Missing a Child's Big Event - How Bad?
Categories: Kids 5-7, Kids 8-11, Education, Opinions
How bad is it to get stuck at work and miss your child's big event? Credit: jupiterimages
Back-to-school night just passed and some mom friends were talking about how special these nights are... and how awful it is if a parent has to miss it. But sometimes missing a big event really, truly, can't be avoided. So if a parent just can't make it to the play, or choir recital or open school night... how bad?
To find out, I called my friend and Mommy Advisor Rosanne Tobey, director of Calm and Sense Therapy, a counseling service, for her take on the situation.
"This is a tough one," she started. "How a parent handles it depends on how big a moment it is for the child. If it's a really big moment, like the first day of kindergarten, of course it's going to feel worse for the child."
But for other important events, like a school play that a parent just can't make it to, it's still not ideal to miss them, but there may be ways you can mitigate the damage, Tobey said.
"For instance, I know a mom who just had surgery and couldn't go to back-to-school night...""At this mom's school, the students write notes to the parents and during back-to-school night, the parents write back. So this mom called the teacher and got her child's note in advance, and wrote her child back in advance, so that her child wasn't the only student with no note," said Tobey. "The point is, there are ways you can participate even if you can't physically be there."
Here is Tobey's advice for what to do if you really just can't make it:
Don't beat yourself up -- take action. "In these times, parents may occasionally have no choice but to miss a child's event for work," Tobey acknowledged. A parent beating herself up won't make a child feel better, but taking some steps to help a child feel the parent is there in spirit, will.
Alternatively participate. Find a way to let your child know you are thinking about her by sending a picture with her, or writing a letter that someone can read to her before or after the event. "Surely some people will read this and think 'a picture of you is a sad excuse for your presence,' but we don't live in an ideal world and something is better than nothing, and sometimes you have to do the best you can with what you've got," said Tobey.
Celebrate the event at home. If you have to miss her school play, for example, make sure someone videotapes it so you can all watch it together at home. "Treat the at-home viewing as if it's as important as the original event," said Tobey.
Create rituals with your child. These will give her comfort even when you're not together. For instance, Tobey says, "This is a trick from a child's book The Kissing Hand. Before your child leaves, put a kiss in her hand and say, 'This kiss will stay in your hand all day, put it to your cheek to feel a kiss from me.' And your child can do the same to your hand."
Keep track of your patterns. "These suggestions are not meant to say ''It's okay to miss all of your child's events because you can make it up to them,'" stressed Tobey. "Eventually, these won't be good enough. These tactics only work if your child already knows that you are there for them. If you have to use these regularly, you might want to ask yourself if your priorities are working for your family. You don't need to make a huge deal out of every little thing in in child's life, but you don't want to be dismissive of events that may be a very big deal to your child."
Have you missed an important event in your child's life? What happened, and how did you make it up to him or her?
If you've ever had a less-than-perfect parenting moment that has left you wondering, "How bad?" Send it to Sabrina at PrincessLPink9@aol.com. She'll try to answer as many as she can.
Sabrina Weill is the founder of the pink and princess-y gift site: PrincessLovesPink. Many of the Mommy Advisors in this column are the writer's personal or professional friends.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
LS 10-28-2009 @ 10:04AM
How about teaching your child - the older ones, particularly - that "it's not all about them". And before you flame me, let me explain.
Nowadays, our kids are involved in *everything*, and *every event* is the MOST IMPORTANT THING in their lives. As parents, we reschedule everything so we can be at every single game, every single play performance, every single band competition and concert. But honestly, each and every one is NOT the Big Day. (and I say this as a former marching band geek who had concerts and competitions nearly every weekend. and swim meets, and plays, and ballet recitals, and horse shows...) Sure, first day of Kindergarten might be a good one to be at, especially if your school, like my son's, has parent-included festivities. Parent-Teacher/Open House night is important because it's a touchstone with the teacher. Opening night when your daughter landed the lead role after a ton of practice? Definitely. But every game? Every concert? No.
Sit down with a couple sodas, your calendars (work, school and social) and your child. Compare notes. "This dinner for work is very important. But you have a game that night. I'm going to have to miss it, but you know I'm pulling for you, right? And you'll tell me everything about it when you get home.... and here, I have a meeting on the afternoon of your play's opening. I can get Bob to fill in for me, because I don't want to miss your Debut."
This is the only way that kids are going to learn give-and-take. It's the only way that they're going to understand that yes, their schedule is important, but so is yours. And they have to give up a little of their stuff, if they want you to be able to keep PAYING for their stuff.
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Elizabeth 10-28-2009 @ 11:28AM
I agree with LS on some points--such as your child has to learn give and take, but I don't agree with a parent's job being more important than your child's events. You can always get another job (though in this economy it might be a little harder), but you can't get another child.
First of all, parents these days feel like their child has to be in every activity, or they want them to be. They don't. It's okay if your kid only has one thing they do outside of school--i.e, soccer, theatre, dance. They don't have to have an activity every day of the week. If you're doing that, it's more pressure on the both of you--the parent, who has to figure out how to drive the child everywhere and make every event, and the child, who has to put so much effort into every activity. Yes, it's important for kids to try new activities, but it doesn't have to be all at once. If scheduling is tough because both parents are working (or you're a single parent), then say to your kid that they can only pick one extra curricular activity that's outside of school, and maybe one that's at school so you only have to do one pickup.
It's actually better for kids if they only have one or two activities because kids get burned out, too, and if they're doing soccer two days with games on Saturday, ballet three times a week, music lessons twice --that's four things besides school that your kid has to put energy into, and of course you're setting yourself up to miss some important event. I'll also mention that if kids don't have down time, they're going to start refusing to go to soccer, or won't dance at ballet, and say they want to quit, and that's where your money goes down the drain. Whereas, if your kid's only doing soccer, he or she only has to focus on that and school, and will put more effort into both. Then if they want to do more activities as they get older and can drive themselves, or get rides from other parents or their friends, then they have that option.
Secondly, there is only a small window when kids actually want their parents to come to games, plays, etc, and the more you say you can't because of work, the more a kid is going to resent that, and you, and then they won't get you a ticket to the event you really want to go to. They won't care that you're trying to earn a living, because what it says to them is that you care more about earning money than me. Now of course as adults we know that's not true, but kids don't see it that way, and aren't going to see it that way because they are children. However, if your kid is only in one activity, there is less pressure on both of you, and indeed it's easier to come to a single event than many.
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Ash 10-28-2009 @ 10:44PM
I'm in college so it wasn't that long ago that I had stuff for my parents to go to.
I think a lot of this advice is pretty stupid. Watching the play on video later and making it a big event is a great idea, but the hand kiss thing was too sickly sweet. How about a nice note in thier backpack?
Also, a lot of the stuff that parents get all hyped up about it stupid. Did you know that girls at my school wore PROM dresses to EIGHTH grade graduation? I decided on something 10 times simpler (and probably cheaper) than everyone else's. My dad went to the event and sat through all the pomp (as if graduating middle school takes much effort). Other parents were so into it for some reason. At the end of the night my dad and I were both laughing in the car about how stupid it all was.
Same with all the over invoved kids. I played flute in middle school but when I got to high school I picked art classes instead. I picked one sport and spent the rest of my time on schoolwork and working so that I could buy MYSELF a car. My dad didn't go to every swim meet, but he was there for some of them, what percentage I can't remember.
What I remember is that he always gave me a ride, he always asked me how it went, he always told me 'good job' when I did something well and he always worried about the things I NEEDED for me, and let me worry about the things I WANTED.
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