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Filed under: Opinions
Dear AdviceMama,
I have two sons, 14 and 8. The 14-year-old is from a previous marriage -- his father abandoned him. The younger one's father is around although we are not married. I found the older was getting aggressive towards the younger one because the young one was telling the older to stop saying "Dad" to his dad. I spoke to both, and tried for peace, what else can I do?
Signed,
Aching for Fatherless Son
Dear Aching,
Reading your question, I am reminded yet again of the fact that despite every parent's hope that their children will have an easy time growing up, childhood can be difficult. As much as it pains us to see our children suffering, there are times when we simply can't fix what's wrong.
Your older child is struggling not only with the absence of his own father (perhaps more painful as he moves into adolescence), but the constant presence of his little brother's dad. Frustration has only two outcomes: Aggression or adaptation. I'm not surprised that his frustration is coming out in the form of aggression towards his younger brother, who has something he longs for so deeply. The solution isn't to force your younger son to "let" his big brother call his father "Dad." Depending on how close this man is to your oldest son, it might offer the 14-year old an important sense of belonging, but it won't (and can't) completely heal the pain of your boy's loss. For that, he needs to grieve the sadness he feels about not having a father of his own.
When kids are upset, parents often try to talk them out of their unpleasant feelings. Rather than rushing to remind your son that his dad wasn't a very good guy or that you'll always be there for him, give your son an opportunity to really feel and express his sorrow and pain. When the two of you are alone and relaxed, ask him this question: "What is it like for you, honey, to see your younger brother with a dad around?" Let him tell you what's true for him. I call this Act I. If your son says, "I hate that my brother's got a dad and I don't", or "It's not fair," resist the urge to come at him with logic and explanations. Slow down, and encourage him to keep talking-and perhaps, crying. "That's hard for you, isn't it, to see your brother having something you want so badly."
By addressing the source of his frustration, rather than trying to control it or sweep it under the rug, you'll help your son move through his anger and hurt towards a recognition of what he does have: A loving family to offer him comfort during the hard times, and with whom he can celebrate the many good things that life also has in store for him.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
I have two sons, 14 and 8. The 14-year-old is from a previous marriage -- his father abandoned him. The younger one's father is around although we are not married. I found the older was getting aggressive towards the younger one because the young one was telling the older to stop saying "Dad" to his dad. I spoke to both, and tried for peace, what else can I do?
Signed,
Aching for Fatherless Son
Dear Aching,
Reading your question, I am reminded yet again of the fact that despite every parent's hope that their children will have an easy time growing up, childhood can be difficult. As much as it pains us to see our children suffering, there are times when we simply can't fix what's wrong.
Your older child is struggling not only with the absence of his own father (perhaps more painful as he moves into adolescence), but the constant presence of his little brother's dad. Frustration has only two outcomes: Aggression or adaptation. I'm not surprised that his frustration is coming out in the form of aggression towards his younger brother, who has something he longs for so deeply. The solution isn't to force your younger son to "let" his big brother call his father "Dad." Depending on how close this man is to your oldest son, it might offer the 14-year old an important sense of belonging, but it won't (and can't) completely heal the pain of your boy's loss. For that, he needs to grieve the sadness he feels about not having a father of his own.
When kids are upset, parents often try to talk them out of their unpleasant feelings. Rather than rushing to remind your son that his dad wasn't a very good guy or that you'll always be there for him, give your son an opportunity to really feel and express his sorrow and pain. When the two of you are alone and relaxed, ask him this question: "What is it like for you, honey, to see your younger brother with a dad around?" Let him tell you what's true for him. I call this Act I. If your son says, "I hate that my brother's got a dad and I don't", or "It's not fair," resist the urge to come at him with logic and explanations. Slow down, and encourage him to keep talking-and perhaps, crying. "That's hard for you, isn't it, to see your brother having something you want so badly."
By addressing the source of his frustration, rather than trying to control it or sweep it under the rug, you'll help your son move through his anger and hurt towards a recognition of what he does have: A loving family to offer him comfort during the hard times, and with whom he can celebrate the many good things that life also has in store for him.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
12-23-2009 @ 6:55AM
Mom of two teens said...What B.S... the kid DOES have a "Dad!" Tell the spoiled little brat of a brother to shut up and quit with his non-sense.
I had a step-dad and called him "daddy," and he was more of a dad to me than my "real" father who abandoed me too. My step-dad also had a daughter and too bad she didn't realize how much she could have had with him before he died. She only called him when she needed money.
This mother sounds like she is making it out to be more than it is. Is this her "issue?" Consentrate on what the 14 year old DOES have and not on what he doesn't. Maybe she's the one making him feel left out.
Reply
12-23-2009 @ 8:43AM
bill said...What can I do she asks. Stop spawning out of wedlock for starters. The variety of "dad" type characters that these kids have seen come and go from their lives is probably significant.
Reply
12-29-2009 @ 2:55PM
Rhonda said...I actually appreciate both the question and answer. My ex-husband and I divorced several years ago when our son was just a couple years old. My ex-husband is remarried and has another son now. It has been extremely difficult for my son to work through the anger that his dad, "left [him] to have another son". It is important to allow your child to be angry and hurt. Telling him it is okay to cry (when he is crying anyway) helped us a lot.
Reply
1-21-2010 @ 2:35PM
Tatiana said...Here's a suggestion: Get your son involved in male bonding activites such as your local boy scouts and/or the big brother program. While it doesn't substitute for a real father, it would give him a chance to work on his agression, self esteem, and give back to his community while bonding with positive male role models. Also don't forget to give him a tad more alone one on one time with him because you are both his mother and father...
Reply
1-30-2010 @ 10:59PM
Robert said...I really wouldn't recommend boy scouts. My father abandoned me when I was younger, and my mom thought something like boy scouts would have helped me out. It did the complete opposite. I don't know how different boy scouts are now, but back in the 90's, when I was in it, it was very "father/son" orientated. It was horrible going in there and being the only kid there that didn't have his father by his side.
1-27-2010 @ 5:36PM
maddiefox4 said...that's hard to deal with... have a talk with each of your boys and see if we can come up with some sort of compromise.
Reply
2-12-2010 @ 12:28PM
Adrien said...I am extremely fond of reading and whenever I got interested in some book, I opened a http://www.pdfqueen.com books search engine, found the book I needed and downloaded it. But as it turned out, in the journals and articles one can sometimes find the info he/she failed to find in the book. Thus can say that from time to time such articles as yours are a very pleasant surprise for me!
Reply