Last November, the American Automobile Association estimated that 41 million people would travel at least 50 miles from home for the Thanksgiving weekend, and odds are that most of those travelers were headed to family gatherings.

For most of us, the joy of being with loved ones is mixed with a dollop of stress. Keeping your cool when family issues get hot can be difficult -- but experts say that total meltdowns can be avoided by using a few sensible strategies.

Susan Stiffelman, a California-based therapist and author of the popular ParentDish column Ask AdviceMama, said the first step is recognizing that the situation will be stressful. A licensed and practicing psychotherapist specializing in marriage and family, she said that a good way to approach the holidays is to put yourself in the shoes of the person who is making your blood boil.

"In a way, these family gatherings are like a breeding ground, a hot bed for issues," Stiffelman said. "Right down to things like, 'We don't make our gravy that way,' It takes next to nothing to trigger an upset."

For instance, say Aunt Mary is telling the same, boring 30-minute tale she's been telling since 1978. It makes you crazy, right? Flip it around, Stiffelman said.

"I can either feel my blood pressure rise while she tells the story, or I can think of three reasons why it might make sense that Aunt Mary would do that," she explained. "One, maybe she is lonely. Two, she doesn't have a great memory and maybe she forgets that she told the story before, and three, she is shy and she only feels comfortable taking center stage when she's with family."

Now how do you feel about poor Aunt Mary? Probably a lot less hostile. "You can take it even further," Stiffelman said, "and you can say to yourself, 'How do others feel when I do that thing that I do?'"

Speaking of hostile, plenty of conflict is likely to arise when adult children decide not to return home for the holidays.

"This is probably the hardest thing to deal with once you get married and worse when you have children," said Barry G. Ginsberg, a board-certified psychologist in Doylestown, Pa. "It's best for the marriage and the children if your parents can accept that you no longer are living there with them, that you have your own family which has its own independent needs."

While it is necessary, Ginsberg added that it "cannot occur without breaking some hearts on the way."

Stiffelman agrees. Delivering the death blow to the extended-family holiday extravaganza, she said, can be stressful for the breaker and the break-ee alike. Keeping a cool head goes a long way toward diffusing the tension.

"When people are upset, they are in their right brain," she explained. "The right brain is not rational and it is not language-oriented. We can't knock on the left brain when they are in their right brain with reasons and logic, because it doesn't resonate."

Instead, she said, stay rational in the face of the emotional onslaught and let the other person know you understand that he or she is hurt. Once you acknowledge the distress, you can move on to solutions, such as coming for a visit at another time.

For those who just can't give up that big family bash, Ginsberg offers practical advice to get through it. Good planning, he said, helps -- and so does knowing in advance when the festivities will end.

"Structuring the time when everyone is together, including arrival and ending times, is helpful," he said.

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