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Why I Only Date Single Moms
Filed under: Opinions
Our columnist got an earful from his date when he had to leave because of parental obligations. Credit: Getty Images
When a woman takes off her clothes in your apartment and says she feels hot all over, I recall that's one of those subtle indications she wants you. Or a cold beverage.
I chose door number one and thank God, I was right. But I was a little rusty at this sort of thing. I was married for 15 years before suddenly finding myself middle-aged and single. This was my first shot at what my son calls "doin' it" in the 10 months following my separation and divorce. A lot of thoughts race through a man's mind at a moment like this. Mine were mostly on the babysitter. Not that way. But in the parent-guilt way. I could almost telepathically feel the sitter growing angrier and angrier as I was missing my promised time of being home by 11. But she could spare another 15 minutes, can't she? Surely I could wrap everything up by then.I tried to explain my childcare dilemma to my date, but she took insult that I would let "something so trivial," as she called it, rain on our barbecue.
Trivial? This woman obviously never came face-to-face with a babysitter who herself, has a life.
This is why I now stick to dating only other single parents. They get it. They understand why I don't spend money on travel to exotic reaches of the planet. Why my spending money is heavily invested in Thomas the Tank Engine DVDs and chicken nuggets. Why I can't go out to dinner on a school night and why -- if I do -- I doze off in the artichoke dip around 9:15.
We parents know that babysitter time is sacred. Thou shalt not trifle with it.
I once broke a date with a woman who lives three hours away. She went to considerable lengths to arrange a babysitter. So I called the restaurant and left a $60 gift certificate for her on my Visa. That way, even though I couldn't have dinner with her, she could enjoy a nice night out with someone while not wasting the babysitter.
Parents understand.
That's because parents are parents before they are anything else. Of course, you can take that concept too far. A woman once told me she would date me, but, ever-so discreetly, added that her boy might not approve of his mom dating a lowly writer. Whatever this kid's problem was, it probably has a long name in Latin.
My son and I have an understanding. While I'm dating, he can feel free to comment and I will take his opinions under advisement. If I decide to remarry, then we'll have a serious sit-down discussion and I will carefully consider any objections. But unless my fiancé has tried to slice him up and serve him as paté, I will gently express my sincerest sympathy for how much it sucks to be him. In return, he can tell me to get stuffed in a few years when I ask him about his dates.
I am a grown man, closer to the senior discount at Denny's, than I am to the day I got to vote for the first time. I refuse -- refuse -- to let a child manage my sex life. But an irate babysitter paid by the hour? That's whole other can of beer.
This is why I only date single moms. They know sex is great, but it's not worth trying to find a new babysitter.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
2-20-2010 @ 1:33PM
Karen said...By the way even though I am strongly defending single woman, I am an unmarried mom of one with another on the way. The guy who wrote the article should avoid dating mindless and selfish twits. Being a mom is irrelevent. In fact many childless, female pet owners that I know are the most caring and giving friends one could ever want, and as an added bonus do not mind dealing with messes and the craziness that pets and kids often create.
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4-15-2010 @ 9:41PM
interscope2000 said...I don't think the woman everyone is ripping on it totally wrong. If you don't have kids, and are living a drama free life, it is probably odd to happily walk into one. If you were a grown adult when you had kids, remember how carefree your life was before children. Some people wait to have kids, some don't. But being nasty about those that want to be with someone without obligations is dense.
2-13-2010 @ 4:01PM
David S. said...Sounds to me like this guy is just out to get laid...nothing wrong with that. Most guys are. But please, "I only date single Moms?" Dude, who do you think you are fooling with that?
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2-13-2010 @ 4:16PM
rcwezitis said...Mr. Henderson, Do you mean that you "only date single moms" or you "date only single moms." As a writer you know that there is a difference.
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2-13-2010 @ 5:13PM
patty said...oh for the love of god and semantics, do tell. 'please oh wise and annoying one', reveal the difference at once!!!
2-13-2010 @ 4:15PM
shell said...This article was very well written. Those who say "I'm single with no kids but I get it", sorry but you don't. Unless you have been there there is no way you can get it. Which is probably why you are single because you are a "know it all". Don't try to talk the talk unless you have walked the walk.
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2-13-2010 @ 5:08PM
patty said...Amen.
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2-13-2010 @ 5:15PM
debbie said...This guy's son sounds like he's old enough to spend an evening at home without a babysitter. And THAT may be the irritation he was receiving from his potential sex partner. This guy sounds like the new breed of helicopter parents who think of their kids as perennially 7 yrs. old. He also sounds like a parent who's close to my age....which means he SHOULD remember that when HE was 12, his female classmates had steady babysitting gigs. Get that? 12 year old girls who were babysitting younger children. When I was 12 I babysat every Saturday night for a 6 year old and an 8 year old. When I was 14 I babysat 3 children, 5 days a week, 9 hours/day during the summer....and still had my steady Sat. night gig. Today parents treat their 12 yr olds like toddlers....all while attempting to dress like them and all while those 12 year olds are talking to their parents like they're idiots. Maybe they're on to something.
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2-13-2010 @ 6:50PM
Jenny-Ann said..."Get that? 12 year old girls who were babysitting younger children. When I was 12 I babysat every Saturday night for a 6 year old and an 8 year old."
You do realize that many of the laws have changed since you were a child? In my county it's illegal to leave a child under 14 alone for any amount of time.
I had CPS at my door one time because a nosy neighbor saw my 5 and 3 year old alone in my gated, locked back yard. As a teenager I saw a 10 and 11 year old removed from their home because their parents left them alone long enough to go to the grocery store.
And besides that, what right do you or anyone else have to tell someone they should leave their children at home alone? Did this woman really have the right to expect this man to back out of his obligation to his employee (his babysitter is his employee) just because she was ready to hop into bed?
I'd bet that if a single mother had written this article, and said how some idiot man thought his dick was more important than her obligations to her babysitter and her child more people would be defending her. Why is it ok for this idiot woman to think with her twat? Why it is ok for her to expect this man to drop everything because she's ready to spread her legs?
2-13-2010 @ 5:55PM
ltwiggycrk said...Kat- You are the type of women that the writer is complaining about. Shut your pie hole as you obviously don't understand the situation as you yourself don't have kids. The guy was married for 15 years before he became single so what the @#$% are you talking about???????
Keith- as a single mom myself 24/7 I in fact respect even more the man who has his kids 24/7 as he is the one that understands the situation even more. There was one guy that I was interested in who only had his son every other week and he was sincerely upset by the fact that he didn't get to see him more than that. And that was a total turn on to me.
So the writer of this article has it dead on as I have found that the guys that I have dated that don't have children don't always fully understand the responsibility that I have of being a single mom. So kudos to you Tom Henderson!
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2-13-2010 @ 5:41PM
bev said...Takes a special kind of person to be with a single Mom. Single Moms, for the most part, put their children first as they should. I will say some should not even date til their kids get older. Single Moms have to be very careful because there are so many pervs out there and they can't put their children in danger. Their urges come after the safty of their children. If you can't understand the love a Mother has for her child and the fact they will come first then you shouldnt be dating anyone with children.
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2-15-2010 @ 10:07AM
lalistadeaura said...Loved this, is true. Single women are more mature, have less drama, are less concern about looks and more about well being, quality time and inner development, always more caring and nurturing. They are usually more grounded and smart about making choices of who is the ideal partner that fits their life.
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2-13-2010 @ 6:32PM
antiquedealer said...There are so many narcistic selfish people out there.
Money and themselves come 1st and another person too -that is if the other person has the same attitude.
An ex told me he did not want to raise anyone elses kid and I have one from a man who cheated. That ex was my true love but he never got that because he is only about himself.
I applaud single parents who know what real sacrifice and love is!
They also know they wouldn't trade thier kids for anything in this shallow world of hooking up. At least I wouldn't!
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2-13-2010 @ 6:39PM
Wayne said...After getting a divorce I eventually resigned to the idea that the only sensible thing for me to do as far as dating went was to date single mothers. The reasons were that I discovered how selfish single women are (I never understood that prior to me being married because I was so wrapped up in my own selfishness) and how hard it is for them to understand that they can't come first, the kids do. But the main thing was that until a person starts raising kids of their own they (we) all have our ideas of how kids should behave and how they should be disciplined which is a far cry from the way we come to understand about how to relate to our kids concerning behavior and discipline. So my ultimate realization about life in general after raising kids was that until you do have kids of your own, you really don't know a hell of a lot about very much at all. That isn't a very popular idea for single people and they will balk at it, but that is the way it is.
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2-14-2010 @ 12:42PM
Victoria said...I feel the same way... welll single dads.... It's hard to explain why you can't just pick up everything and go hang out at 2am (something I would always do, just be very spontaneous).... All I have to say is "AMEN" lol!
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2-14-2010 @ 10:32PM
Keith said...Jenny-Ann:
No, I didn't have to play dirty or do anything underhanded in order to get fulltime custody. She met someone else and split. Didn't want them. In fact, I have the full support of my ex in-laws and we are just as close as we ever were. If the kids' Mom was to show up and want custody, her parents would be the first ones to speak up and say they are better off with me. When parents start getting shady fighting over the kids, it is the kids who lose.
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6-17-2010 @ 7:15PM
john said...I am also a single dad, with a very young daughter, and currently in the active Army. I can relate to this article 100%. 2 years ago I married a woman, who had 2 teen girls, I tried to make a mixed family, and found later this woman, did not entirely accept my daughter, and she turned out more vain than I realized. Because my daughter was so young, this woman only liked doing activities with her own kids, and I was always alone with mine, it created a rift. It is difficult to find acceptance anywhere, when you are a father with full custody, even at work, I cannot work the hours everyone else does, or go out after work on a short notice, and i have accepted that.I dont apologize to any woman about my daughter, or make excuses, she is my first priority in everything. I am currently living single and raising her alone again.
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