Gender Disappointment: When Parents Don't Get The Child They Wanted

by Amy Hatch (Subscribe to Amy Hatch's posts)
Nov 18th 2009 12:44PM

Expecting parents who hope for a specific gender -- and then get the opposite -- can go through real feelings of depression and shame. Credit: sallyrae17, Flickr

Parents wait with bated breath to learn the gender of their unborn baby -- and sometimes, the answer isn't what they wanted to hear. Gender disappointment is a real and often heartbreaking matter for mothers and fathers who had their hearts set on a boy or a girl.

We chatted about this in the office when our colleague, an AOL editor who's expecting his first child, admitted that had his heart set on a girl.

"Everybody in my family has girls," he tells us, preferring to remain anonymous. "I guess we need a boy in the family, but when the doctor told us we were having a boy, I was so disappointed."He says he knows he shouldn't be upset, and that as long as his son is healthy he'll be a happy dad, indeed. But that doesn't stop him from thinking about what could have been.

Joyce Venis is a psychiatric nurse in Princeton, N.J., who works with parents who have similar reactions. Gender disappointment is often dismissed or not discussed, she recently told MSNBC, because parents feel they will appear ungrateful.

Venis adds that it's not wrong for parents to hope for a specific gender, and it does not mean that they don't want the child. "They have the right to want the certain sex," she tells MSNBC. But if the problem is severe enough to cause symptoms of depression, parents should not be ashamed to seek the advice of a therapist.

In some cultures, gender disappointment takes on even greater import. In China, for example, where the government limits the number of children parents can have, boys are preferred because they continue the family line. In too many cases there, parents have been known to abandon or even kill their newborn baby girls.

Back in America, our colleague knows that he's lucky, and jokes about how his wife tells him to stop talking about having a girl in front of their unborn son.

"She really wanted a boy," he says. "She always tells me when I talk about it, 'The baby can hear you!'" He adds that one reason he wanted a little girl is so that he could see a "cute little version of his wife running around, but I'm still super excited either way."

Were you upset when you found out the gender of your baby, and how did you cope with those feelings of disappointment?

ReaderComments (Page 5 of 19)

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11-19-2009 @ 3:14PM

Rosemary said...

I read all the comments. Mine comes from the other side you see my mom wanted a boy so bad that she told the DR. I don't want no damn girl put her back and get me a boy. She would not hold or look at me for the first two days. The Dr. wanted so much to have a girl after having 7 boys that he had adoption paper drawn up. He brought the adoption paper and me into see my mom. My dad was in on this with my Dr. But before Dr. would let her sign the papers she had to hold me. Once she held me that was it she wouldn't let go. I lost my mom 15 years ago and I still miss her. And I'm so happy that she told me the story about my birth because it made me realize that there are disapointments but you can make them the happiest things and times in your lives.

svanstem said...

I had two girls when we found out we were pregnant, and I wanted another girl. My need for another girl was out of fear that I would not be able to take care of boy, as I never had to before. When we found out it was a boy, I cried. My whole pregnancy I had a lot of problems and I wrongfully blamed it on the baby. When he was born though, I fell in love. He was in NICU for a week with sugar issues and he put up such a good fight. He is now the biggest momma's boy ever. I still have guilt issues over how I felt about him, but I love him so much and all I can do is show him how much he means to me.

11-19-2009 @ 3:16PM

Frankie said...

"A cute little version of his wife running around"? Yikes, dude.
Even ignoring the pedophilic overtones, overpopulation is a reality, folks. Do we really want to make it any worse by having kids for reasons like *this*? Or for any reason that has to do with the gender of your baby, or how solipsistically awesome it might be to see your very own, or your partner's, DNA in the face of a person you created? The cool thing about evolution is that we developed brains that help us make intelligent and compassionate decisions about our own procreation, rather than just making babies on a lark.

11-19-2009 @ 3:17PM

Kristine said...

I just hope my baby due in May is smarter than half the ignorant people on this message board. =) I love how complete strangers prosthelytize about how other people "ought" to feel about something that is personal and has nothing to do with them. Typical.

11-19-2009 @ 8:40PM

Erin said...

you just did, too

Carol Stout said...

This is in reply to DT and her letter about having a boy with Downs syndrome. While it is a disappointment to have a child with any disability it is also quite a joy. My youngest son is now 28 years old and was born with cerebral palsy and epilepsy. He is also mentally challenged. He really has turned out to be quite a joy in all of our lives. He doesn't know life any differently because he was born with his condition so he has accepted it very well and we have always treated him just as "normally" as we possibly could. There were a lot of times when people thought we should not have done that but as I told them the world is not going to treat him differently so why should we. We treated him the same way we treated our other children and he is the better for it.

A friend of mine also pointed out something that I have remembered to this day. One day I was talking to her and said something about him being disabled. She told me he was NOT disabled; he was
"differently abled". What a wonderful difference it made when I looked at it that way. We are all "differently abled" in our own ways.
Your child to is "differently abled" and I am sure you will learn to enjoy his abilities as we have enjoyed our sons.

11-19-2009 @ 3:19PM

Mayzie71 said...

A month after my wedding, I was pregnant. My husband and I were anxious to start our all-american family with the protective older brother and the baby sister. When I found out my first born was not the boy I had hoped for I was crushed. I'll admit I did cry once I was alone. As time went by, the idea of having a little girl grew on me. I enjoyed buying little dresses and hair bows.

6 years later I have my daughter and a one year old boy. Now, I realize that someone knew what they were doing. My daughter was very independent and wanted to do everything herself. She wanted me to watch her from a distance as she explored. As a first time mom, she was virtually effortless to parent.

My son is not so effortless, he wants me for everything and anything. I love every minute of it but I can not imagine my 20 year old self being able to hold up to his demanding nature. He is the stereotypical mama's boy.

I love both my kids and couldn't imagine my life any differently. Sometimes what you want and what is best for you are not the same thing!

Lady Wiccan said...

I had three beautiful children, my husband and I didn't give a rat's a$$ what the gender was, if a couple have their hearts set on a certain gender, they should adopt

11-19-2009 @ 3:43PM

iluvkittymewmews said...

When I had my first I wanted a girl sooo bad. And I got a boy. It's ok tho. He's an angel and I couldn't imagine life without him. When I got pregnant again I prayed for a girl. And again, was told I was having a boy. I cried. Now I wouldn't trade him for anything, but sometimes I feel like something is missing. I'm tempted to try one more time, but what if it happens again? I am seriously considering adoption.

11-19-2009 @ 3:23PM

me said...

Gender is socialized.
Sex is biological.
Gender does not equal sex.

Good job to whoever wrote this article. Parents can't be disappointed about their child's gender because they teach that to them. They can be disappointed with their child's sex, which is due to the random genetic pairing of chromosomes.

Woo college!

11-19-2009 @ 3:38PM

I don't know if gender is fully socialized. It is the whole nature vs nurture argument. My son is 14 months and he is all boy and none of it was taught to him at all. He spends 90% of his time with me and I am a very girly girl type. That doesn't stop him from loving trucks, trains and cars. He also has a thing for cute blondes of any age. He enjoys watching sports even though he rarely gets to see him. I expected him to kind of be more like me when I was pregnant. I am the artsy type, and I just figured because he was always around me that he would turn into one of those shy quite art guys... boy was I wrong I got the manly man jock, with no nurturing towards it.

11-19-2009 @ 3:37PM

Krystal said...

I try not to be judgemental, but as a person suffering with infertility, gender disappointment really upsets me. If I could ever have a baby, I wouldn't care what it was. It's important to be thankful for your blessings.

11-19-2009 @ 3:24PM

Amber said...

My daughter is now almost 17 months old... The hell of a pregnancy that I had I was SURE that she was a boy. I wanted a little boy too. I had the name all picked out and what not. But when we found out she was a girl, I was alright. I kept doubting it even though we were definitely sure she was a girl, she had her legs spread and everything for the ultrasound.
But she's just amazing and I wouldn't trade her for anything. She's my world and I love her more than anything.

iliv4him52298 said...

You know, I can understand being slightly disapointed with not getting the gender you wanted. But you get over it and you are excited for what you are going to have. What bothered me was the dad said "as long as his son is healthy, I'll be a happy dad" , wait a minute, what if there's a disability or they have a baby that's special needs. What? He won't be a happy dad then. We have to play the hand that we're dealt, it's part of life. Get over it.

11-19-2009 @ 3:31PM

kyvia666 said...

Not to be rude, but reading through half of these comments...by the gods. A lot of you people sound like children, yourselves. Tossing petty insults and making cutting judgements, on both sides. Mature people can have two different points of view, and express those different views, without insults and name-calling. This is the very reason so many of our youth end up growing into rude, disrespectful little mites. Stop and think about your words, once in awhile. They matter.

As for the article, I can understand, I think. You build a view of the future build around a specific gender, and then having those dreams crumble can be a bit disappointing, I imagine. But as long as you love the child, regardless of gender, feel however you wish, I say.

11-19-2009 @ 3:26PM

byrdog said...

These 'mothers' "fear" being judged because of their hidden
disappointments' about the unwanted gender of the baby they've just borne??
ARE KIDDING ME? IF DOESN'T SAY IT ALL ABOUT THIS SPOILED, SELF SERVING, CRYBABY GENERATION WE'VE MANAGED TO HAND EVERYTHING TO ON A SILVER PLATTER- I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL DOES.
AND we wonder?? why our jails are chock full of bratty 30 year olds who refused to discipline their kids, let alone themselves????

Somebody needs a serious dose of reality check 101- LIFE IS ABOUT TO GET 200% harder- with looming health care cost spikes and cut cut cut to these same self absorbs paychecks.
The delusional whiners of the world deserve all the misery than can concoct. They do it all by themselves. No help from me, thank you.

11-19-2009 @ 3:30PM

Angiebaby said...

So many things which are perfectly normal are being turned into "mental health issues" these days. The person who tells you there is something wrong with you because you wanted a son or had hoped for a daughter is the crazy one.

There is nothing wrong or shameful about wanting to have a boy or a girl, either one, or one of each. Once the healthy baby arrives and is placed in your arms, and you look into that tiny perfect face, everything is alright. If after counting fingers and toes, and becoming totally mesmerized by this little thing you still feel "resentful" and only dress your son in sundresses with bonnets, THEN you really should talk to somebody.

Cindy said...

I too was slightly disappointed when I had my first born, a boucing baby boy, but as the years passed by, my blessings have increased ten fold as he is the kindest, most understanding and loving son a mother could want. He's had a difficult childhood with a father that has been incarerated and he recently told me, that he didn't want to cause me the grief that his father caused, so he stayed out of trouble and was a mentor for my younger son who is 10 years younger. Now my oldest son is going to be a father for the very first time and I'm thrilled over the news.

My daughter was my 2nd child and she was my most difficult, but now that she's a single parent herself, she sees the trials and tribulations that I went through. I love her and my 7 year old granddaughter very much and they have moved out of state, so it's a different world.

As the Holidays approach, remember to be kind and loving to your family as we never know what tomorrow brings!

Live, laugh and love....everything else in life is immaterial!

11-19-2009 @ 3:47PM

Ellen said...

This is a shame.....You should be happy just to have a healthy baby....
Do you know how many people that are out there that cannot have children of their own or loose a child at birth.....JUST BE THANKFUL PEOPLE......

11-19-2009 @ 3:34PM

Charles Carter said...

Wanted boy and then girl, got boy and then girl. That is all I wanted. After two more boys and another girl, ran screaming to doctor to get out his scalpel. They all turned out great with fine families of their own. I still have no clue how we managed to do it.

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