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How Can I Make My Son Tell The Truth?
Filed under: Preschoolers, Big Kids, Tweens, Development/Milestones: Babies, Childcare
Dear AdviceMama:
My 6-year-old son lies to me on a daily basis. He hides food in his room and lies about it, among other things. Conversely, he never lies to his father, my husband, who's a workaholic. What can I do to change my son's behavior? It's getting out of hand.
Signed,
Tired of Tall Tales
Dear ToTT:
When a child lies, the quickest way to change the behavior is to figure out the reason behind it. It may be that he wants something so badly that he's willing to risk getting in trouble. It may be a passive way of asserting control over his life, especially if he feels out of control, hurt or angry. Although your son may intellectually know that it's wrong to lie, he might have trouble managing his impulses when he's tempted by something he wants badly. And finally, there are some children who blur the line between truth and lies, believing the version of events they've told you so passionately that they actually forget they've wandered far from the truth.
In answering your question, it would be helpful for you to consider why your son is lying. I consider a child's misbehavior to be a flashing neon sign announcing that something's going on that needs to be addressed. In other words, the lying and deceptive behavior is a symptom of something else.
If you just focus on getting him to admit he's lied, he'll simply become a better liar. Instead, sit down with him and have a conversation to get things out in the open. Hold your position as the calm, confident captain of the ship for him, looking to solve a problem rather than an angry, hurt mother who is taking his lying personally.
You: "Sweetheart, I notice there are crumbs in your room."
Child: "I don't know anything about it! I haven't been eating in there!"
You: (Not taking the bait) "Do you ever wonder why we don't like you to eat in your room...?"
Child: "I'm NOT eating in there, Mommy!"
You: "Well, I heard you say that. And I wonder if you ever wish you could eat in your room."
Child: "My friends get to eat in their rooms."
You: "I guess it seems unfair that you don't get to something they get to do..."
Child: "You make a lot of mean rules, Mommy. I don't like your rules."
You: "It's hard for you, isn't it honey, when there are things you want that I won't let you have..."
Child: (getting tearful) "Yeah...I don't like it...I saw those cookies and I knew you wouldn't let me have any so I took some to my room..."
We're not trying to force the child to confess as much as find the root of the problem so we can actually solve it. Until you let your child feel heard, you won't know if his lying is a result of longing for cookies, being upset with a missing Daddy, having poor impulse control or something else.
By giving a child an "Act I" and allowing him to feel that it's safe to tell you their truth, you'll get to the heart of the problem. While you may need to set some clear consequences for lying, I guarantee you'll find your child doing less of that if you make room to understand what's causing it.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
My 6-year-old son lies to me on a daily basis. He hides food in his room and lies about it, among other things. Conversely, he never lies to his father, my husband, who's a workaholic. What can I do to change my son's behavior? It's getting out of hand.
Signed,
Tired of Tall Tales
Dear ToTT:
When a child lies, the quickest way to change the behavior is to figure out the reason behind it. It may be that he wants something so badly that he's willing to risk getting in trouble. It may be a passive way of asserting control over his life, especially if he feels out of control, hurt or angry. Although your son may intellectually know that it's wrong to lie, he might have trouble managing his impulses when he's tempted by something he wants badly. And finally, there are some children who blur the line between truth and lies, believing the version of events they've told you so passionately that they actually forget they've wandered far from the truth.
In answering your question, it would be helpful for you to consider why your son is lying. I consider a child's misbehavior to be a flashing neon sign announcing that something's going on that needs to be addressed. In other words, the lying and deceptive behavior is a symptom of something else.
If you just focus on getting him to admit he's lied, he'll simply become a better liar. Instead, sit down with him and have a conversation to get things out in the open. Hold your position as the calm, confident captain of the ship for him, looking to solve a problem rather than an angry, hurt mother who is taking his lying personally.
You: "Sweetheart, I notice there are crumbs in your room."
Child: "I don't know anything about it! I haven't been eating in there!"
You: (Not taking the bait) "Do you ever wonder why we don't like you to eat in your room...?"
Child: "I'm NOT eating in there, Mommy!"
You: "Well, I heard you say that. And I wonder if you ever wish you could eat in your room."
Child: "My friends get to eat in their rooms."
You: "I guess it seems unfair that you don't get to something they get to do..."
Child: "You make a lot of mean rules, Mommy. I don't like your rules."
You: "It's hard for you, isn't it honey, when there are things you want that I won't let you have..."
Child: (getting tearful) "Yeah...I don't like it...I saw those cookies and I knew you wouldn't let me have any so I took some to my room..."
We're not trying to force the child to confess as much as find the root of the problem so we can actually solve it. Until you let your child feel heard, you won't know if his lying is a result of longing for cookies, being upset with a missing Daddy, having poor impulse control or something else.
By giving a child an "Act I" and allowing him to feel that it's safe to tell you their truth, you'll get to the heart of the problem. While you may need to set some clear consequences for lying, I guarantee you'll find your child doing less of that if you make room to understand what's causing it.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
11-02-2009 @ 2:19PM
Elizabeth said...I always tell everyone, not just kids, but friends, boyfriends, co-workers, that if they've done something wrong, to tell me the truth, because if they lie to me, not only am I going to be upset about the thing they did, but I'm also going to be upset about the lie, whereas if they'd owned up to it in the first place, I would in fact be grateful that they told me the truth, and we could work together to fix the problem. When I'm dealing with kids, they know that the punishment for lying to me is far worse than actually telling me they did something wrong, so most of them own up to it immediately. For example, if someone hit their sibling and admitted it when asked, the punishment might be a time-out, but if they lie about it, it would be sent to bed early with no TV or computer time.
Reply
11-03-2009 @ 11:28AM
LS said..."I consider a child's misbehavior to be a flashing neon sign announcing that something's going on that needs to be addressed. In other words, the lying and deceptive behavior is a symptom of something else."
Why does there always have to be a complicated ulterior motive? Why can't there ever be a simple ulterior motive?
I submit that in at least half of the situations.... more, if the child is younger - like in the late preschool, kindergarten and early elementary years - that lying is simply that. Lying to see what will happen, or to just get out of perceived trouble: "oh, crap. I slipped and bumped the table, and broke mommy's vase. She's gonna be mad. I'll blame the dog." as opposed to, "gee, I broke mommy's vase. I now feel bad about myself and have low self esteem, and I'll tell a lie to assuage my guilt and make myself feel better."
Sorry, I go with #1... blame the dog, avoid Time Out.
So be a parent. Follow through on the consequences. Save the long, drawn out talk and analysis for when you REALLY need it, instead of analyzing every. single. action.
Reply
11-16-2009 @ 11:24PM
Stuart Kaplowitz said...Of course, I love to share the "boy who cried wolf" to kids and ask them how they feel when someone does not believe them. I share my own frustration here as well and how important my own word is.
Reply