Kidless During The Holidays
Categories: Just For Moms, Just For Dads, Holidays, Single Parenting, Opinions
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Tom Henderson, single dad, trying to figure it out
I'm not normally one to latch on to Scrooge-style philosophizing, but this time of year, I'm easily mistaken for his grumpy twin when those sickeningly sweet TV commercials emerge, showing happy families gathering around the fireplace.
As a card-carrying members of the divorced-with-shared-custody club, we are perfectly nice people who have to do things like my friend Mike just did. He spent part of last week dividing up the Christmas ornaments with his estranged spouse.
"It was congenial, but not tender," he says.
He misses the old days when Christmas morning was a magical thing reflected in the eyes of his children. So do I. We lived those TV commercials. Now, holiday depression is an angry little dog constantly nipping at my heels this time of year. Most of the time, I can out run it. Other times, it overtakes me and gnaws out my innards.
I have spent the last two Christmas mornings without my kids. The first one was the worst. I tried to make myself useful outdoors, but the only other person on the street was a knife-wielding lunatic threatening to gut me. True story.
It was really sad when the police came and got him. I was all alone again.
Christmas these past few years has not been something to celebrate, rather something to endure. But you know what? That's OK. Too many people try to force themselves to be jolly. Depression, especially during the holidays, is viewed as some of sin in our society. We feel we must medicate, meditate or talk our way out of it. Fact is, when life sucks, depression is just good thinking. Life isn't always going to happy and sparkly. And when it's not, it's OK to admit that you can't get around it. Only through it.
"It's difficult for parents to be without children at the holidays -- flat-out difficult and painful," says family therapist Susan Stiffelman, AdviceMama for ParentDish. "When it's the 'other' parents' time turn to have the children, there can be the added sadness at the sense of loss of the family that used to be intact."
Figure out a way to be with other people, Stiffelman says. "Don't hesitate to ask for an invitation from family or friends for gatherings," she says. "People may not know you're free, so don't wait to be asked."
Good advice. I dealt with holidays when I was single in my 20s by playing Santa Claus every year. It got me involved in something beyond myself. The important thing is not to stay cooped up in your private version of the North Pole, watching those horrid commercials.
That's how Scrooges are made. Takes one to know one. And you don't want to be one.
Are you with me, single parents? Are those of you with kids elsewhere getting out of the house on Christmas Day?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 4)
Dot 12-10-2009 @ 4:17PM
Even though I have custody of my 2 sons, I spend the holidays alone. I have always allowed my sons to have that experience of the extended family for the holidays. I lost both my parents by the time I was 19 and I, unfortunately, do not have that extended family to share with my sons. I do find the holidays depressing and I really miss my parents this time of year, but I do my very best to keep my depression from consuming me and I know most people have no idea of my inner sadness. I instead find whatever positive things I can to focus on and know that I have the love of my sons with me even while they are with their dad.
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Simzee 12-10-2009 @ 9:41PM
I love to be alone. Thanx Mom
Jean 12-10-2009 @ 10:29PM
I understand when you say that your ex may have extended family that helps to perpetuate that Christmas feeling. I get involved at Church - but we do our Christmas program at the beginning of December. That still leaves 'the day' (and my so many well-meaning friends) in a quandry - what to do about the 'single' one? The important thing to do - is realize your 'sacrifice' and be ok with it. If you can be happy in your alone time - especially on this day - people will come to realize you have an inner strength that is to be admired - and you will not know which invitation to accept!
Godspeed. Your time will come.
nelau9 12-11-2009 @ 12:25AM
This is a reply to all. Wh is that there are certin days of the ear that just have to have family. There are 365 days of the ear and people should be greatful for each and everyone they have with their loved ones. Yes the holidays get harder but it isnt the end of the world. I am divorced 17 years. Every year my kids go to their dads every holiday. He has family I do not. I want my kids to have what I never did. Family. I grew up in foster homes. some good some bad. But none my family. I can not tell you that growing up that way, not comming from anywhere,not going anywhere,not belonging to anybody is not a way I ever want my children to feel. If that takes them going to be where family is then that is what it takes. My life did not start till they came along and I consider myself blessed each and every day, all 365 days that I have them to love and be my family. That doesnt stop just because its a holiday and they are not here. I know they will be back always. I have tried the going to someone elses house on a holiday but after a few of those pathetic we feel sorry you invites. I stopped doing them. I spend my day alone with my chioldren in my heart. I do the things I very seldom get the chance to do. Be relaxed, take it easy, What I will not do is sit back and feel sorry for my self because they are not here. I am happy the have so many people in their lifes that want them and that love them. They have what I never did, What I never will. There are so many children in this world that are in my shoes or worse. If you need to do something do something for them, make a difference. Dont turn into just another bitter divorced ex that bitches how things arent perfect. Life is not 50 50. Let go of what you cnat controll appreciate what you have. Life is to precious to waste of self pitty. Trust me I know.
kathy 12-11-2009 @ 1:41AM
Just because you don't have an extended family . it does not mean that you can't spend that time with your children. YOU are their family too!! and I am sure they would love spending the holiday with you .
It sounds like your x got the best of you and is very controlling and manipualtive. Don't deprive yourself or your children of that joy.
Your children are your treasures and you are THEIRS. What better way to show them your love by being with them -- even if it is just you and them -- or maybe with some friends,
Your story made me feel sad. for you . I hope you can give yourself the gift of being with them on the next Christmas.
Katy 12-11-2009 @ 4:59AM
I think your attitude is great. It's all about the kids. I have fortunately never had to be without my son at the holidays, but when I was in California, a continent away from extended family, we volunteered at soup kitchens during the holidays. Feeling the sense of community was great.
Stephanie 12-10-2009 @ 5:32PM
What about those of us who are infertile......totally sucks too.
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Art 12-10-2009 @ 8:18PM
Here, let me show you the drawer full of T-shirts with “been there, done that” embroidered on the front. While it’s painful to have your children away from you during the holidays, there are always those who have even greater cause for anguish. My two children were in their mid and late teens when my marriage disintegrated. The court gave them the discretion as to who they would live with, and even though I had joint custody they refused to visit or speak to me. It knocked me flat; they were my purpose in life. It took me over a year and medication to get back on my feet again, but I did finally realize that if I didn’t I would be in no shape to be their father again if they ever decided to reconcile with me. Consider the parents who have had their children disappear or be murdered; at least mine are still alive and there is a chance for reconciliation. The game isn’t over until one of us dies, and I’ll always be the only father they will ever have. If you’re without your children for just one holiday, count your blessings. If it’s depressing you, my admonition to you is do whatever you need to; take care of yourself so that you can be ready when they need you. If children didn’t need parents, it wouldn’t require parents to make them.
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Jean 12-10-2009 @ 10:52PM
To Art,
Yes, count your blessings. I do every day. Although my children's father and I made some wrong choices, (and sadly our children suffered), they are still with us and have flourished. I cherish every opportunity to talk with them, see how they are doing, encourage them, grieve with them, and delight in their joys - just as I always tried to do. But, when there is discord between mom & pop, well its hard to do. That is why I don't regret my divorce, and I know he has the same freedom I do - to love our children unconditionally as he knows how. As for the comments someone left about 'don't get divorced' my response is, if you consider the children first, and you pray - God will let you know when it is time to be released. I waited, and I know now (in retrospect) my children are better for it. They love their father, and I know their hope is that I will find the love I need. But, they are also not willing to let their own dreams die. One is already an attorney and I suspect the other is going to bless me with many grandchildren. And, just to let you know (cynics) I did get married young (18), and I did pray before I got married. As I did before I divorced. God's timing is perfect and patience IS a virtue!
irena61 12-10-2009 @ 8:31PM
And there are us single parents of surly, bitter children who also miss the Christmases of days gone by...
Hey--We all bought into the whole picture-perfect-holiday thing, so no wonder we're all disappointed. When I stopped viewing X-mas as some kind of family-filled, wonderous event, I didn't get so depressed. It takes a while to lower your expectations, but once you're there, you wonder why you spent so much time stressing about it.
Hang in there, everyone. It's over in a day and a half.
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Anne 12-10-2009 @ 8:31PM
I have been divorced from my ex for 9 years and our daughter was 4 at the time....it was not an amicable divorce by any means, but we did make one decision that together at that time that was necessary...neither one of us ever wanted to be without her for Christmas...so we split the holiday. Each year we switch, but one of us gets her for Christmas Eve and then the next morning at 10am we do the switch...that way we both have Christmas morning to a point...she is now 14 and looks forward to another year of seeing ALL the family on both sides and "double the presents"...lol...that has always been her favorite part.
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Black N Gold Woman 12-10-2009 @ 11:56PM
Good for you Anne ! My ex and I did that too, 10 years ago. My kids are 21 and 25 now but I remember very well those years of waking up and NOT having them here. I would offer to work those mornings (I'm a nurse) so others could be home. Kept me from dwelling on things and my elderly patients were a blessing to me those times too. Made me very thankful ! I came to realize something very important too. Christmas is ONE DAY and I have 364 more to show my children how much I love them. I've learned to focus on the true meaning of Christmas. I know it sounds very cliche' but it's true. Remember it's about the love God showed all of us and not who bought who what, who spent more, who got the kids "first" that day. Happy Holidays, God bless !
anne 12-10-2009 @ 8:37PM
How about... don't get a divorce you idiots...???
or even better- if you werent ready, and if it was not the right person- why did you get married? for christ sakes- getting married and having kids is no joke, lust wears off, even interest wanes- be friends first and foremost and learn to live with someone before you get married and bring new people into the world that look up to you!
-and... if you're divorced- its your own damn fault-so stop whining about it
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Shannon 12-10-2009 @ 9:47PM
You act like everyone who gets a divorce wants one! You can thank Ronald Reagan for the whole "no-fault" divorce junk. My ex decided after 20 years of marriage and two amazing children that he wanted to marry his office assistant...what killed me is that he didn't want the kids, except every other weekend. He moved out on Thanksgiving Day, handed me divorce papers on our son's birthday, then announced he was getting engaged on Valentine's Day by leaving us a message on the voice recorder. Our kids were 10 and 14 at the time and he worked hard to distroy every happy memory or holiday of our time together to justify leaving us.
Yet if he had asked for forgiveness I would have given it, but I could not give him permission to behave the way he did.
Now of course, he regrets it....his wife died from cancer this last summer; he thought he was safe from tragedy or pain by having a much younger wife. Not only did he loose his wife, but the respect and deep love of his children...now he really is alone.
Jane 12-10-2009 @ 9:52PM
What an ignoramous you are. You have no knowlege about this subject, are judgmental, and I must say just plain dumb. Insensitive too. Why don't you just shut up?
Patrick 12-10-2009 @ 10:14PM
Just guessing but I take it you've never been married. Taking that for granted I can say you've never been cheated on by your wife/husband...even if you knew them for years before getting married. I can guess you don't have children that you want nothing more than for them to be happy. I can guess that you don't have to make the decision where they are to spend the holidays and hope that's where they want to be also. I can guess you have no clue what it feels like to be alone on Christmas when you used to have your own family that you started surrounding you. I can guess that you can accurately predict the future. I can guess you have no clue how it feels to be in our shoes.
You are an ignorant, umempathizing moron. That is not a guess.
Simon 12-10-2009 @ 10:33PM
Anne,
Perhaps this is an issue you can research a bit more in order to better understand it. In this country, it is fully possible to be divorced without giving consent or permission. One must consent to be married, not to be divorced. With the "no fault" status, one person can petition for divorce, and there isn't a court in this land that will deny the petition and order the marriage be sustained. Divorce is not a choice for some, it is what the court orders for them over their objections. Please educate yourself and pass along what you learn to others who are also misinformed on this matter.
Black N Gold Woman 12-10-2009 @ 11:58PM
anne, so glad you have the answers to everything ... or at least you think you do. Divorces are a very personal matter and not one to categorize with your big paint brush. I got divorced 10 years ago from a man who was verbally abusive, addicted to prescription narcotics, and was emotionally distant. He didn't start out that way and didn't think he had a problem. I was told "If you don't like it, divorce me ! " Well I took him up on it and I've never looked back ! Nobody gets married thinking that if it doesn't work out I can always get divorced. Wise up !
Sue Marten 12-10-2009 @ 10:54PM
You're saying why get divorces? Divorces happen for many reasons -- including alcoholism (not always predictable), infidelity (who can predict that?), or as in my case, two people who grew in different directions. My divorce was amicable, and my ex and I agreed that our two daughters, who were 14 and 17 at the time, would be able to celebrate Christmas with both of us. Since his extended family gathers on Christmas Eve, the girls were with him and his family until about noon on Christmas Day, when they came to visit me. The timing is not as important as the sharing. Cooperation and flexibility go a long way.
someone 12-10-2009 @ 11:05PM
I am trying my best not to scream at you!!! I never wanted a Divorce and NEVER thought I would ever be in this position!! But it Takes TWO people to make a marraige and You better be thanking GOD above that the one who loves you isn't as single mined as you are!!! If one person chooses to leave a marriage you can't make them stay!!! Just know it is not always someones choice to be Divorced!! There are two people involved and if one quits, do you blame the other person???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????