'19 Kids & Counting' Finale: One Duggar Moving Away
'Don't Be Tardy': Kim Wants To Have More Kids
Son Cries on the Way to School
Filed under: Day Care & Education, Development: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Behavior: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Development: Big Kids, Behavior: Big Kids, Education: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Big Kids
Dear AdviceMama:
We are into the sixth week of school and my first-grade son is having some real separation anxiety issues. He cries every day when I drop him off. What can I do?
Signed,
Rena
Dear Rena:
Around eight o'clock every morning, thousands of parents face the "Drop-Off Blues" as their little ones sob their way to the classroom door. It's hard on everyone, including the teacher, who has to teach a hurting child who's blaming her for depriving him of his longed-for home and Mommy.
When kids are unhappy, most parents want to help them feel better as quickly as possible. We do our best to explain why they can't have what they want, whether it's another bedtime story, a trip to the toy store or a chance to stay home where it's safe and familiar. I call this "Act Two" parenting; we think that if we can convince a child that his desire is unrealistic or wrong, he'll stop being upset.
But without feeling heard and understood, children aren't receptive to our well-intentioned advice.Find a time when your child is happy and relaxed, and ask him what it's like when you drop him off. Don't respond with logical remarks like, "Everybody has to go to school" or "Don't you want to learn how to read?" Be empathic and encourage him to offload his feelings. "Oh sweetie, I'm sorry it's so hard for you. You feel so sad when you want Mommy."
When he feels heard, he'll be more receptive to your input. Focus on what you'll do together when you pick him up. Ask him what might help in the moments he most misses you. Look for ways to volunteer in the classroom (unless that would make it worse).
Raising kids doesn't require that we always find solutions to their difficulties. It does mean that we comfort them through their tears and sorrow. Often, when a child knows we understand, they magically find ways through their sadness and grief to acceptance. Meanwhile, empathize with him instead of engaging in negotiations en route to school. And of course do make sure there's nothing going on in the classroom -- other than missing you -- that deserves your attention.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
10-05-2009 @ 9:00AM
Geri Lane said...This is great advice! There are also things you can do BEFORE your child begins school to make a smooth transition. Read this article for help with Kindergarten separation anxiety. http://bit.ly/Separation_Anxiety
Reply
10-05-2009 @ 12:17PM
Red73 said...I agree this is good advice. I recently posted on truuconfessions.com about how I am bribing my 5 year old because he is so upset about going to school. Time to change my tactics, definitely going to try what is suggested here.
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10-05-2009 @ 9:12PM
SARAH BROWN said...my eight year old grandson stays with me from thursday night until monday morning...friday is never much of a problem as far as going to school...but monday mornings are horrible...he's teary and crying by the time we get to the school..as i'm pulling away he is standing there crying and my eye's are so full of tear's i can hardly drive...i believe the biggest part of the problem is he doesn't want to go home to his mother's house...not my daughter my exdaughter-inlaw....
Reply
12-16-2009 @ 7:53PM
laura said...I strongly suggest you take a closer look at his reaction to ging home to his Mom. As for the responce, now days children have been in school for at least 2 years pre-k and kindergarden. So for a 1st grader to do this there has to be something going on. I suggest a suprise visit to his class, with the princpil knowledge not the teachers.
1-24-2010 @ 5:56PM
Julia said...Parents need to stop babying their children. If there is one lesson they have to learn, it's that growing up means doing things every day that we don't wan't to do. I go to work each day knowing that I may get shot in the line of duty, but I don't cry and pitch fits saying I don't want to go. Just as I have to go to work every day and suck it up, my son has to go to school every day and suck it up as well. We talk about our days together when we get home, my son, his father and I, and if anything is wrong, he informs us of the problem. We have never once babied him about going to daycare or school, and he has never acted out emotionally about going. If you treat your child like a baby, he will act like one. Treat him like a human being, and he will thrive.
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3-02-2010 @ 3:43PM
Stacy said...I think this is a very harsh way to look at it and obvioulsy you have never had any of these separating issues with your child. My son is 5 and has been going to preschool for 2 years now. He goes 3 days per week and most days he cries when I drop him off at school. The teacher always has to pry him off of me just so I can walk out the door. I don't in any way shape or form "baby" him for this behavior. I have tried everything from positive reinforcement for when he does good to punishment when he doesn't and still nothing has worked. When I ask him what is wrong he says it's boring and it's too long. He has always had separation anxiety since he has been very young. I am not one to baby and feel sorry for him when he acts this way so I don't agree with your harsh suggestions that if us parents in this situation would just have them "suck it up" that that is very logical. How do you make that happen? How does that really solve anything?
You can't make them stop crying or from feeling this way. We are a very close knit family and I guess he just has problems being away from us. I know that in reality he has to somehow get over this because he can't stay home with me forever but what can I do. I gues what I am saying is that if you have never been in this desperate situation before then you don't really know how it feels or what you can do to change it.
3-15-2010 @ 10:02AM
tracey said...If I had a parent like you I would be glad to go to school everyday. You are a heartless bastard and I hope your suck it up attitude with your son backfires on you.
2-12-2010 @ 12:26PM
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