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Siblings Fight Over Halloween Costumes
Filed under: Holidays, Expert Advice: Babies, Behavior: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Behavior: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Behavior: Tweens, Expert Advice: Tweens, Behavior: Teens, Expert Advice: Teens, Expert Advice: Family Time
Dear AdviceMama:
Both my boys insist that the ONLY thing they want to be for Halloween is Wolverine. They came up with the idea on the same day, and have fought, bribed and done everything under the sun to convince the other to pick something else. Neither boy is budging. I've had it with trying to negotiate a solution. Help!
Signed,
Weary of Warring!
Dear Weary,
Here is what I would suggest you do about your kids' costume conflict: Absolutely nothing! Childhood is filled with frustrating moments. In a sense, each challenging experience that children successfully navigate provides them with another notch in their belt to remind them that they can handle life's disappointments. There is no other way for children to grow into adaptable, resilient adults other than discovering that even if they don't get the longed for toy, costume or girlfriend, they can survive and thrive.All of us know grown-ups who fall apart when upsetting things happen. Your brother-in-law's loan falls through and he screams obscenities at the loan officer. Your dog leaves something undesirable on your neighbor's lawn, and she leaves a furious ten-page letter on your doorstep. Children who haven't mastered the art of adaptation grow up to become adults incapable of handling life when it doesn't go their way.
I understand the temptation to try to negotiate a solution between your boys. But the fact is, your sons are going to either figure out a solution ... or not. Your job is to lovingly support them as they express their anger or sadness. It is not to fix their problem. Stay out of the fray and let your sons know what you are -- and aren't -- willing to do, whether it's to provide them each with $20 toward a costume, helping them put together a unique get-up from the attic, or support them to trick-or-treat in a T-shirt and jeans.
If one of them threatens to boycott Halloween unless he gets his way, let him stay home. Don't invest the situation with more drama than it deserves. I'm guessing that if you step back and let your boys sort this out, they will.
Remember: We're not really raising children here. We're raising adults.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
Both my boys insist that the ONLY thing they want to be for Halloween is Wolverine. They came up with the idea on the same day, and have fought, bribed and done everything under the sun to convince the other to pick something else. Neither boy is budging. I've had it with trying to negotiate a solution. Help!
Signed,
Weary of Warring!
Dear Weary,
Here is what I would suggest you do about your kids' costume conflict: Absolutely nothing! Childhood is filled with frustrating moments. In a sense, each challenging experience that children successfully navigate provides them with another notch in their belt to remind them that they can handle life's disappointments. There is no other way for children to grow into adaptable, resilient adults other than discovering that even if they don't get the longed for toy, costume or girlfriend, they can survive and thrive.All of us know grown-ups who fall apart when upsetting things happen. Your brother-in-law's loan falls through and he screams obscenities at the loan officer. Your dog leaves something undesirable on your neighbor's lawn, and she leaves a furious ten-page letter on your doorstep. Children who haven't mastered the art of adaptation grow up to become adults incapable of handling life when it doesn't go their way.
I understand the temptation to try to negotiate a solution between your boys. But the fact is, your sons are going to either figure out a solution ... or not. Your job is to lovingly support them as they express their anger or sadness. It is not to fix their problem. Stay out of the fray and let your sons know what you are -- and aren't -- willing to do, whether it's to provide them each with $20 toward a costume, helping them put together a unique get-up from the attic, or support them to trick-or-treat in a T-shirt and jeans.
If one of them threatens to boycott Halloween unless he gets his way, let him stay home. Don't invest the situation with more drama than it deserves. I'm guessing that if you step back and let your boys sort this out, they will.
Remember: We're not really raising children here. We're raising adults.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
10-22-2009 @ 2:55PM
Clarissa said...I personally would give them a time frame (say 3 days) in which to decide who is going to give in and let the other be the coveted character. If in that time frame they cannot decide who will be said character you will choose for them, or neither one can be it. I say this only because it is nearing Halloween and the closer it gets the harder it will be to find costumes at the stores.
Yes they should work it out for themselves. But sometimes parents have to step in and referee if the problem cannot be solved within a certain amount of time.
Parents should also take both boys individually off to the side and explain about self sacrifice. Then talk to them together about it. And also tell them it will not ruin the night if they are BOTH the same character. Both can still put their own individual spin on it and it will still be unique.
Reply
10-28-2009 @ 7:03AM
What a dumb article said...Give them some boxing gloves and let them fight it out. Winner takes the costume.
10-28-2009 @ 9:19AM
adam said...wolverine has a variety of costumes. there is the classic x men from the comic books, his brown alternative, and his most recent one of all leather. just let them decide which one appeals to them more
10-22-2009 @ 11:08PM
isisaquaria said...No one would be wolverine--regardless of timeframe.
Reply
10-23-2009 @ 5:00AM
ninainindia said...What's wrong with having 2 wolverines? I think it would be cute!
Reply
10-28-2009 @ 9:21AM
Jane said...I can't believe you had to write in and ask for help with this "problem." Did you ever hear of "flipping a coin?"
11-07-2009 @ 9:44AM
shianne said...i also think having the same costumes would look cute and they would not fight over them.
10-28-2009 @ 6:47AM
mabel eads said...One way to solve that problem is, let the boys start at opposite ends of the town and never the twain shall meet so to speak! that's the way I would handle the problem.
Reply
10-28-2009 @ 6:49AM
pat said...NO ONE WILL BE WOLVERINES AND I MAY NOT LET THEM GO OUT AND GET CANDY OR ANY THING TO DO ON THAT DAY
PAT
Reply
10-28-2009 @ 7:00AM
maryann said...I agree totally with the author..kids do need to learn to handle situations without their parents rushing in to fix things..growing up with 5 siblings we were taught to deal with each other in a fair way and taught to come up with solutions on our own..our parents were great at treating us with respect and all grew up to be responsible adults
Reply
10-28-2009 @ 8:28AM
suggarmaggnollia said...There are multiple versions of Wolverine. Let one kid be the classic comic book version, blue and yellow suit with really big hair and more dog like in appearance. Then let the other one be the new version. Or, let one be Wolverine in his fighting suit and the other be him in the leather jacket and jeans. Then, be creative and come up with a little background to convince them that both versions are supremely cool.
Reply
10-28-2009 @ 8:30AM
punkstara said...Wolverine has had many, many costumes over the years. I don't see any reason both boys couldn't be Wolverine. Why not have one be yellow and blue comic/animated Wolverine, and the other can don the leather jacket and white tank top and be Wolverine Origins? Easy solution, both boys are happy.
Reply
10-28-2009 @ 8:42AM
Deb said...Wolves are pack animals. Maybe they should convince their friends to join in and go as a wolf pack. Now that would be cute.
Reply
10-28-2009 @ 9:11AM
Joan said...That is a great idea Deb. Too bad the author did not think of that.
10-28-2009 @ 11:01AM
Jay said...That would be a great idea Deb if they were wolves but they aren't. They're wolverines. Totally different animal there genius.
10-28-2009 @ 1:34PM
Lynn said...This is so stupid.. get another costume already, and let them BOTH be wolverine..? I mean, how is this even an issue..?? If this is the biggest problem you have in your house, then consider yourselves blessed.
Reply
10-28-2009 @ 9:09AM
Sunday said...Seriously - what's the problem here? They can BOTH be wolverine's! I agree with those who have said this above. They can each add something different to add their own "twist" to the costume to make it their own. Why do Mom's have to make situations more of a drama than it is? lol
Reply
10-28-2009 @ 9:13AM
Jeff said...Its simple learn to MOMUP and tell them chill or no trick or treat!
Reply
10-28-2009 @ 9:22AM
kayla_rome@yahoo.com said...take them to the costume store and let them see all of the different choices... maybe they'll fall inlove with another costume or maybes there are two different wolverine costumes
obviously this "advice momma" doesnt have kids. shes a family and marriage therapist. not a child pscyhologist... you have to make sure the person giving you the advise has the right qualifications.
obviously these children fighting over the wolverine idea are young. you would be a horrible parent if you took their halloween away ... oh heres some jeans and a t-shirt have fun trick-or-treating. hahaha dumby
Reply
10-30-2009 @ 6:44PM
sd said...Obviously, you are an idiot.