Gender Disappointment: When Parents Don't Get The Child They Wanted

by Amy Hatch (Subscribe to Amy Hatch's posts) Nov 18th 2009 12:44PM

Categories: Newborns, Just For Moms, Babies, Just For Dads, Pregnancy & Birth, Playground Bureau, Weird But True

Expecting parents who hope for a specific gender -- and then get the opposite -- can go through real feelings of depression and shame. Credit: sallyrae17, Flickr

Parents wait with bated breath to learn the gender of their unborn baby -- and sometimes, the answer isn't what they wanted to hear. Gender disappointment is a real and often heartbreaking matter for mothers and fathers who had their hearts set on a boy or a girl.

We chatted about this in the office when our colleague, an AOL editor who's expecting his first child, admitted that had his heart set on a girl.

"Everybody in my family has girls," he tells us, preferring to remain anonymous. "I guess we need a boy in the family, but when the doctor told us we were having a boy, I was so disappointed."He says he knows he shouldn't be upset, and that as long as his son is healthy he'll be a happy dad, indeed. But that doesn't stop him from thinking about what could have been.

Joyce Venis is a psychiatric nurse in Princeton, N.J., who works with parents who have similar reactions. Gender disappointment is often dismissed or not discussed, she recently told MSNBC, because parents feel they will appear ungrateful.

Venis adds that it's not wrong for parents to hope for a specific gender, and it does not mean that they don't want the child. "They have the right to want the certain sex," she tells MSNBC. But if the problem is severe enough to cause symptoms of depression, parents should not be ashamed to seek the advice of a therapist.

In some cultures, gender disappointment takes on even greater import. In China, for example, where the government limits the number of children parents can have, boys are preferred because they continue the family line. In too many cases there, parents have been known to abandon or even kill their newborn baby girls.

Back in America, our colleague knows that he's lucky, and jokes about how his wife tells him to stop talking about having a girl in front of their unborn son.

"She really wanted a boy," he says. "She always tells me when I talk about it, 'The baby can hear you!'" He adds that one reason he wanted a little girl is so that he could see a "cute little version of his wife running around, but I'm still super excited either way."

Were you upset when you found out the gender of your baby, and how did you cope with those feelings of disappointment?

Source

Comments (367)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 19)

MommyOf2boys 11-18-2009 @ 2:21PM

Ill admit it, like the dad in the story, I diddnt think having a boy was an option My whole family consists of single mothers and their daughters starting with my great great grandmother. We have always had girls.
When I found out my oldest was a boy, a was suprised, but thrilled that he was healthy. My second pregnancy, I was certain that it would be a girl, But the ultrasound tech told me it was a boy, I teared up a little, I did very much want a girl, and I knew I wasnt going to be having another baby.
Fastforward to today where my joys are sitting at the table eating lunch talking about zombies and the potato chip of christmas past I am happy. I am grateful that I got two healthy baby boys who really are eachothers best friends. No, its not what I would of planned or even chosen if I had a chance, but this turned out so much better.

itzjusme25 11-19-2009 @ 2:30PM

Same situation here. I wouldn't have it any other way!

paigen2grls07 11-19-2009 @ 2:23PM

isn't it great though that they get to be best friends? My girls love each others company, sure they squabble a bit but they play together WAY more than I would have time to in the house between being a full time student, cooking, cleaning, etc lol. I love that they are close in age and like the same things I think if my 2nd would have been a boy it would be a little divided they may not have been so close, but when i was hoping for my 3rd to be a boy I thought well the girls will have someone to play with (each other) and then I thought would would the boy play with lol....looks like all 3 of them are going to be BFF's and playmates! Love ur post! :o)

marcia hagman 11-19-2009 @ 3:03PM

We had our first of six children while my husband was still in college. We ended up having three girls and then had a girl and boy twins! That was pretty darned exciting. Our sixth was another boy so we were extremely thrilled about that. Now that they are all grown up and still like us, we feel extremely blessed. I wouldn't trade for a mini second.

char8945 11-19-2009 @ 3:33PM

I am also a Mommy of 2 boys who really wanted a girl. My boys are wonderful grown men and best friends to one another. I truly enjoyed raising them. Each has now given me granddaughters. Let me tell you having granddaughters is even better if I had had a daughter. I love them and enjoy them while their parents have all of the responsibiliy and worry.

mom of 2 girls 11-19-2009 @ 3:32PM

well my first child was a girl it didnt matter but 3 yrs after i meet my boyfriend of now 2 yrs, i got preg, he had his whole heart set on a boy, he had his name picked out when i was like 2 mth preg. but when i found out i was getting a girl he was pissed lol and vex, but in the end we got a very healthy baby girl and now he loves her so much, so yes we both were dissapointed but we had to deal with reality.

Gloria 11-19-2009 @ 3:41PM

It doesnt matter what it is. If a person has to make such a huge deal over the sex of a child maybe they should strongly thing of not having children.

Grace 11-19-2009 @ 3:51PM

I had two boys as well and wanted a girl so badly I remember yelling at the doctor and my husband that they couldn't do anything right.. How awful was that. But as it turns out they grew up to be awesome men who have given me multiple grandaughters. I now have 3 grandaughters and another child on the way. Hmmm what will the sex of that one be. Believe it or not we are hoping for a boy. How ironic.

trixie 11-19-2009 @ 4:11PM

You are very fortunate. I am unable to have children.

jossy 11-19-2009 @ 4:13PM

I was really disappointed. when i had my sonogram they told me i was going to have a girl- I was soooooooo happy went home and emediately started looking for names- I named her Jazleen- Everything was ready for my princess- Gave birth to a boy- Im happy with my boy however sometimes i cry I feel that my little girl died- I told her stories, sayed goodmorning and goodnight Jazleen- Everything i bough for her i pictured her wearing it. My boy has 7 moths now and every time i go clothing shopping for him, I cried when i see the baby girl section.

Natosha 11-19-2009 @ 4:24PM

I guess I was lucky, both hubby and I. we both wanted two kids. a boy and a girl. we both wanted our first to be a boy. after 8 years of trying we got preggers. and our first was a boy. Hubby was on cloud nine, because for about 8 generations all the men in his family..all their first borns were males. I thought he was joking. I looked it up and he was telling the truth! he was so happy with himself lol. we got preggers with our second right away. and we were hoping for a girl. its a girl! so not only did we get the two perfect babies we wanted. we did it in the right order lol. and they are both completely healthy to boot. which is what we wanted either way. we would have tried for a third baby to get that girl. but our family is now complete and we couldnt be happier.

wildfire3587 11-19-2009 @ 4:34PM

I am a mom who back in 1990 had a set of triplets whom were born to early, they all passed away. I had two boys and one little girl. I was told that I would never be able to carry a child to full term so I might not ever have children. In 1995 I delivered my oldest son and was able to carry to term by using a cerclage on my cervix. We were soo excited just to be able to have such a wonderful gift from God! It almost felt as if I was able to let go of some of the grief from my loss with having a new baby! Then in 1997 I delivered another boy and of course this time I was hoping for a girl since I had lost a little girl, well God decided differently for me. I have two awsome boys, now 12 and 14, and like others I feel extremely blessed to be able to have children at all! Hold each day like it is your last and love your children unconditionally. Some people aren't as fortunate to be able to have and to hold such wonderful miricles as we have been able to!

Catherine 11-19-2009 @ 4:55PM

When we had our ultrasound for kiddo #3, the tech actually said "Oh, I think you have your little girl." Then corrected herself. My husband's face just melted he was so sad. With kiddo #4, I didn't know I had my heart set on a girl until the tech said "It's another little boy" I started crying. Love my 4 boys better than anything, but you can't deny being upset when things you've wished for don't come true.

2ndChance 11-19-2009 @ 4:53PM

I am 40 years old with no husband contenders in site, and would very much like to have a child. In addition, I am recovering from Guillian-Barre Syndrome, and since I got this in August, I haven't had a menstrual cycle, and we don't know if it will ever come back, or if it does, when. With not a lot of time left, if I have any at all, I have to say that anyone who is able to have a healthy child really needs to take a deep breath and gladly accept whatever God gives them and not grouse and whine that they didn't get the gender they wanted! Think about it folks - there are a lot of women out there who want children and physically cannot have a child. Yes, adoption is an option, which I will gladly do if need be, but if any of the biological moms out there were given the choice of getting pregnant or adopting, my guess is 99% of them would choose to get pregnant. So, I'll tell you what. If any of you get pissy because you didn't get the gender you wanted, give it up for adoption and let someone whose only option is adoption care for your kid!

sijla 11-19-2009 @ 5:07PM

You want a boy.... no problem, you want a girl, again no problem.. no its not magic...
girls have more acid than boys, how come.. well the father must work hard for about two weeks at the gym, or at work he has to build up the acid in his blood, then if he starts a family while he has extra acid in his blood, then it will be a girl...
Boys dont have so much acid so the father can just sit on the beach doing nothing and just being lazy again for about two weeks so the acid in low,
so there is a good chance 8/10 they will get what they want....have fun..J

oreo1603 11-19-2009 @ 5:15PM

I have a 2 month old daughter, when I found out I was pregnant with her, I wanted a boy really bad, I have a boy(5) and a girl(1) so I havent had a boy in 5 years and I just had a girl, when I found out I was pregnant with another girl I was very disappointed, but that disappointment left as soon as it came, well it took about 10 minutes but I am sooooo happy I had another girl I love her with all my heart, I just tell my husband we have to try again for a boy in a few years. :)

waterkrystal 11-19-2009 @ 5:38PM

Wow to bash someone over their preference in their child. I had 6 boys. Love them to death, wouldn't change them if I could. I wanted a lil girl every time. Was I disappointed? Hell yeah. Who are these people who try to tell others how they should feel about one thing or another?

Alexis 11-19-2009 @ 6:37PM

Personally I didnt hope for either bc how sad is it to be disappointed in your child before they can do any wrong

Alexis 11-19-2009 @ 6:36PM

JOSSY that is terrible especially now that he is 7 monthes old get the hell over it

Nikki 11-19-2009 @ 6:40PM

I have 3 boys, 4, 2 1/2, and 17 months I am about 14 weeks, with what I am praying is a little girl, I am totally done with blue, and this is probably my last one. I have prayed for a little girl every time, but this time seems more important becuase it may be my last chance to have a girl, I had an ultrasound at 13 weeks the u/s tech saud she thought it was a boy, Ill be honest I cried, but i am over it, I am hoping she was wrong, but if she wasnt oh well. yes I will be dissappointed and always wonder what if, but if and when it comes out a boy I will love it all the same. Good luck to everyone else, all I can say is pray, and pray hard =) So far it hasnt worked for me lol but maybe this time and maybe it will for someone else.