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Bus Bullying: Should I Intervene?
Filed under: Behavior, Health & Safety: Big Kids, Behavior: Big Kids, Education: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Big Kids
Dear AdviceMama:
I have a 6-year-old son who is in first grade. Another child is being mean to him on the bus. My son stood up to the bully, but was crying at home when he recounted the story to me. This is not the first incident and I have spoken with the mother of the boy, but there has been no change in his behavior; in fact it has gotten worse. Would it be appropriate to call the principal and/or the bus supervisor now? I want to know the best way to handle these situations without being overbearing, but at the same time keeping my son safe physically and emotionally.
Signed,
Caring Mom
Dear Caring Mom,
Thanks for this important question. I'm very glad you wrote. Here's my answer: Yes, yes, yes. Call the principal; your 6-year-old son should not have to endure bus bullying, and needs to know that it's not his job to make it stop.
I'm not one to advocate fixing each problem or challenge a child encounters. I believe good parenting includes helping children develop resilience by enduring frustration and difficulties, within reason.
But bullying is another matter.
Although this will help your son feel something is being done to help him feel safer, it may not put an end to the bullying. Tell the other child's mother that if she'll let you talk with her son directly (without your son present) it may help this problem from becoming more serious. Connect with the child in an authoritative but friendly way. Explain that you're guessing the name-calling is accomplishing something he likes -- perhaps getting other boys on the bus to laugh? Listen without interruption so he'll be receptive when you give advice about other ways to get approval and attention.
Children instinctively take direction from those they feel connected to, so let him know you want to solve this problem, rather than simply frighten him into behaving better. Bullies are usually insecure kids who need someone to step in and help them find other ways to feel confident and important. Show this child now that he's got one more adult in his corner willing to help him feel secure without bullying, and you'll end up helping both of these boys have a happier, safer ride to school.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
10-19-2009 @ 8:47AM
Elizabeth said...I'm not sure I agree with this 100%. When I was a kid, we were taught to stand up to bullies ourselves--without parental or teacher involvement. If this meant getting into a fight, physically or mentally, using your wits to outsmart them, then this was accepted, as long as you did it yourself. Of course, when I was a kid, bullying meant giving someone a wedgie, taking their lunch money, or teasing them about something superficial (names, hairstyle, clothes, silly things like that). But the important thing was you had to figure out how to fix the problem yourself. In the long run fighting your own battles was supposed to make us stronger, build character. It was only the "wimpy" or "dorky" kids who actually got their parents to talk to the other students parents or worse, a principal or teacher, and of course then they were made fun of by all the other kids for it, and were always seen as a weak individual, a stigma that was hard to overcome. As kids we were very autonomous when it came to the social hierarchy of the school yard.
I think the only reason parents should step in on a bullying situation is if the child is being physically hurt, or it has escalated to the point where the kid is being harassed so badly that he cannot function. I know a lot of people would say to step in before it gets this bad, but I think it will be better for your kid if he is the one who fixes the situation himself. If kids are the ones to work out the problems themselves, it's always a more amicable situation than if they are forced by parents or teachers.
Reply
10-19-2009 @ 9:47AM
LS said...Elizabeth, you're absolutely right.
Unfortunately, in this "modern" age, if this young man stands up for himself any more... if he punches back, for example, after being punched... he's likely to be punished just as much as the bully. Perhaps more, because it's usually the second kid to throw the punch that gets caught, because nobody sees the first. And we've learned from all the "zero tolerance" articles (there were two just last week that resulted in major suspensions - of a six year old, and an Eagle Scout), that no kind of "rule breaking" is tolerated, even if it's a kid defending himself.
I would say, in this situation, since the boy has already tried to handle it himself, to no avail, perhaps he should be encouraged to go to the bus driver, or the principal, himself. If that's intimidating, mom can accompany him. But it will still be allowing him to handle the situation himself. And then mom should maintain her vigilance, and make sure that something is being done. If it isn't, then she should step in. Because the kid only has so many avenues open to him, and while I support him handling it himself, and whomping this bully, should it come to that, I don't want to see him get punished for doing what the adults won't.
10-19-2009 @ 4:51PM
Sharon McEachern said...Teach your kids that some people are physically different and that you can't respond to them the same as other people. Recent research indicates that some people's brains are just wired differently, sadistically, to enjoy others' pain. Their brains are physically different -- literally. Ethic Soup blog has a great post on "Bullies May be Wire in Brain to Enjoy Others Pain."
10-20-2009 @ 7:30PM
Mary Sullivan said...I have to respectfully disagree with this. Bullying hurts kids; it doesn't make them stronger. And it didn't, really, when we were kids. That myth has been disproven. Bullying actually harms not only the bullied but the bully as well, and even the bystanders. I can post a zillion links on this if anyone wants 'em. Holding off 'til the bullied kid is unable to function, as you suggest, is a disaster waiting to happen.
Susan (advice lady) put it perfectly. Problem solving does build resilience, but not *this* kind of problem.
10-23-2009 @ 3:54PM
judith said...What this person is saying was true in years gone by.. today the youngsters are much more aggressive and at times vicious. We are talking about a 6 year old. He's a baby.. Why should his life be made difficult by another child ( age not stated). He {the 6 yr. old} has every right to be frightened and it is incumbent upon the parent to make a stand and put a stop to this bad behavior. The little one needs to know that it is not his fault and that the other child is wrong and doing a bad thing. This other child should be suspended from riding the bus for a a week with the knowledge that if he continues on this track he will not be allowed to ride the bus at all. Also his mother should arrange for a few sessions with the school PHD to find out why this child feels so inadequate that he fee;ls the need to pick on a younger child. Perhaps someone at home is picking on him.. he might be a victim of abuse himself. We cannot take any form of bullying lightly. Those days are over..
10-19-2009 @ 11:26AM
megan said...I suggest cornering this bully and physically threatening him and his family and pets if he has those. The only way to get a bully to stop is to make him/her aware that his entire life can be destroyed if he does not begin to respect others. Teach them eye for an eye.
Worked for me.
Reply
10-19-2009 @ 12:21PM
Judith said...I agree with Megan. I remember when a child (who we thought was a friend; I knew his mom) started to bully my son. I went up to him and said, "Don't you be mean to ----- in a mean voice." Well, it did the trick. Not one more episode from him.. Or else if that didn't work, I would pick up my child from school and take him to school.
Reply
10-19-2009 @ 5:19PM
Carol said...My 13 year old daughter has been a target of bullying, primarily, by exclusion, spreading rumors and attempts to isolate her. I have contact the principal. I do believe that she has handles the matter. although it continues on facebook. Making jokes and mocking things that she has said on line. I believe that some of these girls have been suspended. However, due to the privacy laws they can not tell me who was involved and to what extent. I am out of my mind. These girls have contact kids at other schools and spread rumors. Now I can not remove her and send her to a safe place. talking to the parents does not help, they say nothing. Is it illegal for me to write on these girls facebook and ask them not to contact my daughter? I did identify my self. I also had an emotional out burst with a girl a month ago, she was my daughters best friend and went to the other side and did not stand up for her. I told her that I couldn't believe that she did that to her , I also, used a swear word- which i regret. Please advise.
Reply
4-20-2010 @ 11:52PM
Ellen said...Just a note about Facebook bullying... you can use the profile privacy to "block" other users... your child can still be involved in conversations but the bully will not see anything by your child and your child will not see anything by the bully... and they can't even see that each other exist on Facebook, no profiles, nothing. It's great! Use the block for anyone who you don't want to see.... and then they can't see you either. Awesome!
10-19-2009 @ 5:40PM
Clarissa said...My daughter just faced a similar situation on Thursday of last week.
She is 14 and is in the 9th grade. We have always taught her as long as she doesn't throw the first punch she will not get into trouble with us and she is to defend herself against a physical attack. We feel kids have a right to defend themselves against attackers.
At any rate during pe my daughter was playing a game of basketball. Another girl had the ball and my daughter went for it. The girl shoved my daughter down and told her "stay down bitch" and when my daughter got up to shove her back the girl punched her in the eye. My daughter started swinging but never got a hit in.
Unfortunately my daughter as well as the other girl got into trouble. Because my daughter has never been in any trouble and has been an exemplary student she only got one days suspension, however because they give both equal punishment the other girl also only got one day. Nevermind that this girl has been in constant trouble since the very first week of school.
The school won't likely do much. They take a "we wash our hands of it approach". They likely will only talk to the bully and then they say can we did our job when really they haven't done anything.
You have several options, you can do all or just a few.
1)Tell your son to defend himself against PHYSICAL attacks but never verbal. If the attack is verbal he should ignore the boy as if he doesn't even exist and tell the bus driver. Also tell your son to avoid the boy if at all possible. If the bus driver has assigned seating talk to her and ask that your son be sat far away from the bully. If your son defends himself be aware that he will also get into trouble, but it may well be worth it because the bully may stop.
2)If possible take him off the bus and drive him to school. It's a short term fix but may give him enough time to build some confidence so that he can face his bully and put the kid in his place.
3)File a harassment report with the police. Go to your local police station and talk to them there and let them know what is going on. Getting the police involved may be enough to wake the bully's parent's up and see that this is a serious issue.
4)Get a lawyer and have him serve a cease and desist letter to the parents, that way if the boy keeps up, you can eventually file charges against him and or his parents for harassment.
Bullying should be taken VERY seriously. It has been the cause of many kids to go off the deep end because they couldn't take it any more.
I understand this is just grade school but it MUST be nipped in the bud before it goes any further and if you have to bring out the big guns to accomplish it then so be it.
Reply
2-02-2010 @ 12:01PM
Maria said...I have a situation with my 8 year old. Thee is a girl that tell's the other girl what to do. For example "hit this one." etc. The girl does what the bully say's. The bully never get's in trouble, but no one will stand up to the girl or the bully. They are taking there hat's,pushing and shoving my daughter,pulling there hood's on there jacket's and it hurt's there neck's. She scratched my daughter by her eye. I just don't know what to do. I've spoken to the teacher she keep's saying "your daughter is fine" she is happy . I keep telling her my daughter is coming home telling me she's being harrassed as well as another little girl, I don't think the teacher want's to anger any parent';s. "this class has been difficult for the teacher apparently"
I don't know what is the appropriate way to deal with this. I just want to go up to the kid, and say "stop" your nonsense.. Can anyone help. I'm very worried my daughter will get seriously hurt. It seem's to be building up to something. Thank you very much.
10-20-2009 @ 9:40AM
r. richard fusilier de la claire said...Kids know the politics of school boards and school administrations who have a policy to give in to kids over a teacher causing as breakdown of the pecking order in our school systems. Generally the school authorities "give in to any school kid over a teacher" (Along with illegal immigration has come more of this attitude. Its quite a problem and it negatively affects students and their scholastic and behavioral attitudes.) Quite a few teachers are victims of false complaints which, unfortunately goes on their records.
Reply
10-21-2009 @ 12:15PM
Bring Back Pluto said...I definitely agree that "caring mom" needs to step it up a notch. Either talk to the bus driver or the principal, etc.
And certainly continue to try and give her son the skills he needs to deal. However, what six year old can really stand up to someone older, who's a bully? That's pretty tough to do.
But what parent is going to let another parent speak with their kid about being a bully? I wouldn't allow it. Yes, I definitely would want to know if my kid was being a bully. But I would deal with him/her myself. I would gladly field a phone call from a child's parent, but to allow that parent to speak with my kid?? Kind of inappropriate. I wouldn't trust that they would say what I think they should say.
But that aside it sounds like the mother of the bully isn't doing anything. And that's just it. If the kid is a bully, it's unlikely his parents are going to be receptive to any kind of dialogue. He's getting it from somewhere. Just from my experience.
Although I disagree with one piece of your response, I appreciate how thoughtful and thorough you were with your answer.
BBpluto
"ONE of THE GUYS"
The Guy's Perspective
Reply
10-21-2009 @ 6:38PM
Mary Sullivan said...Good point about not wanting another parent to talk to your kid. The only case in which I'd want that is if my kid is actually in the process of bullying someone (thank G*d it hasn't happened yet, to my knowledge, but that doesn't mean it never could) and the other parent walks by and sees it. I personally would rather that parent say something to my kid on the spot than ignore it. Otherwise, no; the parent needs to speak w/me, then I'll get my kid's side and talk to him about expectations and consequences, if needed. I doubt many parents would want to be skipped over in this process.
10-29-2009 @ 9:45PM
Mariel said...I recently shared an experience my son had and the things I did, my son did and the teacher did that helped the situtation. You can find it at www.oneshetwoshe.com
Mariel
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11-29-2009 @ 5:53PM
josey said...I totally agree with Elizabeth.
Josey
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