Why I Only Date Single Moms
Filed under: Opinions
When a woman takes off her clothes in your apartment and says she feels hot all over, I recall that's one of those subtle indications she wants you. Or a cold beverage.
I chose door number one and thank God, I was right. But I was a little rusty at this sort of thing. I was married for 15 years before suddenly finding myself middle-aged and single. This was my first shot at what my son calls "doin' it" in the 10 months following my separation and divorce. A lot of thoughts race through a man's mind at a moment like this. Mine were mostly on the babysitter. Not that way. But in the parent-guilt way. I could almost telepathically feel the sitter growing angrier and angrier as I was missing my promised time of being home by 11. But she could spare another 15 minutes, can't she? Surely I could wrap everything up by then.I tried to explain my childcare dilemma to my date, but she took insult that I would let "something so trivial," as she called it, rain on our barbecue.
Trivial? This woman obviously never came face-to-face with a babysitter who herself, has a life.
This is why I now stick to dating only other single parents. They get it. They understand why I don't spend money on travel to exotic reaches of the planet. Why my spending money is heavily invested in Thomas the Tank Engine DVDs and chicken nuggets. Why I can't go out to dinner on a school night and why -- if I do -- I doze off in the artichoke dip around 9:15.
We parents know that babysitter time is sacred. Thou shalt not trifle with it.
I once broke a date with a woman who lives three hours away. She went to considerable lengths to arrange a babysitter. So I called the restaurant and left a $60 gift certificate for her on my Visa. That way, even though I couldn't have dinner with her, she could enjoy a nice night out with someone while not wasting the babysitter.
That's because parents are parents before they are anything else. Of course, you can take that concept too far. A woman once told me she would date me, but, ever-so discreetly, added that her boy might not approve of his mom dating a lowly writer. Whatever this kid's problem was, it probably has a long name in Latin.
My son and I have an understanding. While I'm dating, he can feel free to comment and I will take his opinions under advisement. If I decide to remarry, then we'll have a serious sit-down discussion and I will carefully consider any objections. But unless my fiancé has tried to slice him up and serve him as paté, I will gently express my sincerest sympathy for how much it sucks to be him. In return, he can tell me to get stuffed in a few years when I ask him about his dates.
I am a grown man, closer to the senior discount at Denny's, than I am to the day I got to vote for the first time. I refuse -- refuse -- to let a child manage my sex life. But an irate babysitter paid by the hour? That's whole other can of beer.
This is why I only date single moms. They know sex is great, but it's not worth trying to find a new babysitter.
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