Hot on HuffPost Parents:
Gary J. Gates: Virginia Lawmakers Should Do What's Best For Kids
Patrick Wallace: The Prop 8 Battle: It's About More Than Marriage…
Judge Tells Mom: Punish Kids For Skipping Visits With Dad
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, In The News, Weird But True
Australian kids who want to skip visits with dad may find themselves without video games, television or other favorite pastimes.
A judge has ordered a mother to deny her children privileges until they comply with a court order requiring them to spend time with their father.The judge said noncustodial parents need to "positively encourage" visitation and start "removing privileges if the child was defiant," according to an article in The Australian.
The father asked the court to intervene when his children chose to walk home to their mother's house rather than meet him for a scheduled after-school visit. The 43-year-old dad later received a call from his ex who told him the boys, aged 11 and 12, "did not wish to go with them," according to the article.
The problem is "very prevalent" among American fathers as well, Mitchell K. Karpf, chair of the American Bar Association's Family Law section, told ParentDish.
Judges here have the power to enact similar rulings after a divorce, he said.
"Mom does have an obligation to say you're going to see your dad and if you don't you're grounded," said Karpf, who practices in Florida.
Judges also can take parents to task for badmouthing former spouses or preventing visitation.
A Florida court once ordered a mother to tell her children that it was "her desire" that they see and love their father, Karpf said. Encouraging children to maintain relationships with both parents makes sense, according to the American Psychological Association. Children in joint custody arrangements have fewer behavior issues, do better in school and have higher self esteem, according to a 2002 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology.
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
Should You Surprise Visit Your Children in Childcare
Learn about making surprise visits to your children in childcare in this video with Dr. Diana Zuckerman.
-
How to Tell Employers You Need Time Off for Children's Doctor Visits
Learn how to tell employers you need time off for children's doctor visits in this video with Dr. Diana Zuckerman.
-
How to Prepare Your Child for Their First Dental Visit
Watch tips from The Go-To Mom on how to prepare your toddler for their first dental appointment.
-
Getting Together at Mommy Luncheons
Anne Ebeling visits one of the luncheons for Moms in New York City and talks to the founder of Baby Bites, Laura Deutsch.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
10-01-2009 @ 4:33PM
Jeekai said...As a former non-custodial parent, now with full residential custody, I can tell you that there are situations in which the custodial parent bad-mouths the ex to the point that the children believe the slander. We all know this goes on all the time. When the kids believe that the non-custodial daddy or mommy is, to euphemize, sub-par, of course they don't want to spend time with the visitation parent. Although this might not be the case here, it certainly does happen. Perhaps mommy should be grounded for bad-mouthing daddy.
Reply
10-01-2009 @ 4:58PM
same issue said...I am the stepmom and we experience this day after day. We believe that the custodial mom discourages the visits and encourages the daughter to have a "social life" instead of visiting with her dad. This has caused great trouble. We even have my in-laws siding with the mom. Where is the Dad's rights with the courts? Here in our life's the ex-wife makes the decisions for all.
10-01-2009 @ 5:17PM
me said...vice versa for me, in my situation (I am the custodial parent) I have to deal with when my son comes back from visitation he says terrible things to me that his daddy said about me. Either way in my opinion it is wrong. Its sad that one person has to put the kid in the middle. My dad was the same with me and it did take a long time but I realized that he was wrong.
10-01-2009 @ 4:56PM
GrandmaK said...What about the case where the father refuses to attend the parenting classes required by law to settle the custody side of a divorce, ends up with no custodial rights, contributes no child-support, refuses to look for employment since that would mean having to pay that support, and complains that the children do not want to see him. Mother allows some limited contact but dad makes appointments and then does not show up for visits. Should these children be forced to visit when they don't want to?
Reply
10-01-2009 @ 6:34PM
Roo said...I hear you on that one GrandmaK! In 2004 my ex took me back to court to "enforce visitation" (when he wasn't exercising the visitation he had nor had he had any contact with the children in the previous 3 years). The GAL accused me of putting words into the children's mouth and granted visitation without any type of re-introduction of my ex into the children's lives. The first (and only!) visit lasted 45 minutes and they returned, insisting that they were never going to see their father again (they were 12 & 9 at the time). When I called the GAL to find out how to handle it, all he'd tell me was "you'll think of something". On one hand he accuses me of meddling and on the other hand he tells me to handle it. My ex never called for another visit after that, and there's been no contact since then. Time frame from when I was served the initial papers until he withdrew his petition? 14 months. Amount of money his 45 minute visit cost me in legal fees? $3,700. And not once did I argue visitation.. I only argued on the manner in which to re-introduce him into the children's lives after being out of it for so long (and not consistently before than). He lives 2 miles away from us and we haven't heard a peep since then except for inappropriate cards being sent for birthdays. (My 19 year old received a birthday card that was meant for a lover... talk about grossing her out when she read the part that said, 'I want to lay down next to you".. EWWWW!)
10-01-2009 @ 5:24PM
julie said...Well Im a single mom that has tried and tried to encourage the FATHER to visit with his children and begged him to take my 2 teenage kids, Hum he just happens to fine every excuse why he cant take them for the weekend, I have tried to reason with him, now i just get down right pist, So how about punishment for the father hum that dosent pay child support either!!!
Reply
10-01-2009 @ 7:18PM
Melissa said...I used to do that with my ex, and then I got sick of always being the one to take her all the way to his mom's disgusting cat infested house. I would never put my daughter down to play, I would hold her the entire time! I would tell him, "take a train, take a bus", and he refused, so I refused to take her there, I told him if you want to see her you will find a way....that was almost 2 years ago, and he hasn't seen her, called her, and has another child he doesn't take of either (although he's with the mom still). He doesn't work, he sits on his butt all day, and I should have known by the fact that he doesn't take care of his OTHER 2 older children (keeping count? that's right 4 children, 4 DIFFERENT women that we know of). I give up on men, they are all bastards.
10-01-2009 @ 5:25PM
cyndi0429 said...It's a hard thing for all when there's kids living in joint custody situations, going back and forth. My parents divorced when I was young and we lived with my mom. We could go to my dad's if we wanted to visit, and he often came and took us camping, etc. But I don't think I would have ever forgiven my parents if we had been forced to live in 2 homes. I am married now and have a stepdaughter. Her mom does force her to come to our house, and I know it's hard for her. But her mom will say to her 'it's not my weekend, I have plans so you can't stay here'. Even if she's sick or if her moms family has some kind of family event. She has missed her cousins and neighbors (at her moms house) birthdays because it's 'not her moms weekend'. And her mom won't trade days for anything. Then she mopes around all weekend taking it out on us because she thinks that it's us forcing her to be there. So it's sad for all.
Reply
10-01-2009 @ 5:55PM
julie said...his name is john stanford orlando fla goes by the name larry stanford
Reply
10-01-2009 @ 7:09PM
Lisa said...We have a situation here where my husband (I'm the stepmom) and his ex-wife have legal join custody. However, for the last year and a half, the two younger children have lived with us full time and visited mom on the weekends. This past month, we have had a case of flu going around. Last Thursday, Sept 24, the mother called us telling us that her oldest child had flu and was to be quarantined for seven days. Two days later, while my husband and his 15 yr old were shopping at Wal Mart, they ran into his ex-wife and her oldest child - the one who was supposed to be quarantined for seven days! Funnily enough, the two younger ones that live with us have been exposed to the flu and have yet to come down with it. My theory for this is the first 6 and 8 years of their life, they lived in filth and squalor, so their immune systems were built up!
So....this last weekend, we have been moving, and on top of that dealing with an 8 and 10 year old running around almost getting squished by heavy furniture because their mother said she didn't want the two younger ones exposed to the flu (even though we told her they had already been exposed).
With all of that, she bad mouths us when they're over there, she lives with her mother, who hates us because we take better care of them than she ever did.
So.....let's talk visitation.....before they moved in with us, we would see them every other weekend. As it stands now, sometimes the kids don't want to go to her house or see their mom, we encourage them to see her because she is their bio mom, but they insist that they do not want to see her.
When a child is in tears because they don't want to see their birth parent, can you handle the emotional way it tears at your heart? These three kids are my stepchildren, but I love them as if they were my own. I've taken care of them the last two years as if they were my flesh and blood, listened to them cry when one of their parents upset them or one of their friends upset them. As far as I am concerned, they are MY children.
So in this situation, or the above, how can you really force kids to see someone they don't want to? Is it morally or ethically right? All you are teaching them is that if you're bigger or stronger than someone else, you can force them to do what you want them to do, not what they want to.
Reply
10-02-2009 @ 10:45AM
park7c said...I am with you there. It is not right to force a child to go somewhere the don't want to. What if there is a situation that you are not aware of and the child does not want to tell you. You are in essence sending them into a possibly dangerous situation and that is wrong.
10-17-2009 @ 11:10PM
Brandi said...I am or at least was a step mom. After 15 years of marriage I am now divorcing the father of my three children and two step children. The two children have always lived with his xwife and visited us yet I have always been the mom they come to when they need something. I am the mom who took them to the dr when they were sick, made sure that all parents knew when the kids had a school event, pretty much was there when they needed a parent. We went threw the kids clinging to us crying when they had to go back to her but we always tried not to bad mouth her even though she bad mouthed us every chance she got. Now that I am getting divorce and my older two have pulled away from me. They are 18 and 16 now and no one pays any attention to who is doing what. M any times appointments have to be rescheduled, school events get missed. Life is rarely good for those of us step mom's who accept the children as our own. Being a parent is never easy but we just all need to step up to the plate as parents or don't become parents in the first place. Still a step mom involved with her no longer step kids. A mom who has split custody and believes and strives for both parents to be involved where and when the kids are comfortable and want the parent involved. They all may be children but they are people with their own minds and they do know what they want.
10-01-2009 @ 8:13PM
nestle said...Parental Alienation does not just happen 'to' fathers. It happens to mothers like me, too. The alienating parent is typically a narcissist; coaches the children to alienate the non-custodial parent; and drives a wedge of deceit inbetween the mother (in my case) and her children.
After all, my friends, a divorce IS just a divorce until narcissist rears his head. The relationship I had with my children was phenomenal. Our family was cohesive, loving, carried viable and traditional family values. A marriage, however, "becomes quite crowded" (to quote Princess Diana) when there are more than two in the mix.
Parental Alienation is horrific for the alienated parent, my friends. The children are brainwashed. Invaluable and irreplaceable time is lost forever. The pain that an alienated parent bears is, well, unbearable.
Narcissists are this side of legal.
Reply
10-02-2009 @ 9:26AM
ceceliathomson said...This article is wrong.. Those findings are not what psychologists say. The Judge probably got paid off like the Judge in Brooklyn (Garrison) Fathers Rights is a veil for Tort reform...Everybody in family court is full of sh-t...Most matrimonial lawyers couldn't try a legal case if their LIFE depended on it so they play lawyer and steal money in this stupid lawyer role as if it has legitimacy....(Like a bunch of gossiping Yentas)... look how many kids are abused on court ordered visitation!...a--holes!..the whole lot of them.... the country has fone down with the new famly law orders,,,dads arent moms and judges are causing kifs to be forced into abusive atmospheres,,,usually a pay off....
10-01-2009 @ 9:27PM
Friend said...My dear friend's parents recently got divorced, she's 17, so they didn't give either of her parents 'set dates' for seeing them. She goes back and forth at her will, it creates a situation where she's less angry at them for divorcing. It's as good as it's gonna get.
Reply
10-02-2009 @ 9:35AM
Chrisstine said...How about the father who has a special needs child, gives up visitation for a year. Father was reported to family services. When the son does finally get to spend time with the dad and new step-mom (and fourth wife of the ex) the then 10 year old runs aways from home, call mom all night, hour after hour because he (the son) is hiding in the closet in fear. The mom still explains to the child that we are doing the best we can, yet daddys should not treat there children like that. You need to forgive and love your dad, says the mom. Then simutaneously the father keeps threatening the ex wife with control of child support and infact now pays for child support under the poverty level. Oh did I mention the father ownes a five million dollar house in Palm Beach , a million dollar strip mall in Chatam Mass several Mercedes and a 100,000.00 boat, yet the dad refuses court order to get the child the help he needs and refuses to send the child to a private school to meet the childs needs. The Florida lawyer is so high powered that she herself call the child "sick" and twisted. So the father hates the third ex wiffe, doesn;t pay court odered child support and hold the child down twisting his ankle until the special needs child says "yes mame" to the step mother....what should we do about this one.
Reply
10-01-2009 @ 10:47PM
TzipporahFaith said...My parents divorced when I was five. I can remember my mother on the phone begging my father to come over and visit with us...to take us on the scheduled weekends...to not forget our birthdays. I can remember her offering time and time again to pay for the gas he "didn't have" or offer to meet him half way when we moved closer to my mom's family two hours away.
More often than not he would not show up when he did say he was coming. I can't remember a single birthday he came to or called us on. I can remember the one Christmas he did show up for with gifts...three months late. I remember because we were setting up for my birthday party.
Not to mention the child support he "paid". I can remember one time getting an Easter card. I was thirteen at the time. He sent the child support in an Easter card telling us to "spend it before your mom does". Nice huh.
I can see making a child go visit their parent, but when that parent manages to make his required child support payments of $39.00 for three children a month only once every six months and goes without calling or seeing those children but once a year the courts need to mind their own business. I broke contact with my "father" that year. He didn't even bother to congradulate me when my siblings made a point when they spoke to him to tell him about getting done with high school.
Some parents shouldn't be parents and the courts need to pay closer attention to the real truths.
Reply
10-02-2009 @ 7:15AM
AmyJ.L.Baker, Ph.D. said...If the cause of the child's lack of visitation is parental alienation (systematic effort on the part of the favored parent to alienate the kids from the other parent) then sanctions is an appropriate step. In these situations kids will refuse visitation not because they hate that other parent but simply to please the favored parent. My research shows that in these cases (not in cases where a child rejects a parent for a legitimate reason) when children do ally with one parent against the other, they do not fare well in the long run. To turn a child against a parent is to turn a child against himself. I hope that parents who are worried that their ex is turning the kids against them will get educated about this problem before it is too late.
Amy Baker (www.amyjlbaker.com)
Reply
10-03-2009 @ 10:40AM
Heather said...The judge needs to find out why these kids don't want to see ther dad. If it is because mom is bad mouthing him and he is a good guy then the judge should deal with that issue because that is abuse. If it is because the dad is abusive then the kids have a right to not want to go.
Reply
10-02-2009 @ 10:52AM
LS said...I can agree with encouraging the kids to visit. I can agree wholeheartedly with NOT badmouthing the other parent, regardless of what's happened (barring illegal activity). I can agree that the parents are the adults here, and must act that way.
What I cannot agree with is the judge saying that the children be encouraged to "love" the other parent. Even in the best situations, you cannot order someone to love someone else. People are not built that way. You can require civility, you can ban rudeness, but you cannot require love.
Reply