The DVD shows children scampering through large pipes, balancing on planks between picnic tables and generally cavorting through New York City streets.
You'll put an eye out, kid.
The world is just a much more brutal, dangerous place than it was when "Sesame Street" debuted in 1969 -- or so we think.
"The world has changed, but not for the worse," said Skenazy. "It's only our new fear of even very tiny risks that make 'Sesame Street' look like negligence on parade."
She is a champion of what might be called children's liberation -- giving kids longer leashes and, ultimately, less fear-driven lives. In an often fearful society, however, such ideas are sometimes regarded as heresy.
Skenazy found that out when she wrote a column in The New York Sun in 2008 about how she let her 9-year-old son ride the New York City subway system by himself. Within two days, she found herself on NBC's "Today" show, MSNBC and Fox News -- fending off the label of "America's worst mom."
This led to a greater exploration of unchained childhood in her book "Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts." She followed up the book with a blog that draws thousands of readers a month and plenty of press from around the globe.
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How Did We Ever Survive Childhood?
No Seat Belts/Car Seats
*Rode in the very back of my mother's wood-paneled station wagon, without seat belts, on cross-country car trips. We would put our sleeping bags back there and play cards and wave at the other cars.
*When we were only 5 or 6 years old, we would climb up against the back glass of my dad's car and he would slam on breaks so we could fall into the seat. We thought that was the most fun thing to do!
*My dad had a jeep. It had no backseats. So, for my sister and myself, he used bungee cords to strap lawn chairs into the back so we could ride in it. I couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 years old.
*Rode in the very back of my mother's wood-paneled station wagon, without seat belts, on cross-country car trips. We would put our sleeping bags back there and play cards and wave at the other cars.
*When we were only 5 or 6 years old, we would climb up against the back glass of my dad's car and he would slam on breaks so we could fall into the seat. We thought that was the most fun thing to do!
*My dad had a jeep. It had no backseats. So, for my sister and myself, he used bungee cords to strap lawn chairs into the back so we could ride in it. I couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 years old.
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How Did We Ever Survive Childhood?
No Seat Belts/Car Seats
*Rode in the very back of my mother's wood-paneled station wagon, without seat belts, on cross-country car trips. We would put our sleeping bags back there and play cards and wave at the other cars.
*When we were only 5 or 6 years old, we would climb up against the back glass of my dad's car and he would slam on breaks so we could fall into the seat. We thought that was the most fun thing to do!
*My dad had a jeep. It had no backseats. So, for my sister and myself, he used bungee cords to strap lawn chairs into the back so we could ride in it. I couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 years old.
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No Bike Helmets/Protective Gear
*There were no bike helmets in our neighborhood and yes, I fell off my bike, onto my face, while playing Indy Racer. Then my sister ran over the back of my neck. How I made it out of childhood in one piece, I'll never know!
*I remember standing on the banana seat on my bike and going down a hill without any protective gear on.
*I rode on the back my dad's motorcycle without a helmet.
*I have tons of pictures of me and my brother riding horses with no saddle, bridles or helmets!
*We skateboarded down the hill to my house, without looking if anything was coming -- into traffic! With shorts on and no shoes! And of course no protective gear.
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No Child-Proofing
*We never had any of those little plastic covers for the electrical outlets. When I was a toddler, I tried several times to get my little fingers in there! Luckily, my mom caught me every time.
*Window blind cords were hanging free in my house -- there were no precautions taken with regard to strangle dangers.
*There are pictures of me in a walker at about a year old or so and in the background are the stairs to the basement...no safety gate.
*Mom cooked with the handles of pots sticking out -- a big no-no today -- and I pulled a pot of boiling water onto myself!
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Unsupervised...
*I was 7 when I started taking my 3 and 4-year-old sisters out in the woods with me for hours at a time. We would explore for hours, even made it to the top of the mountain (a 20 minute drive from our house).
*My brother and I used to run/bike around our neighborhood until all hours of the night in the warm weather. My mother gave us a time to be home and that was it...no supervision, no nothing. Wouldn't even be an option today!
*My siblings and I would explore in the woods and chase snakes with no adult supervision! My father actually taught us how to catch a snake!
*My parents left me home alone with no supervision when I was a young teen, when they went on vacation for a week to Las Vegas.
*I grew up in the New York area and was allowing to go to concerts at big venues like Madison Square Garden alone as a young teen; no supervision whatsoever.
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Access to Weapons
*Dad was a gun collector and liked to make his own bullets. He never locked his guns up, in fact I slept many nights in that room -- it was the third bedroom in our house -- so when we had company over, they got my room and I slept in the "gun room," which had a smaller bed in it. I helped my dad make bullets (yes, he was always there), and I got my first gun when I was 8 years old.
*We were taught how to use a bow and arrow in the backyard! Not only dangerous for us to have access to...but also dangerous for our neighbors if we missed the target.
*Mom kept her taser gun in the living room in the china cabinet -- "just in case."
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Riding in the Bed of a Pick-up Truck
*My dad used to drive a big pick-up truck on the weekends. Some Saturday afternoons, my friends and I would pile in the back and he'd drive us to the local 7-11 for a Slurpee. The truck had a rollbar, so we'd stand in the back and hold on as though we were "surfing." In retrospect it seems crazy, but everyone drove around with kids in the back of trucks then.
*When I was 5 and my brother was 11, my dad used to let us sit on the tailgate of his truck as long as we were staying in our community. We thought it was a ride like at Six Flags or something. We'd be screaming and laughing; he'd find as many hills and pot holes as he could to make it more fun for us.
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Babies Asleep on Bellies/No Crib
*Putting babies to sleep on their stomach (with blankets, before they could pull them off) -- this practice is totally taboo these days due to SIDS and the fact that it's a strangling hazard!
*My mom put all 3 of us to sleep on our bellies. She says it seems to unnatural to put a baby to sleep on it's back, but back then there was no "back to sleep." We were allowed to sleep with blankets and teddy bears and even crib bumpers.
*I remember we were really poor and my youngest sister slept in the open drawer of a dresser for a few months when she was a baby.
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No Sunscreen
*No sunblock. I had second and third degree burns on my face, chest and arms when I was 12 years old. My mom let me go swimming from the time I woke up until I went to bed.
*Every year we would visit my grandparents in Florida, and every time my poor brother (who was fair and burned easily) would be covered in Noxema and vinegar to soothe his sunburn after a long day outdoors. There wasn't a lot of attention paid to SPF numbers; sun damage was more reactive than proactive back then!
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Exposure to Smoking
*My parents let my sister and I travel in the smoking section of the plane all the time.
*Both of my parents would smoke in the house, where my brother and I could freely inhale their second-hand smoke.
*Many of our mothers smoked while pregnant; my mom's doctor told her she could have seven cigarettes a day when she was pregnant with my now 35-year-old sister in the 70's.
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Swimming/Tubing Unsupervised
*Every summer, my parents would drop me and my siblings off at the community pool in the morning and leave us there all day with no supervision. They would just come pick us up late in the afternoon.
*We went swimming by ourselves with a "don't talk to strangers" instruction at age 9.
*We rode inner tubes at least 6 miles from the house down a not-so-calm creek without life jackets. And we had to walk back barefoot in bikini bathing suits -- all before our teen years.
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Skenazy's book debunks a number of paranoid myths, the biggest being that society is more dangerous than it was when today's parents were children. The crime rate today is actually lower than it was in the '70s and '80s, the author discovered. And even officials at the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children say the threat of "stranger danger" is overblown.
In fact, they say, children should be taught to talk to strangers -- to an extent. Children may need help if they're really in danger and should know how to turn to other people for help.
"It's like we think the neighbors are psychotic pedophiles," Skenazy said. "But there's a network of humanity out there we're sealing our kids off from."
Paranoia runs rampant, she said. Some PTAs now auction off the best drop-off points in front of schools -- spots normally reserved for children with disabilities. "In other words, we'll pay for the privilege of treating our kids like invalids," Skenazy said.
Another story that made the author stop in her tracks was one about a toy recall. One child, she said, who was too young to be playing with the toy anyway, almost choked on a piece of it; hence, the recall. She bristled as she recalled an article in a parenting magazine that suggested moms carry some extra shoelaces when they take their toddlers to other people's homes -- to tie shut the other family's cabinets.
"It's like we're supposed to be baby-proofing the world, when what really keeps kids safe is 'world-proofing' them -- teaching them, for example, what not to touch," she said.
Skenazy admits she's not perfect with her two sons. She can get a little nervous herself. "I'm the arm-waving type," she admitted.
Still, Skenazy said, it's important to remember that while terrible things could happen, it's best to prepare kids for what is likely to happen. "Teach them how to cross the street," she said. What's important, she added, is affording children the dignity of risk.
While some parents find Skenazy's ideas horrifying, others find validation. With the positive reaction to her ideas, "Free-Range Kids" has become more than the title of a book. "It's like what happened in the '60s and '70s with feminism," she said. "Once you have a name, you can have a movement."
Overprotecting children doesn't really keep them safe anyway, Skenazy said. "It keeps them from growing up." College administrators even have a new name for the coddled kids coming to school: Tea cups. Beautiful, beloved children who break all too easily.
The Free-Range founder suggests people think back to their own childhoods.
"You don't remember the times your dad held your handle bars," she said. "You remember the day he let go."
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 24)
10-03-2009 @ 11:51AM
Samantha said...Thank you, Ann Ilton. I too grew up in New York City. And it wasn't too long ago - I'm 21 years old - so I must have been part of this terrifying generation that parents feel they need to keep their children sheltered from. Funny, I had no idea. I was NOT taught to be scared of anything and everything. My father, also a native New Yorker, knew better. His school of thought? "My daughter is gonna have to go out on her own eventually". So rather than keep me locked in my room until I had to leave for college (as so many parents seem to want to do) he put me in a martial arts class and I was a black belt by 13. I've been riding the train alone since about that same age. Here's a newsflash: children can survive childhoods in the big scary city without their parents being surgically attached to them! Honestly, I find it much scarier, even now as an adult, to walk around the small town that I go to college in. But I have to suck it up, since my "bubble children" peers would never DREAM of walking off campus to go to the store!! Seriously? It's time for people to teach their kids how to "man up". I'm so glad so many of the comments I read are in support of this woman; I thought the majority would be against her. The only issue I have with letting a 9 year old ride the subway alone is that the map can be REALLY confusing for a kid! I fully understand that odds are in favor of him NOT being abducted. But try telling today's parents that.
10-01-2009 @ 4:01PM
Amanda said...Did you read some of those comments? People actually admitting to 3rd degree burns or dumping boiling water on themselves. That is the reason there are precautions. I dont keep my four kids wrapped in bubble wrap and I try to keep them from dangers and accidents do happen and have, but today is different than back then. More cars on the street, more pedophiles in the neighborhood, faster contraptions for kids to wreck on. You dont have to follow every rul, just be smart
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10-01-2009 @ 4:07PM
whatswrongwiththem said...They will never admit to being overbearing yet they will feel the brunt of their actions.
10-01-2009 @ 4:06PM
viczi97 said...The good 'ol days were great! We did have a great childhoods in the 60's and 70's. However WE are the adults now. If we aren't raising our children to have great childhoods - it's our own darn fault! However, allowing my child to ride in a car without a seatbelt, or a bike without a helment, or a subway unattended is just asking for trouble.
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10-01-2009 @ 4:15PM
Howard said...I agree.The bottom line to being a parent is common sense. Unfortanetly common sense is in serious short supply these days. Criminals have almost carte blance to do what they like to us and our wives and children. How the hell did that happen. One answer is our politicians. And bleeding hearts of any political view. There are ways to make this country safe again but will never happen because we support the rapist and murders....... Ohhhhhh that poor rapist had such a hard childhood, we should let him have his way with our kids or wives then put him in a hospital to be coddled for the rest of his life. Bull**** they need to be put out of our misery.
10-01-2009 @ 4:13PM
teatime4me said...Thank goodness..other people see the madness of helicopter parents! God forbid little Jonny does not have a nutritious snack packed for the 30 minute car ride! What drives me nuts is "good job" for EVERYTHING and everyone gets the same prize as the winners for just participating in an activity? Briefly, I was waiting in line for a restroom and I hear this mom who kept saying, "you are doing such a good job". I smiled remembering the potty training days, expecting a toddler to come out of the stall, proud of his accomplishment. Much to me horror out walks a child (without special needs) of about 6 years old. The child was male in a woman's bathroom! This was a restaurant and a private bathroom that only accomodates one person..The mom could have easily just stood outside and guarded the door!!! TOO MUCH.
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10-01-2009 @ 4:08PM
ArmedAttitude said...I am a mother of four children ages 4yrs. - 9 yrs. I let my kids go outside and play on their own, I let them play in the mud, dig for worms, go fishing and actually touch the fish, let the dogs kiss them on the face, ride their bikes without helmets and knee pads, play with frogs, everything I used to do when I was little. And just like when I was little they have chores as well. If they want something they have to work for it and earn it! It isn't just given to them (and yes this includes the 4 year old). From dishes, to taking out trash, yard work, helping bath dogs, cleaning their own room, seperating laundry, they all have chores. My kids also cut their own meat at dinner time, are are expected to bring home good grades always. I am so sick of kids that act like they have lived in a cave their entire lives and can't even seem to wipe their own butts. Or parents that think video games is better then a good book, or playing outside. Granted we have video games, but I refuse to let my kids sit inside all day and play them. Instead they are told "GO OUTSIDE & PLAY LIKE NORMAL KIDS!" So parents get your heads out of your butts, let the kids be kids, and teach them how to actually do something to earn something!
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10-01-2009 @ 4:31PM
carla thomas said...i was raised in the 60's and 70's we played outside had the room of the whole neighborhood. in the summer we we're outside from morming until night playing ditch kick the can kick ball we went swimming fishing hicking in the wood and some time we did not even come home for lunch we did have to wear helment when riding bikes my kid grew up in the 80 and 90's and i let them do the same thing that we did as kids i hope when my grandkids are old enough to go out side that they are raise the same way
10-01-2009 @ 4:40PM
Don said...Shenazy is right on with her book "Free range Kid's. Several years ago in the Rocky's, I believe it was Utah, a child of 8-10 years was lost when he wandered away from the family camp. A search was launched that lasted for days and the kid was finely found in an area that had been repeatedly searched. The parents of this kid had ingrained on him not to talk to or have contact with strangers so when the people searching was in that particular area the kid hid from them and did not respond to his name being called. These parents are as psychotic as they come. This kid's life is shot, he will never have friends, be on a sports team or be comfortable at a party. It is tragic the abuse some parents inflict upon their children. In reality, a child is the reflection of the parents.
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10-01-2009 @ 4:26PM
jane said...If I lived in the country and took my child to NYC for a visit, I would not let him ride the subway alone at 9. If my child grew up there and I felt he could handle it, I might. It would depend on the circumstances and the child. This however is not really the point. The subway is ONE incident people.
The point is that we know more today than we did back then. When a child goes missing it is immediately broadcast on every news station, news website and in newspapers, magazines, etc. People can get instant, breaking news from their phones wherever they are. Don't get me wrong, this can be helpful and many kids are probably found much quicker than they used to be, but because we see it more, we just assume there are more child molesters, abductors, killers out there. Because of this we shelter our kids, and teach them to be afraid. Yes there are bad guys, and we should definitely teach our kids this, but your kids have a better chance of being killed in a car accident than abducted, yet we allow our kids to ride in cars without thinking about it.
There are parents who are realistic and there are those who just think that by not allowing them to grow up that they won't. We all would like for our kids to be kids forever, but the fact of the matter is they are going to be their own people, we just have to let them.
It seems to me like ALL of us, kids and adults alike need to turn off our TV's and computers and spend more time outside.
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10-01-2009 @ 4:31PM
mssydee said...I live in New York City. I was ten years old when I rode the subway alone. I lived in Harlem and went to school in Chelsea. My mom worked two jobs, so my sister, brother and I could have a better life. We stay at home alone most nights. She taught us what to do in an emergency, who to call etc. And we are all well rounded adults. I teach my children to be careful not afraid.
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10-01-2009 @ 4:38PM
amythystkitty said...When my son was about 18 months old, we went to a play group... while playing on the two-foot-high plastic slide, one of the kids fell off. He ran snivelling and crying to his mother, who picked him up and hugged him and acted like he'd just lost a limb. A few minutes later, MY son fell off... he started to cry and came to me. I looked at his knee that he scraped on the carpet, and asked, "Are you bleeding? Are ya dyyyying?" Of course he replied no, and started to giggle at the face I was making... and I gave him a light swat on the hind end and told him to go play. The other mom chastised me - how DARE I not coddle him when he was hurt? Well... are you gonna be there when he's 6 and falls off the slide at school? Are you gonna be there when he's 10 and falls off his new 10-speed bike? How about when he's 20 and gets drunk for the first time and falls off someone's porch and breaks his ankle? Nope, me either - which is why he needs to learn now that unless he's REALLY hurt, he can suck it up and move on.
My son is almost 15 now, and is one of the strongest, smartest, most independent and least needy child of all his peers. He still looks to me for assistance when he's truly hurt, but shakes off bumps and bruises and keeps going. Hurray for parents who let their children live.
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10-01-2009 @ 4:41PM
Jenny65 said...All the freedoms for kids are great until YOUR kid is the one abducted, mugged, etc., A nine year old is too young to ride the subway alone. I don't care how bright he is, he could be overpowered in a heartbeat. He's got his whole life ahead of him to ride the subway all he wants. However, I'm concerned with the parents who are "freedom lovers" and think it's ok to let their kids run "free" in restaurants and turn a blind eye at the playground while their kid is throwing sand, etc., they claim they want to let the kids "work it out". I think they're just lazy, or they want their kids to dominate the playground. Parents need to use common sense and teach the kids they are living amongst others and need to be respectful of others.
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10-01-2009 @ 5:00PM
TheRealist said...The phrase is "live and learn" people. How can children learn how to exist in the outside world if you keep them in your protective bubbles?
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10-01-2009 @ 5:11PM
mk4199 said...My mom was way over protective.....every time I would cough she would pull out the enema bottle....
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10-01-2009 @ 5:19PM
HG in MN said...I grew up in a "sub-rural" (think more rural than suburban,) area of FL. I roamed the neigborhood, going about a 1/2 to 3/4 mile from my home, with my little friends from a very young age. Mom whistled REALLY loud, & I came home. Nobody locked their doors. Everyone watched out for each other. My husband grew up in a suburban area of the twin cities, MN, and had equal freedoms, but a different culture.
Flash forward 35 years. In town simular to that which I grew up in, 50 miles north of my childhood home, a monster named Cooey (may he NOT RIP,) buried a beautiful little girl alive that he took out of her own home. A little south, and we have a tween abducted from a car wash, sexually assaulted, and killed.
My husband & I now have a 6 yr old daughter. She has NEVER had a babysitter (aside from her aunt a couple of times.) When she goes outside to play with some neighbor friends, I watch her from the window like a hawk, though I've tried to back off a little.
I guess I'd just rather be safe than sorry. I do wish it could be different and my daughter could enjoy the esteem building experiences that come with making your own decisions when you're out playing, etc., but I am scared hald to death to take a chance.
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10-01-2009 @ 5:27PM
onnie said...in my neighborhood there are alot of parents that don't take their children outside. we have a park at the end of the street and it is always empty.i do believe that some parents need to lighten up, but i have also seen these free range children around. i have nearly run several of them over. they hang out at the grocery store parking lots riding bikes and boards between cars without a care in the world. they also have no idea what a stop sign means or how to use a cross walk. also do you know how many children have been molested by neighbors? ask around.
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10-01-2009 @ 5:28PM
Donna said...You know, it's all well and good to put your 9-year-old on a subway train full or strangers from all manner of walks of life.......in order to give him or her "free range," make a point about not "over-smothering" kids, and write a column or book about it.
But, how, then, would it be if your kid is the one who doesn't make it home -- who never arrives at the appointed stop -- and no one has a clue where he is or who might have taken him? And, if it turns out that your child indeed has been seen as easy prey and become the victim of some lurking child sex offender and/or murderer who happened to be riding that day and decided to take advantage of the opportunity to stalk and accost a little kid wandering alone with no parent in sight to provide appropriate supervision and protection (unlike the other children on the train who are fortunate enough to be left alone by the perp because their parents have enough sense to be there)......then what?
Well, then, that was a very foolish and negligent decision that you can ruminate about and regret for the rest of your life, wondering how you could have risked your child's life in such a ridiculous manner. Traveling alone on a subway, or otherwise wandering city streets alone, is risky enough for teens and adults -- it is not an activity for children!
While parents can occasionally be too protective, in a smothering way, they can even more easily be neglectful and end up putting their children at grave risk by ignoring the responsibility to provide care, to supervise, and to protect that are vital functions of a parent.
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10-01-2009 @ 5:38PM
Donna said...That was an excellent comment about "free range" being for prey and predators knowing that......so true........Child victimizers look for the "vulnerable child," and not having apopropriate parental presence and supervision while out in public among adult strangers creates one huge form of vulnerability to victimization of any kind.
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10-01-2009 @ 5:42PM
randall james said...Howard, Man right on ! I am a product of the 60's and I'm here to tell you some of the crap I did would give these tree huggin yuppies a freakin heart attack. My son made master sargent in less than five years in the Marines, Because he was free range.
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