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Kidless During The Holidays
Filed under: Single Parenting, Opinions
Tom Henderson, single dad, trying to figure it out
I'm not normally one to latch on to Scrooge-style philosophizing, but this time of year, I'm easily mistaken for his grumpy twin when those sickeningly sweet TV commercials emerge, showing happy families gathering around the fireplace.
As a card-carrying members of the divorced-with-shared-custody club, we are perfectly nice people who have to do things like my friend Mike just did. He spent part of last week dividing up the Christmas ornaments with his estranged spouse.
"It was congenial, but not tender," he says.
He misses the old days when Christmas morning was a magical thing reflected in the eyes of his children. So do I. We lived those TV commercials. Now, holiday depression is an angry little dog constantly nipping at my heels this time of year. Most of the time, I can out run it. Other times, it overtakes me and gnaws out my innards.
I have spent the last two Christmas mornings without my kids. The first one was the worst. I tried to make myself useful outdoors, but the only other person on the street was a knife-wielding lunatic threatening to gut me. True story.
It was really sad when the police came and got him. I was all alone again.
Christmas these past few years has not been something to celebrate, rather something to endure. But you know what? That's OK. Too many people try to force themselves to be jolly. Depression, especially during the holidays, is viewed as some of sin in our society. We feel we must medicate, meditate or talk our way out of it. Fact is, when life sucks, depression is just good thinking. Life isn't always going to happy and sparkly. And when it's not, it's OK to admit that you can't get around it. Only through it.
"It's difficult for parents to be without children at the holidays -- flat-out difficult and painful," says family therapist Susan Stiffelman, AdviceMama for ParentDish. "When it's the 'other' parents' time turn to have the children, there can be the added sadness at the sense of loss of the family that used to be intact."
Figure out a way to be with other people, Stiffelman says. "Don't hesitate to ask for an invitation from family or friends for gatherings," she says. "People may not know you're free, so don't wait to be asked."
Good advice. I dealt with holidays when I was single in my 20s by playing Santa Claus every year. It got me involved in something beyond myself. The important thing is not to stay cooped up in your private version of the North Pole, watching those horrid commercials.
That's how Scrooges are made. Takes one to know one. And you don't want to be one.
Are you with me, single parents? Are those of you with kids elsewhere getting out of the house on Christmas Day?
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 4)
12-10-2009 @ 11:13PM
Dave said...Man what a heartless b**ch! You sound so ignorant, My wife and I were absolutely best friends when we started out. Then we fell in love, got married waited a couple of years, and decided we wanted to have children so, we did. Now 5yrs after having our first child we are facing a devorce. We have both been faithful, and honest with each other. We didn't marry young, we were each 25, lived together for 18 months before we married, and 7 years and 2 children in to it we have really grown apart, mainly her from me but, that is beside the point. I never wanted this, having come from devorced parents it was very important to me that my children grow up in a home with both parents. GUESS WHAT PRINCESS PEOPLE CHANGE!!!!! Walk a fu**in mile in my shoes before you start bashing me. This will likely be our last christmas together, and it tears me apart to think about this. Life isn't always a Norman Rockwell painting. Be thankful that yours obviously is. And by the way your husband is/has probably messed around on you haha! Its always the "holier than thou" types with the most skeletons in the closet!
12-10-2009 @ 11:23PM
Dave said...Damn it I am an idiot! I misspelled divorce multiple times in my post. Maybe thats why she wants to leave. Oh well, your husband is still bangin' the hot 25 yr old at the office! I hope he gives you herpes!
12-10-2009 @ 11:48PM
Pax said...You know, anne, not only was your post rude, unkind and thoughtless it was also patently incorrect. People change and many people would have been happy to stay married but their spouse left them.
Personally, I feel sad for your family. You're a heartless shrew with no compassion, understanding, or loving feeling for your fellow human beings.
12-11-2009 @ 12:37AM
kirk said...You shoud not comment on what you don't know or have the facts on. Some times it is best for the kids if the parents do get divorced.
12-13-2009 @ 12:41PM
zoraya said...dear friend when i met my ex was perfect and then he cheat on me with my2 child,, we divorced me back to spain and he stay in idaho i try a lot of time so he spend the time with our kids he so stupid and looser, what should i do? and you dear friend dont know nothing about marriage or bieng single with 2 kids age 5-7.. and take care of them in my own,without no help..so you wrong dear friend
3-19-2010 @ 10:29PM
j.jacobs said...Anne--
I wish you could have a window into my heart for just a few minutes--you would see the lasting pain and hurt from my divorce, the horrible guilt and regret, and the feeling that I failed the people I love. Perhaps then you wouldn't be so cynical. I did everything possible to hold my marriage and family together--she filed the papers. Please don't judge unfairly. Divorce is a tragedy--nothing less. As unfortunate as it is, sometimes it's the lesser of two evils.
kidcob
12-10-2009 @ 8:44PM
Joep0455 said...I have a few years of this now, and once or twice have spent the Holidays with my ex and her family but it just never ever feels the same. Somehow, I disagree with the author I find nothing good in getting myself invited to "other" families Christmas. As well intended as your extended family or friends may be it just never feels right of the same and instead makes you miss your own child more. My solution try spliting time with your Children, for example Christmas Eve with you and Christmas day with your EX.
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12-10-2009 @ 8:48PM
The Planner said...My ex ruined every holiday for 6 years. she was a self sabotaging fool who thought sleeping with married men was a good thing.
Divorced 6 months now.......... she has no job, no house, no self respect a married boyfriend who abuses her, a 1 bedroom apartment for 4 people, a dog that poops on the rug. Me .....i have my daughter i have the house i have my job, what i pay my ex in support is more than enough for the peace of mind that it brings knowing my daughter will wake up to Daddy on christmas morning.
Merry Christmas Biotch
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12-10-2009 @ 10:15PM
Steve said...Planner-sometimes living well is the best revenge. Karma is a funny thing. Have a Merry Christmas with your daughter.
Maybe you should look up Chonggothic3 from above?
12-10-2009 @ 9:10PM
Dadless Holiday said...I just thought i would throw this out there...
I am a child of divorced parents, im 16 and I have spent Christmas with my dad every year since i can remember, thats how i like it. I have always been allowed to choose where I got to spend the holidays, that is untill this year when my mom bombshelled me saying i was to spend it with her. That ripped my heart out and if i wasnt so mature...probably would have ruined my Christmas. My mom is remarried and has three other kids, my dad is still single and the only one of his brothers and sisters without anyone BUT me. If your divorced, please let your kids choose where to go. And dont make them feel guilty, how about you spend a Christmas in our shoes and dont be hurt with out decision.
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12-11-2009 @ 12:00AM
anonymous said...I'm sixteen too, and my parents got divorced in July. They were separated a while ago, so I have also dealt with the whole "you have to do this and spend time with that person for Christmas". Of course, it was the lawyers who decided this, and I really think it should be left up to the kids to go where they want to go. There may be a very good reason that they like the other parent better; my dad doesn't seem to want a lot to do with me, and I feel like a burden every time I am around him. "Dadless Holiday", I hope that your Christmas turns out okay. Hang in there, and hopefully next Christmas will be better for you. Merry Christmas!
12-10-2009 @ 9:38PM
tiklwhskr said...You sound very sweet, mature, and thoughtful. Adults should listen to kids more... Just because we've already "been there" doesn't mean we get it.
12-10-2009 @ 9:42PM
Hey Kris!! said...Well I'm not divorced, but am no longer with my childrens' father. We have been split for 9 years. I have full custody, but I would never take my kids from their other family. This is how we do the holidays, Christmas Eve with dad's family until 9 when I pick them up. We go look at lights and get hot chocolate. They come home with me, we wake in the morning, open our presents. Around 10 we go back to grandma's (dad's mom) house to open their presents there and eat breakfast. Around 1 we go see my family. I believe all parents should think of the everyone else and not themselves, to everyone without their kids this Christmas Im so sorry. I know I wouldn't want to spend the holidays without my kids so i wouldn't expect their dad or his family to. And yes it like this on all holidays, I spend more time driving to and from, dropping and picking up, but i wouldn't change a thing. Its what makes my kids happy.
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12-10-2009 @ 9:34PM
Allison said...My kids spend the 23rd with my ex-husband. They act as if it is Christmas eve. And they spend the entire day with him on the 24th. Santa was sent a letter when they were very little and he said he would make a special trip just for them. They come to my house in the afternoon of the 24th (he then goes to extended family or girlfriends) and we have Christmas eve and Santa comes again. We have been divorced for 15 years but Christmas is for the kids. The first year he had the kids and I was to pick them up at 9am. When I got there to get them. They were having so much fun playing it was hard to get them to leave. When they went back to his house the next week end everything was cleaned up. It just didn't work for us. This is something we came up with not the court. Our children did not choose for us divorce and every decision is about what is best for them. We do not fight and we back each other up. My kids do not feel they have to choose between us. Kids should never have to choose
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12-10-2009 @ 10:14PM
sequin22 said...The divorce plague that has fragmented American families has got to stop. The article should address how miserable it is for a child to have divorced parents-especially around the holidays.
Its time for America to grow up, and take responsibility for your marriage and your children. Too many generations have been in therapy because of divorce.
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12-10-2009 @ 10:33PM
Steve said...Sequin, I appreciate your sentiments, to a degree. My parents divorced when I was seven. You want to know the truth? It was almost a relief when they divorced. All they did when they were together was fight. I can honestly say that I do not have a single happy memory of my parents when they were together.
You know what? I learned from my parents mistakes. I chose a great woman. We have been married for 25 years and have two great kids who are now 22 and 18, as well as a young grandson. My parents miserable marriage gave me the resolve to give my kids a calmer, more stress-free childhood.
I have to say that in spite of my parents divorce, I always had a great time at Christmas. Both my mom's side of the family(Christmas day) and my dad's side of the family(Christmas eve) gave me plenty of good memories.
Tom, there are nice women out there. I am a nurse, and there are a ton of available, NICE women available. Come to Minneapolis and I can introduce you to some of them.
12-10-2009 @ 10:29PM
Ann said...My husband and I have been married over 20 years and even though there are times I wanted to take off and divorce seemed like a good idea we stuck it out and we are making a happy (not perfect) life together. We are enjoying watching our children become adults and we are living through all these changes together as a whole family. Too many people divorce for stupid reasons. Unless your spouse is a total pervert and is a serial cheater or is abusive stick it out and enjoy the holidays together. Your children are not pawns. They deserve a happy childhood with both their parents in one home. Grow up!
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12-10-2009 @ 10:35PM
malinda said...I loved Christmas with both my parents, my dad filmed the whole thing and we blasted christmas music and drank hot cocoa, my cristmas memories are my strongest most vivid memories, i can remember being 3 years old openeing presents and listening to music. My parents divorced when i was 13, although that was only 15 years ago, i can't remember the next 6 christmas's following the divorce.
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12-10-2009 @ 11:31PM
Jean said...Malinda,
If it means anything to you... stress invokes hormonal responses. It is known as the fight or flight response that can effect memory. I have no doubt your mom (or dad) have poor memories during this time either. Know that at 13, my memories (after my dad's death when I was 13) are still very scattered. You will get through this and live a very happy and produtive life.
12-10-2009 @ 11:15PM
Sal said...Happy Holidays fellow loners
Ive been divorced since 2005 and it doesnt get easier. To make matters worse my parents are deceased and im not particularly close to my siblings.Plus my siblings do their own thing. Throughout the course of my marriage we spent Christmas eve with her family and Christmas day with mine.After my Mothers death in 1989 that stopped. My ex wife is in a relationship for about seven years now and They spend the holidays with both families. There is neither room nor time for me.I would normally spend Christmas eve working and then going to Church. Christmas day is spent literally in bed. Sure i get invites but most are from friends with children(which depresses me even more so) To make matters worse this year i lost my job a month ago. So my kids wont be receiving gifts from me. So I will do what i have done the past four Christmases call the kids after midnight tell them I love them wish them Merry Christmas and cry myself to sleep
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