Kidless During The Holidays

I will be commiting suicide this Christmas, I was told by 2 people to just do it and that everyone would be better off, 1 of them was a social worker at the welfare office in Pomona, Ca, back in like March or April, So now comes the time as she said for me to do it, Ive been hospitalized 3 times in 14 months twice for 5 days and once for 11 days when the blood clots broke off and went to my lungs, I have a string of medical conditions, I cant stand for more than a hour, my legs, bones and body hurt so bad anymore and I just cannot stand the pain and I cannot even get any help whats so ever for the medications i need, I filed for my SSI and the stupid moron attorney I got filed my appeal for SSDi, never filed my SSi and ssdi turned me down, Dont see how but they did and that pretty much has ended my life, Im not going back to the hospital no more, They treat me like a piece of chit, I am tired of fighting anymore, Divorced early 2008, my ex mother in law has totally talked my ex wife of leeting my 14 year old daughter even call me, never 1 time has she called me, Ex turned over my Son who has autism to the state custody right after the divorce with out even asking me if i wanted to care for him, I coulda got my medical and cash to help me out but they are really nutso, I worked hard my whole life when I was able and took care of so many, but now the shoes on the other foot I just got F'd, I will take my life either by walking in front of a train or big rig on the freeway, I dont want no pain I just want it to be quick and painless, Someone tell my daughter Lisa that I love her very much and I wish I had money or transport to travel 1/2 way across the US to see her, There wasnt nothing i could do since her mother lied and said I had a job and they took my D.L. then my Van even tho I was on welfare since 2 years be4 the divorce, but I guess all any wemen want to do is FU*K the fathers, Had no money to get back, Mother Mary came to me and spoke these words of wisdom just LET IT BE, LET IT BE

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As a son of divorced parents, I have no sympathy for parents who are sad they no longer get to experience the perfect, jolly, family filled holidays. At some point in your life you made a choice to get married, then have kids, then probably do something like cheat on your wife, and then the only way to fix it was divorce. It may sound bitter, but it's your fault.

The simple way around this is marry and have children out of love and then don't screw it up because you can't handle being tied down to one woman and your family.

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This is the worst time of the year when you are hurting. Just know that you are loved and that this too shall pass.

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Why haven't any of you thougt about having Christmas day on another day either earlier or later and starting new traditions for the 25th instead of moping around and feeling so sorry for yourself? As long as one of you are alive, your children will pick their favorite and choose to be with them over any holiday--move on folks. Get a life, if you chose to divorce or not it is done, over and gone past, pick up the pieces and go forward.

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Life isn't always fair. There are some things we can't change (like our exes), control, or even predict our future...for the sake of our children. The sun shines & rain rains on both the just & unjust. Tragedy, sickness, divorce..i could go on & on do happen. When I went thru my divorce 16 yrs ago I can honestly say it was one of the most difficult thing I'd ever experience, I filed for it after 15 yrs of marriage,for the sake of my three kids who were then 13, 10 & 20 months old. It almost like a death..grieving over something that you once had, then grieving on something that will never be to grieving over what it could have been and letting go. Because in spite of the pain God knows the beginning and the end..we just have to know He gives us peace when we need it the most, sends us friends to help along the way and in due time heals our hearts.

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Omigod get a grip people, every person divorced goes through it. Yes the holidays make it more difficult, but as someone else pointed out, there are over 340 other days in the year that AREN'T holidays. I get my kids on Christmas Eve, my ex on Christmas Day. Doesn't bother me, I get to spend the day with other friends and family. We alternate Thanksgiving and Easter. I get the kids all day on my birthday, he gets 'em on his birthday. We have big family birthdays for each kid so we can both be there. Just be civil to your ex spouse so the kids don't feel put out by it all, or pulled in different directions.

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To Shannon:

Good for you. What goes around does come around. Maybe our ex's were related or something, my ex did almost exactly the same thing. Maybe they read the same book. My children 14 and 16 at the time and didnt speak to him for close to a year. They have never met or spoken to his mistress whom he lives with, probably never will. She left her two son's with their father, she is in the same boat with her two sons. My ex has to have a second home so when my kids do visit now, she is not in the around. How sad is that? Do I feel sorry for all the jerks (male or female) that walked out on their families that they are childless on Christmas, Hell NO I dont.

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the truth is divorse laws in our country need to be changed,the man is always screwed and gets to see the kids much less then agreed in court i was to get them every other weekend and two weeks in summer but so many many times i went to pick them up i would get not this week end we are going away or they not feeling well or they were not there more times then i can remember i never got to see them or get them for the weekend they courts always favor the women and the man gets the royal screwing and the wife starts the brain washing of the kids ask any man he will tell you the same thing i am

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I have been going thru the holiday "alones" since 1989. I have 3 children 21,23, and 25. The PAIN never gets any better no matter if I am " hidding with the blinds drawn" or hosting a small get-together with like-minded divorced Dads.
Life has not been fair to us.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone, may God bless.

Greg Y.

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To Tom Henderson...You should've thought of that before.

Don't know your situation or circumstances...so if it's unfair of me to generalize, I apologize. However, it is YOUR "poor pitiful me" lonely Christmas blog that has made me sick.... even if you truly are blameless.

So many men in your situation sit around and whine and never take responsibility for their own fault...whether big or small... in the resulted circumstances. Your pride genetically requires you to feel like a victim, else you would have to take a self admitted blow to your own ego.

What it doesn't seem like you realize is that "blow" and self acknowledgement of responsibility is exactly what it takes to get to a point where you can heal, and thus grow. Maybe your only repsonsibility IS just that you made a bad, unthought out decision when you married. Or it could be way worse like "Black and Golds" spouse above. ( Something tells me her ex whines to others too and blames her as he tries to keep his ego intact and still fill his innate need to be in "CONTROL".)

Get over yourself.
Growing would mean looking beyond feeling sorry for yourself, looking outside of your "depression" and learning to put others ahead of how bad you feel you've got it. No matter what anyone's story is, there is always someone who has got it worse. Would it be so hard this Christmas season to crawl out of yourself and GIVE something of yourself to others? To listen, instead of feeling the need to be heard? Maybe if you had learned to look beyond yourself during your marriage, your family might still be together.

I truly hope you are able to figure out what Christmas is supposed to be about... and guess what? It's not you.

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My step-daughter is 22 this year and it will be the 1st Christmas in 21 years that she has spent with her father. His ex refused to allow her to spend a single Christmas with us. She would spend a couple of days prior to Christmas with us at his mothers house and we always enjoyed the time and never let her know how badly it hurt us to not see her on Christmas day. If you haven't been there don't tell those of us that have that there are 364 other days and that one day doesn't matter. It does matter and there or only about 60 - 70 days if you are the every other weekend and a couple weeks in the summer parent. But now she's grown and guess where she's spending this Christmas? With us! And she's not even speaking to her mother. She has seen what her mother is. She has a new phone number and address which her mother doesn't have. It breaks my heart that she has to go through this. It was her mother that did it but her and her sisters are the victims. I am glad that we get the day with her and her baby brother is beyond excited that she will be here, but I never wanted her hurt.

The ones out there that are not allowed the holidays, hang in there. The ones that are not allowing the kids to have both parents, look out it may come back and bite you in the a@@ just like it did my husband's ex!

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If you are grown up enough to decide to divorce, then you are grown up enough to face the consequences of that decision.

If it is so distressing for you to be alone at the holidays, then perhaps you would do well to consider just what that means to your children, as well.

They, too, have memories of family together. They, too, will be stressed by moving between households on a holiday that stresses family togetherness. They, too, will mourn the loss. If the divorce is less than amicable, they will be transported between enemy camps and have to listen to parental diatribes against the other parent. Or, worse, grandparental gripes aired over past grievances.

Think more of them, and less of yourself. And, should you find yourself alone at the holiday, find something to do...go to a geriatric facility and spend some time with the elderly whose families have forgotten them. Serve meals at a homeless shelter. Create NEW family traditions and prepare for them. Celebrate Christmas with your children in the manner of a different culture. The Dutch celebrate Saint Nicholas Day Dec. 5/6. Dec. 13 is Saint Lucy's day in Sweden. Celebrate Greek Orthodox Christmas a few days later. Celebrate Epiphany instead (after all, the manifestation of Christ to the world is the origin of gift giving, anyway, as the Magi presented gifts to the infant Jesus on that day). You will benefit from the new focus and your children will be delighted with the extended celebrations.

Quit whining. You aren't the first, and you won't be the last, to find yourself childless during the Christian holidays. Consider it good practice for the time when your fledglings leave you with an empty nest.

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I was married for 20 years. My ex cheated on me, tried to kill me to avoid the stigma of divorce, then married the cheatee six months later. He ,by choice, has not seen his children in 3 years, hasnt left a forwarding number in case of emergency, pays nothing, and has no contact with his family. By choice.Yes I have my children every holiday, a close loving relationship with them, but NOTHING will replace the missing feeling of being a family. I grieve every event he misses, every holiday. I loved him unconditionally.I wish that my children did spend every other one with him because children need 2 parents.So my children are missing out, ex is missing out over stupid crap thats in the past. If current wife dies he has nothing. By choice, needlessly.I will never understand how a parent can walk away.Divorce does not have to divide families. If 2 parents love their children they can make anything work if they place the childrens feelings first instead of playing power trip games.I like the holidays but also hate them because I'm reminded of the loss of a person I loved, a father at the time, of my grandchild not knowing her Grandpa,of a million different things that occur in a family relationship. For people who say that time heals, not always. Without resolution the pain remains. Its been 7 yrs and I hurt for all of us.Thats what lack of communication does to people. So wasteful for all involved.Love your children, love the people in your lives, and show it by doing the right things, no matter how difficult.

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My ex and I Have shared parenting with our 17 yr old daugther. One week with me and the next with her. back and forth. we live with in 2 miles of each other and always made it a point that holidays are split with both.It has been this way for 14 years now. Our daugther has always been asked by outsiders "isn't that hard for you to deal with? one week your Dads then the next your Moms?" Her response is no and she wouldn't have it any other way. Who's ever week Christmas falls on is the one who has her in the morning, then at 1 or 2 pm that day she is with the other family. Adults who get divorced always seem to forget that it is about the kids and not them selves. They end up fighting and putting the kids in the middle. Then nobody wins.Our 17 sees to it that she is with both families as much as possible. It is what she wants that is what matters.

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I don't see what the problem is. My children have extended family, and and in order to avoid conflict and hurt feelings, I just move my celebration with them to a day sometime AFTER Christmas day. (usually, the week between Christmas and New Years, but if I had to move it up further I would.) I try to keep the excitement the day before OUR celebration, just as positive, with decorations, same foods, Christmas music, etc. There are actually benefits to this. You get the after Christmas sales, get GREAT discounts, and pay less for your gifts, wrapping paper, everything! AND, when your children get older, grow up, get girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, & wives, they're going to have to split up their time with others anyway. This takes the stress of them having to be everywhere in one day, or worse alternating years with family members, and leaving others hurt and lonely. My children love that their holidays last LONGER than most others, and I'm guaranteed that they never feel stressed or guilty about not being with me, but enjoy their time with me, and their other family members. Sometimes if I'm alone, I play secret Santa to one family each year on Christmas day when my children are away. It's my little private celebration. Anonymously, bringing dinner, and/or toys to a family, or single mother who can't provide for their own children, is a great way to lift your spirits. Your local charities usually can tell you how to contribute in some way. Any small toy will lift a child's spirit. Give a blanket to a homeless person, a cup of hot soup..anything. The phrase Season Greetings, reminds me it's a season not just a particular day. Remember, thoughts precede our feelings. Change your thoughts to positive ones, and feelings usually follow.

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When the nuclear family suddenly finds one missing at Christmas time whether it be a parent or child either by divorce or some tragedy-- nothing can be more depressing. I would love to see our churches offer an event for the ones alone on Christmas Day-- It would be a great cause-- good therapy for one who has gone through some very dark hours. We have a lot of volunteers at the Gateway Mission for homeless [ great cause], but those alone on Christmas day suffer a real loss when the family they once had is no more. I think we should know these people and invite them to join in for the Christmas tree and dinner that you are having-- I know of 3 who will not be with their family and they are invited to ours.

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