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Traditions Don't Have to Change, We Do
Filed under: Siblings, Empty Nest, Opinions, Relationships
My wife is juggling Nick's PowerBook, trying to frame him, me and the menorah on the mantel so that his sister can see us all. I strike a match, touch it to the shamus, the candle that lights all the others at Hanukkah, and we begin the three prayers sung on the first night of the holiday.
Emily is joining us from Lyon where she's spending the first semester of her junior year in college, and the Internet connection to France is one step up from a string and two cans, so there's a delay that turns our singing into an unanticipated round.
But it's lovely.
And this year it's sad for me, too, though I haven't let on to anyone.
Do you think it strange to name my Christmas season column after a song from "Fiddler on the Roof"? Well, why not. We're just your typical Upper West Side of Manhattan family, with Jewish-Christian parents and two kids, all staunchly godless and just as staunchly devoted to deity-loving traditions of our own making. These include a major Thanksgiving production with family and orphaned friends, a devious and ferociously competitive Easter egg hunt, apples and honey at Rosh Ha-Shana, an enormous Christmas Day dinner after opening the presents Leslie has been wrapping since July and Passover seders spent arguing whether the insolent son really deserves to be cast out or should instead be celebrated as a questioning, counter-culture hero who ought to sue his parents for child abuse.
Emily is joining us from Lyon where she's spending the first semester of her junior year in college, and the Internet connection to France is one step up from a string and two cans, so there's a delay that turns our singing into an unanticipated round.
But it's lovely.
The menorah, lit via videoconference. Credit: Jeremy Gerard
Do you think it strange to name my Christmas season column after a song from "Fiddler on the Roof"? Well, why not. We're just your typical Upper West Side of Manhattan family, with Jewish-Christian parents and two kids, all staunchly godless and just as staunchly devoted to deity-loving traditions of our own making. These include a major Thanksgiving production with family and orphaned friends, a devious and ferociously competitive Easter egg hunt, apples and honey at Rosh Ha-Shana, an enormous Christmas Day dinner after opening the presents Leslie has been wrapping since July and Passover seders spent arguing whether the insolent son really deserves to be cast out or should instead be celebrated as a questioning, counter-culture hero who ought to sue his parents for child abuse.
And lighting the candles at Hanukkah. Emily and Nick know the tunes and the Hebrew words by heart, though they couldn't care less what they mean. What they love is the doing of it together, the family ritual in which they've taken part since they were in pre-k.
I'll tell you why; I do know. Because they're traditions. Along with home-cooked meals every night (provided by Leslie, who could barely boil water when Emily was born almost 21 years ago but threw herself into learning with missionary zeal) and hard-earned summer vacations every August at the same tiny cottage on Cape Cod, these rituals have helped to define our mishmash family in an era of seemingly inevitable fractionalization. Forget any of them and we face the wrath -- not of God-or-whomever -- but of Emily and Nick, which can be fearsome, especially when they're in cahoots.
So even when Emily left to begin college life in Philadelphia, the miracle of iSight allowed us to videoconference the lighting of the Hanukkah candles, which had always been preceded by the annual fight over who gets not to light the first candle (because that person will get the eighth and final night, the most candles to light). Well, now that we're videoconferencing, that rite of squabble is history.
So why sad?
After all, Em will be home in a few weeks, living again just a short train ride away. In a couple of months, we'll all be heading out to Kansas City for the wedding of their half-sister, my older daughter, Claire.
But for parents of high school seniors, it's the season not only of Hanukkah and Christmas, but also of Early Admission Decisions. This week, Nick finds out whether it's all over but the tuition payments -- or whether the next four weeks will be multi-applications madness followed by additional months of nail biting.
So I'm thinking Leslie and I have about six months to come up with some new, two-person traditions to fill the coming void. It's a daunting assignment, mostly because I can't bear the thought of it.
Lark, the herald angel, atop the Gerard family tree, in honor of the family dog. Credit: Jeremy Gerard
In "Fiddler on the Roof," Tevye the milkman asks, Why are our traditions so important to us? "I'll tell you," he says to the audience, shrugging. "I don't know."I'll tell you why; I do know. Because they're traditions. Along with home-cooked meals every night (provided by Leslie, who could barely boil water when Emily was born almost 21 years ago but threw herself into learning with missionary zeal) and hard-earned summer vacations every August at the same tiny cottage on Cape Cod, these rituals have helped to define our mishmash family in an era of seemingly inevitable fractionalization. Forget any of them and we face the wrath -- not of God-or-whomever -- but of Emily and Nick, which can be fearsome, especially when they're in cahoots.
So even when Emily left to begin college life in Philadelphia, the miracle of iSight allowed us to videoconference the lighting of the Hanukkah candles, which had always been preceded by the annual fight over who gets not to light the first candle (because that person will get the eighth and final night, the most candles to light). Well, now that we're videoconferencing, that rite of squabble is history.
So why sad?
After all, Em will be home in a few weeks, living again just a short train ride away. In a couple of months, we'll all be heading out to Kansas City for the wedding of their half-sister, my older daughter, Claire.
But for parents of high school seniors, it's the season not only of Hanukkah and Christmas, but also of Early Admission Decisions. This week, Nick finds out whether it's all over but the tuition payments -- or whether the next four weeks will be multi-applications madness followed by additional months of nail biting.
And, of course, this also means we're beginning our holiday season with the last one of our kids living at home (in this case, the one who actually knows how to use iSight). All those summers when they were both at sleepaway camp haven't prepared me for the hollow that has begun to grow in my gut, the slow blossoming of imminent loss.
So I'm thinking Leslie and I have about six months to come up with some new, two-person traditions to fill the coming void. It's a daunting assignment, mostly because I can't bear the thought of it.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
12-22-2009 @ 5:48PM
justanotherjen said...I totally agree about traditions. I'm atheist myself raising mostly godless children and I've often been asked why I still celebrate Christmas and Easter. Not only is it fun but the traditions are what bind us together as a family. It's comforting to know that the ornaments we put on the tree are many of the same ornaments my mother lovingly unwrapped in decades old paper (sometimes paper towels) and helped me and my brother put on the tree. Some of those ornaments belonged to my grandmother and my dad remembers them on his tree when he was growing up.
Every year we play the same music and I bake cookies just like my mom did (I used to even wear her apron but it got lost in a move) because I remember coming home after school to Christmas music blasting through the house and the smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.
And we have Christmas dinner, roast beef because of family tradition, on Christmas Eve. Not because we have anything to do on Christmas but just because it is tradition.
I may not believe the religious side of the holiday but I see the special connection it brings to families and society as a whole. I love to see all the lights on the houses and know thousands of people just in my neighborhood are doing similar things at the very same time and millions of children all over the world will be waking up early on Friday to tear open brightly wrapped gifts...just like my kids. Just like I did when I was a kid. Just like my parents did when they were kids, etc, etc, etc. And hopefully like my grandkids will do some day and their children, etc.
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2-07-2010 @ 1:58PM
Susan said...I have raised two wonderful boys. Not that we did not have years of turmoil and disagreements, but that is the years your children form values and morales.
Now that they have both started their new paths away from home, I find myself very lonely and depressed. This was the first holiday without my oldest child as he works overseas and was unable to come home. Christmas was much quieter and subdued than ever before. These traditions are very important to our family, extended family and friends.
To understand that your children need you less and less every year is horrible. I can only hope that they will continue these traditions and invite us as they have their own families.
My boys are both very God loving people. I know they will hand this down to their children. I feel this will help to bond our family and traditions more and more every year.
My husband and I are now looking forward to new milestones. A wedding in a few weeks, a college graduation in a couple of years and hopefully a house full of grandchildren for many holidays to come. But for right now, life is very lonely getting used to our new role in our children's lives.
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3-17-2010 @ 10:00AM
cheryl said...My oldest son is going to college in the fall. I am happy for him and excited for his budding future. I feel like I will enjoy having grown children and look forward to a new chapter in my life (when they all fly the coop). Does everyone feel bad to be an empty nester?
4-14-2010 @ 6:39PM
Erica said...I think this is a very challenging time. My kids are growing up fast and two are already away at college; one still in high school. I'm getting ready for the empty nest, trying to develop new joint interests I can share with my husband so we can have some fun together when all the children are out. I'm sure that by the time our youngest has left, I'll be ready.
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